Trusting

As I read your comments on yesterday's post I felt loved. As I sat around the dinner table at my small group talking about sanctification and grace, I felt resolve. My church as been taking on sanctification the last couple of weeks as we prepare to study the book of Mark. This mini-series has rocked my heart, soul, and faith to the core.

It has caused me to stop and think about so much that has gone on in my life the past 6-8 months. See, I have experienced every emotion ten-fold, and wallowed in so much anger, fear, grief and depression, its amazing I can get up each day. I  have doubted, feared and been angry with Him, but mostly myself. I have resisted every "bone" thrown my way, because its wasn't in "my plan" or what I thought was best for me. I began to doubt even the D being good for me, I mean what if it was just me fearing that caused me to leave. Seriously people, my poor brain  has been in overdrive. My heart as been broken and healed more times than one should experience in a lifetime in a couple months. To say I was lost would be an understatement.

So, I digress... so as I sat and listened to both the sermon Sunday and then recounting it last night, I started to get it. I am saved. I am forgiven. I am healed. I am because I am His child and He died for me so that I could live. I  need not feel sorrow or guilt, or anger. I need not fear for He has a path laid for me. Sure, easy to say, harder to believe. Yes,  but He knows this. He also knows that I will falter, fail, stumble and resist. But, He will be there.

Its the why that gets me. Why do I fear? Why do I resist? Why do I engage in self-sabotage? I think because its easier. Its feels better. Change is hard, its uncomfortable, its uneasy and its unknown. Its much easier to stay in neutral, become complacent, comfortable, or monotonous. You feel in control this way. You know what each day will bring and how it will play out. I am guilty of this. Even through all the change I have experienced, I have struggled, I have resisted and tried to maintain as much normalcy as possible. I have also pushed away good things. Friends, turning to Jesus in times of crisis, family,  E. I have tried to tackle all my anger, fear and doubt alone. I have decided it would be easier at times to go back, or hide. I have asked why me? When does it stop? I have indulged in things that I think will make the pain go away, only to wake up with a huge headache, empty wallet or hollow heart.

I know this season of my life will come with some pain, but its good. Its Him at work, healing me, mending the brokenness, pointing on His path for me. And guess what? the less I resist the faster the pain shall pass. As our pastor said on Sunday and it stuck with me "be compelled by grace." He has shown me grace, thus I must show myself the same.

I am going to mess up, I am going to fail so to speak, but its ok. I am allowed to not know how to do all, be all, have it all and do it perfectly. And its ok to be 30 and start over. Its ok to allow myself to feel, to love, to fail, why Because He forgives, He loves, and I am saved.