I'm Alright

Has anyone else heard this Jo Dee Messina song? If not, well ya should because its quite wonderful. And so am I! Yup, I mean other than a broken hot water heater, mice dancing around my laundry room and walls during the night and the occasional muddy-footed pup terrorizing my home (and white bedspread, who thought that was smart?) I am doing pretty good.

This realization came in a text yesterday. I left work and pretty much sped to yoga. Yup, I decided there was some much needed hot yoga in my future. I got out of class and saw a text from my wonderful friend K. She asked how RG group went and honestly I had to say good. It got me thinking that I am doing pretty ok these days. Sure, I have my moments from time to time (i.e. last week when I called M in a mice-induced fright), and work is busy (which is a good thing), but all in all things are looking up.

Its amazing at what happens when you stop focusing on the negative and look towards the future. I am continually amazed at the grace and power of God and His ability to heel all wounds. I am also quite amazed at myself. I had a small come to Jesus meeting with myself and it kinda did the trick. I realized I has been so focused on all the bad in my life, past, present and future, that I was being obsessed with it. I was so caught up in worry I could not see the amazing things He has been doing in my life. I had been asking Him all the wrong questions and expecting all the wrong actions.

So this is my lesson learned. I know I have so slacked on the 31 Days of Lessons. But, oh well, no one is going to die if I don't post it, there are no repercussions and its OK to not be perfect. Let Him work in your life and good things will come, I promise.

In other news: I am uber stocked for the TCU/UT game this weekend and I have some exciting news to share with you all soon. OK so two exciting things...

Have a blessed Thursday!

There Are No Words

Well, there are words because I am typing them, but honestly I am a little remiss to write. Between the work day that had my crying one minute to laughing hysterically with my paralegal, I am exhausted. I have so many emotions bottled up and I would love to just blurt them all out and vent and share with you guys, but this is perhaps not the best forum for some of my emoting.

 

I can tell you, however, that the critter, yes that one, the one that has been haunting my life made its first official, as in I actually saw it, appearance last night. I was sitting there watching Grey's via DVR when I looked over, and saw I scurry up the door to my laundry room. Yup, you heard me climb right up the door.

 

I, needless to say, freaked. This thing has been terrorizing my life for over a month. I have paid some critter guy $539 to do nothing. My exterminator does not come til next week and I have been living with a rodent that eats my food and my dogs' food and generally keeps me up at night. So, what did I do? Burst into tears. Yup, just sat on the couch and cried. I am beyond disgusted, frustrated and just at my wit's end on this one.

 

I also managed to turn into a complete B about 3 minutes later as I stormed out of my house headed to Wally World to buy whatever I could find. Yup, I drove to the Wal-Mart across town that scares me to death and the air outside always has a scent of weed in it to buy stuff. I was frustrated.  And in that moment of frustration and utter exhaustion, I called M. I cried to him. (Hindsight, take his number out of my phone.) I panicked. I was mad and upset. I called another friend who calmed me down and walked me through the rodent killing options. I decided on one of everything.

 

I was reminded of the wonderfulness that is Wal-Mart at 11pm though at the checkout when I saw a lady screaming her debit card pin at her kid, another lady's showing full plumber's crack and then there was me. I had poison, glue traps and this thing you plug in that emits a high frequency sound and eggs. Yes I was out of eggs might as well grab some.

 

I returned home to plot my attack. I laid out the poison, plugged in the things and set the glue board. Only to hear it eating the 4 morsels of kibble the pups left in their bowls 5 minutes later. I got up, removed the dog bowls and set poison right there. (don't worry the girls were safely locked in my room so they could not ingest anything).

 

I have had it! If anyone can please tell me how to rid my house of this unwelcomed guest I would greatly appreciate it.

