Sunday Kind of Love

I'm sitting here Sunday preparing for the week, ya know... laundry, cleaning, meal prep, dog walking, yard work.... all the sexy things. As I was reflecting on my weekend and watching numerous reruns of Devious Maids (lord I am addicted to it) I got to thinking about how for the first time in a very long time I am happy. I was trying to think about something for me to complain about and nothing came. Sure work has been super busy and stressful, but that's life and sure I am driving in overspeed towards my 31st birthday, but I am ok with it and sure I am unmarried with a mortgage and two dogs, but it makes me happy.

This is my life lately. I.AM.HAPPY!!!!

I began a 10-week program through my church this weekend called Redemption Groups. Its described as the rest stop along the highway of living out the gospel. A Redemption Group is an intense small group that digs deep into difficult and seldom-discussed areas of life, such as abuse, addiction, and trials of all sorts. The participants are in the midst of all sorts of struggles and sin from addictions, eating disorders, abuse, marital struggle, pride, and self-righteousness. I laugh at the term rest stop as I don't feel restful, but I get it.

The weekend starts with each of us telling our "story." Imagine a room full of people you don't know baring it all--the good, the bad, the ugly and the shameful. All.Out.There.

Its emotional and exhausting and emotionally exhausting, but I am excited. I am excited to see how the Lord works in my life the next 10 weeks. I am eager to see what He shows me and tells me and hoping He will further open my heart to him.

I have been extremely loved as I begin this process. My city group and church family have poured love in my heart and have been so supportive. I have also found support in the people I hold close.

Its what got me thinking about love and good ole Etta James popped into my head. We all want it. That Sunday Kind of Love. We search for it, hope for it and many even Pray for it.

For some of us we have thought about it since we were little girls, playing wedding or coupling up at school. We put posters of boys on our walls and draw hearts and flowers and pretend writing their last name with our first... (ok so I may still do this...) But the thing is, we want it, crave it, need it to feel complete. Love that is true, genuine and lasts through Sunday. Real, honesty unconditional Love. Christ's love.

I have found that love. Its wonderful. It wraps me in its arms at night, kisses me good morning, holds my hand and fulfills me. Its real and raw. It knows all my secrets, fears and insecurities and continues to love me. Its a love like no other because it asks nothing in return. Its my Sunday Kind of Love.

Blogtember: One Moment in Time

Tuesday, September 10: Describe a distinct moment when your life took a turn.

 

 

 

Wow, one moment? one distinct moment in which my life took a turn... I could describe a thousand moments from choosing TCU, coming home from London instead of staying, leaving my job in Austin for TCU, choosing Tech for law school and my marriage, the Big D... but the one moment that has taken my life on a totally uncharted path all started with a message to K on gchat about church.

 

A couple weeks later I had lunch with her and shared what was going on in my life with her and that Sunday I met her and her hubs at The Paradox. Looking back I had no idea how much my life would change or how God was literally pushing me forward towards this. I can't even remember why I asked K about it, I just was compelled to do so.

 

My faith had always been important to me, but I admit I strayed from it after law school and during my marriage. It was hard because M was not religious at all, nor raised that way, so it was often easier to just become a holiday Catholic. Yes, I prayed and had my quiet devotional time with God, but it wasn't the same as having that constant Christian family surrounding  me. Little by little, I just gave up on trying to get M to come with me and I quiet going altogether.

 

So, back to my story... I showed up at The Paradox with full warning from K about how things would be and how it would be different than what I was used to. I admit at first it was strange. The music was different, the people were different, the message was different, heck I was wearing jeans. I looked around and just felt home. I was amazed at the glory of God inside this small ballroom, filling people with joy. It wasn't the typical Mass scene where everyone went through the motions and couldn't wait for communion so they could sneak out.

 

The people were compelled by Christ, moved by His spirit and wanted to be there.

 

I joined K and B that Wednesday for City Group and I was just hooked. I felt most at peace when I was surrounded by the people here. Sure, I was scared and often didn't say much when we sat down to discuss that week's sermon or subject matter, but I felt safe. Each week I felt more and more called to open my eyes, ears and mostly heart to the truth spoken and the message  put forth. Some days I think it was just comforting that no one there "knew" my struggles, they just knew me. The more they got to know me and my story, the more they loved me and cared for me and truly became my family.

