Dating After The Big D

This is a touchy subject. You would think that its my life, therefore my dating life. Oh the contrary my friends, on contraire! Seems everyone has an opinion regarding my post marriage life. And not just on dating, they have opinions on everything from homes, lifestyle, spending, clothing , thoughts, you name it, I have heard an opinion on it. But we are here to talk about dating.

First of all, let me put it on the record that I had not really dated since I was 23. Yup, I met M when I was barely 23. He was basically all I knew for 7 years and most of my real adult, post college life. He shaped most of my thoughts regarding grown-up relationships and my self-esteem as a young woman. So, when I found myself suddenly single again, I was at a loss for how to do it again. But that gets ways ahead of the story.

First, I have those that think I should not date, well  not any time soon. Yes, I should sit, stew, "get over it" "deal with it" or my personal favorite "figure out who I am." I get where these people are coming  from. They want me to have time to heal and really look at myself and see where I am, who I am, and what I truly want in someone. I lost so much of myself during my marriage that they just want to ensure that I am looking for someone who fulfills the real me.

But come on, I am 30! I cannot just sit on my butt and wallow. These people would also have me just not do anything sometimes I think. They fall into the do go out, don't hang out with guys alone, just hang out with groups and your girlfriends. Well this is all fine and dandy, except most of my friends are either married or coupled up. So.. yeah of course its a little hard. And who wants to sit alone by yourself. I am 30 people not 50! I am young, no children and for once in my life can pretty much come and go as I please.

Next we have the people who think I can date but don't get into anything serious. I'm with these people, I can grasp where they come from a little more. Get your feet wet, see what you like, but be careful not to rush into something just to satisfy your comfort. These people kind of go with the get it out of your system people. Those who think I should just jaunt around town coming and going as I please with whomever cause I can. In general, this group thinks I just need to be single and have fun to avoid any emotional attachment too soon. Its hard people. You find someone you really like and connect with them and you want to see where it goes. Its in our nature to couple-up and be monogamous. So, while I understand where this groups means well, its hard to follow through and let's face it, I was never the "player" type. I tried, it failed miserably. But, I do feel like this group has some good thoughts. ( I mean I just moved again, bought a house and work has ramped up, so I am a little overwhelmed too say the least.)

We have the you need something totally opposite from M. People, M was not a monster. Sure we had our differences and there were things (obviously) that I couldn't live with (literally) but I fell in love and married him for a reason. I was drawn to him for lots of reasons. So to go totally opposite from him would be asking me to find someone I am not compatible with. Yes, I need to look for someone who has things he did not, but let's not go from what I am naturally attracted to, to well I dunno, the hard-core punk type ( no offense to you all, just not my thing). I will always be attracted to athletic-build, sports-loving men. Its just what I go for. However, I do need one who wants to make me his number 1, who can live with every college football game every Saturday, and wants a Jesus-centered relationship.

Then there are those who weigh in regarding whether I should date someone who is divorced, single, has kids, is older, younger, etc... than me. Ok, so let's face it, I am kind of an old-soul. I grew up way before my time and tend to gravitate towards older men. So, how old is too old? I mean, 35? 37? 43? 52? Yes, these are the ages of men who have pursued me. ( I know you see 52 and think what?) This is a story for a whole other blog. But the point is, how old is too old? I mean when we get into the 40's my thoughts are, well if you have kids they are approaching teens and do you want more kids? cause I want my own. Then you get into the 52 year old and he has daughters closer to my age than I am to his. Mid-30's they have little kids. Ok, so again, do they want more? Or why are they single if they are not divorced?

I am ok with kids. Bring on your own kids I will grow to love them as my own--you just have to want or be able to have more. (Yes be able to... what is with men and having their manhood taken away who want to date 30 year old women?). If you know anything about me, than you know I want to be a mom more than anything in the world. And I want that with my own, not that I will not love yours, but I want to have my own little ones to raise and screw up. But what about your kids that are older? Will they accept me? Will they see me as the other woman? Will they hate me? I think about all these things.

