I had a moment in church today. It had been a couple weeks since I had been due to work, icemaggedon and such. I realized it had been a month since my last Redemption Group meeting. I had been going through the motions for the last month or so. I was tired, confused, angry, exhausted and honestly, just kind of "over" it all.
Its so easy to get this way, apathetic and vaguely Christian. Part of it stems from the grueling 10 weeks of RG and reliving every moment of the past 10 months of my life over and over again; part of it stems from not wanting to give up what I know I should and lay down for what I know is right; and part stems from the hustle and bustle that has been my life as of late. So, as I sat there listening, I realized our pastor was speaking to me. My hardened, cold heart was much like the Disciples in Mark when they again asked what they were to eat with only one loaf. I have seen the Lord do so much in life the past 10 months, yet when I was tired and no longer wanted to listen I turned away. Did He? Did He turn His back? No. He never left the Israelites side as He led them out of Egypt, yet I did when other things got in the way.
I think this time of year its easy to lose sight of what it's all about. We get tied up with buying the perfect gift for everyone on our list, getting the Christmas cards out and to everyone who sends us one, to attending all the parties and baking the perfect treat. Have we decorated just right? Have we the best meal planned; plotted out how to see everyone that day.... Its exhausting. Its so much and yet, every year we all indulge in this game of "Christmas."
When I got home I reflected a lot on this. Am I guilty of playing the game? of engaging in feel theology and vague Christianity? Duh! We all are. But what have I done to change this? What have I done to truly thank Him and show my gratitude for all the blessings in my life? I sat down on my couch and began to cry. I cried for the past year of my life, for M, for my future and for forsaking Him when I should have been turning towards Him. The tears turned into sobs and the sobs gave way to pleading and then into prayer.
I am by now means perfect, nor the perfect example of the Christian life, but I am trying. I made a list of all the things that I needed to reprioritize and then slept. I realized I had been so exhausted from trying to keep up with the Game, that I had neglected what was important: myself and Him.
So, today, thing about "the reason for the season." Stop playing the game for a moment and reflect on why we do it. Commit yourself again to putting what is right first and know that even if you do or don't tie the perfect ribbon upon your gifts, if its not done for His glory, it means nothing.
I leave you with a quite by C.S. Lewis our pastor shared with us:
"The Christian way is different: harder, and easier. Christ says “Give me All. I don’t want so much of your time and so much of your money and so much of your work: I want You. I have not come to torment your natural self, but to kill it. No half-measures are any good. I don’t want to cut off a branch here and a branch there, I want to have the whole tree down. I don’t want to drill the tooth, or ...crown it, or stop it, but to have it out. Hand over the whole natural self, all the desires which you think innocent as well as the ones you think wicked—the whole outfit. I will give you a new self instead. In fact, I will give you Myself: my own will shall become yours.”
It is both harder and easier than what we are all trying to do. You have noticed, I expect, that Christ Himself sometimes describes the Christian way as very hard, sometimes as very easy. He says, “Take up your Cross”—in other words, it is like going to be beaten to death in a concentration camp. Next minute he says, “My yoke is easy and my burden light.” He means both.” - CS Lewis
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