Time

Time. Its precious, limited and something we all want more of. We spend so much of our lives agonizing over when to do something, or do we have enough to time to do it. Its about the right time for this or that. We dwell over timing of marriage, jobs, buying a house, children, you name it, American worry about the timing of it all.
Reality is that there timing will never be right. We will never have enough time and we will waste previous moments. So have a little faith.

Big Scares & Big Decisions

Ever wonder how many hours one can sleep in one day and still be tired? Yeah, let's go with about 17. I believe I slept 17 hours yesterday. I just could not keep my eyes open. I was up long enough to eat and take the dogs out. I left work mid afternoon Friday on my way out of town for the weekend, when life decided I needed to stay put.

Couple trips of emptying my stomach later and long nap, I was staying here for the weekend. I also saw later that 35 South was closed in both directions past Waco, so my 3 hour trip to Austin would have lasted 6-7, so fate?

But this weekend gave me some time to think and reflect. Last week was interesting in my life. I was given some good news, some bad news, and some surprising news all in the course of a couple days. I found out some people incredibly close to me were going to be parents! I congratulated my brother on his new job & found out I was going to be an Aunt again! (seriously everyone is knocked up these days). I had a ghost of dating past eerily reappear and finally opened up about tons of things that had been going on in my head and heart. I basically reevaluated every aspect of my life.

In between unconscousness I did some sole searching. I prayed a lot, read the Gospel and read every journal entry I made in the last 4 years. I am amazed how much my life has changed and how much it has stayed the same. 4 years ago, I was clerking before my third year of law school and M and I were trying to get back together. I was lost and confused and most of all scared. I had this picture of what I wanted my life to be and I had this opportunity to make it work.

Today, I am still lost and scared. But in the last four years I have realized that its better to say what is on mind than hold it in. I have nothing to lose by revealing my heart other than the change to do it. I know that my thoughts and opinions, wants and needs matter. I am equipped to face whatever life hands me, though not always with grace and charm. I know that sometimes you only get one change to let people know what they mean to you. I am able to keep toxic people out and let those who truly care in. It does't mean I don't make stupid decisions or perhaps say a tad too much. I disappoint myself and still do not understand His plan for me. But I know, that everything happens for a reason. Every encounter, thought, decision and move we make it for some greater plan that we cannot see. So, I will live every day to fullest, have no regrets and make sure I speak the truth not only to other, but to myself. In the words of Shakespeare:

Choose Your Words

I was sitting in my office listening to the sermon from Sunday since I was still in South Carolina. We are studying 2 Timothy. I opened my Bible to this week's text and read it. I then read it aloud. Ever have one of those moments when He is speaking to you? I mean right to you. Right there I was humbled.

How many times have I used harsh words where they were not needed? When I rolled my eyes at someone simply because I disagreed with their actions. When I was impatient, or questioned simply to question. All the times I  spoke in anger, or let things bottle up and quarreled over someone meaningless. I am guilty of creating conflict where it was not needed; speaking ill instead of speaking truth; defending false idols when I should be repenting;  dismissing those who are unlike me; and talking the talk without walking it as well.

Words. They have the power to do great things, but also cause great sorrow. Powerful letters arranged in infinite combinations with endless meanings that carry so much weight.

Do your words match your heart? Are your words used to do great things or cause great sorrow? Do you engage in irreverent babble? Duh! We all do. Its impossible not to. We are designed to be sinners, to fail, to mess up, but we also have been given the power to see our ill ways and take those same words to do great things.

And its more than just the words. Its the tone, delivery, timing, timber of those spoken words. Its the font, capitalization, use of punctuation. The same words spoken with a different tone or at a different time can be taken another way. Use your words wisely, both written and verbal.

And bloggers, we have this amazing gift to use our written words to do great good as well or cause hurt and pain. What will you do with your words today?

Seeing is Believing

For most of us Easter means ham, eggs hunts, baskets, attending church on Sunday and indulging in too many cadbury eggs and peeps. I, in fact, love Easter. I admit, I love the giving of baskets, goodies, dying eggs, and putting on my Easter best. I love that is signifies the coming of spring, sun dresses, sandals and my cherished white Tory Burch purse. Its a time of newness, rebirth, and life.  This is clear through the green grass sprouting, blooms on the trees, and the life that April showers bring. This year I am especially excited for Easter because this year, I can see beyond the Hallmark holiday and into the greater gift not found in any perfectly embroidered basket.

I'd like to paint a picture for you.

