Toes in the Water

 

This is where I am as we speak. A$$ in the water (or on a lawn chair), drink in hand, relaxing. I'll return Saturday, until then, envy me. I deserve this!

 

 

Until Next week y'all!

Thoughts on a Thursday

Yup, this pretty much sums up my week. Blah. I am in a funk, out of steam and my head is already on vacation. No, I did not fall off the face off the earth or go undercover for the CIA. I just need a break. As in I need to clear my head, my heart, and my soul. I have endured a lot these past couple months and have been pretty open and honest with you all about them. But, now I need to step back, evaluate where I am and start anew. I am hoping that vacation next week does just that. So, I am gone forever, just taking a little time for me.

Until then I leave you with this:

5 on Friday

Thought I would hope on over, meet some new people and join in a link up for this Fabulous Friday. So check out these ladies and see my 5 on Friday!

1. Man of Steel - Yes I saw it last night, early premier, thank you Superman! And can I say...Henry Cavill... yum.... that is all. Just yum. The movie was good though. For someone who did not grow up watching Superman it was a good movie. Action-packed, love story, hot guy.... I'd give it an A.

2. 24 day Challenge - Yup, I'm doing it. I am on day 5. Once I got the Fiber drink down to an art its all good. I think I am feeling the benefits (minus that mini cupcake I ate after court this morning or the bundtini for Cailin's bday...)

3. I will be on the beach in 9 days.

4. Father's Day - looking forward to sharing a relaxing day at the pool with my family, quasi-dad and other loves of my life to celebrate all things dad.

5. I close on my house July 10th! Its all coming together!!!

Thoughts on a Thursday {Happiness}

 

Happiness is a choice. Its conscious decision that you make everyday. Its seeing the beauty in the small things in life: the sunrise, puppy breath, morning dew, being told Good Morning, saying have a great day to the man at the coffee shop, or even holding the door for the woman with loads in her hands. Happiness is choosing to see God's blessing instead of dwelling on the struggles. Happiness depends on no one but yourself. No one can "make" you happy, someone can only relish in it or contribute to it. Today, choose to be happy. Choose to stop for a moment and see the beauty around you. All of this created by Him for us. Smell the proverbial roses. Smile at someone on the street and feel the warmth of it returned. Choose happy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

When

Ah yes, the proverbial "when." Its much like the proverbial "if," but this when has a new meaning. If you are (there it is again) anything like me (which most 30 year old woman are) you are constantly wondering what if, and when. As in, if I do this he will like me, or if I cut my hair like this, or if I only eat like that or if I workout more I could.... If.... if only.

Then you have when. When will I (insert any number of things women want)-- when will I

• get married
• have kids
• get the promotion
• lose weight
• buy a house
• like my body
• like my hair
• get all the things that I want out of life

When. If. Two small words that ruin run our lives. So, who says when and if have to reign supreme? They don't! Because "when" is powerful and gives you power.

When I--

• workout
• eat healthy
• see the beauty in myself
• chose not to listen to negative thoughts
• surround myself with Christian men and women
• chose to love myself
• refuse to engage in self-sabotage
• let myself be loved
• turn to His word to make me whole

I am complete.

When.... I have decided that when is not bad. When is the time at which things come and we all know good things come to those who wait. When you are still, confident, sure, patient, kind, loving, when you do all these things instead of wondering if, life is grand. When I live one day at a time, and trust  in myself, when is positive. Because when my time comes, its going to be magnificent.

This year has been trying to say the least. I have  experienced so much, but have grown leaps and bounds. I have hit the bottom and worked my way back up. Today I know I stronger and in a better place. I not only know myself, I know the Lord. Getting older sucks. Its sucks even more when we say if and when instead of being content knowing that when it happens it will be good. I don't know about y'all but song gets me through much of life. I have listened to this song since about my second year in law school. When I thin back to what it meant then I laugh. I thought I had life figured out. Now, I know life is about so much more. I get to choose. I get to be heard. I get to love and be loved. I am saved because He died for me. So, yes getting older is hard, and grey, but it just means I am one day closer to my "when."

Just Give In

Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion,  then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves,  not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. Philippians 2:1-4. 

 

Submitting. Wow, what a word. It conjures up ill-will and feminist uprising. It makes us feel weak and unequal. Its a powerful word that has developed such a negative connotation over the years. But what does it mean to submit?

