Listen

Its in those quiet moments that you can hear it. Sometimes it shouts at you and other times its so quiet of you breathe too hard you will miss it. It speaks to you, if you listen. When you find this inner voice, and I don't mean you know it exists and you  acknowledge it, but push it aside, I mean when you really listen to it, embrace it, live it, you are freed. When the voice inside your head and heart becomes the voice within your soul and it speaks melodious tones from your lips, you are You.

I was having a drink with a friend of mine last night, and as we talked and shared Christ's love with each other I heard it. It was faint. As our conversation progressed, we reminisced on how we met each other and how it was all apart of God's grand design. He knew before we did that someday the two of us would be sitting there having this conversation. He knew it would be this moment when I understood. He loves me. He suffered and died so that we did not have to. He grants us peace and forgiveness no matter what--His love is unconditional.

Which led me to love. Such a small word with so much meaning. Love, something we search for our entire lives. We do whatever we can to find it, and even more to keep it. We have this preconceived notion of what we think love is, what is looks like, acts like and feels like. We imagine it in places its is not found and force it when its not truly there. We lose ourselves in it. We lose ourselves to it.

So, later that evening when I was home alone and had time to reflect I heard it again. He was telling me its ok. Its ok to grieve, its ok to be scared and confused. Its ok to cry and be sad. See, He would heal all of these in me. I found so much clarity when I listened. I realized that when you truly give your life to Him you do not need to worry because he will provide. He will guide you, hold you, show you how to live. Its not easy and we each falter and stumble (believe me). He will always give you what and who you need in order to follow His plan for you. His plan. His grand design. Much like he gave me my sweet friend that summer, He is now giving me peace. He is showing me the love I have always craved and wanted. He is showing me what it means to be loved and shown true love. I did not have to chase it, force it, or will it--He gave it to me freely when I needed it the most.

So, what did I hear? I heard that I am a precious creature of God. I am strong beyond measure, and I have a voice, My voice and its powerful and can do great things. It should not be stifled or quieted, I should not be afraid of the words it speaks and others should Listen.

Come and hear, all you who fear God;
let me tell you what he has done for me.
I cried out to him with my mouth;
his praise was on my tongue.
If I had cherished sin in my heart,
the Lord would not have listened;
but God has surely listened
and has heard my prayer.
Praise be to God,
who has not rejected my prayer
or withheld his love from me!

~Psalm 66:16-20

 

And for those of you who need something a little more tangible:

Listen

Empty

I am exhausted. I spent all weekend on my feet helping with the Southwest Regional Baton Championships. I loved getting to see my twirling family and friends, but I am beat. I also woke up this morning feeling empty. I am sleep-deprived, mentally spent and emotionally empty.

The real emptiness does not come from the aftermath of a busy weekend, but more the lack of direction. I have done a lot of praying and self reflection as of late. I have asked Him for guidance and strength. He has put so many people in my life lately that have truly guided me, prayed for and with me and shown me what it means to be loved. But its still hard when you wake up and all you want to do is cry. When the pit of your stomach aches and you just have that constant almost well of tears in your throat. Its a constant stream of tears alone in your room or alone in your car. Depression is real.

It creeps into your life easily and can overcome and consume you. Its isolates you, makes you fearful and inward turning. It makes you afraid to ask for help and ashamed to say "I'm not ok." It chips away at your self esteem and makes you second-guess everything, as if you just gave in all the problems would be resolved.

So, I am living each day one at a time, and more often than not one moment at a time. I am struggling. I falter, fail and doubt. I have questioned Him and why I am experiencing all of this. I feel empty, broken and lost.

I could have lied to you all and said what a wonderful weekend I had, but then again why hold back right? Why sugar coat? I ended my Sunday crying myself to sleep. Afraid, scared and alone.  This week is going to be incredibly hard. Send some love and prayers. Send courage and strength.

Confessional Friday

TGIF, as in I needed this week to end! Link up with the Lovely Leslie and confess!

I confess... this week has been extremely tough. The current state of my life is in major flux and all things can come to a close Tuesday. Tuesday... Its been heavy on my heart, soul and mind. I have struggled and wrestled with finding closure. But darn it other things keep getting in the way.

I confess... I feel hard Tuesday after lunch in my hallway and I just thing I have not recovered since.

I confess... I spent gulp $355 on puppies at the vet.

I confess... I was one scared puppy mom yesterday. I came home for lunch (after not being able to keep anything down all morning) and found my sweet Chloe had swollen eyes and snout. Well, after 15 minutes it got worse so I called the vet and they said she was experiencing anaphylactic shock and give her benadryl and come on it. Benadryl? Yeah because I stock that... So I literally ran to the store grabbed some, came back shoved in down her throat and headed to the vet. They gave her injections and then observed her. I was sent home to wait. I tried to work a little, but at 430 my sweet girl was much better. Very tired, but alive! I confess, for a moment, I thought I was going to lose her and I do not know what I would have done.

I confess... I had something awful yesterday. I could not keep anything down... from either end (ew gross I know) Needless to say I now know it takes about 30 seconds to go from my desk to the bathroom in my office. I was dehydrated, exhausted and well felt like POO (no pun intended). But it was kind of a blessing as it caused me to go home at lunch and find my baby.

I confess... I have fallen asleep at work three times this week. Seriously y'all... my body is trying to tell me something. SLEEP!

I confess... Chili going down looks much better than coming up.

I confess... I have doubted lately and struggled with accepting His plan for my life. I have prayed and prayed and asked for forgiveness ands guidance, but its very hard sometimes.  I constantly must remember the serenity prayer.