Its warm, dusty, crowded. People are shoulder-to-shoulder. They are shouting with joy and its almost as if they are watching a parade. In a sense, this is a parade. Slowly, Jesus makes his way through the crowd, atop a donkey. He is exalted, esteemed, and given a king's welcome into the city. Cloaks are laid at his feet to form a path, and the crowd shouts "Hosana!" The same crowd that will just days later shout "crucify him!"

Could you do it? Would you do it? Ride atop a donkey knowing what is to come? Could you submit your whole being for your father? For all the world's people? Would you be obedient when every fiber in your body screams, no?

This scene painted so artfully in all four Gospels never ceases to amaze me. Its sends chills through my body and reminds me of His awesome love.

See, He knew we could not do it, would not do it. He mustered the courage, the obedience, the loyalty, the faith and walked into a crowd who shouted at Him "Hosana"--help us, save us. How fitting.

This picture is one of the love he had for us, the sacrifice he gave for us. He rode into the crowd knowing full-well what was to come, and never turned back.

What a display of faith. This is where I falter. I have for sometime looked backwards for what I could have done or should have done, and become frustrated when I am unable to control the forward momentum of my life, wanting so badly to know what will come. But I can neither change the past, or control the future. Just like Him. So this Easter season, I will walk by faith alone. I will trust in Him. Because, my heart will betray me, my friends will betray me, my family will betray, but like Him when the crowd betrayed Him, He saved.

We need not see to believe, only trust.

Eye Roll and OMG I'm that person

So last night our little city group had a get together with another group. We were uber excited and planned picnic theme. In other words, we had a ton of hot dogs we needed to unload and it was easy for a bring whatever the heck you can for dinner kind of theme. But, I digress.

So, not sure what happened to our lil group, but they were rather MIA, darn it when life gets in the way, but it was good for those of us who were there to branch out and meet new people. The other group brought a TON of people and... kids. Yes, kids.

No biggie, except our group, well all our kids are either of the four-legged variety, in-vitro or under the age 2. We are not used to mini-people running around. It was a tad overwhelming to some of us at first. They run, jump, squeal, etc... I'm all for kids, but when you're suddenly inundated with them all at once and in various stages of activity, it can be a tad disturbing.

Now, the pups seems to be in heaven. They jumped, ran, slid, bombarded just as the kids did. However, I suddenly became that person. I was appalled at myself. It was right there as I finally grabbed a  plate and began to go through the food line. See, we waited. We let the other group and kids go first. So, as I wandered over to the chicken, it was gone. Yup, gone. Nar a chicken tender in sight. And then it happened, I rolled my eyes and opened my mouth and said it. I blamed the kids. I was that person. That person who is not understanding of kids who grab more than they can actually eat and live off of chicken tenders. I gulped. Oh no! When did I become that person?

As I sat down to eat, I did it again! I saw them running in and out of the back doors and with feet on furniture and thought, someone tell them to stop! Gulp!

When I got home, I laid down in bed and had a talk with myself. It went like this: Self, when did we get so... old.... when did we get so grumpy.... when did we get so judgy? Self, we are awful!

It was in that moment that I realized that its so easy to become complacent in your chapter of life.Its so easy for our group the become overwhelmed because we don't experience it everyday. We are good with the baby thing, the dog thing, but the kid thing? Wow, we were humbled. These kids were not rude, they did not willingly cause malicious acts, they were just being kids. They were polite, they cleaned their plates and simply did not notice the door needed a lil extra umph to close it. I was so quick to judge.

But, its understandable. I am not around it everyday. And so I apologized for my actions and judgment and then realized it was also ok for me to and the others to be overwhelmed. We all had a lesson in life. Everyone learned that our church and the world is different for everyone. Someday I will have those kids and want others to understand, and those who have kids I am sure long for the days of being kidless every once in a while and envy my current life.

But, all-in-all it made me realize how easy I am to judge and complacent I have become in my stage of life. So, thank you God for showing me grace and teaching me a lesson. I am blessed to have my life, but even more blessed to see God at work in people of all ages and stages of life. And... I am so not ready for anything over the age of umm 2, right now! Good thing they don't come out at teenagers!

Dogs, babies & Jesus

If ever there was slogan for my life or that of my friends' lives, this would be it. Dogs,  babies and Jesus! This also easily describes that last year or so of my life.

DOGS:
Yes, one year ago today I brought this sweet baby home.

She turned Chloe and my life upside down, inside-out and every which way from Sunday. Sophie is the complete opposite of Chloe. She is wild, needy, whiny, throws tantrums, and wants your constant attention.

Chloe is sweet, loving, calm (for the most part), does her own thing, etc... you get the point. BUT.... They are inseparable. Chloe has loved having a built-in playmate and best friend. They run and jump and play and get into adventurous situations. They are my puppy-girls, and my first babies.