Dictionaries define it as:

sub·mit  (sb-mt)

v. sub·mit·ted, sub·mit·ting, sub·mits

v.tr.

1. To yield or surrender (oneself) to the will or authority of another.

2. To subject to a condition or process.

3. To commit (something) to the consideration or judgment of another. See Synonyms at propose.

4. To offer as a proposition or contention: I submit that the terms are entirely unreasonable.

v.intr.

1. To give in to the authority, power, or desires of another. See Synonyms at yield.

2. To allow oneself to be subjected to something.

 

Its means giving in. Now, not in the sense that you have to roll over and have no sense or say about life, or no control over your heart and your actions. Its means to give in where things are out of your control or where the only answer is from Him.

 

I admit this is hard for me. I know the Bible speaks of wives submitting to your husbands and vice versa, but for this independent, strong-willed woman, submission is hard. It was hard in the context of my marriage and its still hard in my everyday life.

 

I didn't want to be "wrong" or "weak." I wanted M to see me for who I was, or who I saw myself as: lawyer, strong, needs no one to help her. I wanted to be equal, seen and heard. I fight tooth and nail to be heard. I caused upheaval where none needed to be sometimes. Submitting was just not something I wanted to do.

 

Now, I am not saying give in totally. That is not what the Bible says either. Women, wives, are not supposed to just roll over and be walked over. But its about submitting so that you can be the example of Christ in your marriage or relationship. Its about stopping when you ask these questions:

 

But I didn’t do anything wrong. But what if I know better than they do? But what if they’re wrong? But I was trying so hard. It’s just not fair. I have rights. I should at least be able to speak my mind. But I’ve been serving and giving and trying so hard. But I don’t deserve this.

 

This ever-asked "why me?" I found myself asking this last night. Why me? What did I do? Well, I struggle, I refuse, I don't submit.

 

I struggle to submit to people with more seniority than I; to my family and loved ones when they know better or more than I, but mostly I struggle to submit to the Lord. Letting go and giving in to His will and His plan for me. Understanding why He chooses me to endure certain trials and challenges. Why He has called me to this season in my life. I struggle to give in to his plan. I want to control and to know and see it before it unfolds. I know I make decisions that run counter to the plan designed for me as often things tumble and I find myself asking for forgiveness and grace to begin the journey again.

 

Submission is hard. Its scary and comes with fear and misunderstanding. Women get caught up in the word and connotation instead of jumping in, giving in, walking in His footsteps. I get anxious, scared, freaked out. I wrestle with how I can be a strong woman in the workplace and yet softer and gentler at home.

 

I know sometimes life would just be better if I just gave in. Is it possible to be both? Career woman and submissive creature of God?

Happies & Crappies

 

Aww Friday, Thank you! I have never needed this weekend more than I feel like I need I this week. So let's see what's been up with me:

 

Happies:

 

1. I. BOUGHT. A. HOUSE. Yes, my option period ended yesterday (after one extension) and I have a house. I close July 10th and well y'all Ill be taking off my big girl pants now and playing baby the rest of the weekend.

 

2. I leave for the beach in 16 days! Yes you heard me 16 of them. In 16 days I will be on the beach with my a$$ in the sand doing nothing.

 

3. I have the most amazing friends. Seriously they are so loving and supportive and there whenever I need them.

 

4. This lil man is turning 4! Happy Birthday Alexander!

 

5. My sweet Chloe will be 3 tomorrow!!!

 

Crappies:

1. Mother nature sucks. As in storms that keep me up and once a month happenings that keep me feeling like a small alien is stabbing me in my uterus, repeatedly.

2. See above. (its deserving of a double crappy)

3. Project get skinny is not going so well...

4. I am going to miss my nephews birthday party due to crazy schedule this weekend of pageant stuff and weddings.

5. Work is super stressful and about to kill me.

6. STRESS!!! Is everywhere right now. I am a little overwhelmed by all the decisions and indecisions that have been heavy on my heart and mind these last 5 months. I am hoping that the house ends these things and clarity and joy return to this little heart of mine (oh and the weight comes off...)

What did you week look like?

 

Future!

Yup, this is seriously posted to my monitor in my office. Its from my secretary. To most its a sweet message reminding me that I have so much to live for, that my past is just that and my future is yet to done.

