Life Ain't Easy

In the words of Kermit the Frog, "it ain't easy being green" and in my words or any other color. Life, in the grand scheme is a millisecond of the world. Its short, fast and often a roller coaster of decisions, experiences, and opportunities.

For me, life happens when I think I have it finally figured out or under control, or stable. Then, life happens. I woke up this morning with resolve on the some decisions and knowing that no matter what happens, I am not alone and He will provide. I had a small sense of relief. Then I read my  blog roll. I was shocked and saddened to read of my friend Jessica's loss of a pregnancy. Its instances like hers that make you wonder why. She is the sweetest, most loving friend, wife and mother I know. I ache for her. And last night, my small group prayed for a friend who lost her baby at 35 weeks. 35 weeks. One minute healthy baby and the next gone. Life.



I think Life is one of the many reasons people fear God, religion and the church. They snark and say, if He exists, He wouldn't let thinks like this happen. That old adage is so easy to buy into. I too have had my times of disbelief, questions and struggles. Its hard to see His plan.

Its had been hard for me to see His plan as of late. I have been so wrapped in confusion, doubt and fear. I yearn for stability and the ease of life, yet He pushes me constantly towards change, challenges and risks. I struggled with what I want versus what is good for me. But, I have realized that all the struggles, weighing of pros and cons, internalization and just flat out worry don't do you any good either.

Life happens. It happens even when you wish it wouldn't. It comes suddenly and without warning. It pushes you to your limits and outside your comfort zone. And life comes with risks, scary as they may seem, they can also come with great reward.

Everyone is struggling with something. We're humans and its out very nature. I urge you to have faith. Be guided by that little voice on your shoulder, or in your gut. Do not let your life be led by fear, anger or worry. Yes, grieve when its sad and be angry when your are wronged, but do not let that rule. Life is short and precious and confusing as all get out!

Big Scares & Big Decisions

Ever wonder how many hours one can sleep in one day and still be tired? Yeah, let's go with about 17. I believe I slept 17 hours yesterday. I just could not keep my eyes open. I was up long enough to eat and take the dogs out. I left work mid afternoon Friday on my way out of town for the weekend, when life decided I needed to stay put.

Couple trips of emptying my stomach later and long nap, I was staying here for the weekend. I also saw later that 35 South was closed in both directions past Waco, so my 3 hour trip to Austin would have lasted 6-7, so fate?

But this weekend gave me some time to think and reflect. Last week was interesting in my life. I was given some good news, some bad news, and some surprising news all in the course of a couple days. I found out some people incredibly close to me were going to be parents! I congratulated my brother on his new job & found out I was going to be an Aunt again! (seriously everyone is knocked up these days). I had a ghost of dating past eerily reappear and finally opened up about tons of things that had been going on in my head and heart. I basically reevaluated every aspect of my life.

In between unconscousness I did some sole searching. I prayed a lot, read the Gospel and read every journal entry I made in the last 4 years. I am amazed how much my life has changed and how much it has stayed the same. 4 years ago, I was clerking before my third year of law school and M and I were trying to get back together. I was lost and confused and most of all scared. I had this picture of what I wanted my life to be and I had this opportunity to make it work.

Today, I am still lost and scared. But in the last four years I have realized that its better to say what is on mind than hold it in. I have nothing to lose by revealing my heart other than the change to do it. I know that my thoughts and opinions, wants and needs matter. I am equipped to face whatever life hands me, though not always with grace and charm. I know that sometimes you only get one change to let people know what they mean to you. I am able to keep toxic people out and let those who truly care in. It does't mean I don't make stupid decisions or perhaps say a tad too much. I disappoint myself and still do not understand His plan for me. But I know, that everything happens for a reason. Every encounter, thought, decision and move we make it for some greater plan that we cannot see. So, I will live every day to fullest, have no regrets and make sure I speak the truth not only to other, but to myself. In the words of Shakespeare:

No One Said it Was Easy

Life came to a head last night. Right there on my front porch steps in the humid Texas heat, mosquitoes biting with tears rolling down my face. I sat there and asked the unanswerable question: Why? It was quickly followed with the inevitable how? How and Why did I get here, ya know the proverbial here.

I took a quick inventory of where my life is, and while its not bad, its not what I dreamed it would be. See when I was a little girl, I had this dream to be normal. Normal, you ask. No one is normal. Yeah, I get that. I know no one is really "normal." But to me, normal was this seemingly Utopian life I would never get to taste. I have spent my whole life in pursuit of normal. You know, married 2.5 kids, 2 dogs and a house. American dream: normal.

