Big Scares & Big Decisions

Ever wonder how many hours one can sleep in one day and still be tired? Yeah, let's go with about 17. I believe I slept 17 hours yesterday. I just could not keep my eyes open. I was up long enough to eat and take the dogs out. I left work mid afternoon Friday on my way out of town for the weekend, when life decided I needed to stay put.

Couple trips of emptying my stomach later and long nap, I was staying here for the weekend. I also saw later that 35 South was closed in both directions past Waco, so my 3 hour trip to Austin would have lasted 6-7, so fate?

But this weekend gave me some time to think and reflect. Last week was interesting in my life. I was given some good news, some bad news, and some surprising news all in the course of a couple days. I found out some people incredibly close to me were going to be parents! I congratulated my brother on his new job & found out I was going to be an Aunt again! (seriously everyone is knocked up these days). I had a ghost of dating past eerily reappear and finally opened up about tons of things that had been going on in my head and heart. I basically reevaluated every aspect of my life.

In between unconscousness I did some sole searching. I prayed a lot, read the Gospel and read every journal entry I made in the last 4 years. I am amazed how much my life has changed and how much it has stayed the same. 4 years ago, I was clerking before my third year of law school and M and I were trying to get back together. I was lost and confused and most of all scared. I had this picture of what I wanted my life to be and I had this opportunity to make it work.

Today, I am still lost and scared. But in the last four years I have realized that its better to say what is on mind than hold it in. I have nothing to lose by revealing my heart other than the change to do it. I know that my thoughts and opinions, wants and needs matter. I am equipped to face whatever life hands me, though not always with grace and charm. I know that sometimes you only get one change to let people know what they mean to you. I am able to keep toxic people out and let those who truly care in. It does't mean I don't make stupid decisions or perhaps say a tad too much. I disappoint myself and still do not understand His plan for me. But I know, that everything happens for a reason. Every encounter, thought, decision and move we make it for some greater plan that we cannot see. So, I will live every day to fullest, have no regrets and make sure I speak the truth not only to other, but to myself. In the words of Shakespeare:

Happily Ever

So last Friday came and went. I did not lose it, cry myself to sleep, or do something dumb like call or text. Maybe it was because I was in DC surrounded by BOFF and her family, or because my feet hurt so bad from walking our nation's capital all day, or perhaps its because I am happy.

Yeah,  happy. That word that seem to allude me for so many years. Was I a happy child? I think so, at some points. Teens? Surely no. College? There were moments. Law school? Seriously? My 20's? Yes and no. Happy. Its just not a word I ever associated with me. Content? yeah, I often just felt content. But is content enough?

I admit, I have always been one of those girls who believes in Prince Charming, fairytales and happily ever after. I think growing up in a disjointed home can do that to you. My journal, thoughts, and wishes were for "normal," whatever the heck that meant. But to me, normal meant marriage, house, kids, 2 dogs, good job, want for nothing, surely no divorce--normal. I look back and can see so many things, choices, decisions that I made because it was on my path to normal, my pursuit of something better than what I knew growing up. I tried so hard to control, force, push, and where did it land me? I settled for content. Now, don't get me wrong, I loved and still love M. He will always be a part of me, and I don't regret my life with him for one moment. But. had I known then what I know now, I can't say I would have made the same decisions. In fact, I had myself convinced that I was never to know happiness, that somehow I was missed when the happy fairy waved her magic wand.

Then I realized that happy isn't what I thought it was. Its not sunshine, lollipops and cupcakes (although those things make me happy). Its waking every morning knowing  my wrongs have been forgiven and I have a new day granted to me to begin again. Its accepting my faults and shortcomings and striving to do better. Its putting aside myself wants and needs for others. Its being ok in the wilderness knowing He will lead me out of it, in time. Its accepting the things I cannot change and relieving myself of the burdens of others that I was never meant to carry. Its opening my heart and letting someone in, and I mean really in.

No, I have not stopped believing in fairytales, its just that my definition and picture of what one is has changed. See, in every fairytale, Disney story or lifetime sappy movie, what we forget is the struggle. Each character suffers from some trial, tribulation, pain. They suffer through to the ending, to their happily ever after.

I no longer look at my suffering as punishment. No, its merely party of my journey, its the curves, turns, and twists on my fairytale--to my Happily Ever.

How do you Know?

How do you know?

Its when you wake up and realize how far you have come? When you is the real you and not the person you became. When you have embraced the fact that not everyone will be like him and you do not have to be like that you. Is it when you have given yourself enough time to recover, to grieve, be angry, scared, upset. It is when you know the person you are today, is truly the person you are.

How do you know?

Its when the feeling of guilt goes away. When that person who used to be one-half of another person lets you go. When that guilt loosens its grip and say to you, its ok. Is it when you stop feeling like you are a bad person for finding something or someone that makes you happy.

How do you know?

Is it when the anger subsides and the bitterness slides away? Is it when you no longer them all as evil and exploding canons waiting to hurt you? Is it when you say his name and anger no longer quells in your heart.

How do you know?

It is when you finally stop thinking of your life in terms of when M and I or "we" used to, or man this one time... or in "our" house. Is it when you finally lay his ghost to rest, when you put that part of your life away.