BABIES

My friends and co-workers are popping these things out like waffles from a toaster! From my bf lawyer at my office, to our paralegal, from two girls in my city group, including my incredible bestie K (who might be the cutest preggo ever!). Add in several sorority sisters, including my little, my first friend at TCU, who just had twins! Its the year of the baby!

JESUS

We laughed about this at city group, but its so true for me. I have spent the last year + finding myself again. I went from wife to single woman. I went from doubter to believer. I went from living in darkness to stepping into light and seeing and speaking truth. I have embarked upon the greatest journey of life, and its the most fulfilling of them all. I have found that life is messy, and dirty and dark. Humans hide in the darkness by pretending it doesn't exist or by justifying it. We are all guilty of this. I am guilty of this. But what this year and what I have learned is that He gave up His only son so that we could live in the light. He knows we will struggle, but His grace is infinite and loving. I have learned that we are not meant to do this journey alone. Life is meant to be lived in community with others who love us, disciple us, and lead us into the light. So, yes, this has been the year of Jesus.

Three words to sum it all up: Dogs.Babies.Jesus.

Family

I sat around a table tonight with some amazing people. We ate and laughed, caught up on your days and lives and prayed for those who were not with us. I know these people. I know what they do, where they live, how they make money, their hopes and dreams, fears and worries, even their weaknesses. See, sitting around this table is my family.

No, we are not related, nor married, nor sisters and brothers, we are a family united in Christ. We have chosen to adopt each other as brothers and sisters. We trust one another, confide in one another and speak truth to one another.

We are not a Bible study, small group, community group, we are a family. We choose to do life together, all of it. Not just the good, but fighting alongside one another through the bad as well. We have our ups and downs, our disagreements, our good and bad days, but we do it together.

I had not been around this table in a number of weeks. I had let work and life get in the way of my family. I let stress and exhaustion win out over being present for the people that have consistently cared for me. I withdrew in a time of need instead of drawing closer to those who comfort me. I have been wondering why I was so off as of late and the longer I sat there the more I realized I had been focusing too much on the wrong things.

I find joy in others. I thrive off the energy of people. I cannot do it alone.

Onward Ever Upward

Never failed that at the end of every email from the dean of my law school ended with that salutation. Every time I hear a variation of it, I think of Dean Huffman and smile. Its comes from a Hymn (which is so telling of both the Dean and this phrase). But I realized that this phrase, or whatever you want to call it has so much meaning.

Onward. Meaning, don't get stuck in place. This is hard for me. I like routine, I like monotony and knowing what will come each day. I also dwell. I look fondly at the past and think what if, or back when... I often found myself saying this year " I want my life back." What life? What is this grand, imaginary life that I dreamt up in my head? Were things awful, well sometimes, but were they wonderful? was I head over heels cannot live any other way? No. So WTF am I wanting back?

I mean even The Bible tells us to look forward, eyes above.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6

Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Isaiah 43:18

Onward. Its my mantra this year. Look forward, not backwards. Focus on what is to be and not could have been.

Ever Upward. Strive. Set goals. Persevere. Don's stop believing. Yes I get that sometimes our society focuses too much on achievement and success, but its not a bad thing to always keep looking to better ourselves. This does not have to mean a big promotion, more money, or setting our eyes on the prize so to speak, but setting our eyes on doing better and being better at being "us."  This comes in the form or self-improvement, whether its weight or health goals, improving our spiritual well-being, deepening our relationships with others and the Lord, and truly living life to the fullest.

Ever Upward. Its where my heart, ears, eyes and soul are reaching this year.

Psalm 121

I lift up my eyes to the hills.
    From where does my help come?
² My help comes from the Lord,
    who made heaven and earth.

³ He will not let your foot be moved;
    he who keeps you will not slumber.
⁴ Behold, he who keeps Israel
    will neither slumber nor sleep.

⁵ The Lord is your keeper;
    the Lord is your shade on your right hand.
⁶ The sun shall not strike you by day,
    nor the moon by night.

⁷ The Lord will keep you from all evil;
    he will keep your life.
⁸ The Lord will keep
    your going out and your coming in
    from this time forth and forevermore.

 

ONWARD. EVER UPWARD!

He Reminds Us

So yesterday I had a bad day. I had no hot water, well water for that matter, in my shower due to the frozen tundra called Texas. So I "showered" in my sink and sported a ponytail to work. I grudged through the day getting some discovery out the door and doing some research on a rather interesting topic,  but mostly I just wanted to go home, lay in bed and sleep.

I am dreading tomorrow. I know I shouldn't, but its still there looming in my head. And then I was reminded. Right there as I yelled at Chloe for digging another hole in the yard and almost escaping and finding hot water in the shower He reminded me He cares.