So, I lived out life trying to get to normal. I made good grades, was president of anything I could get elected to, did well in every thing I pursued. Sure, I screwed up from time-to-time, we all do, but I did it all in the name of normal. I wanted to have a normal boyfriend, relationship, etc... so I did what they wanted. If they wanted pretty, I was pretty, if they wanted smart I was smart, if they wanted fun, I did the fun things. I adapted, changed and formed myself into whatever was normal for Mr. Right Now. But for me, he was always Mr. Right. Because having Mr. Right meant I was normal, right?

In college I just wanted to be normal. Sorority, clothes, shoes, purses, anything that would make me fit in and not stick out. Do right, be right, achieve right so that I would just be normal.

I hid so much of my life for so long because it wasn't normal. It wasn't normal to have a convict for a father, or to come from a single-parent home where eviction notices were the norm. It wasn't normal to shop the clearance rack instead of having name-brand jeans, shoes and purses. I didn't even know what most of the "in" brands were until I was 23! I never dreamed of wearing, let alone owning anything with those two letters on it: LV, or red-soled shoes.

But, now, I realize there is no normal. I don't come from the image of family togetherness. My family is chosen, and in a way handpicked me instead of getting stuck with me via birth. I know that my first marriage failed because of several reasons, but one of which was I wanted so much to be normal, that I missed being myself and falling in love with someone who was what I needed and now what I wanted. I realize that I envy my friends who have their extended family surrounding them at every turn because I will never know what that feels like. I realize I am not normal,  I am only me: stubborn, hard-headed, rule-following, insecure, silly, control-freak me.

No one said life would be easy, and no one warned me the pursuit of normal would only lead me further down the twisty, windy road that is unique.

In An Instant

It’s the snap of your fingers, the blink of an eye--that fleeting moment. It’s the minute when you stare into space and hours seem to pass. The here, the now, and the then.

Life. In the grand order of the universe, our life on Earth is a mere flash. 

The choices and decisions you make each day create an impact. They not only affect you, but those around you. What you set into motion through one word, one step, or one knowing look matters.

Everyone experiences those moments in life when the world changes. Time stands still, the breeze motionless and nothing stays the same. It just takes a second because it all changes, in an instant.

Umm, Could you Leave Please?

OK, I know that I do some pretty strange things. In fact, we all do. We each have that thing, that if someone else saw us do, we would, do the whole raised eyebrows, WTF are you doing look. And I have realized that many of these things happen in the bathroom. Cause where else we would do rather strange things, right? For instance:

• not flushing when its only #1. Ok, I get that it conserves water, etc... but in a public place? or in someone else's home? Flush people! Just push that lil knob thing. I do not want to see that when I walk into a public restroom or when I go into my own WC post guests.
• Talking while I am on the commode. Ok, so maybe if I am at home and you are yelling at me from the other side of the house because I don't know, its burning down or an intruder is coming, but in general, when I am enthroned, I do not want to see anyone, let alone have any kind of discussion with you. Period. End of Subject.
• Turning on the exhaust fan. That is not its purpose people! That is to remove moisture from the air, not your foul odor post whatever you do in there. Use air freshener. which leads me to my next point
• Use air freshener. if its there, and you just let out le poo, spray le bottle that is sitting right next to you--its what its there for! And even if you don't think its bad, use it anyway. Won't hurt.
• Wait til the flush is done. Yeah. Just wait. Ya never know if you leftovers are still lurking, and I for one, do not want to see them.
• Doing anything other than restroom, powder room related activities in the restroom. I get it, you see a co worker in the john and you chat for a few seconds, no biggie. You brush your hair, brush your teeth, fix your make up, fine! But, please, for the love, do not do anything else in there. Don't get on your cell phone and have a convo, don't journal, pay bills, read a book, eat your lunch, please, if you are going to do any of that in a restroom, when I walk in, could you just leave?

Eye Roll and OMG I'm that person

So last night our little city group had a get together with another group. We were uber excited and planned picnic theme. In other words, we had a ton of hot dogs we needed to unload and it was easy for a bring whatever the heck you can for dinner kind of theme. But, I digress.

So, not sure what happened to our lil group, but they were rather MIA, darn it when life gets in the way, but it was good for those of us who were there to branch out and meet new people. The other group brought a TON of people and... kids. Yes, kids.

No biggie, except our group, well all our kids are either of the four-legged variety, in-vitro or under the age 2. We are not used to mini-people running around. It was a tad overwhelming to some of us at first. They run, jump, squeal, etc... I'm all for kids, but when you're suddenly inundated with them all at once and in various stages of activity, it can be a tad disturbing.

