Blog Every Day in May {Letting Go}

  Today's topic could not be more apropos: React to this Term: Letting Go  

Someone told me these exact words the other night. I was lying in bed in complete tears and I texted them, half angry, half lonely, a whole lot of overwhelmed and they said you need to do what you told me to do and that's let go.

 

It hit me right there of all that those little word encompass. Its putting your total faith in the Lord that He will provide, He will heal, He will grant you grace and peace. Letting go is choosing to move on and not dwell on past decisions. Letting go is forgiving yourself and more importantly forgiving others.

 

Letting go doesn't mean you have to forget. Its mean you choose to give it up to Him. Letting go is freedom. Freedom for your heart, your soul, your mind.

 

These past months I have wrestled with this term: letting go. I have pondered it and tried desperately to let go. I think the reason I struggled so much with this is because I was trying to "let go" of the wrong things. I need to let go of the guilt I carry. I need to let go of the disappointment of the dreams I had of my life at 30. I need to let go of the fear of life on my own. I need to let go of the perfectionism I harbor inside myself and know that I am imperfect, but perfect in His eyes. I need to let go of the pain I feel for all my decisions and choices in life and know that He will restore what the locusts have eaten. (Joel 2:25).

 

Letting go means allowing yourself to be made whole again; to be filled with His love and joy; to see the light at the end of the tunnel; to live in the now; and allow yourself to love and be loved again.

Blog Every Day In May

Something you read online:
Other than Blogs... the one thing I read online is a wonderful women's devotional from She Reads Truth.
This is a site run by Christian women for women. They go through books of the Bible and each day have a daily devotional that leads you through that day's reading. You then are given a chance to comment, discuss and be apart of a community of women sharing the gospel and His word. This is the first thing I read in the morning and it prepares me for the day. I am focused and refreshed. I do not always comment and or engage in the discussion, but its my little piece of Him each day.

Being Still

  Day 16, Thursday: Something difficult about your "lot in life" and how you're working to overcome it  

This one isn't hard for me. I have shared before my life with you all. The story of my father, he stay courtesy of the State of Texas, my struggles growing up in a single-parent home, "daddy" issues, coupled with my recent life changes in the marriage department.

 

I have long accepted my lot in life. I know that this is where God wants me. He has chosen me to accept the challenges presented me and work through them. He has made me His disciple, His mouthpiece, His example.

 

I have struggled, hard and often. I have doubted, been angry and turned away. I have questioned more than 1000 once "why?" I would not wish what I have been through on anyone other than to say it has provided me a strength that is unlike any other. My lot has fueled me to reach higher, push harder, strive to overcome. It has allowed me to see both sides of the coin and use that insight to reach out and help others.

 

I have been allowed to counsel others, walk with them, carry their burdens when they are too weak to do so. My lot has made me who I am today. This lot was chosen for me, destined, mine. I have always abided by the mantra that God does not put anything  before you that you cannot handle, so I must be pretty darn strong. But it is the truth. He always provides, always gives you want you need, not what you want, but what is needed to live out your lot.

 

Right now I am working to be still. We discussed this a lot lately in our group and sermons about being still and being comfortable in your season. I shared with my CG family what the last few months have been speaking to me. It has told me to be patient, be still. Its is in those quiet moments that I hear Him telling me that I am ok. I am doing what He wants. I hear Him calling to me. He speaks words that are often hard for me to hear. But it is what I need. When I am still I heard His words providing comfort, telling me to accept the things I cannot change. He has granted me courage to move forward; put people in my life to show me what love should look and feel like; surrounded me with a family of believer to lift me up and love me unconditionally; and  allowed me peace because He is carrying my sin.

 

I overcome my lot with prayer.

 

“Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!” Psalm 46:10

Finding Superman

"faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, and able to leap tall buildings in a single bound"

After yesterday's post I sat down and reread all your sweet comments. Thank you. Thank you for supporting me and letting me have this outlet. Thank you for allowing me to share a piece of me with you all each day. I strive to be real and raw. Its not always easy, but who said life was supposed to be. But the more I thought about  my past the more I thought about my future.
As women begin planning our weddings as little girls. We think about the dress, the cake, what it will be like to be a wife and a mom. We want the American dream. We want the perfect day where we get to be the princess and look beautiful. We want GI Joe, Ken, and Superman all rolled into one. We dream of this perfect man waiting there for us who will become our future husband. He is tall, dark, handsome, perfect job, falls in love with us instantaneously and does all the right things. He knows when we are upset, sad, picks out the perfect gift and always knows what to say to make us feel better. Yup... Superman. He is rough and aggressive, yet brave, kind-hearted with a strong sense of justice, morality and righteousness. He is the ideal. This is what women are taught is what we should find. Its not wonder men think women are crazy. We have been looking for this man who just does not exist. We want to form men into this perfect ideal. We fantasize and when we can't find this "man" we begin to think there is something wrong with us. Men aren't perfect, women aren't perfect, and no relationship, or marriage is perfect for that matter. So, as I enter this new stage of my life I sat down to think about my ideal, my Superman. He's not perfect. He comes with his own "baggage", his own past. He will have good days and bad days. He will disappoint me, frustrate me, leave the toilet seat up, forget to make the bed and be able to eat ice cream every day without gaining a pound. He is imperfect though.
But, he will be honest with me, open, vulnerable. He will seek Christ everyday. He will hold my hand and love me when I'm having a fat day. He'll never understand why I have those fat days though. He will accept me for who I am-- my past, my present and my future. He will understand that I am imperfect just like him. I come with baggage and wear my heart on my sleeve. He will see me when no one else does. He will make the effort. He wants to see me every chance he can. He says he's sorry. He respects me, my thoughts, and my drive. He sees the independent woman who is really a little girl at heart. He will walk hand in hand with me and lead me on the journey of life. Like Superman, he will appear when you least expect him, but need him the most. So, Ill wait patiently, not as a damsel in distress, but as a confidant woman waiting for Him.
10 Things That Make Me Happy
Flowers just because

