Who Uses that Word {It's ok Thursday}

So we are taking a minute out of this normally-scheduled It's Ok Thursday to bring you breaking news.... I'm pretty sure I was called the infamous C word for the first time yesterday. OK so I know I was called, it, but pretty sure it was the first time. Yes, you heard me right the C word. I will not repeat it, but its the on you are thinking of... yes...

Appalled? Tell me about it. I mean had the situation warranted the use of such word, perhaps (not that any situation warrants that word) but still... I know, I know he said it out of anger and pain,  but come on.

Truth is the big D is hard. Its akin to death. I mean you literally have lost someone. Its the death of a relationship. Its hard. Its even worse when you have managed to be civil through the whole thing. I cried. Right there in my office, cried, door open, bawling on the phone.

The worst part? I let it affect the rest of my day and my work-product. (Note to self: Lynn should not practice law while mildly upset). I managed to perform a comedy or errors on some depo notices and had to call opposing counsel to ask him to politely just throw away that last fax... promise me just throw it away....

So, I decided that my c-word self would just skip group and get my stress relief run on... Yeah didn't help. What helps? My CG family. They know what I need, know how to comfort me and well they care. They do not judge, though I think C may have been mildly taken aback by my use of the C word. However, after a small cry and chit chat things were better. Its not easy, but I am not sure what I would do without them. So, we boiled some craw fish, ate some spicy food and had a glorious fellowship.

Silver lining you ask? A lil wine when I got home and Clark Kent to the rescue!

So, let's see what's ok with me this week....

It's OK....

to cry in your office after being called that word

to seek comfort in the Lord and the children he sends to lift us up

to pray through the hard times

to want to call M a zillion other choice things, but not (hello big girl pants)

to ask for help when you need it

to just want to be held all night

that I managed to eat dessert everyday last week and sometimes twice

to give in when you are scared

to fall

to be Me... everyday, all day.

If I Only Knew

 

So, I was overwhelmed with the amount of love I received yesterday when I shared about why I started blogging and why I continued to. I also realized that so many of you were out there supporting me and were proud of me for sharing my heart with you over these past 5 months (yes only 5). I realized that some of you have realized what the giant elephant in the blog has been and some of you are kind of in the dark. I was amazed at how some of you thought I was perfect. This thought really got to me because in my City Group we really try to be real and vulnerable with each other and I realized sometimes I have not been open with you all. I mean, yes its a tad different form from my small church group, but I think using the "D" word here made it more real. Admitting that I had failed at something that was so important to me and something I wanted from the beginnings of womanhood is hard. Putting it out there that my plan somehow backfired makes me nervous. Admitting I am 30 and feel like I am back to square 1.... yeah freaked out like 500 2 times.

 

So, anywho.....back to this lovely link up only because it kind of goes along with what I had already planned to talk about today: "a piece of advice you have for others." I feel like I have so much to share at this point in my life, so here goes.... Lessons from Lynn.

 

1. You have to love yourself before you can truly love someone else
2. do not expect a man to make you happy, no one can make you happy except you and the Lord
3. don't sit around waiting for things to happen, go make them happen
4. speak up! yes, you, girl who think that if you say something to a man he will leave you, yeah well if he does he wasn't worth your time to begin with
5. don't change for anyone. when you see yourself begin to become someone you do not know, stop and think about why... evolving is ok, becoming someone you do not like, its not
6. recognize toxic people in your life and remove them. yeah you heard me.... its hard, but you will be better off surrounded by people who truly love you
7. seek answers, closure makes a world of difference
8. be open to change
9. seek a circle of people who love the Lord as much as they love you. When you are lifted up by people who seek to immolate Christ, you are automatically lifted up
10. trust your gut
11. the world does not end at 30
12. its ok to fail because its not really failing, its God teaching you something, redirecting your path, putting you back on course
13. Cry when you need to
14. slow down, do not get so caught up in life that you cannot enjoy it
15. Let go... let go of anger, pain, resentment, guilt, the burdens you carry that you need not
16. buy a puppy when you want one
17. let people in
18. trust that feeling you get when someone is put into your life and you just know
19. be open, honest and upfront with people you care about
20. forget "the rules"
21. Love, be loved, and give love.