How do you know?

Is it when you are happy... on your own. When you can fill up your own time with things you like and are content. It is when you sincerely enjoy your life as you, and not one-half of another person. Is it when you are not trying to fill that void, but are looking to complement you.

How do you know?

Is it when you can do things alone? Eat, movies, go out, sit at Starbuck's and read.... alone. When you have filled your life with His love and not his love.

How do you know?

Is it when you are emotionally ready? When you have found resolve in your situation and have decided to live in the now and not in the past? Is it when you let your guard down? When you don't suspect every person will be just like him. Is it when you can see that most people are inherently decent, loyal, loving and are looking for you just as ardently as you are looking for them? Is it when you trust you heart to someone else?

How do you  know?

Is it when you don't compromise anymore. Well you do but not the things most important to you. When you  can put your foot down early and say, no, this isn't what I want. When you realize you cannot change them and that's ok. Is it when you can see that you do not have to give up what you really want for someone else.

How do you  know?

Well, you just do. It may take some time and trial and error and you may hurt people along the way. You may revert into old habits, move too fast, move too slow, take 5 steps back for every forward, but then you get it. You stop pushing on the proverbial "bruise" on your heart and realize its not there.

How do you know when you're ready to love again?

If I Only Knew

 

So, I was overwhelmed with the amount of love I received yesterday when I shared about why I started blogging and why I continued to. I also realized that so many of you were out there supporting me and were proud of me for sharing my heart with you over these past 5 months (yes only 5). I realized that some of you have realized what the giant elephant in the blog has been and some of you are kind of in the dark. I was amazed at how some of you thought I was perfect. This thought really got to me because in my City Group we really try to be real and vulnerable with each other and I realized sometimes I have not been open with you all. I mean, yes its a tad different form from my small church group, but I think using the "D" word here made it more real. Admitting that I had failed at something that was so important to me and something I wanted from the beginnings of womanhood is hard. Putting it out there that my plan somehow backfired makes me nervous. Admitting I am 30 and feel like I am back to square 1.... yeah freaked out like 500 2 times.

 

So, anywho.....back to this lovely link up only because it kind of goes along with what I had already planned to talk about today: "a piece of advice you have for others." I feel like I have so much to share at this point in my life, so here goes.... Lessons from Lynn.

 

1. You have to love yourself before you can truly love someone else
2. do not expect a man to make you happy, no one can make you happy except you and the Lord
3. don't sit around waiting for things to happen, go make them happen
4. speak up! yes, you, girl who think that if you say something to a man he will leave you, yeah well if he does he wasn't worth your time to begin with
5. don't change for anyone. when you see yourself begin to become someone you do not know, stop and think about why... evolving is ok, becoming someone you do not like, its not
6. recognize toxic people in your life and remove them. yeah you heard me.... its hard, but you will be better off surrounded by people who truly love you
7. seek answers, closure makes a world of difference
8. be open to change
9. seek a circle of people who love the Lord as much as they love you. When you are lifted up by people who seek to immolate Christ, you are automatically lifted up
10. trust your gut
11. the world does not end at 30
12. its ok to fail because its not really failing, its God teaching you something, redirecting your path, putting you back on course
13. Cry when you need to
14. slow down, do not get so caught up in life that you cannot enjoy it
15. Let go... let go of anger, pain, resentment, guilt, the burdens you carry that you need not
16. buy a puppy when you want one
17. let people in
18. trust that feeling you get when someone is put into your life and you just know
19. be open, honest and upfront with people you care about
20. forget "the rules"
21. Love, be loved, and give love.

But you, O Lord, are a shield around me; my glory, and the lifter of my head.
- Psalms 3:3

Tumultuous Love

First, y'all need to stop on by Ms. Messy Dirty Hair herself! I'm featured on her blog, and well I'm giving away some good stuff!

So, I watched the train-wreck AKA Lindsay Lohan in Liz&Dick. I admit, she fit this role... to a "T." Though I admit her playing an older Liz was a bit odd seeing as that she is all of 26 and has had little life experience, especially in love. However, it got me thinking about Love, again yeah I know I'm all about the Love of late.

My thought was is it possible to have a tumultuous love like Liz & Dick? Can two people really have a relationship, a marriage that is good and strong with so much anger? I know all couples have their ups and downs, but is it possible to have a love like Liz & Dick?

Is that a marriage? Is  marriage all-encompassing love where you almost love someone so much it hurts, or is it a love so pure you cannot exist with your partner? Does everyone only have one true love? Or can you have the kind of love you have with your spouse more than once? Is it about timing or about actually finding the one person God has picked out for you.

Is love like Liz & Dick? The kind where you cannot live with them and you cannot live without them?

Now I need to vent for a hot minute about Ms. Lohan... I mean the interview she does on Lifetime in the previews for the movie... Lord help me! She apparently "relates" to Elizabeth Taylor with the media and the blah blah blah... GET YOUT SH!T TOGETHER!!! You had everything and you chose to screw up. No one forced you to steal, or drink and drive, or go to rehab! And let's not mention Ms. Taylor had a HUGE career, not a teen fluke who has piddled away her talent!