Now, the pups seems to be in heaven. They jumped, ran, slid, bombarded just as the kids did. However, I suddenly became that person. I was appalled at myself. It was right there as I finally grabbed a  plate and began to go through the food line. See, we waited. We let the other group and kids go first. So, as I wandered over to the chicken, it was gone. Yup, gone. Nar a chicken tender in sight. And then it happened, I rolled my eyes and opened my mouth and said it. I blamed the kids. I was that person. That person who is not understanding of kids who grab more than they can actually eat and live off of chicken tenders. I gulped. Oh no! When did I become that person?

As I sat down to eat, I did it again! I saw them running in and out of the back doors and with feet on furniture and thought, someone tell them to stop! Gulp!

When I got home, I laid down in bed and had a talk with myself. It went like this: Self, when did we get so... old.... when did we get so grumpy.... when did we get so judgy? Self, we are awful!

It was in that moment that I realized that its so easy to become complacent in your chapter of life.Its so easy for our group the become overwhelmed because we don't experience it everyday. We are good with the baby thing, the dog thing, but the kid thing? Wow, we were humbled. These kids were not rude, they did not willingly cause malicious acts, they were just being kids. They were polite, they cleaned their plates and simply did not notice the door needed a lil extra umph to close it. I was so quick to judge.

But, its understandable. I am not around it everyday. And so I apologized for my actions and judgment and then realized it was also ok for me to and the others to be overwhelmed. We all had a lesson in life. Everyone learned that our church and the world is different for everyone. Someday I will have those kids and want others to understand, and those who have kids I am sure long for the days of being kidless every once in a while and envy my current life.

But, all-in-all it made me realize how easy I am to judge and complacent I have become in my stage of life. So, thank you God for showing me grace and teaching me a lesson. I am blessed to have my life, but even more blessed to see God at work in people of all ages and stages of life. And... I am so not ready for anything over the age of umm 2, right now! Good thing they don't come out at teenagers!

My Lately

I feel like I have nothing profound to say, no diabolical plans, no huge news, just life. However, I have recently decided that ya know 9:45 p.m. is the time to release all emotional crap I have been hanging onto for the month, week, day, minute. Yup, lately about 9:45 p.m. as I lay my sweet head onto my pillow and tuck my babies in to bed I just cry. I cry because I'm tired. I cry because I'm stressed. I cry because I'm overwhelmed with house, work, life, dogs! I cry because I am laying alone and the house makes creepy noises and I am too chicken-butt to do much, and come on if someone really broke in I would: a) hear the door; b) the dogs would go crazy; and c) I could be doomed anyway because my windows are painted shut!

Lately, all I want is a bagel and cream cheese for breakfast. Yup, you heard it, that is all that sounds remotely good to me, but lordy, we all know that won;t do a thing for the crying other than  make it worse cause now I'm sporting a bagel around my midsection. But I let myself have one every other day now and then.

Lately, I have wanted to just escape. I want to be in a different time zone, setting, state of mind. I want to go to a zen place. A place where there is nothing to do but think about my next meal.

Lately, I have missed the cascade of flowers that used to adorn my windowsill at work. Ya know  back when men sent me flowers for just about any reason if they thought it would get my attention. I admit I don;t want the hoard of men, just the pretty petals that brightened my day.

Lately, I have been a less than stellar puppy mom.I get home and feed them, but I have little desire to play tug-o-war or pet them endlessly while watching TV. Nope, I just want them to play nice and then sleep so mommy can rest.

Lately, I have been easily annoyed by anyone and anything. Let's call it perpetual PMS. Its been harder to bite my tongue and easier to roll my eyes. I know, I know... I need to keep it in check.

Lately, I have been dying for sun on my face and a tan on my shoulders.

How have you been lately?

The Tough Stuff

I admit the past couple days have not exactly been all sunshine and roses. Add in the abysmal rain and dreariness and its just been flat out hard to find a reason to jump out of bed in the morning. I have had a lot on my plate as of late and trying to juggle several balls has caught up to me. I am frustrated.

Yup, just frustrated. Are things bad? No? Are things perfectly the way I want them? No, and therein lies my frustration. See, I am a control freak. I want things to go according to my perfectly thought out plan and I want them to go that way... Now. Funny that life does not work that way. In fact, it seems life is the antithesis to any of my perfectly laid out plans.

I think my past experiences has aided in this pursuit of perfection. For so long I felt out of control when it came to life decisions and even little things like what to eat for lunch. I try to micromanage and that failed miserably. Then I was in a marriage that was seemingly perfect from the outside, but inside was a constant battle. My opinions were not valued, my voice silenced and my plans placed second to his. I was so tired of wanting that I just gave up. I quit caring. So, after my divorce I went into control overdrive. I could now control everything from where I lived to what I did each waking moment. I felt freedom in this until I realized I could only control my own actions. I wanted so much to control everything: M's feelings, work life, dating, other's perceptions of me, etc.. you get the point. I was trying to be the mastermind of the universe. I failed miserably again.