 

I know my turning to Him during my divorce was shocking to some people. I know I had experienced some pushback and worry from people very close to me. I know they just worried about me and mostly hoped I wasn't being swept up into some sort of cult. Cult... I looked up the word cult:

 

5

a : great devotion to a person, idea, object, movement, or work (as a film or book); especially : such devotion regarded as a literary or intellectual fad

 

b : the object of such devotion

 c : a usually small group of people characterized by such devotion

 

Well, if my devotion to Christ and His beliefs are bad, then I guess I'm going to hell heaven.

 

My point, that moment, the one where I decided that my life could go one of two ways and I choose the road less travelled, the harder course so to speak, it changed my life. It set me on a path of finding myself and learning that in this dirty place we call the world, cleanliness is provided, grace is given, and a fresh start is only a prayer away.

 

It hasn't always been easy. There have been times of trial and tribulation, doubt, anger, even resentment, but then I can look back and see why. Why He put me there or placed a person in my life or sent me through a time of struggle and suffering.

 

So, now 7 months later, my life is so different and not just the obvious. I can breathe without nausea, drive home without having a panic attack, let my shoulders relax; I love myself and my life; and I have been blessed with a second change at life. I am now surrounded by a family of believers (who showed up in masse Sunday at the housewarming), my friends who are truly my friends, my family and colleagues who have been supportive and a person who loves me for me. To say I am blessed is an understatement really. For the first time in a very long time I am truly happy.

 

So, thank you K for being that constant source of love, spiritual guidance and never-failing support. Thank you for bringing The Paradox into my life and more importantly for showing me that I am worthy of His love.

 

I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. Galatians 2:20 

 

 

 

 



Blogtember: Be Afraid

Today's prompt: Friday, September 6: A story about a time you were very afraid.  

Though there have been so many times I was very afraid, from childhood tragedy of a trial involving my father, to high school fears, and most recent fear of life after D, today I am going to share another story with another kind of fear.

 

It was a Wednesday night this past March. It started out like any other Wednesday City Group, we sat around and ate a delicious meal together and enjoyed the fellowship of others. This night, however, we split into two groups, men and women. We were ready to get real and be vulnerable with each other. So, the guys headed outside and the girls nestled around the dining room table and we began to talk.

 

Katie shared her fear of her grandmother's illness and about her not being at the wedding. She poured out and let us pour into her. Laura shared about her struggles with working in a place with non-believers and how she could share her faith. I sat there and listened. I had not said much at this point at all in group let alone shared anything on my heart. After someone shared, I looked across the table at Kate and it was as if she knew what I was thinking. She nodded at me and smiled. It was this smile like your mother gives, that reassures you that you can do this and all will be ok. I felt Him calling me to tell my story.

 

Every part of me trembled. What would these people think? How would they react to someone who was going through a divorce, who questioned God's love and grace, who had strayed so far from the church and was fighting to find her way back in His arms? Would they judge? Would they even understand? Our group at that time was so young--we were blessed with so many college women just starting their lives.

 

I was so afraid of what they would think, but more of what would happen next. As I began to tell my story, I could barely look up. I was afraid to meet my peers eyes. The tears flowed freely and that's when I realized they weren't just coming from my eyes, but everyone on the room. These women, who some had only met me that night wept for me. They wept for the hurt and pain, for the anger and resentment I harbored. They wept not out of pity, but with me.

 

The words came quickly, and seemed so natural. I poured out to them. I trusted. I can remember Taylor sitting next to me, her sweet soul and warm smile and hand on my back never letting go, never letting me feel alone. It was cathartic. I felt so free, but afraid.

 

When I finished my story I looked up and around at the faces around me. I opened my eyes and saw not disdain, or judgment, but love. These women, these hearts and souls so filled with His love stared back at me with love. Kate prayed for me. I wept more and this time not out of fear or anger, but because I had witnessed God's love and His grace.

 

His grace is powerful, yet so scare for lack of a better word. Its something we cannot understand because its not tangible. We cannot touch it, feel it, taste--not how we think of normal tangibility. But we touch, feel, and taste His grace everyday. Its the smile from a passing stranger, the embrace of loved ones, its found in the quiet moments in the car, the steady pace of my run, and in the start of each and every day when I get to start over.

 

The fear I experienced that night was unlike any other. It cut to my heart and changed me forever. Allowing His love and grace to enter my heart through the smiles and words of a family of believers was the most scary thing I have ever done.