And.... done. Have a lovely Tuesday y'all.

LOVE

I know what love is. I have experienced its power: the passion, the raw emotion, the bond two people share.

I know what its like to walk blindly into Love's trap. To be headed left, when suddenly it steers you right.

I have left it up to God to put me in the hand's of someone who be right behind me no matter what.

Love hits you when you least expect it. Its blinds you, leaves you breathless and asking for more. It is steadfast and its power is awesome beyond words. Its overcomes all odds and defies gravity.

The Real Valentine's Day

Ahh, its Valentine's Day--the day to celebrate romance and love and kissy-face fealty. The origin of this fabulous day are somewhat dark, bloody and muddled. Though there is no one pinpoint on the origin of the blessed day, we should begin where so many great things began--with the Romans. The days is rumored to have begun with what else? men hitting on women... literally.

A drawing depicts the death of St. Valentine — one of them, anyway. The Romans executed two men by that name on Feb. 14 of different years in the 3rd century A.D.

From Feb. 13 to 15, the Romans celebrated the feast of Lupercalia. Men sacrificed a goat and a dog, then whipped women with the hides of the animals they had just slain. These Roman "romantics" were drunk and naked. (Talk about punch-drunk love). And of course in true womanly fashion, these women would actually line up for the men to hit them beleiving it would make them fertile (we do anything for babies, right?).

The "festival" included a matchmaking lottery, where young men drew the names of "lucky"women from a jar and the couple would then be, well,  coupled up for the duration of the festival (or longer, if the match was right).

The ancient Romans may also be responsible for the name of our modern day of love. Historians show show that Emperor Claudius II executed two men — both named Valentine — on Feb. 14 of different years in the 3rd century A.D. Valentine's martyrdom was honored by the Catholic Church with the celebration of St. Valentine's Day. (Gotta love us Catholics and our Saints). Although Pope Gelasius I later muddled things in the 5th century by combining St. Valentine's Day with Lupercalia (the "hitting festival") to expel the pagan rituals, but  byt then the festival was more of a theatrical interpretation of what it had once been. One historuan noted, "It was a little more of a drunken revel, but the Christians put clothes back on it. That didn't stop it from being a day of fertility and love."

Around the same time, the Normans celebrated Galatin's Day. Galatin meant "lover of women." That was likely confused with St. Valentine's Day at some point, in part because they sound alike.

 

As the years went on, the holiday grew sweeter. Chaucer and Shakespeare romanticized it in their writing, and it gained popularity throughout Britain and the rest of Europe. Handmade paper cards became the symbol in the Middle Ages. Eventually, the tradition made its way to the New World. The industrial revolution ushered in factory-made cards in the 19th century. And in 1913, the illustrious Hallmark Cards of Kansas City, Mo., began mass producing "valentines." February has not been the same since.

Today, the holiday is big business: According to market research firm IBIS World, Valentine's Day sales reached $17.6 billion last year; this year's sales are expected to total $18.6 billion. But that commercialization has spoiled the day for many. I mean come on people, if we do not indugle Hallmark, the "holiday" ends! (I wish).

And so the celebration of Valentine's Day will go on, celebrated every which way from Sunday. Millions will be spent in jewelry, flowers, cards, candy, dinner, and lingerie (a man can hope right?). Others will celebrate in a SAD (that's Single Awareness Day) way, dining alone and binging on self-gifted chocolates. (15% of women will send themselves flowers on Valentine's day, so much for women's lib....) A few may even be spending this day the same way the early Romans did.( But let's not go there.)

So,  no matter how you chose to spend today, or what you decide to give your Valentine, remember, it could be worse ladies, you could be beaten with dead animal hide or you could have been alive during the infamous St. Valentine's Day Massacre... single doesn't sound so bad now, huh? Here's to hoping you spend the day not thinking of love lost, or your relationships status on facebook, but rather be blessed you do not live in the time of the Romans. Happy V Day Everyone! ~The Illegal Blonde

All You Need is Love

Yea I know its cliche and all, but I am a sucker for it... LOVE. And before you all think I am about to delve into some mushy story about how I love storybook romances and have always wanted the fairytale, I am talking about the love you feel when surrounded by family and friends. Yesterday I was lucky enough to get to celebrate the life of Nannie. Now she is not my nannie, and you guessed it, I am not even related to this woman by blood or marriage, but the joy I felt when she started to sing Happy Birthday to Me... is indescribable. Nannie is amazing, she is happy, loving, and just about the most fashionable lady I know! So it should be no surprise that about 20 people, lots of whom are not related to her, gathered yesterday to celebrate her 88 years... though she would be quick to remind you that her birthday is technically Tuesday.

The Birthday Girl

Valentine's Card Time

As I stood around Mrs. M's kitchen yesterday and looked around, I was reminded how much love can do. I saw the love between husband and wives, most of whom have been married once and for many year. I saw the love between siblings, mother and child, friends, cousins and the love between friends. The people in that room share a love for each other that is like no other. It warms your body on a cold day and refreshes your soul after a tough week. It is proof that All You Need is Love. ~The Illegal Blonde

Friends