Its this word that drives me. Future. It also scares me. The future is that unknown universe we cannot control. Its wonderful and beautiful, yet scary and fear all rolled into one.

As I sat at City Group last night listening to our family share God's word with each other, I made a vow--I vowed to let Him win. Win might be a bad word choice, but it makes sense in my head. He is supreme--think about it, He is supreme over all. Crazy huh? We do not have to him and haw over choices and decisions because He does it for us. He gives us the tools we need to live life according to plan.

This is hard for me--the planner. I have had my life "planned" out since I was err ummm 5? I had this dream of life at 30--married, good job, house, dog(s), and kids. I had this view of this glorious life that I would lead because I had worked hard for it and designed it to end this way. I spent so much time and effort forcing and pushing and sacrificing to get this plan and to keep it on track. I went against what I knew was right and good for me and focused on the trees instead of the forest of my life.

I worshipped materialistic wants instead of His wants for me. It seems so simple, I know--just give it all up to Him and life will live itself out how it was designed. yeah I know, not so easy. We are tempted daily to divert, worship false idols (shoes, purses, etc...) and control that which we inevitably have no control over. We force ourselves into a state of panic and stress when things "fall apart." We get caught up in the little things that step in our way instead of stepping backwards and marveling at the grandeur of life.

I am guilty of this. I have dwelled on the pain of the past 5 months of my life instead of looking at what good and awesome things I have been given. I have been given His word, shared with me by His messengers. I have been provided a new start surrounded by a family of believers and a family of people who love me. I have a job where I am living out His plan; two precious pups who bring joy and show me the simplicity of green grass and sunshine on my tummy; Christian women who are showing me what a marriage is, what a wife is and how to be whole again through Him; a loving man who is walking the steps with me each day, leading with a gentle hand, forgiving heart, and patient mind; and V&D who God has blessed me with to show me the glory of love and unconditional support.

God is good. Today is good. Future looks good.

My back hurts, my skirt's too tight

My booty shakes from left, to right from the left and to the right.... Come on you know you totally just sang/chanted that one out loud. My point... my body is getting... yes old.

I mean I remember when I could knock out a 7-minute mile and my back never ached. Last night on my run, which I think my grandmother could have run faster than I felt like I did, my body was screaming  at me. My knees ached, my back was killing me and every step seemed to take another year off me. Running used to be my solace, my stress relief, my freedom, what happened?

Seems like when I hit the big 30 my body just stopped. Metabolism stopped, hips widened, stomach flabbed up... Just one big hot mess! My workouts didn't change,  my diet had been a little off but not so much that I have gained more than I would like to admit. I mean I heard that things slow down after 30, but I was hoping they meant life, not my freaking body!

I asked for thoughts on this subject and someone pointed out the inundation of stress in my life as of late. Ah yes, that little bugger.... in the form of moving, the Big D, buying a house, new puppy and more responsibility at work... Yes those things.... darn those things. I also was told perhaps my iron was low. Ah iron... I have been known to be anemic. So, let's put that on the list. Someone also pointed out that perhaps its was my BC. Hmmm, perhaps... I know some kinds can cause weight  gain, but I am pretty sure that is mostly a myth. And last but not least, it was kindly pointed out to me that I sit.... all.day.long. Hmph.... Yup, I sit in a chair all day and look at the computer and type. Yes I try to get up and move every so often, but I'm pretty much sedentary. Doesn't do much to keep the ole metabolism going... So sum it all up... my life sucks? Haha... No

Life is just in a transition period. I am being required to rethink and reform habits. I have to reevaluate what works for me, what is important and develop new routines. I no longer have someone who makes my egg whites and turkey bacon while I get ready or eats healthy with me. I have to do all these things on my own and let me tell you its much easier to just eat cereal (guilty this morning when I had plenty of time to make said egg whites and turkey bacon).

Has anyone else fought this battle? What have you done that has helped you kickstart your life again after a stressful bout?

Accountability

Small word, big meaning. But what does it actually mean? Does it mean doing what you say? Does it mean checking in? What does it mean to be accountable and who do you have to be accountable to?