There was a small package in my mail from my sorority sister and former roommate. Its amazing what mail can do for you. I knew she asked me for my address but I figured it was for holiday cards or something. I turned over the envelope and it said open January 7th. I sooo wanted to tear it open right then, but I waited. Somehow, just seeing her name and knowing she was thinking of me reassured me that He loves me. I jumped in the hot shower, stood under the running water and cried. Yeah know, one of those cathartic let it all out cries. Amidst my stress, house problems and dog issues, He was reminding me that I am not alone.

I opened the package as I ate my breakfast this morning. I was overwhelmed with emotion as I saw Hil's handwriting and sweet words. Sure, I have watched her get married and her kids grow up before my eyes on facebook, but I haven't actually talked to her in years. We have exchanged "likes" and the occasional comment, but there she was, in between chasing two toddlers and pregnant with her third writing me a sweet note and sending me a lil package of joy.

I think I often get caught up on looking for the big signs in life. The milestones or dog-ears as our Pastor calls them. But right here, this note was my sign. It was a sign that I am loved, thought of and being lifted up daily even when I can't see it. So, thank you Hil. You do not know how much I needed that note. Tomorrow may not be what I wanted it to be 3 years ago, but I know I will not be alone. LITB.

I'm Alright

Has anyone else heard this Jo Dee Messina song? If not, well ya should because its quite wonderful. And so am I! Yup, I mean other than a broken hot water heater, mice dancing around my laundry room and walls during the night and the occasional muddy-footed pup terrorizing my home (and white bedspread, who thought that was smart?) I am doing pretty good.

This realization came in a text yesterday. I left work and pretty much sped to yoga. Yup, I decided there was some much needed hot yoga in my future. I got out of class and saw a text from my wonderful friend K. She asked how RG group went and honestly I had to say good. It got me thinking that I am doing pretty ok these days. Sure, I have my moments from time to time (i.e. last week when I called M in a mice-induced fright), and work is busy (which is a good thing), but all in all things are looking up.

Its amazing at what happens when you stop focusing on the negative and look towards the future. I am continually amazed at the grace and power of God and His ability to heel all wounds. I am also quite amazed at myself. I had a small come to Jesus meeting with myself and it kinda did the trick. I realized I has been so focused on all the bad in my life, past, present and future, that I was being obsessed with it. I was so caught up in worry I could not see the amazing things He has been doing in my life. I had been asking Him all the wrong questions and expecting all the wrong actions.

So this is my lesson learned. I know I have so slacked on the 31 Days of Lessons. But, oh well, no one is going to die if I don't post it, there are no repercussions and its OK to not be perfect. Let Him work in your life and good things will come, I promise.

In other news: I am uber stocked for the TCU/UT game this weekend and I have some exciting news to share with you all soon. OK so two exciting things...

Have a blessed Thursday!

If I could Turn Back Time

Yesterday in my brief post I posed a question to you all about what you would change in your life. A lot of you, well excuse my rudeness, totally copped out and said nothing... I say you all took the pageant patty approach and said the PC thing. One of you said you would have left your ex sooner... kudos to being honest.

I can look  back on my life and say wow, had I only or if that would have gone this way or that... its easy to say and I know where you all came from that said you would not change things because its led you to the here and now. I'm there, I get it. Although at times I still struggle, I know that my life today is better than it was a year ago. I am stronger, more confidant, have a renewed sense of purpose and meaning and my walk with the Lord is as strong as ever.

But, just for argument's sake, if I could turn back the clock to say, umm first year of college and wow how different life would be. I could have stayed with Robby my high school bf and the person I followed to TCU. I imagine how different my whole 4 years at TCU would have been. I probably would not have done orientation staff or travelled to London my senior year. I probably would have been married right out of college and not competed at Miss Texas.

This would totally change the course of my life. I would not have the same friends, my sister would not be my sister, I would not have ended up at law school, not married to M, not living back in Fort Worth in my house that still has the critter in it... and I would not have the amazing people in my life whom I have right now.

Even if I just go back 7 years ago to when I met M and changed that... or left him the million times I saw the signs or had I just not gotten  back with him in law school.... where would I be?

The truth is, our stories, our journeys are pre-charted, pre-destined... ordained so to speak. Each decision, turn at the fork in the road it designed to lead us to a certain place and time. This resonated so much with me after last night's Redemption Group. I thought about how many times I try to control things and life and force life into my little pigeon-hole of perfection and comfort, and how He constantly pushes back at me, overtly saying I am bigger, I am in control.