Day 18: I know I have not been good at keeping up with this but here we go. This past year has taught me that I want to be taken care of. I want to be held, told its ok, have things fixed for me, done for me, someone else to say don't worry Ill take care of it. I have been so independent my whole life and feel like I can't let anyone do better than me (its a control thing), but I need this. I need to come home and just be taken care of sometimes. Dinner on the table, bubble bath, wine, flowers, my favorite girly movie, anything. Obviously I know these things are not going to happen since I live alone and the dogs can't cook, but I want them, I need them and its OK. I do not have to constantly be strong, seem strong and take on the world.

My Crazy Thoughts

This may come as a surprise to you, or maybe it doesn't, but I tend to have the weirdest thoughts. Like all-out panic thoughts about things that require no worry at all.

1. Someone will attack me at night - yes I tend to wake up to ever noise (critter or not) thinking someone is invading my home. Its especially weird when my sound machine mysteriously turns off at night... total freak out

2. People are mad at me - I probably ask le guy and others if they are mad at me like a zillion times a day. Its like  I have an innate fear that I am constantly pissing people off.

3. Chloe hates me - Ever since I moved out of "our" house and took Chloe with me, I think she hates me. I also think she resents me bringing Sophie into the house. She just looks at me and is like, u.. when is dad coming home?

4. Not eating one cookie, one latte, one piece of candy will miraculously make me skinnier. Like if I can just thwart one thing, I will drop 5 pounds in a hot second. So, when I "need" that sweet, I feel like I am doomed and I just go overboard.

5. I constantly disappoint people - Like I walk around feeling like no matter what I have upset someone, disappointed someone, and I must perfect. Like this one drives me mad. Hello insecurity.


Maybe they are not weird to you, but to me, I feel crazy when I have these thoughts. Tack on the crazy episode I had last week with le guy about how my life took a turn for the crazy at 30 and now I am 31 and would like to get things back on track so here is my ideal timeline, crazy.

What random thoughts do you have?

and I know I have been bad on my 31 days posts... but here is today's episode of 31 Lessons.

Day 15: Only you know when you're ready. Ready for anything. Ready to move out, move on, tell people, go out, love again. People will give you advice, their timeline, tell you to do this or that or wait or you need to be doing x, y, z.... You know when its ok for you to do anything, listen to yourself and don't be afraid to follow that instinct.

Guess What Day it Is?

Yup, so its Hump Day... which  means its mid-week, that day in between Tuesday and Thursday where you just want it to be the weekend, yet you have so much to do before then... Yup, Wednesday. However, I am not dreading today. Nope, not at all... because life is good. Yup, good, ok, well better than good its great.

Seems crazy for me to say, er type that. For most of my life I have worried, fretted, had some sort of chip or grudge or problem to handle. But right now, life is good and I am happy.

I know that life is not perfect, nor exactly as I planned, but its life. I have a house to live in; a job to provide; I am surrounded by the most loving friends and family; my walk with Christ surprises and challenges me at every turn; and le guy, well he may be a keeper y'all. Sure, I have my moments: I worry, fret and overthink, but all-in-all I am blessed.

Day 9 of Lessons: Take time to count your blessings. I know I get so caught up in the stress and worry of life that I tend to forget how blessed I am. And then things like last night happened. I got home from RG and saw a car parked in front of my house and someone sitting there. I was a lil freaked out and then I saw her. There sat CT. She was just waiting for me to come home to check on me. My heart was filled with warmth and I could not help but smile. To have friends like this that support me and truly love me, is beyond fathomable sometimes. Count your blessings because life it too short to worry.

Worried to Death

Have you ever rolled your yes at someone when they say, "stop worrying yourself to death?" Yeah, I just raised my hand and denoted myself captain of the worry club. I can worry you under the table my friends, hands down, eyes closed.

 

However, this worry will be the death of me or rather lots of other things in my life. I worry about work and it tends to induce a stress ball of fun who ends up crying in her office. I worry I am not perfect enough, or Christian enough (which induced me literally running from group last Tuesday and crying in the hall, as in all out toddler-type years of frustration and exhaustion), and I worry I will end up alone and childless with 20 cats.