 

 

See how great a love the Father has bestowed upon us, that we should be called children of God; and such we are. For this reason the world does not know us, because it did not know Him. 1 John 3:1 

 

The Scarlet Letter

Sinner. Divorcee. Harsh right? I mean it’s like being called some politically incorrect racial slur. But, it’s true. I live an inextricably intertwined web of sin. I judge at first sight, I think ill of others, I lie outwardly and by omission, I have strained familial relationships, and I am divorced. Brand me with a scarlet “D” and send me to hell.

I can remember thinking about this when I filed. What would others think? How would they look at me? Would they judge me? What would people say? How would my boss react? My friends? My biggest fear? Would anyone want me at 30 and divorced? Would I ever get married again, have a family, be normal?

I also thought about how I would be perceived by others in the Christian community, and probably more so. In fact, I sat in a small group for weeks without saying a word because I wanted so much to be accepted by these people. There I sat judging—judging people that today I call my family. I just “knew” they would think I didn’t try hard enough, or entered into it too lightly, or was taking the “easy” way out. Heck, I had been there, done that. I have sat in judgment staring at my Facebook feed when I have seen others divorce and thought; oh man what happened that was quick. (talk about pot calling the kettle black)

But honestly, I judged myself the worst. I created this image that I would no longer be good enough that somehow I was unworthy of love. Unworthy of anyone's love, not only His love, but unworthy of my own love. I mean, how was I supposed to live with myself? I was wrought with guilt. Was I doing the right thing? Did I try hard enough? Would I be ok? Wouldn’t life be easier if I just stayed in my comfort zone? (This is the biggest lie we tell ourselves).

I have distinct memories of when I felt the guilt and shame. Telling my small group was the first. I couldn’t even look at anyone in the eye. I didn’t feel worthy of them to even look at me. (Thank goodness for the caring, loving eyes of K staring back at me from across the table). I was shocked by the outpouring of love and support. These women who barely knew me, but loved me anyway. They loved me more than I loved and cared about myself.

I remember seeing a friend from college out and she asked me about me M and I wanted to lie, but just said it out loud. And proceeded to walk sprint to my car as fast as I could. I skipped a wedding held at the same church I was married in. I nearly threw up telling a guy I was divorced because I didn’t want him to write me off at first meeting. I saw a woman who was at my wedding and knew M growing up, she asked me how he was and I just said fine. People assumed when I moved back to Fort Worth, that “we” had moved back. I had concocted this this world where everyone was staring at me, shouting "sinner!"

What do all these things have in common? My guilt, my shame, my fear. I self-branded my chest with a scarlet D, I didn’t need anyone else to do it for me. I engaged in self-pity, depression and wallowing on my own accord. I was my own worst judge and jury; I found myself guilty before I even started.

 I have found the world to be a tad more understanding. My friends, well they love me still. Those true friends, they have stuck by me and loved having “me” back. I have been welcomed into a family of people who have walked with my on my spiritual journey. They have lifted, held, and even dragged me up on even my worst days. Men? Yup, there are those who do not see me as tainted (and if they do I don’t want them anyway).

If you had told me a year ago what my life would look like today, I would have laughed at you. But, what a glorious ride its been. I am learning to be whole again and not because of any person or thing, but because of me and my desire to move closer to Him to fill the gaps and voids. I have learned to let go of the guilt and shame. I have learned to open my heart to the endless possibilities that lay before me.

 I have removed my scarlet D and put on my golden L. I am Lynn—take me or leave me.

 

When

Ah yes, the proverbial "when." Its much like the proverbial "if," but this when has a new meaning. If you are (there it is again) anything like me (which most 30 year old woman are) you are constantly wondering what if, and when. As in, if I do this he will like me, or if I cut my hair like this, or if I only eat like that or if I workout more I could.... If.... if only.

Then you have when. When will I (insert any number of things women want)-- when will I

• get married
• have kids
• get the promotion
• lose weight
• buy a house
• like my body
• like my hair
• get all the things that I want out of life

When. If. Two small words that ruin run our lives. So, who says when and if have to reign supreme? They don't! Because "when" is powerful and gives you power.

When I--

• workout
• eat healthy
• see the beauty in myself
• chose not to listen to negative thoughts
• surround myself with Christian men and women
• chose to love myself
• refuse to engage in self-sabotage
• let myself be loved
• turn to His word to make me whole

I am complete.

When.... I have decided that when is not bad. When is the time at which things come and we all know good things come to those who wait. When you are still, confident, sure, patient, kind, loving, when you do all these things instead of wondering if, life is grand. When I live one day at a time, and trust  in myself, when is positive. Because when my time comes, its going to be magnificent.