I am taken back to a speech my brother gave when we were in elementary school and he competed in the oratorical competition one year: These two words put together often to mean I could have, I should have, but I procrastinated and didn't: If Only.

if only... small words... so much in them. But today I have decided I will only live for today. I will be thankful for the blessings in my life, relish the glory that is each sunrise, each meal, each breathe, every smile and nod hello, every kiss upon my forehead or arm around my shoulders, even each task at work. See each of these moments it my chance to  live out His plan, for His glory. So I chose not to rewrite my story, but instead change my heart.

Entitled

I had every intention of blogging for Blogtember again today as I love a good creative writing prompt, but then life got in the way and work ate me for lunch and dinner and so I sat frustrated last night in city group. I arrived in a huff after a hellacious day, a horrible trip to the store and a half done breakfast pizza in hand. Flustered is an understatement.

I shleffed through conversation as we sat and ate and caught up on everyone's week. I laughed and giggled a little with our host's son, who just brings joy to a room, but I just was not right. I found myself jealous at the growing pregnant belly on one of the girls and knowing there was another one soon to be popping and just tried to smile. I was disgruntled with the smiles of the faces around me and just was not very inspired by the sermon last week, so all in all I just felt like it would have been better for me to sit at home and rest.

Urg....As we begin to talk about the sermon and delve into Mark, I felt myself come around a little. The topic: scandalous grace and one-way love. One-way love... this is so hard for me to give and receive.

It is hard for me to think that people just love me for me and except nothing in return. I often turn down things from people because I do not want to feel obligated to them or I constantly feel like I cannot say or do anything to upset them after because I "owe" them something.

On the flip side, I expect other people to love me or care for me a certain way. I excpect my mother to love me like a "mother" should. You know, you feel entitled to be cared for the way you think that should look like. We expect our spouses, friends, significant others to love us how we need to be loved. We feel entitled.

When Jenny said that I was dumbfounded. Entitled... Ouch, it stung in my soul. That was it. That was what got to me. I feel entitled. Not that I should be given certain things for praise for a job well done, but entitled to be loved a certain way.

I feel like my mother, brother, family should love me like a "family" should (you know conjure up the Walton's or the Brady Bunch). I feel like my friends should know when things are wrong and include me in things to show they care for me and love me. Even as I walked into my CG last night I felt entitled for them to see how frustrated and down I was and love me.

I listened more to what Jenny was saying and thought about it. Does Jesus expect me to do, act or be a certain way to earn His love and Grace? No... that is the whole meaning of scandalous grace. Its meant for those who are dirty, broken and seemingly unworthy of love, forgiveness--grace. Does Jesus feel entitled to my love? For me to love Him a certain way? Of course not. He gives me this love and grace and steadfast support no matter what I do or so in return. I can forsake Him any number of times and He is still there, every present and ready to continue to love me.

So why do I feel entitled? What about our society has made us so selfish that we feel that we are owed anything by anyone? Why is one-way love so hard for us? No one can love and care for anyone perfectly, except Him.

We cannot love our family, friends, spouses exactly how they need. Sure we can try and we accommodate that, its part of compromise and a healthy relationship, but its not the giving of this love we struggle with, its accepting it. Its saying this is the love this person has to give me, just as He provides and I need to accept it for what it is and be thankful I have it.

Shedding that sense of entitlement is no easy task and I don't think you can truly escape it. It creeps in so easily much like greed and envy.

As I got in the car last night and drove I began to cry. Part of it was pure exhaustion and stress and part of release of emotion. The tears fell and I prayed. I asked for forgiveness and thanked Him for continuing to love me perfectly--perfectly scandalous.

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast. Ephesians 2:8-9.

Blogtember: Be Afraid

Today's prompt: Friday, September 6: A story about a time you were very afraid.  

Though there have been so many times I was very afraid, from childhood tragedy of a trial involving my father, to high school fears, and most recent fear of life after D, today I am going to share another story with another kind of fear.

 

It was a Wednesday night this past March. It started out like any other Wednesday City Group, we sat around and ate a delicious meal together and enjoyed the fellowship of others. This night, however, we split into two groups, men and women. We were ready to get real and be vulnerable with each other. So, the guys headed outside and the girls nestled around the dining room table and we began to talk.

 

Katie shared her fear of her grandmother's illness and about her not being at the wedding. She poured out and let us pour into her. Laura shared about her struggles with working in a place with non-believers and how she could share her faith. I sat there and listened. I had not said much at this point at all in group let alone shared anything on my heart. After someone shared, I looked across the table at Kate and it was as if she knew what I was thinking. She nodded at me and smiled. It was this smile like your mother gives, that reassures you that you can do this and all will be ok. I felt Him calling me to tell my story.

