Entitled

I had every intention of blogging for Blogtember again today as I love a good creative writing prompt, but then life got in the way and work ate me for lunch and dinner and so I sat frustrated last night in city group. I arrived in a huff after a hellacious day, a horrible trip to the store and a half done breakfast pizza in hand. Flustered is an understatement.

I shleffed through conversation as we sat and ate and caught up on everyone's week. I laughed and giggled a little with our host's son, who just brings joy to a room, but I just was not right. I found myself jealous at the growing pregnant belly on one of the girls and knowing there was another one soon to be popping and just tried to smile. I was disgruntled with the smiles of the faces around me and just was not very inspired by the sermon last week, so all in all I just felt like it would have been better for me to sit at home and rest.

Urg....As we begin to talk about the sermon and delve into Mark, I felt myself come around a little. The topic: scandalous grace and one-way love. One-way love... this is so hard for me to give and receive.

It is hard for me to think that people just love me for me and except nothing in return. I often turn down things from people because I do not want to feel obligated to them or I constantly feel like I cannot say or do anything to upset them after because I "owe" them something.

On the flip side, I expect other people to love me or care for me a certain way. I excpect my mother to love me like a "mother" should. You know, you feel entitled to be cared for the way you think that should look like. We expect our spouses, friends, significant others to love us how we need to be loved. We feel entitled.

When Jenny said that I was dumbfounded. Entitled... Ouch, it stung in my soul. That was it. That was what got to me. I feel entitled. Not that I should be given certain things for praise for a job well done, but entitled to be loved a certain way.

I feel like my mother, brother, family should love me like a "family" should (you know conjure up the Walton's or the Brady Bunch). I feel like my friends should know when things are wrong and include me in things to show they care for me and love me. Even as I walked into my CG last night I felt entitled for them to see how frustrated and down I was and love me.

I listened more to what Jenny was saying and thought about it. Does Jesus expect me to do, act or be a certain way to earn His love and Grace? No... that is the whole meaning of scandalous grace. Its meant for those who are dirty, broken and seemingly unworthy of love, forgiveness--grace. Does Jesus feel entitled to my love? For me to love Him a certain way? Of course not. He gives me this love and grace and steadfast support no matter what I do or so in return. I can forsake Him any number of times and He is still there, every present and ready to continue to love me.

So why do I feel entitled? What about our society has made us so selfish that we feel that we are owed anything by anyone? Why is one-way love so hard for us? No one can love and care for anyone perfectly, except Him.

We cannot love our family, friends, spouses exactly how they need. Sure we can try and we accommodate that, its part of compromise and a healthy relationship, but its not the giving of this love we struggle with, its accepting it. Its saying this is the love this person has to give me, just as He provides and I need to accept it for what it is and be thankful I have it.

Shedding that sense of entitlement is no easy task and I don't think you can truly escape it. It creeps in so easily much like greed and envy.

As I got in the car last night and drove I began to cry. Part of it was pure exhaustion and stress and part of release of emotion. The tears fell and I prayed. I asked for forgiveness and thanked Him for continuing to love me perfectly--perfectly scandalous.

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast. Ephesians 2:8-9.

Trusting

As I read your comments on yesterday's post I felt loved. As I sat around the dinner table at my small group talking about sanctification and grace, I felt resolve. My church as been taking on sanctification the last couple of weeks as we prepare to study the book of Mark. This mini-series has rocked my heart, soul, and faith to the core.

It has caused me to stop and think about so much that has gone on in my life the past 6-8 months. See, I have experienced every emotion ten-fold, and wallowed in so much anger, fear, grief and depression, its amazing I can get up each day. I  have doubted, feared and been angry with Him, but mostly myself. I have resisted every "bone" thrown my way, because its wasn't in "my plan" or what I thought was best for me. I began to doubt even the D being good for me, I mean what if it was just me fearing that caused me to leave. Seriously people, my poor brain  has been in overdrive. My heart as been broken and healed more times than one should experience in a lifetime in a couple months. To say I was lost would be an understatement.

So, I digress... so as I sat and listened to both the sermon Sunday and then recounting it last night, I started to get it. I am saved. I am forgiven. I am healed. I am because I am His child and He died for me so that I could live. I  need not feel sorrow or guilt, or anger. I need not fear for He has a path laid for me. Sure, easy to say, harder to believe. Yes,  but He knows this. He also knows that I will falter, fail, stumble and resist. But, He will be there.

Its the why that gets me. Why do I fear? Why do I resist? Why do I engage in self-sabotage? I think because its easier. Its feels better. Change is hard, its uncomfortable, its uneasy and its unknown. Its much easier to stay in neutral, become complacent, comfortable, or monotonous. You feel in control this way. You know what each day will bring and how it will play out. I am guilty of this. Even through all the change I have experienced, I have struggled, I have resisted and tried to maintain as much normalcy as possible. I have also pushed away good things. Friends, turning to Jesus in times of crisis, family,  E. I have tried to tackle all my anger, fear and doubt alone. I have decided it would be easier at times to go back, or hide. I have asked why me? When does it stop? I have indulged in things that I think will make the pain go away, only to wake up with a huge headache, empty wallet or hollow heart.

I know this season of my life will come with some pain, but its good. Its Him at work, healing me, mending the brokenness, pointing on His path for me. And guess what? the less I resist the faster the pain shall pass. As our pastor said on Sunday and it stuck with me "be compelled by grace." He has shown me grace, thus I must show myself the same.

I am going to mess up, I am going to fail so to speak, but its ok. I am allowed to not know how to do all, be all, have it all and do it perfectly. And its ok to be 30 and start over. Its ok to allow myself to feel, to love, to fail, why Because He forgives, He loves, and I am saved.