This year has been trying to say the least. I have  experienced so much, but have grown leaps and bounds. I have hit the bottom and worked my way back up. Today I know I stronger and in a better place. I not only know myself, I know the Lord. Getting older sucks. Its sucks even more when we say if and when instead of being content knowing that when it happens it will be good. I don't know about y'all but song gets me through much of life. I have listened to this song since about my second year in law school. When I thin back to what it meant then I laugh. I thought I had life figured out. Now, I know life is about so much more. I get to choose. I get to be heard. I get to love and be loved. I am saved because He died for me. So, yes getting older is hard, and grey, but it just means I am one day closer to my "when."

Just Give In

Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion,  then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves,  not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. Philippians 2:1-4. 

 

Submitting. Wow, what a word. It conjures up ill-will and feminist uprising. It makes us feel weak and unequal. Its a powerful word that has developed such a negative connotation over the years. But what does it mean to submit?

Dictionaries define it as:

sub·mit  (sb-mt)

v. sub·mit·ted, sub·mit·ting, sub·mits

v.tr.

1. To yield or surrender (oneself) to the will or authority of another.

2. To subject to a condition or process.

3. To commit (something) to the consideration or judgment of another. See Synonyms at propose.

4. To offer as a proposition or contention: I submit that the terms are entirely unreasonable.

v.intr.

1. To give in to the authority, power, or desires of another. See Synonyms at yield.

2. To allow oneself to be subjected to something.

 

Its means giving in. Now, not in the sense that you have to roll over and have no sense or say about life, or no control over your heart and your actions. Its means to give in where things are out of your control or where the only answer is from Him.

 

I admit this is hard for me. I know the Bible speaks of wives submitting to your husbands and vice versa, but for this independent, strong-willed woman, submission is hard. It was hard in the context of my marriage and its still hard in my everyday life.

 

I didn't want to be "wrong" or "weak." I wanted M to see me for who I was, or who I saw myself as: lawyer, strong, needs no one to help her. I wanted to be equal, seen and heard. I fight tooth and nail to be heard. I caused upheaval where none needed to be sometimes. Submitting was just not something I wanted to do.

 

Now, I am not saying give in totally. That is not what the Bible says either. Women, wives, are not supposed to just roll over and be walked over. But its about submitting so that you can be the example of Christ in your marriage or relationship. Its about stopping when you ask these questions:

 

But I didn’t do anything wrong. But what if I know better than they do? But what if they’re wrong? But I was trying so hard. It’s just not fair. I have rights. I should at least be able to speak my mind. But I’ve been serving and giving and trying so hard. But I don’t deserve this.

 

This ever-asked "why me?" I found myself asking this last night. Why me? What did I do? Well, I struggle, I refuse, I don't submit.

 

I struggle to submit to people with more seniority than I; to my family and loved ones when they know better or more than I, but mostly I struggle to submit to the Lord. Letting go and giving in to His will and His plan for me. Understanding why He chooses me to endure certain trials and challenges. Why He has called me to this season in my life. I struggle to give in to his plan. I want to control and to know and see it before it unfolds. I know I make decisions that run counter to the plan designed for me as often things tumble and I find myself asking for forgiveness and grace to begin the journey again.

 

Submission is hard. Its scary and comes with fear and misunderstanding. Women get caught up in the word and connotation instead of jumping in, giving in, walking in His footsteps. I get anxious, scared, freaked out. I wrestle with how I can be a strong woman in the workplace and yet softer and gentler at home.

 

I know sometimes life would just be better if I just gave in. Is it possible to be both? Career woman and submissive creature of God?

Blog Every Day In May

Something you read online:
Other than Blogs... the one thing I read online is a wonderful women's devotional from She Reads Truth.
This is a site run by Christian women for women. They go through books of the Bible and each day have a daily devotional that leads you through that day's reading. You then are given a chance to comment, discuss and be apart of a community of women sharing the gospel and His word. This is the first thing I read in the morning and it prepares me for the day. I am focused and refreshed. I do not always comment and or engage in the discussion, but its my little piece of Him each day.