Age - so hard here. I mean I don't want or need a sugar daddy, but then again men my age I tend to worry about sometimes. I mean why are you single at 30-something? Do you have the I am just never getting married and will waste your time attitude? Are you flawed in some way that I cannot see until a year in? Are you annoying as all get out? 10+ years older than me and I am like what do we have in common and why on earth are you dating someone half your age? And what do I look like? Gold-digger? or perhaps I am the old soul that completes you?

And when did dating become all texts and social media heavy? I mean call a woman. And how do you find people? Online? (yes I have gone there), church, grocery store, bar, mutual friends... Its not like I am in college and these things happen organically. At least I can quasi-screen these people via FB....

But mostly, I have realized in all this dating is that it will have it ups and downs. I will falter, fail, screw up, move too fast, move too slow, jump too quickly, look like an idiot,  and I am scared. Scared I will make a mistake, find myself back in the same place I am now. If I have said it once, I have said it a thousand times I am the master of self-sabotage. I find something good and out of fear screw it up. I find myself doing the I am not good enough, or the what-if dance. I self-doubt and self-hate and end up in a mess. I want to be loved. I want to get married again and have children. I want someone who wants me--plain and simple.

So, what do you think? Advice? Thoughts? People you think I need to meet? lol. Happy Hump Day all!

Thoughts on a Tuesday

Monday Musings

My weekend was a whirlwind. My mom came in to help me finish unpacking and clean out my old apartment and well, just hang out.

Saturday, post workout, she came in and we headed out in search of the perfect rug and curtain and well anything else I saw that I just "had to have." Who knew rug shopping could be such a beating!

I looked, and looked and looked some more. People, seriously... I know its a rug, but its The Rug. The Rug that will be in my living room and it needs to be perfect.

So here it is:

I promise to post more picture soon, but this was just suck a feat...

In other weekend news, I am sure those of you in the DFW are have heard of the passing of Kidd Kraddick. For those of you elsewhere, he was a legend in radio here and all over. I listened to him every morning since I was in grade school, carpooling. It is such a huge loss for not only radio, but for the thousands of kids he helps with his non-profit Kidd's Kids. Each November he took terminally ill children to Disneyland for a week. All-expenses paid for the child and their family to have a once in a lifetime vacation where there were no worries, just fun. This man was amazing and will be missed. My mornings will never be the same. So in his words:

Keep Looking Up, Cause that's where it all is.

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Things that go scratch in the night

There is something (animal/rodent) scratching from inside my house. It is coming from the stove/fridge. It kept me up all night 1) because it was loud and 2) freaked me out. I'm so scared of what it is and where its hiding and what it may do if it escapes. I have not slept and I feel like death warmed over. This homeowner thing is so overrated and I am so over it!

So, off to the store to purchase traps... and wine... need more wine!

When you Take a Girl to CM

Cm--Central Market that is. Yeah, so our small group met there last night for a lil food, fellowship and grocery shopping? No, its just happened that I needed several things pretty much only found here, hello xantham gum? So, post eatsy I headed through the aisles (E did not know what hit him).

I took out my lists, yes you heard me lists... I was armed and dangerous with items to make several meals and some yummy shakes courtesy of Katie over at The Dashing Dish. If you have never read her blog or delighted in her recipes, well you should. She takes all the food I love and turns it into healthy alternatives (a girl after my own heart). And she has a million recipes for protein shakes.

Well, after a few samples, a hunt for cocoa powder and $101 later, I came home and stocked the fridge and pantry.

Also, Chloe Elaine got a summer cut yesterday and was just too cute for words! She pranced and danced all the way home!

 

And here lies the menace to society that I call Sophie Diane who caused the fiasco from yesterday and continues to terrorize the world (and her sister).

 

Happy Thursday y'all, week is almost over!

Just a Tad of Strawberry

To say I was overwhelmed with the love from yesterday's post would be an understatement. Your comments, emails, texts and chit chats on my couch were just what I needed. I know I am loved, but t his one was hard for me. Not so much that I felt I would be judged or looked down upon by y'all, but more how others would perceive it (you know those people I exist with in real life and not in blogland). Needless to say, but thank you. Thank you all for being so supportive of me, loving me and most of all praying for me.