1. City Group
2. Having a great group of Christian women in my life
3. Cookies
4. Chloe and Sophie
5. A good book
6. the beach
7. finding the answer to a complex research issue
8. the perfect  text message at the right moment
9. Knowing I get to live each day because of Him

May I have Your Attention

 

Today's Blog every day in May prompt: Issue a public apology.... Hmmmm, Just one, I only get 1? This could be good or bad, but here we go:

 

Dear M--

 

I'm sorry for so many things. I am sorry you hurt. I am sorry I hurt. I am sorry that things ended the way they did. I am sorry we didn't get to do things on our bucket lists and live out those hopes and dreams together. I apologize for all the times I yelled and screamed, for the times I expected you to know what was wrong and then got mad when you didn't. I am sorry for holding a grudge and for bringing past anger into our future. I am sorry for taking out my past on you. I apologize for not speaking up and telling you what I needed and wanted. I am sorry I let it get to this. I am sorry I became complacent. I am sorry that I failed to meet your needs at times and often forgot to ask about them. I am sorry for being scared... of you, of life, of letting go. I am sorry I didn't live up to my end of the bargain at times. I am sorry the way things ended. You will always hold a special place in my heart and I want nothing but the best for you, its all I ever wanted--to see you happy.

 

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. ~Ephesians 4:32

If I Only Knew

 

So, I was overwhelmed with the amount of love I received yesterday when I shared about why I started blogging and why I continued to. I also realized that so many of you were out there supporting me and were proud of me for sharing my heart with you over these past 5 months (yes only 5). I realized that some of you have realized what the giant elephant in the blog has been and some of you are kind of in the dark. I was amazed at how some of you thought I was perfect. This thought really got to me because in my City Group we really try to be real and vulnerable with each other and I realized sometimes I have not been open with you all. I mean, yes its a tad different form from my small church group, but I think using the "D" word here made it more real. Admitting that I had failed at something that was so important to me and something I wanted from the beginnings of womanhood is hard. Putting it out there that my plan somehow backfired makes me nervous. Admitting I am 30 and feel like I am back to square 1.... yeah freaked out like 500 2 times.

 

So, anywho.....back to this lovely link up only because it kind of goes along with what I had already planned to talk about today: "a piece of advice you have for others." I feel like I have so much to share at this point in my life, so here goes.... Lessons from Lynn.

 

1. You have to love yourself before you can truly love someone else
2. do not expect a man to make you happy, no one can make you happy except you and the Lord
3. don't sit around waiting for things to happen, go make them happen
4. speak up! yes, you, girl who think that if you say something to a man he will leave you, yeah well if he does he wasn't worth your time to begin with
5. don't change for anyone. when you see yourself begin to become someone you do not know, stop and think about why... evolving is ok, becoming someone you do not like, its not
6. recognize toxic people in your life and remove them. yeah you heard me.... its hard, but you will be better off surrounded by people who truly love you
7. seek answers, closure makes a world of difference
8. be open to change
9. seek a circle of people who love the Lord as much as they love you. When you are lifted up by people who seek to immolate Christ, you are automatically lifted up
10. trust your gut
11. the world does not end at 30
12. its ok to fail because its not really failing, its God teaching you something, redirecting your path, putting you back on course
13. Cry when you need to
14. slow down, do not get so caught up in life that you cannot enjoy it
15. Let go... let go of anger, pain, resentment, guilt, the burdens you carry that you need not
16. buy a puppy when you want one
17. let people in
18. trust that feeling you get when someone is put into your life and you just know
19. be open, honest and upfront with people you care about
20. forget "the rules"
21. Love, be loved, and give love.

But you, O Lord, are a shield around me; my glory, and the lifter of my head.
- Psalms 3:3

Uggh, Umm, Grrr {What Makes Me Uncomfortable}

I decided to join some of my other friends and a fellow Texan blogger today with her prompt for blog every day in May. Today's prompt: Things That Make Me Uncomfortable  

1. Confrontation - Of any kind. As in I do not like to confront people or have people mad at me. I cannot go to bed mad at people etc... I want to talk things out. That lingering tension in the air just makes me all squirmy and awkward.

 

2. Talking on the phone - Yes, you  heard me talking, what? me? lawyer? Yeah. Totally hate calling people from opposing counsel to making hair appointments. I would rather die than call a doctor and ask if they have availability. M used to do all that for me. From doctors, cars, random calling of stuff that I needed. Guess that means I have to either 1) suck it up or 2) con someone else into doing those things for me.

 

3. Not knowing things - as in what did I do wrong? was my research good? does he like me? why did he stop calling? what will I be doing in 1, 5, 10 years? I just want to know, I think its the perfectionist in me.

 

4. Silence - Yes, I cannot do it. I feel the need to fill every ounce of time when talking to someone. It tends to make me ramble on and on and on (don't stop believing... anyone?) I will go into the most random or awkwards to avoid lull in conversation, which normally ends in people thinking I am tre annoying. Oh well.

 

5. Saying no. - I hate telling people that I do not want to do something. Like when they invite you somewhere and you already have plans or what they want you to do I have no interest in. Just makes me odd to say umm well, err, I would rather not. I just hate hurting people's feelings so I either make up something or end up going and feeling even more uncomfortable. yeah I know... goes back to #1.

 

So, I know that I do not have things like feet, armpits, etc.. that make me odd, but hey that's what makes the world go 'round.