What Was I Thinking?

 

Yeah, so 5 years ago I decided law school was a good idea... what was I thinking? I was thinking: good salary, career, I'm good at this stuff, I want to be a courtroom, respectable.... I mean I watched TV and Legally Blonde... I could sooo do this...

And then I went to law school and news flash ** they lie to you! School is nothing like the practice of law. There are no right answers, no perfect on-point cases, no one uses the bluebook, judges don't weigh and balance the law.... 99% of the time its a crapshoot.

 

Your clients will lie to you, bend the truth, play hide the ball; opposing counsel will talk to you like you're a child and in general just be an a$$; you will have days you never sit down and days you fall asleep from boredom; judges will have asinine rules that require you to jump through tiny little hoops; you will copy & paste more times than you care to count; every 6 minutes of your life are accounted for; and you wonder why you care what you look like since no one ever sees you (aka buy a very comfortable office chair).

You will be a partner's go-to one day and dropped the next. You will write your heart out only to have it edited down to nothing. You will do exactly what you are asked to do and still be wrong. Clients will know your cell phone number and home address. They will love you and hate you, they will want your advice on everything, they are co-dependent!

Your personal life will suffer. You have nothing to talk about anymore other than work, or how bad work is, or why you hate work. Your law friends will be your only commiserates. People will envy your cool job, little do they know they make more than you and work less and have a life.

But.... then there's that 1% of the time when you do something great and you think, its not all that bad. (don't worry the moment will pass and you too will be in the kitchen scarfing down cupcake and whiskey to dull the a$$-chewing you will get later).

Yeah, what was I thinking? TGIF, I'm headed to the bar!

You Gotta Have Faith

Did you sing the song? Come on, you know you did.... but truthfully, sometimes you just have to have faith. Faith, you know that intangible thing that we grasp onto much like hope. I know its a far-fetched concept. To put your all into something you cannot see, touch, feel. Its easy to dismiss it as hogwash or brainwashing, but I have seen the power of faith and prayer work around me and in my own life.

I have watched as God has put people in my life that have been what I call angels. Some people will become permanent fixtures others just passing flashes. Each person, encounter, smile, spoken word impacts my life. I admit I doubt, and often. I get angry and upset when things do not go as planned and I question His plan. I know it seems like just when things are good and you finally have your feet planted under you, BAM, the bottom drops.

 

But its funny, just when you think you are at the end of your rope (or the sh!t has hit the fan), light enters your life. The sky opens (you know the proverbial one) and clarity washes over your like rays of sun. I'm not saying this light is always easy or the light we want to see, but He constantly reveals himself to me when I let Him (and often even when I won't).

I have said this and blogged this before: I do not believe in coincidences or happenstance. Things happen for a reason, people come into our lives for a reason. Its faith at work. Take time to look around and see what glory and wonder He has placed in your life. Its often as small as the vendor who suddenly delivers cupcakes to your office after you have had a trying day (Yup thanks God for the cupcake, man He has a sense of humor); the embrace of a friend; a perfectly-timed text; even
running through the sprinklers at 6am with your pups...


You just gotta have faith.

Umm, errrr

Hi, my name is Lynn and I am a lawyer and I know I talk and argue and such for a living, but I'm the queen of awkward silence. I him and haw, pace, giggle and pretty much avoid eye contact like the plague. Its like I revert into some sort of adolescent idiot, the 13-year-old in my pokes her head out and says hey!

Yes, me, girl who twirled in front of thousands of people in a sparkling bathing suit (as coined by my sorority sisters), lady who walked across a stage in heels and a bikini during Miss Texas, woman who can walk up to strangers in a bar and know their whole story by 10 minutes cannot do awkward silence.

Perhaps this stems from my fear of rejection. Ya know I am also that same person who cannot call to make an appointment to save her life and would rather die than call opposing counsel... I mean what is my hair girl going to say no, no appointment for you! No...  but again, I go into a tizzy thinking of these things.