But I digress... not really, as this was in no way a planned post. No, instead I bring you the hilarity of my life. So, I bought a house, yeah I owe you all pictures soon, but yes I am a homeowner. Things I have realized: I have no sprinkler system and live in Texas. So I spent 45 minutes last night setting up the hose and sprinklers so I could turn them on this morning (my designated day to water) and feed the lawn. 45 minutes to screw in some sprinkler heads? Yeah, it was place and test, place and test, get soaked, eaten alive by mosquitos and make a complete food out of myself in my pjs in my lawn. Yeah, what a Tuesday night!

So, I get up this morning, let the pups out, and proceed out of my back gate to turn on the water. I close the gate walk around the front and turn them on. I proceed to water. yes, water mostly the sidewalk and like a pea-size portion of my front lawn.... oh well. I head back inside and proceed to get ready for the day.

I dawn my favorite coral, linen dress which used to fit beautifully and I have been working hard to get back into. I tried it on, lil snug, but yes we can wear it! Small victory people, small.  I do my make up and then head back out to move the sprinklers before I do my hair. I proceed out the back gate again when, bam, a small Sophie-sized bullet shoots out of the back gate and proceeds down the street at lightening speed. She gallops, yes people my 7 pound pugeranian gallops like a freaking gazelle. I scream, yell, holler... nothing... I then notice the white fluffy mop I call Chloe engaging in a little tiff with the feral cat that lives under my neighbor's car. I abandon Chloe for the one dog down the street.

She is racing around a neighbor's yard like a banshee! She has found the one yard with dogs that can see her. She barks, yaps, squeals in delight and races circles around this yard. I am so mad at this point... I am in someone's yard, in a dress with flip flops, make up on, glasses on, hair in an awful mess and now sweating. I am livid to say the least. I approach her slowly and bend down to grab her, when RIPPP, yup you heard me, the slit in my dress rips... Great, now I am in the middle of the neighborhood with my a$$ hanging out of the dress I was so proud to get into!

I head back to the house, hoping the tear in my dress is not that bad.  If I could send her back I would. I abandon the sprinklers at this point and round up chloe and head inside. I cannot even look at Sophie. She got a good nose bop and a stern talking to (if CPS coulda heard me they would remove my children, good thing they can't....). It's now 6:55 and I have to fix my hair, eat breakfast and get Chloe to the groomer by 7am. FAIL. I look in the mirror at the dress... I see nothing out of sorts... the slit appears a lil higher, but magically I can move a little better in it than before. (I am sure there is something I cannot see and will be embarrassed later by a gaping hole). I rush through my hair throw on shoes and such, corral the dogs in the kitchen coax Chloe to me and rush out the door.

Which is how I ended up at Einstein's ordering a pumpernickel bagel, toasted with just a tad of strawberry smear... and writing this post. Sometimes you just need a carb-loaded breakfast with strawberry to make a bad morning better. Pray for and if anyone wants a 7 pound menace she is all yours!

Pink Elephants

I'm living with a giant pink elephant in my room. It followed me from my apartment to my new house. It sits in the bedroom and watches me sleep; cooks dinner with me; curls up on the couch and watches TV with me--its a parasite sucking the life out of me. Her name is depression.

She comes and goes from time-to-time--hell even moment-to-moment. Sometimes she forces candy and cookies down me or sits on my chest and doesn't allow me to breathe. She taunts me and holds me down when I try to get out of bed. Sure, I can overcome her most days. I simply push forward until she moves because I have to. I cannot sit in bed all day, or eat til I'm 150 pounds-- I have to function. I have to eat, sleep, workout, work, take care of puppies. I cannot shop her away, though I have tried.

People ask if I have talked to her, asked her why she was here. I look at these people dumb-founded, like WTF? As if you have no clue why I would have a giant pink monster following me around for the last eh, 9 months of my life. yeah I seem to have it altogether, what else am I supposed to do?

I cannot crack at work, cannot lose it with my friends, I have to function and appear normal. I am she-woman, remember? The truth is, I have suffered from this looming pink elephant most of my life.

I have tried therapy, counseling, meds, praying, writing... I have turned towards my friends and family more, but its still hard. I mean its hard to call someone and say I have no reason why I am down, I just am and I need to cry, wanna listen? I know I have people who would do this for me, but it seems so weak. Its seems silly, or worthless. I feel ashamed, dumb and embarrassed.