I think about all the people who expect things of me each day: my boss,  my dogs, my family & friends, E. They each expect different things from me whether its productivity, love, care, etc.... Sure it would be easy for me to shirk responsibility and make excuses or justify behavior, its easy to simply say I forgot. And I admit, sometimes, I do it simply because I am tired or at the moment just do not care. However, I am the person who has to stand before Him at the end of the day and be satisfied. I have to look myself in the mirror and be able to sleep soundly at night. I have to be accountable to myself.

When you stop being accountable, you have the power to hurt. Its the decisions and choices we make when no one else is looking that define who we are and who we want to be. Its stopping and thinking, who I want to share this action in public? Would I want the people I care most about to know what I have done? Would my boss be pleased by my actions?

If when you stop and say these words out loud and the red of embarrassment or guilt creeps in then its the accountability monster telling you to stop. Its the inkling inside of you that says if so and so found out they would be upset or I would hurt them. Its thinking is this best for me in the long run or just a temporary Band-Aid to a problem that needs greater attention.

In our society today its easy to not be held accountable. We can hide behind social media, computer, texting and often have little to know human interaction. Its easy to type a text that says I'm sorry, but to he standing face-to-face and admitting we faltered is hard. I admit I do it all the time. I send the email instead of asking in person. I text rather than pick up the phone to say words like I'm sorry.

I think its also hard for most of us to rely on someone else, or trust in someone else to help bear our burdens. We are taught from a young age to be self-reliant, independent, strong-willed. Little girls are taught that to succeed we must be more like men and no show emotion too much. Even little boys are chastised when they cry and are called babies or sissies, as if being like a woman is weak. Even in my own work place I hate to cry. I shut the door, put on a strong face and often succumb to the male-centered jokes when I know its not me. I am not accountable for my actions.

I am the first to tell you that asking for help or telling someone I need them is not my strong point. I have built up a wall that says come no further, the door is closed. I can do all things myself. Blasphemy I say! I can do all things in Him. I can do all things when I turn to those who love and support me. I can do all things only when I admit my faults, my shortcomings and am held accountable day-to-day.

Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. Galatians 6:2

Turn to those you love and trust to hold you accountable for your actions. Share you weaknesses, your shortcomings and allow them to be there to help you in those times of need. We are imperfect and unable to do life alone. Allow others to help you carry your burdens. Be that person to someone else.

{Pretty sure I digressed about a million times during this post. I ramble what can I say, I channeled my inner Hemingway.}

What are your weaknesses? Who is your accountability partner? Do you hold yourself accountable?

Back on Track

If I have said it once I have said it a fazillion (yes fazillion) times... I need to get my a$$ back on track. I used to be a self-confessed health nut. I was a lil obsessed with the gym and not putting anything bad for me (well other than cheat days) in my body. And, then I began to work full-time instead of going to school, I spent 2.5-3 hours in a car a day and sit.... all.day.long. I began to snack, then I was depressed, then I got divorced. I just gave up.

Then I began to have a life again and my diet went out the window. Sure I still worked out and tried to eat relatively healthy, but I allowed myself for cookies, ice cream, bread, etc... than I had in the last 7 years. I had muffins, butter with bread, hummus galore... and it took its toll. My clothes fit, but not as well and then well I became even more depressed. Let's just get it out there, I hate/d my body.

Am I fat, umm no. I know that 100%, but am I where I feel comfortable, gorgeous and healthy? no. That is something I can take care of. So... here's to getting back on track. I also have a huge reason to... I leave for the beach in 20 days! Yes, you heard me, in 20 days I will be laying on the beach in Mexico with drink in my hand, book in the other and a wonderful  man by my side.

So, I stalked my fridge and panty with the essentials of my "I used to be a pageant girl and know how to diet" food and began last night. Broiled cod, broccoli and sugar-free cheesecake mousse for dessert. My goal, 5-8 pounds in 20 days. Yeah I know its kind of a huge goal, but.... I know I can do it. It means lots of runs, weights and pretty much just keeping my diet in check. I know its the next step in taking control of my life and getting back to being the best me I can be.

In other news here's what my weekend consisted of:

Yup, 100 degrees in the LBK

My fav place to eat there

Texas Tech School of Law

She's 16? What?

Duh, of course there was twirling...

What my dogs were doing... Thank you Catie & Frank for watching them

E & Me at the wedding #blessed

Yes, this man endured 8.5 hours of driving,  a wedding, Lubbock, and meeting a gazillion people who have known me since I was 3.

We missed you mom!