So, on behalf of those of you who have experienced this awkwardness or made copious phone calls and appointments for me, or simply smiled as I do the awkward dance thank you. Just remember inside that awkward girl is a wonderful woman who if scorned will sue you.... ( I kiiddd)

The Scarlet Letter

Sinner. Divorcee. Harsh right? I mean it’s like being called some politically incorrect racial slur. But, it’s true. I live an inextricably intertwined web of sin. I judge at first sight, I think ill of others, I lie outwardly and by omission, I have strained familial relationships, and I am divorced. Brand me with a scarlet “D” and send me to hell.

I can remember thinking about this when I filed. What would others think? How would they look at me? Would they judge me? What would people say? How would my boss react? My friends? My biggest fear? Would anyone want me at 30 and divorced? Would I ever get married again, have a family, be normal?

I also thought about how I would be perceived by others in the Christian community, and probably more so. In fact, I sat in a small group for weeks without saying a word because I wanted so much to be accepted by these people. There I sat judging—judging people that today I call my family. I just “knew” they would think I didn’t try hard enough, or entered into it too lightly, or was taking the “easy” way out. Heck, I had been there, done that. I have sat in judgment staring at my Facebook feed when I have seen others divorce and thought; oh man what happened that was quick. (talk about pot calling the kettle black)

But honestly, I judged myself the worst. I created this image that I would no longer be good enough that somehow I was unworthy of love. Unworthy of anyone's love, not only His love, but unworthy of my own love. I mean, how was I supposed to live with myself? I was wrought with guilt. Was I doing the right thing? Did I try hard enough? Would I be ok? Wouldn’t life be easier if I just stayed in my comfort zone? (This is the biggest lie we tell ourselves).

I have distinct memories of when I felt the guilt and shame. Telling my small group was the first. I couldn’t even look at anyone in the eye. I didn’t feel worthy of them to even look at me. (Thank goodness for the caring, loving eyes of K staring back at me from across the table). I was shocked by the outpouring of love and support. These women who barely knew me, but loved me anyway. They loved me more than I loved and cared about myself.

I remember seeing a friend from college out and she asked me about me M and I wanted to lie, but just said it out loud. And proceeded to walk sprint to my car as fast as I could. I skipped a wedding held at the same church I was married in. I nearly threw up telling a guy I was divorced because I didn’t want him to write me off at first meeting. I saw a woman who was at my wedding and knew M growing up, she asked me how he was and I just said fine. People assumed when I moved back to Fort Worth, that “we” had moved back. I had concocted this this world where everyone was staring at me, shouting "sinner!"

What do all these things have in common? My guilt, my shame, my fear. I self-branded my chest with a scarlet D, I didn’t need anyone else to do it for me. I engaged in self-pity, depression and wallowing on my own accord. I was my own worst judge and jury; I found myself guilty before I even started.

 I have found the world to be a tad more understanding. My friends, well they love me still. Those true friends, they have stuck by me and loved having “me” back. I have been welcomed into a family of people who have walked with my on my spiritual journey. They have lifted, held, and even dragged me up on even my worst days. Men? Yup, there are those who do not see me as tainted (and if they do I don’t want them anyway).

If you had told me a year ago what my life would look like today, I would have laughed at you. But, what a glorious ride its been. I am learning to be whole again and not because of any person or thing, but because of me and my desire to move closer to Him to fill the gaps and voids. I have learned to let go of the guilt and shame. I have learned to open my heart to the endless possibilities that lay before me.

 I have removed my scarlet D and put on my golden L. I am Lynn—take me or leave me.

 

I Bought My Dogs a House

I get that my dogs are pretty much my babies, but I mean do your kids take over everything? ( I ask this knowing they do from my mommy friends). But seriously, they do! They hogs the couch, take my pillows and entire side of the bed! Its like I bought a house for them! They look at me like, hey mom, so nice of you to buys us a yard we can run around in, sticks to bring inside to play with, and neighbor dogs to bark at all day long. Oh, and mom thank you for continuing to only use 1/16th of your queen bed so we can sleep on the other parts (sorry for any guy who would like to partake in my bed, you get about 1/82nd of space).