I remember when I first told M I was depressed. He looked at me like I was some strange being from outer space. He scoffed and acted like only crazy people said that. I  mean, he had never met anyone who was depressed. I think this is when I started to hide it more. I became more introverted. I stopped sharing my feelings and it got worse. I fed my depression with negative thoughts and trying to be what he wanted. I know he just did not know how to cope with it. But it only made me drown more.

Post-D, I have swam better some days than others. I have been able to tread water. Holding myself up and trying to take deep breaths. I have turned upward instead of inward. I have relied more on friends, but its still hard. There are just those days when that pink elephant seems to hop on my back and hold me down.

I haven't gotten "real" here in while. Well, this is about as real as it gets. I am 3 1/2 months post-D and still just trying to keep my head afloat. I have thoughts of what if, or did I do the right thing. I miss parts of my old life and let my head get filled with woulda, coulda, shoulda. I lose sight of what lies ahead. I turn away from those people who love me and care about me because I don't want them to see me suffering. I run in fear from new things that seem to good to be true. I fear a repeat. I stand looking at my life and wonder why? And how. How did I get here. Why did things not go as planned? What do I do now?

I stand at a precipice and I can either jump or be transfixed in time. I can  unleash the elephant or carry it forward. But right now, I just have to get through today.

That One Time I Got a Parasite

Yeah, me, this girl had the fruit parasite thing. Its no bueno people! Its copious stomach upchucking and other assorted bathroom issues. It comes complete with a great antibiotic though. But the issues, oh the issues.

Like mid-way through an awesome Sunday service when you swear your stomach is gurgling louder than the freaking Trevi Fountain.

 

 

So, needless to say, I spent most of the weekend posted close to the porcelain throne. I did, however, manage to get my lawn mowed. HUGE shout-out to the cutest 14-year-old lawn boy who graciously mowed my lawn (and his dad for edging, weed-eating, etc... aka killing his back) for me. And word to the previous homeowners: thanks for never taking care of the lawn. You sucked at lawn care! And then it rained... like hello downpour.

Friday I finally drug my butt out of bed and got a "I do not feel well" pedi. I did hang out with the fam for a tad bit this weekend. Aunt K had a bday and we celebrate family-style with steak, bundt cake, and champagne!!  (wow I am all kinds of rambling today and in no kind of order).

Other randoms from my weekend include: lazy puppies, working and lots of calls/texts from friends & my sister in NYC to check on me. (Did I mention I am loved/God knows when you need some love in your life).

That's it. My weekend in a Hemingway-like stream of conscience flow. xoxo

I spy with my lil eye two lazy worthless furballs!

Confessional Friday

Aww Friday, so in need of this one, like way in need. I have been stressed out, overwhelmed, and flat our exhausted. To the point that my body is shutting down on me. Nails like crap, face ridic and  up all night taking trips to the bathroom (catch my drift). But, alas its Friday and time to confess. And this week the lovely Leslie has take on Guilty Pleasures... So here we go: these things top my list of guilty pleasures:

1. Peanut M&Ms - to the tune of 5 a day. Yes, one our paralegals stocks them in her office and I allow myself 5-6 a day. I should stop, but I can't. They are small, and the perfect mix of chocolate and salty peanut goodness.

2. Mani/Pedi - Yup, now that I am a homeowner I should stop, but I can't help it. That feeling of the hot stones and paraffin wax just relaxes me like none other.

3. Laying out - It just makes me feel and look good. A nice golden glow to go with my blonde hair just somehow makes me feel complete. It brightens my day, my skin and well let's face, we all look better with a tan. (I do wear a huge hat, sunnies and gobs of spf)

4. my Pups - yup, they are I admit it. I would have more money and be able to leave on a whim if I did not have them, but I saw them, wanted them and got them. Even that lil menace 2nd baby I acquired in March during the worst days of my D depression. They drive me nuts, won't pee without an audience, track in mud and dirt, but man oh man when they snuggle up to me at night, lick me when I cry, and stay by my feet while I'm sick, I just know they are my guilty little pleasure and I love them more than words.