 

This worry reared it ugly head last night. I am returning to RG tonight and worry what the others will think of me after my tantrum of sorts. I am embarrassed and loathing their stairs. I know they love me and care about me, but its never easy to look at people in the eye when you feel shame yourself. I also managed to worry myself into an awkward conversation with le guy. (Yes P!inky I am quasi-stealing your name). So we sat on the couch watching a random assortment of TV shows and talking and I did it. I worried myself into a tizzy of awkward, hair-twirling, fidgeting hands death. My head was saying don't say it, don't go there you baby-crazy, garbage toting, ball of a mess of a woman who needs to just shut your pie-hole and let life take its course. (yeah cause that works so well with me). I felt like my mouth was moving, and I could not stop it. I just laid all my life's worry right out there (even the stuff that I feel like you just don't tell people, unless its your best friend who already knows you're crazy). I felt like I was that woman who sits on the first date and says "Hi, my name is Lynn and I would like to be married, have a kids and boat, a pony, a house with a pool... oh and I would like to know exactly when you be putting said imaginary ring on my finger and such because if that's not in your plan, eh let's say in the next year, I'll be moving on now." Yup, I totally pretty much did it. (ok, so it wasn't that bad, but man it felt like it).

As I laid in bed last night, I got to thinking about why I am this way. I hate unexpected, unplanned, chaotic life. I have been there, done that, have multiple postcards and emotional scars. I want to know. Yup, know. I would rather you tell me hey, not gong to happen then drag me along. Its like the guy I went on multiple dates with who suddenly stopped calling and returning my texts. Hey dude, that's fine if you don't want to see me, but just let a girl know why. (random I totally saw this guy at the tailgate I was at two weeks ago and it was totes awkward/funny all at the same time).

 

I just don't know how much more uncertainty I can handle. Its like if someone would just show me my life timeline I would be ok. Just let me know its going to happen. Like, not even hard dates, but just a general, here is what will happen in the next year of your life. I know I have to be patient and wait and see and have faith, but man, I have experienced so much turmoil I just want to know there is a light at the end of my tunnel of life.

 

Poor le guy.... he had no clue what he was in for by agreeing to hang out with me last night.

 

 

Which leads me to my 31 days of Lessons: Don't be afraid to know what you want. This time around, at least I know what I want and I am somewhat not afraid to let potential suitors know (for better or worse). I'm resigned to the fact that I will be 31 on Sunday and I am not getting any younger. I'm not going to waste time chasing that which will never be in line with my wants/needs.  It's ok to want to be a wife and mom (yup I just said that).

 

 

I'll Fly Away

So, what happens when you have been working way too much and decide you need a getaway? Well, if you're me, you fly to Georgia, and drive to the wilderness for a weekend away... oh and you plan a wonderful blate!

This is also my lesson #7: take time for yourself, plan a trip, get away, do something you don't normally do, like... plane a trip to the middle of nowhere Georgia and see friends!

So, Thursday afternoon I boarded a plane for Atlanta. Just as I was about to take off my best friend from elementary school saw my check-in at the airport for Atlanta and she was like umm I live 20 minutes from there... I was like umm whoa... so I texted when I landed and low and behold, 30 minutes later I was in her house seeing for the first time since we were 14.

Kristin and I were in the 1st and 2nd grade together. She moved to Florida in the middle of 2nd grade and the saga of the letters began. We wrote letters to each other over the course of the next 7 years. Like handwritten, Lisa Frank stationary letters. We had a rule: once you got a letter you had 2 weeks to send another one. We wrote and wrote and wrote. We sent gifts talked on the phone occasionally, and then Christmas of the 9th grade I went to visit her in Florida. We lost touch a little in college and such, but Facebook helped! We reconnected and so there I sat talking to her and seeing her little ones. It was marvelous! What a way to start my trip.

Gorgeous woman inside and out!

I then headed on to my hotel. I was staying at the Lodge & Spa at Callaway Gardens in Pine Mountain, GA. Everyone should go. Its so peaceful and relaxing.