But you, O Lord, are a shield around me; my glory, and the lifter of my head.
- Psalms 3:3

Why I Share My Life

I thought I would actually do this one because as I look back over the last two years I blogging I realized how different the reason I started blogging is from why I blog now.

 

I began blogging shortly after I took the bar exam. I was 28, newly married, just bought our first house and about to start a new job. I thought I had something to contribute and wanted to share what it was like to be young, married, and a female associate in a law firm. I knew I was bound to have some funny stories and interesting insight. I also wanted to document what it was like to be a newlywed experiencing all that comes along with that. It was just my everyday life along with some humor in between about what it was like to basically start over at 28.

 

Whew... well 2 and 1/2 years later I am again starting over. I thought when I started blogging I had life all figured out. I was finally stable for once in my life and living the dream. I mean what else could I need or want at 28? I had great job, gorgeous house, loving husband, one sweet puppy girl... I mean come on I had my sh*t together....

 

I guess I appeared that way. I projected this confidant, haveitalltogether woman who had no fear, no regret, no guilt or shame. Clearly we have all seen that is the farthest thing from the truth. I too struggle with indecision, wanting to please, being wrong, body image... I wanted everyone to think I was perfect, that I had no secrets, no past, no regrets. I kept it all in.

 

Now, now I blog to share life with everyone to show that no matter what you have in life, we struggle. We all wrestle with where we are in life, what season we are in. We itch to move, change, make it better, but then rebuke when God calls us to make that change. We get comfortable, yet want more. I blog about my journey from the known to the unknown; my emotional roller coaster; my dating insecurities; and my journey with the Lord. I also blog about the mundane, the tough stuff, fashion, food, the goofy stuff I manage to do and sometimes serious discussion on issues and life. Its all a reflection of me. Someone said recently they felt they had to stop reading my blog because they felt the knew too much (might have been the biggest compliment ever).

 

This blog, this is me, this is my life my little corner of the interwebs that I love sharing with you. It has allowed me an outlet, its cathartic and I have met some amazing women and developed some wonderful friendships. So blog, blog the good, the bad, the ugly, but blog, and blog for you.

 

In other news, my lil peanut Sophie got her first bath this morning....

 

looks so pitiful

 

 

Riff Ram

This will only make sense to you if you went to TCU... but yes the words to our oldest and still most used cheer are Riff Ram.... its followed by an odd assortment of other silly words, but hey it was back in the like 1900's so who knows maybe those really were fightin words....

So, I went to an epic wedding this weekend. Yes, you heard me I went to a wedding. In the same church where, well ummm I said my vows. Ok I lie, I could not make myself muster of the courage to sit in beautiful Robert Carr Chapel all over again. I did, however, party my pants er dress, off that night. The reception was in our Champions Clubs in Amon G. Carter Stadium on the glorious campus I call home, TCU. See the evidence of such epicness, including "purple velvet" cake. Us Horned Frogs loves us some school pride.

Cake, sweet glorious cake

mmm paella

All cake, and yummy at that

perhaps the coolest part

 

Yup.... fun was had by all, including this party girl (ok so I left at 11pm and crawled into bed with the girls, cause let's face it I was tired.

 

 

Uggh, Umm, Grrr {What Makes Me Uncomfortable}

I decided to join some of my other friends and a fellow Texan blogger today with her prompt for blog every day in May. Today's prompt: Things That Make Me Uncomfortable  

1. Confrontation - Of any kind. As in I do not like to confront people or have people mad at me. I cannot go to bed mad at people etc... I want to talk things out. That lingering tension in the air just makes me all squirmy and awkward.

 

2. Talking on the phone - Yes, you  heard me talking, what? me? lawyer? Yeah. Totally hate calling people from opposing counsel to making hair appointments. I would rather die than call a doctor and ask if they have availability. M used to do all that for me. From doctors, cars, random calling of stuff that I needed. Guess that means I have to either 1) suck it up or 2) con someone else into doing those things for me.

 

3. Not knowing things - as in what did I do wrong? was my research good? does he like me? why did he stop calling? what will I be doing in 1, 5, 10 years? I just want to know, I think its the perfectionist in me.