5. Shoes - yeah, let's face it, they always fit not matter what and just make a girl feel good.

6. FroYo - cause everyone knows its just not as bad for you as ice cream and I only add strawberries which are like free calories, right? (ok and maybe some cookie dough bites) but its like free dessert calories...

Confess beauties! and TGIF! If you need me this weekend, Ill be crawling around under my house (ok  I won't, someone else will) and trying to mow and edge.... ok so perhaps I will watch someone do that as well. But I will clean and put stuff away!

I Ate A Shark

Yup, you heard me correctly I ate a shark, as in one of those gummy ones in shades of blue. Yup I ate it at like 745 am. Shark for breakfast! Not like sharknado... more like gummy bear, but bigger and way tastier...

So, its Wednesday and I have not much to tell other than my house is still a mess... but...I have:

• a doggie door (thank you E)
• TV (thank you E for wheeling and dealing with the man)
• floors will cost me $5400 to replace (grrr)
• A/C tuned up
• bathed dog who ran like a man woman through the mud
• fixed electrical
• lights in the backyard (Thank you neighbors for giving me a ladder and anything else I have asked to borrow)
•  a storm door that does not shut (so please Mr. workman shut the front door when you come in), which leads me to the phrase I have used more than once this weekend and made me sound like my mother "I'm not paying to air condition the outside!"

Things I need to do/buy"

• mow the lawn/learn to mow/hire someone?
• spray for bugs
• get bookcase from my Aunt's
• paint dining room chairs
• buy another big basket for blankets, etc...
• get rest of my crap from apartment
• acquire a sugar daddy? maybe?

Happy Wednesday y'all and Happy Birthday to my girl Jessika over at Stand Still Look Pretty! and Erin @ Living in Yellow!!.

Just Another Manic Tuesday

Yes, I was in mid-post yesterday and BAM, work! Yeah, I know I know, work in the middle of blogging? How dare it! So, here is the post from yesterday. ( And seriously, the heavens are against me blogging. Just as I typed this sentence, I had to run home because E locked himself out of my house....)

So, without further ado......Of course it would rain on moving day. I woke up Sunday, took the pups outside and BAM, its raining. Great! Oh well, because I had movers coming and my apartment was pack and I was moving. Hello, what great movers! They were quick, super sweet, wrapped a bunch of my stuff for free, and oh did I mention did not sweat all over my stuff? (ya know that grosses you out too).

But, I digress... After a very late Friday night (to the tune of getting home at 4am....) I was up early Saturday for a little 3 mile jog (without losing my stomach, thank you very much), breakfast with my girl CT, and then heading to the Aquarium in Grapevine for a little fun with two of the cutest munchkins in the world..... My mom showed up around noon, we headed to the house to meet the painter and then headed to Ikea! Yes, on a Saturday I took my mom to Ikea.... Dangerous, but such a good trip. Well, er if you think getting out of there with only spending $919 was good... hey, I needed a lot of stuff.

Post Ikea trip, we headed back to my apartment to load up more clothes and other odds and ends and pack. I packed and packed and then just decided it was a night. So with two carloads of stuff, we made one more trip back to the house... We arrived and then someome (whose initial is an E and seems to have a hard time with keys) lost my keys. As in we could not find them and had no way to get into the house. Did I mention it was like 90+ degrees? We looked in every box, and nook and cranny of my car and my mom's. No keys. So Mom and I headed back to the apt. I searched the apt to no avail. Finally I found my keys. Underneath E's car. As in I had to crawl on my hands and knees to find them, in a nasty parking garage. When we finally unloaded the car and such I just wanted to die. And this was only Saturday night.

But then, Sunday, moving day... rain. Like I said before it went pretty quickly and then I spent the day unpacking, arranging and building things (well I didn't build). I did manage a few small projects.

I finally recovered the dining room chairs.

And I painted this cabinet for my dining room.

And... the girls love the ottoman.

Confessional Friday

Linking up with the ever lovely Leslie for this week's Confessional Friday Most Embarrassing Moment Edition.

So....I admit it was hard narrowing down my most embarrassing moment since I: 1) get embarrassed really, really easily and 2) I have experienced so many moment where I wished I could just die, right there.