So, why do I return to this place? Because I am not perfect. I will experience times of frustration, pain, and suffering. But I can rest in knowing that He is always present in this and when I turn to Him, I will find comfort. I also know that keeping that frustration bottled up does me no good and only breeds hostility towards those I love.

I want life to move at my speed, which tends to be warp-speed. I want things to go and go now, move and move quickly, and be in line with my timeline so to speak. I was humbled last night at Redemption Group when we recounted the story of the Israelites continued sin time and time again after God shows them grace... I was like come one people get with the program. And then I realized I was quite the hypocrite. I am guilty of this as well. I balk when things do not go my way, or more often, I run. Rather than face the problem or have that tough talk I tend to just say never mind, this is too hard or not going my way so I would rather not endure it. But now, I can see that if I stick with it, repent, confess and have those tough moments, I can rest in His will and plan and just let life play out.

He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
    I will be exalted among the nations,
    I will be exalted in the earth.”

Psalm 46:10

Guess What Day it Is?

Yup, so its Hump Day... which  means its mid-week, that day in between Tuesday and Thursday where you just want it to be the weekend, yet you have so much to do before then... Yup, Wednesday. However, I am not dreading today. Nope, not at all... because life is good. Yup, good, ok, well better than good its great.

Seems crazy for me to say, er type that. For most of my life I have worried, fretted, had some sort of chip or grudge or problem to handle. But right now, life is good and I am happy.

I know that life is not perfect, nor exactly as I planned, but its life. I have a house to live in; a job to provide; I am surrounded by the most loving friends and family; my walk with Christ surprises and challenges me at every turn; and le guy, well he may be a keeper y'all. Sure, I have my moments: I worry, fret and overthink, but all-in-all I am blessed.

Day 9 of Lessons: Take time to count your blessings. I know I get so caught up in the stress and worry of life that I tend to forget how blessed I am. And then things like last night happened. I got home from RG and saw a car parked in front of my house and someone sitting there. I was a lil freaked out and then I saw her. There sat CT. She was just waiting for me to come home to check on me. My heart was filled with warmth and I could not help but smile. To have friends like this that support me and truly love me, is beyond fathomable sometimes. Count your blessings because life it too short to worry.

That One Time I Emailed in Anger

Here is the disclaimer to this entire post *I was sick with the flu, as in fever, shakes, throat sore, body aching, awful, flu* So my actions cannot be held against me.

So, Monday whilst sitting at my desk feeling like death warmed over, I got a little email in my inbox from one of my favorite paralegals. Its subject: Best Actress Award. Hmm interesting. I open it and proceed to read. Yes, yes, I see, I'm reading, ok, let's get to the point... Oh I see it now... Baby! Yup, baby. She is pregnant.

I know I should've been happy as a clam, overjoyed as I love her to death and was at her wedding, etc... Nope. Anger, flush of anger. It just swarmed over me. Tears welled up in my eyes and I did it, I hit forward. Yup, forward, not reply (you totally thought I replied and was mean to her? I'm not that cray). Nope, I forwarded to the ex. Yes M. Lord help me!

I emailed in anger. I forwarded that email to M and was angry at him. Yup, 30 year old, baby crazy me. I cannot believe I just admitted to doing this... I have a half a mind to delete this whole post as I am pretty sure anyone who reads it will turn and run. But, ya know what, its the truth. I realized it wasn't M I was mad at, it was the ugly head of jealousy abounding.

It wasn't her, it was what it symbolized to me. How would she, who got married after me and makes less than me (reason M wanted to wait apparently we just didn't have enough $) get what I wanted so much? Why? I realized I was angry with life and Him.

I stopped, shocked and appalled at myself for sending the email and realized because that wasn't His plan. My life is supposed to take a different road. Funny how things turn out. I took about a million deep breaths and hoped M would not reply... (He totally did and wasn't mad, probably because he knows me too well). I apologized blamed my fever and went home.

On my drive I thought about it again, why I was upset. I mean, had I continued to be stuck in the place with M I would never have been truly happy. I would have gone through the motions and built up more and more anger. I would not have found my wonderful church home, let new friends into my life and opened my heart to feeling & loving again.

Things will happen when they are supposed to. You can't rush them, push them, or force them. They will be scary, like scare the  H E double hockey sticks out of you. But you can either stand still too scared to move or jump in the water and see where the tide takes you.