I confess... I HATE document review. It might be the worst thing a lawyer has to do. Oh and a sweet friend of mine informed me that a law associate is the like the worst rated job for how much do you hate your job... yes we ranked higher than customer service rep! And to think we paid big buck for this torture!

I confess... ambien makes me have very vivid dreams which end in me frantically looking at my phone to ensure I have not done something awful.

Whew! That felt good! let it out everyone and have a beautiful weekend.

It's OK Thursday

  You know what to do... Link up, let it out, here is what's OK with me this week:   to let your puppy cry it out/scream it out, whatever, she will eventually go to sleep to leave work right at 5pm because you are literally falling asleep at your desk to scream a bad word when you spill your chair latte because you really needed it this morning that I get excited for City Group each week by what we are having for dinner (and Jesus, love me some Jesus) to have pizza for lunch when its with two amazing women to spend more on your dogs at the vet than you do on yourself to be vulnerable, God calls us to do to struggle and wrestle with things as long as you realize on He can give your answers to eat chocolate cereal for breakfast (everyday) to force your family to make a plan and stick to it and when they don't simply say sorry I can't to laugh so hard at yourself that water comes out of your nose to be the oldest one with the room to question    

Have you Ever?

Have you ever had one of those weeks, months, days, years where nothing seems to go as planned, and you find yourself spending $355 on dogs? (yikes I need to be a vet not a laywer)!

Seriously though, its as if I woke up one morning and life looked back at me from the other side of the bed and said "No soup for you!" So, what do you do? Cry uncontrollably on the floor of your kitchen Roll with the punches!

Start over, press rewind, take a mulligan in your life. Live in the moment, literally I am taking it moment by moment. Sometimes the moment is filled with angst, tears and fear, and others in fabulous self-exploration or with the Glory of God at work in my life.

We have become so complacent and tend to take any twist or turn as a sign of bad things to come instead of God sending a message that we have taken the road less travelled (and not the proverbial one). Its a chance to recourse and make changes for the better. Is it easy? Heck no! But anyone who told you life was easy flat-out lied to you honey! (Much in the same way our parents lie to us when they say we can be anything we want to, 'cause pretty sure I will never be a pro-soccer player or prima-ballerina or princess for that matter, Thanks mom....)

So, when you hear those words in your head, or feel that swell of overwhelming tears in your throat, don't fear. Let it out, but then use it as fuel. See it as the sign you have been given the chance to a new day.

Lately

I thought I would take time this Tuesday to let you all know what has been up with  me lately.

Most of you know that I moved to Fort Worth about 2 months ago and things are finally coming together. I still have boxes of books to put on the shelf that I just need to go pick up, but hey its progress! I finally have a couch, end tables, lamps, etc.. (Thank you Aunt K!) I still need to recover my dining chairs and paint them (just need to find some time). I have every intention of hanging up the pictures I have for my living room (seriously I do....)

If you missed yesterday's post, then I got a new pup. Sophie has been a blessing and curse all at the same time. I have never heard a small 3 pound being scream louder than this one! I put her in her crate to leave and its like I am literally killing her. So, last night I ventured to Petsmart and $132 later I have what is supposed to suppress her barks and a playpen of sorts to see if that works better than the crate. The bark suppressor though failed last night. She just barked right through what I assume is some high pitched noise it emits that only dogs can hear (though not my small one). Anyone have any experience with these? What can I do? Chloe just did not mind her crate and did not scream like this when she was a puppy. Meanwhile I took a slice out of my knuckle while putting together said puppy fence/playpen and am now sporting a neon green bandaid... Plus, I am tired because Sophie has a cold and was up all night. (Momma needs a nap).

This is also a busy week for me and all Texas twirlers. Our regional championships are this weekend in Ft. Worth. My teacher (V) is hosting it this year and needless to say, its been busy. I am in charge if the program and I will run tabulation. So, if you are in DFW this weekend and want to see some amazing twirler hit me up and Ill let you know where we are! We have 160+ girls competing, which is by far the most we have had in a long time. It makes me happy to think twirling is making a comeback! Twirling had such a tremendous impact on my life and I love sharing the sport and camaraderie with others.

This is also Miss Texas Spring Meeting weekend. I hate that I will miss this wonderful time to reconnect with pageant friends, but twirling trumps pageants. I know my girls will shine and have a wonderful weekend with their pageant sisters.

Lastly, I have been truly blessed with finally finding a church home, a wonderful weekly city group and Thursday I will begin "Fight Club" aka discipleship group. I will be in a small group with two other wonderful young women as we share our faith and walk together with Christ. I am excited to get to know these two young women better! God is just working miracles all around!

On the law front: Hmmmm..... I'm knee-deep in document review, have a brief to write, discovery to draft and well I'm just almost dead last in our office bracket (darn you Gonzaga and Indiana). However, I have the best co-workers ever who completed their office Biggest Loser challenge and wow you should see the results! So proud of the ladies and gentlemen who competed.

Up this month: Girls' Weekend In Granbury, Foam Fun Run, Carrie Underwood in ATX and My BFF K's birthday!!!! So that is what is up with my Lately!

It's April {Fools}

I would tell you all about my fabu Easter weekend, but instead I will show you incredibly cute pictures of the newest member of my family.

Meet Sophie Diane, the pugeranian (aka 1/2 pug 1/2 pomeranian)

 

 

This is my favorite. This is Chloe, She was all like what the heck did you bring into this house? She stared her down, said this is my house, my mommy and I will show you whose boss. And then proceeded to lick Sophie to death in pure puppy love.