Empty

I am exhausted. I spent all weekend on my feet helping with the Southwest Regional Baton Championships. I loved getting to see my twirling family and friends, but I am beat. I also woke up this morning feeling empty. I am sleep-deprived, mentally spent and emotionally empty.

The real emptiness does not come from the aftermath of a busy weekend, but more the lack of direction. I have done a lot of praying and self reflection as of late. I have asked Him for guidance and strength. He has put so many people in my life lately that have truly guided me, prayed for and with me and shown me what it means to be loved. But its still hard when you wake up and all you want to do is cry. When the pit of your stomach aches and you just have that constant almost well of tears in your throat. Its a constant stream of tears alone in your room or alone in your car. Depression is real.

It creeps into your life easily and can overcome and consume you. Its isolates you, makes you fearful and inward turning. It makes you afraid to ask for help and ashamed to say "I'm not ok." It chips away at your self esteem and makes you second-guess everything, as if you just gave in all the problems would be resolved.

So, I am living each day one at a time, and more often than not one moment at a time. I am struggling. I falter, fail and doubt. I have questioned Him and why I am experiencing all of this. I feel empty, broken and lost.

I could have lied to you all and said what a wonderful weekend I had, but then again why hold back right? Why sugar coat? I ended my Sunday crying myself to sleep. Afraid, scared and alone.  This week is going to be incredibly hard. Send some love and prayers. Send courage and strength.