In a funny end to this story, I had to run to Sam's Club later that day to pick up ice cream for our city group block party. I could not find my card. So I went to customer service for them to look me up. They could not find me. I had to call M to get the number of the account. Talk about eating humble pie. He was sweet and gave the number to me.

Moral of the story, don't email in anger and laugh at yourself.

Cause Life Ain't Fair

I write this while sitting at home sick as a dog. I feel like a truck ran over my body picked me back up and ran over me again. Stopped up nose, sore throat, achy body... just all over icky. So, you would think I would be home asleep, right?

Well, I did sleep some post doctor visit. But then my body ok brain said work!, text! argue with people because that will make it all better.... said no one ever. Why is it when you feel awful life decides to just beat you down. You are busy at work, arguing with people, home improvement projects attack you and people decide to announce they are having babies. ( I know this sounds dumb, but for those of you around a while know this is still hard for me).

But, life just isn't fair. See fair is this word that was made up by the English language to terrorize the masses. We are taught when we are young to share, take turns, let everyone try it... in essence that life is fair. Even now kids get trophies for just participating and no one loses in sporting events. Hello, we are lying to the children of America, cause guess what? LIFE IS NOT FAIR.

I am 30, single, sans a kid with two dogs and house that has all but sucked my savings dry. This is not what I was taught by Mrs. Lingo in the first grade when she said you can make all your dreams comes true (cause who dreams this scenario?).

Yeah I know, count my blessings (and I do) I am employed, healthy (except for the gallons of mucus sliding down my throat), own a home, surrounded by wonderful friends and family, and have a wonderful guy who is pretty smitten with me--what more do I need/want?

So, as I sit here, feeling life death warmed over, I prayed. I prayed not for myself, but for my future. I prayed that I would be patient enough to let my selfish thoughts subside and let God take control. I prayed for peace to live in the moment and this current season of my life. I prayed that someday someone will see in me all the things I fail to see in myself. I prayed that my friends would continue to hold me accountable and speak truth into me. I prayed for my future--not for how I wanted it to turn out, but that I would let it unfold on its own.

Trusting

As I read your comments on yesterday's post I felt loved. As I sat around the dinner table at my small group talking about sanctification and grace, I felt resolve. My church as been taking on sanctification the last couple of weeks as we prepare to study the book of Mark. This mini-series has rocked my heart, soul, and faith to the core.

It has caused me to stop and think about so much that has gone on in my life the past 6-8 months. See, I have experienced every emotion ten-fold, and wallowed in so much anger, fear, grief and depression, its amazing I can get up each day. I  have doubted, feared and been angry with Him, but mostly myself. I have resisted every "bone" thrown my way, because its wasn't in "my plan" or what I thought was best for me. I began to doubt even the D being good for me, I mean what if it was just me fearing that caused me to leave. Seriously people, my poor brain  has been in overdrive. My heart as been broken and healed more times than one should experience in a lifetime in a couple months. To say I was lost would be an understatement.

So, I digress... so as I sat and listened to both the sermon Sunday and then recounting it last night, I started to get it. I am saved. I am forgiven. I am healed. I am because I am His child and He died for me so that I could live. I  need not feel sorrow or guilt, or anger. I need not fear for He has a path laid for me. Sure, easy to say, harder to believe. Yes,  but He knows this. He also knows that I will falter, fail, stumble and resist. But, He will be there.

Its the why that gets me. Why do I fear? Why do I resist? Why do I engage in self-sabotage? I think because its easier. Its feels better. Change is hard, its uncomfortable, its uneasy and its unknown. Its much easier to stay in neutral, become complacent, comfortable, or monotonous. You feel in control this way. You know what each day will bring and how it will play out. I am guilty of this. Even through all the change I have experienced, I have struggled, I have resisted and tried to maintain as much normalcy as possible. I have also pushed away good things. Friends, turning to Jesus in times of crisis, family,  E. I have tried to tackle all my anger, fear and doubt alone. I have decided it would be easier at times to go back, or hide. I have asked why me? When does it stop? I have indulged in things that I think will make the pain go away, only to wake up with a huge headache, empty wallet or hollow heart.

I know this season of my life will come with some pain, but its good. Its Him at work, healing me, mending the brokenness, pointing on His path for me. And guess what? the less I resist the faster the pain shall pass. As our pastor said on Sunday and it stuck with me "be compelled by grace." He has shown me grace, thus I must show myself the same.

I am going to mess up, I am going to fail so to speak, but its ok. I am allowed to not know how to do all, be all, have it all and do it perfectly. And its ok to be 30 and start over. Its ok to allow myself to feel, to love, to fail, why Because He forgives, He loves, and I am saved.