Ex. A. - last night this is them in bed



Ex. B - sophie sleeping pretty much right behind my head on the couch

But, I digress from my weekend wrap up! It went a little like this....

Friday - 4:30pm - nap, nap, nap, snuggle, nap; umm do we want to go out? well what should we do? well, its getting late now and I'm not sure I want to drive anywhere, ok well I'm still on my couch so night! Yeah, the amazing life of the 30 year old....

Saturday - 6am - Mom!!!! Get up we have to pee!!! Seriously? So, it went a little like this: dogs out, oh its Saturday my day to water.... set up sprinklers, turn them on, see  they are pretty much watering everything but the yard, move to sprinklers, get soaked; chase dogs back into the yard; watch sprinklers, decide eh the grass will get some water. What I learned? Your neighbors will stare at you at 7am while in your pj's watering your yard and by yard I mean, my car, neighbor's car, front porch and some patch of grass in the yard... 8am - workout and mile run. noon - Nails! They were bad people, bad... Even the lady looked my hands and asked if I had changed jobs to a landscaper (slightly true). 2:30 - much needed pool time. Friends, Gentleman Jack, beer pong (spectator sport for me) and some fun in the sun. 8pm - Dinner at one of my fav Fort Worth finds, Grace. Nothing like apps at the bar, wine and some espresso martinis!
And then what? oh yeah I was home about to zonk out at about 10pm when some sh*t hit the fan... Need not be discussed, but my early bed time turned into a 2am bed time and I was tired.

Sunday - Church! And it was epic. I am not sure I have been as moved as I was Sunday. We have been doing a mini series on Saved following Romans 8. This week, glorification and wow, it hit home. I am constantly amazed at how my pastor's sermons tend to hit home, but this was pretty life-changing for me (and Ive got more on this later this week, promise). So, after a good start I had a nice coffee date followed by some more... napping! Then the productivity happened. Dishes, laundry, workout... Yup, done and done. Oh did I also mention the visit from my ex-hubs? Oh I didn't? Yeah, so M showed up to visit Chloe/see the house. Amazing how that person knows how to push your buttons and take emotion to another level. The best part though? Chloe! She was in heaven. I didn't realize how much she missed him. She wagged, kissed, loved and was just on doggie cloud 9 to see her daddy. For that, the visit was worth it. But it left my poor baby girl, depressed.


didn't move for 2 hour post visit



But, ya know what? When you're tired, pooped and have settled in for an evening for Devious Maids and Drop Dead Diva? You should eat pizza and ice cream and that I did. Nothing like ending the weekend with a little splurge and great company.


Next weekend? Momma Rose turns 65! I do believe there will be cake! Happy Monday y'all.

5 on Friday

Yeah, I have jumped on the bandwagon of 5 on Friday today....

1. Summer Sales - Lord, seems like everyone is having a sale. Loft, Banana, Gap (yeah I know all three are owned by the same people) J. Crew... you name it, my stores are on sale. I know its their clear out the summer clothes for fall sale, but here in Texas, its summer til er October, so its like stocking up for summer part 2. Shorts, crops, tanks, cotton dresses... this girl is in heaven (my pocketbook is not) (yes I just said pocketbook like my cute grandmother in PA).