 

Every part of me trembled. What would these people think? How would they react to someone who was going through a divorce, who questioned God's love and grace, who had strayed so far from the church and was fighting to find her way back in His arms? Would they judge? Would they even understand? Our group at that time was so young--we were blessed with so many college women just starting their lives.

 

I was so afraid of what they would think, but more of what would happen next. As I began to tell my story, I could barely look up. I was afraid to meet my peers eyes. The tears flowed freely and that's when I realized they weren't just coming from my eyes, but everyone on the room. These women, who some had only met me that night wept for me. They wept for the hurt and pain, for the anger and resentment I harbored. They wept not out of pity, but with me.

 

The words came quickly, and seemed so natural. I poured out to them. I trusted. I can remember Taylor sitting next to me, her sweet soul and warm smile and hand on my back never letting go, never letting me feel alone. It was cathartic. I felt so free, but afraid.

 

When I finished my story I looked up and around at the faces around me. I opened my eyes and saw not disdain, or judgment, but love. These women, these hearts and souls so filled with His love stared back at me with love. Kate prayed for me. I wept more and this time not out of fear or anger, but because I had witnessed God's love and His grace.

 

His grace is powerful, yet so scare for lack of a better word. Its something we cannot understand because its not tangible. We cannot touch it, feel it, taste--not how we think of normal tangibility. But we touch, feel, and taste His grace everyday. Its the smile from a passing stranger, the embrace of loved ones, its found in the quiet moments in the car, the steady pace of my run, and in the start of each and every day when I get to start over.

 

The fear I experienced that night was unlike any other. It cut to my heart and changed me forever. Allowing His love and grace to enter my heart through the smiles and words of a family of believers was the most scary thing I have ever done.

 

 

See how great a love the Father has bestowed upon us, that we should be called children of God; and such we are. For this reason the world does not know us, because it did not know Him. 1 John 3:1 

 

Blogtember: My rant on Trust

  Today's prompt: What is the best piece of advice you have been given.   Trust your instincts.  

It's amazing how you just know. You know when something isn't right, feels funny or off. You have that sixth sense that makes the hair on the back of your neck stand up or causes you double check the locks. Its an innate feeling that says trust this person and not that person. Your intuition tells you the better choice without you even asking it.

 

Doesn't mean I always listen to it. Man oh man, can I look back and say so many times if I had only trusted myself. Hindsight is 20/20 right? But, its true, your body naturally knows things. Its from experience, adaptation, survival so to speak. Your brain is this complex muscle that has great capacity and reasoning and memory. Its senses things we cannot that allows the brain to tell us what the right choice is. Amazing huh? Smart lil thing that lies between our ears....  It communicates through emotions, body sensation, (like a gut feeling), pictures in your mind, words, hunches, instincts and dreams.

 

But I often wonder why we don't listen to our instincts. What causes us to second-guess and doubt? Fear. Yup, a little four-letter word. Its not something we are born with, but its a learned thing. The older we get the more experiences we have to rely upon. But as we step out more into the world, meet more people – some disingenuous, others outright shady – we begin to realize that not everyone thinks and acts the same as us. Heck, I don't even act how I want to err 99% 75% of the time.

 

I used to be such a trusting person. I believed in the inherent goodness of most people, most of the time. But I’d like to think I’m also discerning. I didn't extend trust to everyone I met, and I sometimes met people who I wouldn’t trust as far as I could kick them. It’s often got nothing to do with their history. Rather an indefinable feeling I get about them.  But as time wore on, and my life experiences grew, I grew more and more distrusting. I stopped listening to my gut and just didn't trust anyone, and especially not myself. I had been conditioned to be leery and guarded.

 

Over the past few months I have tried to be more trusting, letting people in, allowing myself to be vulnerable, listening when He speaks. I have triumphed and failed all in the same sentence at times. Why? I have to trust myself listen to my intuition. What gets in the way of benefiting from our intuition with people and decisions is the fear of what will happen if we listen to it. Sometimes you have so much invested in the status quo its easier to avoid anything that threatens it, giving people the benefit of the doubt far too long.  I fear the reaction of others if I question their integrity – whether it be causing them offence or an outright confrontation (cause we all know how much I love confrontation). More often, we fear how our own life will be impacted if our suspicions are proven correct. Tuning in to your intuition takes courage because it requires that you risk losing something you want and facing a reality you don’t. Humiliation. Being alone. Ugly press. Others judgments. Social ostracism. Loss of face, friendship, and the identity we had of ourselves and whoever violated our trust.