But today I am taking you back to law school. Yes, those days of constant fear you will be called on to recite and have not read the case.... Where Professors scare you to death and so on and so forth. So 2L year, Wills & Trusts with my fave professor, Prof. Beyer. I am sitting in the front row (Thanks K for that seat choice and then not quite showing up on time a lot). So there I am just gchatting away while I am supposed to be taking notes, and paying attention. When all of a sudden, Jessie A. sends me the cutest little kitty picture followed by another hilarious one. See, I had been having a helacious week (month year, it was law school everything was awful). So there I sit, I receive my picture and proceed to literally LOL. Yes, I laughed out loud whilst Prof. Beyer stood two feet from me.

He stopped, looked over and politely asked "Ms. Taylor, is there something funny?" I blushed about the most amazing shade of red, pits began to drip with sweat and I think I peed my pants, just a little. "Umm no." Him "Are you looking at something that you shouldn't?" Oh Sh!t, oh Sh&t... I was totally caught but so had to wiggle my way out of this one, while everyone could clearly see that I had kittens on my screen. "Umm, no sir, just funny thing I wrote in my notes." Please leave me alone I thought.... "Ok."

I had escaped by the skin of my teeth... Jessie immediately sends apology message. I have never been so embarrassed in my life. I was called out in front of the entire class of about 100 people.... I died. I wanted to crawl in a hole and pull it in after me. It was like 5 year old me just sitting there, ashamed, except I was 27.

For those law school grads you totally understand me, and well everyone should. Its professional embarrassment. I could also tell you seeing you boss at 6am while walking your dogs in your rather small pj shorts is just as embarrassing, but what makes it worse is him mentioning it to you, at work, in your office....

See, told you my life is chalk full of fun! TGIF loves, have a superb weekend, If you need me or are in the DFW area, come help me move! xoxo

WILW

Yeah, its been a while since I shared what I am loving right now and I have so much to be thankful for so here goes....

1. HOMEOWNER - Yup, I own my own lil piece of Texas, all 1263 square feet of it.

2. Friends - I am so blessed to have amazing friends who love and support me... no matter what. Night or day they are there to listen, provide advice, the perfect verse, or just a hug.

3. Two songs - Girl on Fire and Listen... Don't know why, but these songs just make me feel powerful and no matter my mood I put them on and remember why I am here, why I am doing this and that I can make it through even the roughest seasons of life.  Thank you K, K, F, CC, C ( I see a theme here) & E for always being there for me.

4. Christ - My savior. A good friend told me it is in the darkest hour that He shows his beauty we just often miss it because we are so encompassed in grief and pain. This really stuck with me. If I stop and look around I can see Him working in magical ways. I may feel low, out of sorts and lost, but I am not alone. He is with me--showing me that when he closes a door, He opens a window to something new and just as amazing. Today I am loving the Lord.

Closing Time

Yup, its that time... Closing day... as in on my house. You know that house I bought way back like 2 months ago... Yup, well today I will write the biggest check of my life and buy that house. Scary, yes. Terrified, yes. Excited, well I'm sure that will come tomorrow. But today, I will be donning those big girl panties and growing up. Hey, who said you had to grow up before 30?

So, today I will put the past aside, close a chapter of my life and turn the page to a new one. I resolve to be confidant in the choices and decisions I have made and not let regret sneak into my new home. So, Ill be the girl with the giant wedgy today with those big girl pants stuffed under her business attire.

Sometimes

 

Sometimes I have no desire to get out of bed. Sometimes I just want to sleep all day. Sometimes I get mad at the puppies for wanting to play when all I want to do is sleep. Sometimes I cry for no reason. Sometimes I get angry at people for no reason. Sometimes I sit in my office and look back at the clock and an hour has passed. Sometimes I regret. Sometimes I feel lost and lonely. Sometimes I wonder what if. Sometimes I want to run and hide. Sometimes I doubt. Sometimes I engage in self-sabotage. Sometimes I lose my faith. Sometimes I engage in self-loathing. Sometimes I want to take it all back.

Fabulous Fourth Photo Dump

I know I owe you all a vacation post, but truth is, I have not had time, been totally stressed and well at this point who cares, right? So instead I give you my 4th of July week photo dump!

This one can sleep

again with the sleeping