2. Circuit Workouts - I have been so into these lately. I just have not had the motivation to go to the gym, but I still want to workout. I have been trying all kinds of workouts posted on instagram, twitter, pinterest... I have mapped out the perfect 1/2 mile route in my neighborhood and it allows me to do sprints, run, etc.. in between the circuits. My body has been loving this mix up. Granted, I still have not been great on my diet (hello Thursday Mexican food) but oh well! There is always Monday to get back on the bandwagon. (I actually blame my secretary who brought me the most delish banana-oat muffin from central market yesterday and I swore I was not going to eat it, fail)

3. Resolve - Yeah I know I blogged about this yesterday,  but its amazing. Just realizing that life is what it is and you can't do much to change it has enlightened me. I am just enjoying each day and trying to channel my inner chi. Seriously though, the less I worry, the better I feel (not that I won't worry or have a typical OMG girlie moment where I send a disjointed text or my ever favorite "are you mad at me?" or some variation of the "I so hope I didn't screw that up and you now think I am a crazy person" text).

4. Fruit - Yup I know I had the tainted water/fruit thing, but I just love summer fruits. We has an amazing watermelon at group Wednesday and well it just makes me want to eat a whole one. Now, if I could just only eat fruit I would be good, but no I want to pair it with cheese, chocolate, PB.... you get my drift.

5. Home Décor - I will not say home ownership as it has not been kind to me or my pocketbook... (haha there I go again). I mean I am hemorrhaging money! Rugs, décor, furniture, a/c man, plumber, yard, trees, floor... seriously! And I have not even made my first mortgage payment! I need a husband roommate to share these expenses.... But I am loving making this home my own. No one else to please, make happy, suffice. Just me in all my girlie quickyness! I mean when else besides when your 15 can you put Audrey on your bedroom wall which is painted Tiffany blue? This girl!

Trusting

As I read your comments on yesterday's post I felt loved. As I sat around the dinner table at my small group talking about sanctification and grace, I felt resolve. My church as been taking on sanctification the last couple of weeks as we prepare to study the book of Mark. This mini-series has rocked my heart, soul, and faith to the core.

It has caused me to stop and think about so much that has gone on in my life the past 6-8 months. See, I have experienced every emotion ten-fold, and wallowed in so much anger, fear, grief and depression, its amazing I can get up each day. I  have doubted, feared and been angry with Him, but mostly myself. I have resisted every "bone" thrown my way, because its wasn't in "my plan" or what I thought was best for me. I began to doubt even the D being good for me, I mean what if it was just me fearing that caused me to leave. Seriously people, my poor brain  has been in overdrive. My heart as been broken and healed more times than one should experience in a lifetime in a couple months. To say I was lost would be an understatement.

So, I digress... so as I sat and listened to both the sermon Sunday and then recounting it last night, I started to get it. I am saved. I am forgiven. I am healed. I am because I am His child and He died for me so that I could live. I  need not feel sorrow or guilt, or anger. I need not fear for He has a path laid for me. Sure, easy to say, harder to believe. Yes,  but He knows this. He also knows that I will falter, fail, stumble and resist. But, He will be there.

Its the why that gets me. Why do I fear? Why do I resist? Why do I engage in self-sabotage? I think because its easier. Its feels better. Change is hard, its uncomfortable, its uneasy and its unknown. Its much easier to stay in neutral, become complacent, comfortable, or monotonous. You feel in control this way. You know what each day will bring and how it will play out. I am guilty of this. Even through all the change I have experienced, I have struggled, I have resisted and tried to maintain as much normalcy as possible. I have also pushed away good things. Friends, turning to Jesus in times of crisis, family,  E. I have tried to tackle all my anger, fear and doubt alone. I have decided it would be easier at times to go back, or hide. I have asked why me? When does it stop? I have indulged in things that I think will make the pain go away, only to wake up with a huge headache, empty wallet or hollow heart.

I know this season of my life will come with some pain, but its good. Its Him at work, healing me, mending the brokenness, pointing on His path for me. And guess what? the less I resist the faster the pain shall pass. As our pastor said on Sunday and it stuck with me "be compelled by grace." He has shown me grace, thus I must show myself the same.

I am going to mess up, I am going to fail so to speak, but its ok. I am allowed to not know how to do all, be all, have it all and do it perfectly. And its ok to be 30 and start over. Its ok to allow myself to feel, to love, to fail, why Because He forgives, He loves, and I am saved.