 

You cannot live in fear. I have to trust that just because things didn't turn out how I wanted them to in the past, doesn't mean they won't in the future. That, simply because my marriage or other relationships failed doesn't mean all future relationships will too. Its not that I pick the wrong people, its just I don't listen when my instincts tell me who the right one is.

 

So, how do you solve it? Me, I have had to simply pause from my busy-ness, take a few deep slow breaths and observe what I am feeling about a particular person, situation or decision I need to make in work or life. I pray. I listen for that quiet murmur in my head or the queasiness in the pit of my stomach. Sometimes its just a subtle inkling or quiet sense of foreboding, or maybe something more distinct, ya know when every atom in your body screams at you to pay attention, change direction, or run straight for the nearest exit. About face, do not pass go, do not collect $100.

 

So I feel I have digressed, but the truth? Trust is the cornerstone of our relationships yet it exists on a spectrum. Living on either end of it – trusting blindly or refusing to trust anyone – exacts a profound price. Blind trust and distrust are equally expensive. While refusing to trust anyone because someone we once trusted betrayed it doesn’t serve us in the long run. Whichever end of the spectrum we gravitate toward, we must all be discerning about who we trust, what we trust them with and when we should withdraw it. All people deserve a chance to prove their trustworthiness; no-one should expect to keep it if their actions prove them lacking.

 

I need to learn to trust myself and trust others. I need to listen to my instincts. And I apologize for my rant on this subject. Perhaps someone is trying to tell me something.

 

When He Speaks

So I had a post all planned for today and I promise to share, but then He spoke. Right there in a facebook feed, spoke to me. yeah, I know hearing voices again... but seriously, it was one of those moments where you sit there and you read something and know its meant for you. Funny because the person who posted it said the same thing.

 

"The greatest gift you can give somebody is your own personal development. I used to say, "If you will take care of me, I will take care of you. "Now I say, I will take care of me for you, if you will take care of you for me.”

 

This is something I struggled with. I took care of everyone in my life. I made sure that everyone was ok and no one was mad, I kept the peace and hated confrontation. I spent so much time taking care of others I neglected myself.

 

I ignored my feelings, my thoughts, opinions and even my health. I let myself get run down, stressed out and overwhelmed. I kept it all in and never stopped and said hey I'm suffering here. I failed to take care of myself.

 

It wasn't until months post D that I understood this. How could I love anyone else, or take care of anyone else when I failed to love and take care of me? I sought long and hard to fill the gaps and voids in my life with everything but true love and it left a gaping God-shaped hole.

 

I remember the day I got it. I sat in a Sunday service that I didn't want to be in and listened. I was angry and upset with the world and God. I was mad at my friends for going behind my back, when really they were just loving me. I was mad at the season of my life. And then He spoke. The words coming from our pastor's mouth seemed tailor-made for me. I got it. I had to love me and let Him love me in only a way He can. I had to stop trying to fill the voids with material things and let Him take control. I had to learn to love me and take care of me first.

 

That day wasn't easy by any means of the word. I hurt someone I cared a lot about when I told them I had to do what was best for me which was to take care of me. I knew I couldn't be anyone's all until I was my all. That day changed the course of my life.

 

Things began to fall into place. I stopped worrying about what everyone else thought and only worried about what He thought. I sought to please Him, which in turn was taking care of me. My world changed. I was overcome with a feeling of peace and calmness. I stopped looking and things found me. I stopped putting pressure on myself to be perfect and perfection found me. I stopped forcing life to adhere to my pace and I suddenly was in perfect step.

 

The day I realized that I could only be ready for someone when I was ready for myself changed my life. Everyday isn't perfection and I still struggle and question and hesitate, but submitting to His will for my life and taking steps toward personal growth and healing and done more for me than years of trying to control and force and chart my own path.

 

I was reminded of this last night when I saw this quote appeared. It was a reminder that I need to continue to work on my own personal development, we all do. We all have to take care of ourselves in order to take care of those we love. So, I'm listening.

 

 



Life Ain't Sunshine & Roses

I had a conversation yesterday with someone who, well means the world to me. I sat and listened to them. They sounded just like me. I have sat and said so many of the same things. "I don't understand how I got here" "Why would anyone want me" "I'm afraid I'll screw it up" "What if things don't work out?"

 

Wow, how many times had these same words passed through my own lips, or been memorialized on paper in my journal or blogs. How often have I sat in my office and cried because I just didn't want to do "this" anymore. (don't ask me what "this" is, but its just this, ya know). How many times had I sat in city group and been jealous of these wonderful couples and thought why can't I have that? or why don't I get what I want? How often have I sat at home and just wallowed in my own self pity.