Thoughts on a Tuesday

Pink Elephants

I'm living with a giant pink elephant in my room. It followed me from my apartment to my new house. It sits in the bedroom and watches me sleep; cooks dinner with me; curls up on the couch and watches TV with me--its a parasite sucking the life out of me. Her name is depression.

She comes and goes from time-to-time--hell even moment-to-moment. Sometimes she forces candy and cookies down me or sits on my chest and doesn't allow me to breathe. She taunts me and holds me down when I try to get out of bed. Sure, I can overcome her most days. I simply push forward until she moves because I have to. I cannot sit in bed all day, or eat til I'm 150 pounds-- I have to function. I have to eat, sleep, workout, work, take care of puppies. I cannot shop her away, though I have tried.

People ask if I have talked to her, asked her why she was here. I look at these people dumb-founded, like WTF? As if you have no clue why I would have a giant pink monster following me around for the last eh, 9 months of my life. yeah I seem to have it altogether, what else am I supposed to do?

I cannot crack at work, cannot lose it with my friends, I have to function and appear normal. I am she-woman, remember? The truth is, I have suffered from this looming pink elephant most of my life.

I have tried therapy, counseling, meds, praying, writing... I have turned towards my friends and family more, but its still hard. I mean its hard to call someone and say I have no reason why I am down, I just am and I need to cry, wanna listen? I know I have people who would do this for me, but it seems so weak. Its seems silly, or worthless. I feel ashamed, dumb and embarrassed.

I remember when I first told M I was depressed. He looked at me like I was some strange being from outer space. He scoffed and acted like only crazy people said that. I  mean, he had never met anyone who was depressed. I think this is when I started to hide it more. I became more introverted. I stopped sharing my feelings and it got worse. I fed my depression with negative thoughts and trying to be what he wanted. I know he just did not know how to cope with it. But it only made me drown more.

Post-D, I have swam better some days than others. I have been able to tread water. Holding myself up and trying to take deep breaths. I have turned upward instead of inward. I have relied more on friends, but its still hard. There are just those days when that pink elephant seems to hop on my back and hold me down.

I haven't gotten "real" here in while. Well, this is about as real as it gets. I am 3 1/2 months post-D and still just trying to keep my head afloat. I have thoughts of what if, or did I do the right thing. I miss parts of my old life and let my head get filled with woulda, coulda, shoulda. I lose sight of what lies ahead. I turn away from those people who love me and care about me because I don't want them to see me suffering. I run in fear from new things that seem to good to be true. I fear a repeat. I stand looking at my life and wonder why? And how. How did I get here. Why did things not go as planned? What do I do now?

I stand at a precipice and I can either jump or be transfixed in time. I can  unleash the elephant or carry it forward. But right now, I just have to get through today.

When

Ah yes, the proverbial "when." Its much like the proverbial "if," but this when has a new meaning. If you are (there it is again) anything like me (which most 30 year old woman are) you are constantly wondering what if, and when. As in, if I do this he will like me, or if I cut my hair like this, or if I only eat like that or if I workout more I could.... If.... if only.

Then you have when. When will I (insert any number of things women want)-- when will I

• get married
• have kids
• get the promotion
• lose weight
• buy a house
• like my body
• like my hair
• get all the things that I want out of life

When. If. Two small words that ruin run our lives. So, who says when and if have to reign supreme? They don't! Because "when" is powerful and gives you power.

When I--

• workout
• eat healthy
• see the beauty in myself
• chose not to listen to negative thoughts
• surround myself with Christian men and women
• chose to love myself
• refuse to engage in self-sabotage
• let myself be loved
• turn to His word to make me whole

I am complete.

When.... I have decided that when is not bad. When is the time at which things come and we all know good things come to those who wait. When you are still, confident, sure, patient, kind, loving, when you do all these things instead of wondering if, life is grand. When I live one day at a time, and trust  in myself, when is positive. Because when my time comes, its going to be magnificent.

This year has been trying to say the least. I have  experienced so much, but have grown leaps and bounds. I have hit the bottom and worked my way back up. Today I know I stronger and in a better place. I not only know myself, I know the Lord. Getting older sucks. Its sucks even more when we say if and when instead of being content knowing that when it happens it will be good. I don't know about y'all but song gets me through much of life. I have listened to this song since about my second year in law school. When I thin back to what it meant then I laugh. I thought I had life figured out. Now, I know life is about so much more. I get to choose. I get to be heard. I get to love and be loved. I am saved because He died for me. So, yes getting older is hard, and grey, but it just means I am one day closer to my "when."

On Being OK

It's the question everyone will ask you post D, "Are you ok?" Ok, what does ok mean? Webster defines it as all right. We use it to mean yes, as in do you want to hangout tonight? ok. We use it to mean WTF? As in when you get upset with someone and then look at you and say Okay... (drawn out). But what does it mean to be ok? and who wants to be just ok?