 

4. Silence - Yes, I cannot do it. I feel the need to fill every ounce of time when talking to someone. It tends to make me ramble on and on and on (don't stop believing... anyone?) I will go into the most random or awkwards to avoid lull in conversation, which normally ends in people thinking I am tre annoying. Oh well.

 

5. Saying no. - I hate telling people that I do not want to do something. Like when they invite you somewhere and you already have plans or what they want you to do I have no interest in. Just makes me odd to say umm well, err, I would rather not. I just hate hurting people's feelings so I either make up something or end up going and feeling even more uncomfortable. yeah I know... goes back to #1.

 

So, I know that I do not have things like feet, armpits, etc.. that make me odd, but hey that's what makes the world go 'round.

It's Ok Thursday

  It's Thursday, so you know what that means... link up with Neely and Amber and tell us what's ok with you...   It's OK.....   to get mad when someone does not follow through to cry in your office when you realize the IRS is out to screw single people that I secretly stalk the guy that also works out at 5am in my apartment complex gym because I want to know what he does for a living that he is also up this early to just stay in to accept Starbuck's from a really cute, but almost complete stranger to sit in your living room and cry while your pups use you as a mommy-jungle gym to talk about your dogs like they are children (cause duh they are!) to use duh... a lot.... to not have it altogether, all the time, or ever for that matter that some of my pants are tight, cause I can get the weight off! to depend on others for accountability and to let them know when you need them to throw food away because its not good for your and stares you down at night to have breakfast for dinner to put off a project until the weekend and then find out is cancelled (yay glad I didn't waste my time Mr. Partner)   In other news, how cute is my lil bean? She did not like mommy doing doc review (or as my friend Ben called it "dog" review)

  OK, ya'll what's ok with you this week?

Creepin

Yes, I apparently when to a baseball game and ended up on a roller coaster... but if you look closely you might just see the best creepin of all time... And rest assure you better read creepin and say it in the Eric Church voice (and if you do not know who Eric Church is or the reference then I'm not sure we can be friends, or you live under a rock).

But I digress, what's new though... Hmm so in light of my recent life changes I have had a couple of freakouts... including yesterday's I hate the IRS one, which involved my paycheck shrinking to the tune of $300 a month. Yes, you heard me people, the IRS screws single people. Yes, I the single woman who must support herself now must do so with $600 less a month. Tell me how this makes any sense? Seriously? This sticker show was met with tears, anger, a few choice words, and then thinking through things calmly (yeah right, me calm?). I freaked out! How would I pay for the new car I just got? Well, a few tears, prayers and rational thinking (thank you friends and family) I managed to come to terms with this recent dollar development and rework my budget. So, goodbye yoga, massages and well anything fun (unless I want to move into a shack and drive a beat up Honda). I just vowed that God will provide and this forces me to just rethink what is truly necessary in my life right now. (Sorry Chloe and Sophie, no fancy haircuts for you!).

You would think that was enough... until you know Pandora's box opens and life just starts jumping up and kicking you in the patootie. if you have read my blog for any decent time you have inevitably read why I went to law school (parts 1 & 2) and know a lil history on my father and such and so on. Well, I have always been uber curious as to the real story and some things that I was just not privy to. Hello fabu friend who works in the DA's office and helped a girl out. (Pretty sure he may now be thinking oh Lord why did I agree to help this crazy girl?)

Needless to say, this has been a trying week for me. I am clinging to the faithful and encouraging words of my wonderful friends and family. One of my friends sent me a text last night after she went to a celebration at our church and it hit home with me. She told me how we often try to fix ourselves up for God so he will love us, but instead we need not do this. He makes us clean and saves us from sin without asking. It hit me. I have been trying so long to fix myself, to be more reverent, faithful to show Him (and others) I am worthy. I have been so focused on trying to be what I thought everyone wanted that I have forgotten how to be myself. Me, that person He created to serve a greater purpose. Me who was sent here to do great things. Yes I will suffer, but not in vain. Every challenge I face is not Him telling me to fix myself, but preparing me for something else.

So as hard as its been, I have been trying to let go and pray instead of scream, breathe instead of freaking out and seeking help when I know I need to be lifted up.

So, yes only I can go to a baseball game and end up on a roller coaster.