 

I have embraced my depression, my anxiety, my worrywhortness, my pessimism and that life isn't fair. Life is just this crazy thing we get to endure each day. Yeah, I have good days and bad days, I have wonderful minutes and cry the next. I can go weeks without thinking about M and then all of a sudden it hits me. One day I'm ready to move on and the next I am running like a bat out of hell to avoid anything close to a relationship.

 

As I listened to my friend's words and I offered advice I was kind of taken aback at myself. Here I was telling them my advice. How you have to just stop worrying about everything and just live. That life isn't fair, it isn't perfect and you cannot control everything. When did I become this person? When did I realize all this and when the heck will start taking my own advice?

 

I guess I had not realized how far I have come. Yeah, I still have some sh!tty days (i.e. yesterday when I just wanted to jump in a hole and pull the hole in with me), but life isn't all that bad. Yes, I am still angry with how things have transpired, yes I doubt and wonder and run and tend to stay guarded. But I have also seen the wonder and glory of God. I have been shown grace and given grace and will continue to see it.

 

I have seen God at work in the little ways. He has placed people in my life just when I need them--some permanently and others just a passing lesson to be learned.  I have been amazed by His capacity to love, comfort and ease my pain. I have "bought in" so to speak. I have embraced that for those things we cannot explain, the struggles, suffering, pain, hard-learned lessons, He is behind them, charting our paths.

 

The more I talked to my friend, the more I realized that though life may not be fair, its not all that bad when you stop trying to control everything and live. And truly live, let life take you where it wants, let people in, open your heart--learn to love again.

 

So, if you're reading this today friend here is what I know:

 

You are sweet and kind, smart and funny, and you have a great capacity to love, not only others, but yourself. Its easy to look backwards and think life seemed grand, but the past is just that, what you have now is the future, this vast, blank canvas ready to be filled with whatever you want. Sure, its scary because you don't know where to start and have no clue how it will end, but the joy is all the moments in the between--life. I see you not as you do, but through His eye, a precious gift that has been given to the world and to me. So, don't think what if (insert any array of awful things that could happen) and think what if (insert array of all the good things). Have a little faith and know, I am here for you even when you say nothing at all--I love you.

 

It's Ok Thursday {Testament Edition}

  It's Thursday y'all which means I am linking up with Neely and Amber to let you know what' ok with me this week. Well, this week I am going slightly off the normal outline to share something more important with you because this week I have learned, It's Ok to Have faith.  

I have the awesome privilege to be a part of a group of Christian men and women who share in His word each week as we dine and worship together. Last night we did something new and split into men and women to truly share with each other. The goal: transparency. To say I was scared, is an understatement. I have always felt it was ok to believe and have faith, but to be honest, open, and vulnerable to a group of people, was not something I had experienced like this. Sure I can get in front of a group of people and talk about my experience with domestic violence, but to expose myself to people when it comes to my faith, was scary. So, lesson 1, its OK to be vulnerable.

 

I sat around the dinner table and listened to some of the other women speak. We prayed for each other and then I knew I needed to do it. I needed to share. I had sat in the group of people for almost two months, listening, learning, and experiencing, but I had yet to let Him speak through me. Part of me was always scared that the words would not come out right, or I would not be able to conjure up the perfect verse, or heck even find the book of the Bible we were in in my own Bible. Its just not something I had been taught.

 

It was in that moment that I got it. It's ok to walk by faith and not by sight. It's ok to doubt. It's ok to question. It's ok to be fearful. Why? Because Christ will never stop loving you. He will guide you, show you, walk with you, and give you the words when you feel silent. He fills every void, every gap, he never waivers and is always there even when you stray.

 

After I shared I felt healed. All the anger, pain, guilt, and shame was washed away. When I allowed myself to truly see and hear Him, I was given His grace. It was ok to be me. I sat around that table and never once did I feel judged-- I felt loved, cherished, supported. This group of women accepted me because He accepts me.

 

Life has not always been easy for me, its not supposed to be easy for anyone. However, I often felt like He had turned away from me, forgotten me, was angry with me. I was angry with Him. How could He let me endure all the pain and struggles I have endured. How could he let His child see so much in 30 short years? And then I remembered, it is through the weak and broken that His message becomes clear. He uses those who you least expect to be His voice and witness. He doesn't give you anything you cannot handle. He will always provide you the tools you need to survive. I guess in a way He must think I am pretty strong. I am His messenger. I am His voice to others. Whether its speaking to others about overcoming obstacles, setting goals, surviving tragedy--I have the awesome ability to show others that He is the reason I am here.

 

So, this Thursday I share with you why it's OK to Believe. Tomorrow is Good Friday and Sunday, Easter. These next few days I challenge each of you to be His witness. Remember, He gave His only son for us, Christ died so that we could live.