Friday morning I woke up and headed in McDonough to meet miss Jessica who blogs at The Newly. I have been awaiting this! Jessica and I have been "friends" for a couple years now and I just love following her and have enjoyed watching her grow in her marriage and now as a mother.We have just connected. So when that blonde-haired beauty walked in her with baby boy Caleb. We gabbed for hours! It was like we were old friends just chatting over pizza! It was hard to see her go, but it was wonderful. I cannot wait til next time and perhaps if her B gets into the program in Texas... we may just be seeing more of each other!

Saturday I hit up the gardens for a lil hiking and sightseeing before hitting up the spa. Callaway Gardens is miles and miles and acres of gorgeous flora and fauna.  I'll let the pictures do the talking.

gorgeous chapel in the middle of the gardens... future wedding site?

birds of prey show

SEC topiaries

frogs who hung out outside my room

The gardens were peaceful and gorgeous and just what I needed to relax and connect with nature. I then high-tailed it to the spa for a message and some steam.

Sunday I dreaded going home, but I went into Atlanta and hit up the World of Coca-Cola.

And how did my wonderful weekend end? I came home to wonderful fall pumpkins to adorn my porch from my sweet friend and neighbor CT!! It was just what I needed! I got to see two wonderful friends and just could not be more relaxed and refreshed. How was your weekend?

31 Days Update

So, when I left on a jet plane, I forgot about my 31 days... so here are lessons 4,5, & 6...

Day 4: Buying a House is Hard

So, as most of you know I purchased a house and closed in July. Note, yeah it seems like fun, until they ask you to turn over your entire life and pocketbook. Seriously, I love my house, but sometimes I think if I had to do it all over, I would just rent.

Day 5: Asking for Help

Yes, I am a self-professed, independent woman, and one of the toughest lessons learned this year has been to as for help. And then to take it. I cannot do it all, no one can and people want to help you, and not because they expect things in return, but simply because they care.

Day 6: Happiness is made

Sometimes you to make your own happiness. As in, create it, put yourself in situations that bring that smile to your face. Be around happy people, do happy things, and let yourself be happy even when you think you shouldn't. I spent a lot of February and March thinking I should be weeping constantly and not go out and let myself live. I wasted some good months of my life wallowing instead of letting myself experience some happy moments. Happiness doesn't grow on trees, go out and find what makes you smile.

All In a Day's Work

 

I have a treat for you. Since I spend so much time here, I thought I would give you all a little glimpse inside my office. Yup, that lawyerly lair where all the magic crap stress work happens! So, without further ado I give you me and my office:

 

 

Hope you enjoyed!

Day 2: I learned that its ok to look out for yourself. I spend so much time trying to please others and make them happy that I often overlook myself. This past year taught me that sometimes you have to stop and take a personal self-inventory. If you aren't ok, you can't make anyone else that way either

Life Ain't Easy: 31 Days of Lessons

Today is hard for me. For the first time in 7 years I will not celebrate M's birthday with him. I can recall every birthday from his 26th to today, his 33rd. I remember every card, every present, cupcake and brownie with ice cream.

It reminds me how different my life is from one year ago today, or how different it will be in 12 days when I celebrate my birthday. Yes, this year will be different. Holiday traditions will change and I will be reminded in January that my marriage ended. I admit I texted him this morning just to say hello. It seemed so cruel not to, but at the same time, a reminder of what has transpired in the past year.

So, in light of this past year of change I have decided to participate in 31 Days with Nester.

The point? 31 days of writing about something that you want to write about. I thought about this a lot... 31 days to share with you all something about me. I thought about my faith, my daily laughs, food, working out, etc... but instead I decided I would share with you 31 things I have learned over the past year. The good, the bad, the funny, the hard, here is 31 Days of Lessons.

Day 1: It's Ok to Cry

I have always cried.  I have cried when I am happy, sad, upset, frustrated, etc.. you get the point. But I have learned its ok to cry with others. Let them see your pain. I am not good at letting people see me hurt or not "perfect." I had to learn that crying helps you let go of the pain and hurt.