I am not crazy, I am about to lose it or go off the deep end. I am divorced, not dead.  I have accepted the things I cannot change and decided to move forward. I am 30, not 80. I am single, not an alien. Yes people I am ok.

Yes, there are times I step backwards and miss things. Things, not people. Like having another person in the house to help with the pups or take the trash out, or just another warm body that takes up space. I miss conversation and always having someone to eat out with or go to the movies with. I miss companionship.

But, guess what? I have those things. Single does not mean alone. It means growing closer to my friends and family, renewing my walk with Christ and focusing on me. Yeah, that person that not neglected. I get to realize what I like, what's ok for me.

Like, I like flowers, running after work, I snort when I laugh, get embarrassed easily and have quite the sense of humor. I like wine with dinner or before bed. I like to snuggle and and hold hands. I enjoy random shows on reality TV and stolen glances.

I need a man who can lead me as well be lead. I need a man who wants to share my faith walk and wants to go to church. Someone who can show what it means to love and be loved. Who never takes me for granted and pursues me everyday.

I know these things because I am ok. Its been a journey. Its meant forgiving and apologizing, its meant frogs and toads, its meant tears and smiles. Its meant letting go and being vulnerable. Its looking forwards and not backwards. Its finding a super hero in the most unexpected place.

The D is never easy. Its like death. But after the mourning and grieving, you see the sun rise, step outside and your heart is warmed with the grace and glory of God. He gives you what you need. He gives you hope. He gives you the ability to be OK.

Taking Chances

Every day we each make a million choices. We choose to get out of bed, we choose what to eat and what to wear. We choose how to proceed through each day. We choose when to be happy and when to be sad. We choose to believe and have faith. We choose to take chances or sit on the sidelines and watch everyone else play the game of life.

 

True life, I spent a lot of time on the sidelines. I did the whole I could have, should have, but chose to not to. I let fear guide my heart and head. I let my head speak for my heart. I lived in the past and guarded every part of myself. I often chose the easy way out  because it was safer, easier, and didn't require my to be vulnerable.

 

I hid myself from the world, only letting people see small glimpses of who I really am. I covered the hurt and pain and fear. I clothed my pain in smiles, an outgoing personality and a drive for success. If you appear to have it altogether, you must, right?

 

I only took calculated risks. Ones that I knew the benefits outweighed the costs and came with quick and instant results. I planned and plotted and often gravitated towards the safe, sure thing. I didn't take any chance I couldn't predict the outcome.

 

I found myself falling back into this same pattern as of late. I went into defense mode, fight or flight. I guarded, put up walls and refused to let anyone see the pain and hurt. I said "I'm fine" more time than I can recount. I didn't take any chances because the D was a huge chance. It was leaving behind a sure thing so to speak. But I was transfixed again. I was scared, afraid. I felt pulled towards my old ways.

 

I have thought so much about what other people would think if I took a chance. What would people say if I let myself feel again, be again, fall again. Would they judge? Would they say its too soon? Would they think I had lost it and gone off the deep end? And then came the naysayers of oh, you need to wait, or don't seem to anxious or available. And there was just keep busy, don't sit home alone, go out, do things.

 

I listened to all the voices in my head, except mine. Only I know how I feel, only I know what's right for me and what I need or want. I had that moment when I had to take a chance a jump. It was staring me right in the face. I could fall or stand planted in the past.

 

Take chances. Don't be afraid. Tell people how you feel about them. Don't worry about how anyone else will react, if they love you and care about you, they will support you. Let people in. Tell them they are important and make them feel that way. Let yourself take chances and fall. We only get once life here on earth. We can spend it standing on the sidelines, or playing the game. I'm ready to play.

 

 

Being Still

  Day 16, Thursday: Something difficult about your "lot in life" and how you're working to overcome it  

This one isn't hard for me. I have shared before my life with you all. The story of my father, he stay courtesy of the State of Texas, my struggles growing up in a single-parent home, "daddy" issues, coupled with my recent life changes in the marriage department.

 

I have long accepted my lot in life. I know that this is where God wants me. He has chosen me to accept the challenges presented me and work through them. He has made me His disciple, His mouthpiece, His example.

 

I have struggled, hard and often. I have doubted, been angry and turned away. I have questioned more than 1000 once "why?" I would not wish what I have been through on anyone other than to say it has provided me a strength that is unlike any other. My lot has fueled me to reach higher, push harder, strive to overcome. It has allowed me to see both sides of the coin and use that insight to reach out and help others.