If I Only Knew

 

So, I was overwhelmed with the amount of love I received yesterday when I shared about why I started blogging and why I continued to. I also realized that so many of you were out there supporting me and were proud of me for sharing my heart with you over these past 5 months (yes only 5). I realized that some of you have realized what the giant elephant in the blog has been and some of you are kind of in the dark. I was amazed at how some of you thought I was perfect. This thought really got to me because in my City Group we really try to be real and vulnerable with each other and I realized sometimes I have not been open with you all. I mean, yes its a tad different form from my small church group, but I think using the "D" word here made it more real. Admitting that I had failed at something that was so important to me and something I wanted from the beginnings of womanhood is hard. Putting it out there that my plan somehow backfired makes me nervous. Admitting I am 30 and feel like I am back to square 1.... yeah freaked out like 500 2 times.

 

So, anywho.....back to this lovely link up only because it kind of goes along with what I had already planned to talk about today: "a piece of advice you have for others." I feel like I have so much to share at this point in my life, so here goes.... Lessons from Lynn.

 

1. You have to love yourself before you can truly love someone else
2. do not expect a man to make you happy, no one can make you happy except you and the Lord
3. don't sit around waiting for things to happen, go make them happen
4. speak up! yes, you, girl who think that if you say something to a man he will leave you, yeah well if he does he wasn't worth your time to begin with
5. don't change for anyone. when you see yourself begin to become someone you do not know, stop and think about why... evolving is ok, becoming someone you do not like, its not
6. recognize toxic people in your life and remove them. yeah you heard me.... its hard, but you will be better off surrounded by people who truly love you
7. seek answers, closure makes a world of difference
8. be open to change
9. seek a circle of people who love the Lord as much as they love you. When you are lifted up by people who seek to immolate Christ, you are automatically lifted up
10. trust your gut
11. the world does not end at 30
12. its ok to fail because its not really failing, its God teaching you something, redirecting your path, putting you back on course
13. Cry when you need to
14. slow down, do not get so caught up in life that you cannot enjoy it
15. Let go... let go of anger, pain, resentment, guilt, the burdens you carry that you need not
16. buy a puppy when you want one
17. let people in
18. trust that feeling you get when someone is put into your life and you just know
19. be open, honest and upfront with people you care about
20. forget "the rules"
21. Love, be loved, and give love.

But you, O Lord, are a shield around me; my glory, and the lifter of my head.
- Psalms 3:3

Listen

Its in those quiet moments that you can hear it. Sometimes it shouts at you and other times its so quiet of you breathe too hard you will miss it. It speaks to you, if you listen. When you find this inner voice, and I don't mean you know it exists and you  acknowledge it, but push it aside, I mean when you really listen to it, embrace it, live it, you are freed. When the voice inside your head and heart becomes the voice within your soul and it speaks melodious tones from your lips, you are You.

I was having a drink with a friend of mine last night, and as we talked and shared Christ's love with each other I heard it. It was faint. As our conversation progressed, we reminisced on how we met each other and how it was all apart of God's grand design. He knew before we did that someday the two of us would be sitting there having this conversation. He knew it would be this moment when I understood. He loves me. He suffered and died so that we did not have to. He grants us peace and forgiveness no matter what--His love is unconditional.

Which led me to love. Such a small word with so much meaning. Love, something we search for our entire lives. We do whatever we can to find it, and even more to keep it. We have this preconceived notion of what we think love is, what is looks like, acts like and feels like. We imagine it in places its is not found and force it when its not truly there. We lose ourselves in it. We lose ourselves to it.

So, later that evening when I was home alone and had time to reflect I heard it again. He was telling me its ok. Its ok to grieve, its ok to be scared and confused. Its ok to cry and be sad. See, He would heal all of these in me. I found so much clarity when I listened. I realized that when you truly give your life to Him you do not need to worry because he will provide. He will guide you, hold you, show you how to live. Its not easy and we each falter and stumble (believe me). He will always give you what and who you need in order to follow His plan for you. His plan. His grand design. Much like he gave me my sweet friend that summer, He is now giving me peace. He is showing me the love I have always craved and wanted. He is showing me what it means to be loved and shown true love. I did not have to chase it, force it, or will it--He gave it to me freely when I needed it the most.

So, what did I hear? I heard that I am a precious creature of God. I am strong beyond measure, and I have a voice, My voice and its powerful and can do great things. It should not be stifled or quieted, I should not be afraid of the words it speaks and others should Listen.

Come and hear, all you who fear God;
let me tell you what he has done for me.
I cried out to him with my mouth;
his praise was on my tongue.
If I had cherished sin in my heart,
the Lord would not have listened;
but God has surely listened
and has heard my prayer.
Praise be to God,
who has not rejected my prayer
or withheld his love from me!

~Psalm 66:16-20

 

And for those of you who need something a little more tangible:

Listen