 

I have been allowed to counsel others, walk with them, carry their burdens when they are too weak to do so. My lot has made me who I am today. This lot was chosen for me, destined, mine. I have always abided by the mantra that God does not put anything  before you that you cannot handle, so I must be pretty darn strong. But it is the truth. He always provides, always gives you want you need, not what you want, but what is needed to live out your lot.

 

Right now I am working to be still. We discussed this a lot lately in our group and sermons about being still and being comfortable in your season. I shared with my CG family what the last few months have been speaking to me. It has told me to be patient, be still. Its is in those quiet moments that I hear Him telling me that I am ok. I am doing what He wants. I hear Him calling to me. He speaks words that are often hard for me to hear. But it is what I need. When I am still I heard His words providing comfort, telling me to accept the things I cannot change. He has granted me courage to move forward; put people in my life to show me what love should look and feel like; surrounded me with a family of believer to lift me up and love me unconditionally; and  allowed me peace because He is carrying my sin.

 

I overcome my lot with prayer.

 

“Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!” Psalm 46:10

Creepin

Yes, I apparently when to a baseball game and ended up on a roller coaster... but if you look closely you might just see the best creepin of all time... And rest assure you better read creepin and say it in the Eric Church voice (and if you do not know who Eric Church is or the reference then I'm not sure we can be friends, or you live under a rock).

But I digress, what's new though... Hmm so in light of my recent life changes I have had a couple of freakouts... including yesterday's I hate the IRS one, which involved my paycheck shrinking to the tune of $300 a month. Yes, you heard me people, the IRS screws single people. Yes, I the single woman who must support herself now must do so with $600 less a month. Tell me how this makes any sense? Seriously? This sticker show was met with tears, anger, a few choice words, and then thinking through things calmly (yeah right, me calm?). I freaked out! How would I pay for the new car I just got? Well, a few tears, prayers and rational thinking (thank you friends and family) I managed to come to terms with this recent dollar development and rework my budget. So, goodbye yoga, massages and well anything fun (unless I want to move into a shack and drive a beat up Honda). I just vowed that God will provide and this forces me to just rethink what is truly necessary in my life right now. (Sorry Chloe and Sophie, no fancy haircuts for you!).

You would think that was enough... until you know Pandora's box opens and life just starts jumping up and kicking you in the patootie. if you have read my blog for any decent time you have inevitably read why I went to law school (parts 1 & 2) and know a lil history on my father and such and so on. Well, I have always been uber curious as to the real story and some things that I was just not privy to. Hello fabu friend who works in the DA's office and helped a girl out. (Pretty sure he may now be thinking oh Lord why did I agree to help this crazy girl?)

Needless to say, this has been a trying week for me. I am clinging to the faithful and encouraging words of my wonderful friends and family. One of my friends sent me a text last night after she went to a celebration at our church and it hit home with me. She told me how we often try to fix ourselves up for God so he will love us, but instead we need not do this. He makes us clean and saves us from sin without asking. It hit me. I have been trying so long to fix myself, to be more reverent, faithful to show Him (and others) I am worthy. I have been so focused on trying to be what I thought everyone wanted that I have forgotten how to be myself. Me, that person He created to serve a greater purpose. Me who was sent here to do great things. Yes I will suffer, but not in vain. Every challenge I face is not Him telling me to fix myself, but preparing me for something else.

So as hard as its been, I have been trying to let go and pray instead of scream, breathe instead of freaking out and seeking help when I know I need to be lifted up.

So, yes only I can go to a baseball game and end up on a roller coaster.

Have you Ever?

Have you ever had one of those weeks, months, days, years where nothing seems to go as planned, and you find yourself spending $355 on dogs? (yikes I need to be a vet not a laywer)!

Seriously though, its as if I woke up one morning and life looked back at me from the other side of the bed and said "No soup for you!" So, what do you do? Cry uncontrollably on the floor of your kitchen Roll with the punches!

Start over, press rewind, take a mulligan in your life. Live in the moment, literally I am taking it moment by moment. Sometimes the moment is filled with angst, tears and fear, and others in fabulous self-exploration or with the Glory of God at work in my life.

We have become so complacent and tend to take any twist or turn as a sign of bad things to come instead of God sending a message that we have taken the road less travelled (and not the proverbial one). Its a chance to recourse and make changes for the better. Is it easy? Heck no! But anyone who told you life was easy flat-out lied to you honey! (Much in the same way our parents lie to us when they say we can be anything we want to, 'cause pretty sure I will never be a pro-soccer player or prima-ballerina or princess for that matter, Thanks mom....)

So, when you hear those words in your head, or feel that swell of overwhelming tears in your throat, don't fear. Let it out, but then use it as fuel. See it as the sign you have been given the chance to a new day.