Big Scares & Big Decisions

Ever wonder how many hours one can sleep in one day and still be tired? Yeah, let's go with about 17. I believe I slept 17 hours yesterday. I just could not keep my eyes open. I was up long enough to eat and take the dogs out. I left work mid afternoon Friday on my way out of town for the weekend, when life decided I needed to stay put.

Couple trips of emptying my stomach later and long nap, I was staying here for the weekend. I also saw later that 35 South was closed in both directions past Waco, so my 3 hour trip to Austin would have lasted 6-7, so fate?

But this weekend gave me some time to think and reflect. Last week was interesting in my life. I was given some good news, some bad news, and some surprising news all in the course of a couple days. I found out some people incredibly close to me were going to be parents! I congratulated my brother on his new job & found out I was going to be an Aunt again! (seriously everyone is knocked up these days). I had a ghost of dating past eerily reappear and finally opened up about tons of things that had been going on in my head and heart. I basically reevaluated every aspect of my life.

In between unconscousness I did some sole searching. I prayed a lot, read the Gospel and read every journal entry I made in the last 4 years. I am amazed how much my life has changed and how much it has stayed the same. 4 years ago, I was clerking before my third year of law school and M and I were trying to get back together. I was lost and confused and most of all scared. I had this picture of what I wanted my life to be and I had this opportunity to make it work.

Today, I am still lost and scared. But in the last four years I have realized that its better to say what is on mind than hold it in. I have nothing to lose by revealing my heart other than the change to do it. I know that my thoughts and opinions, wants and needs matter. I am equipped to face whatever life hands me, though not always with grace and charm. I know that sometimes you only get one change to let people know what they mean to you. I am able to keep toxic people out and let those who truly care in. It does't mean I don't make stupid decisions or perhaps say a tad too much. I disappoint myself and still do not understand His plan for me. But I know, that everything happens for a reason. Every encounter, thought, decision and move we make it for some greater plan that we cannot see. So, I will live every day to fullest, have no regrets and make sure I speak the truth not only to other, but to myself. In the words of Shakespeare:

A lil Reflection

I know I have talked about how different my life is from a year ago, but I had some great reflection time last night. I had a friend over who is contemplating a divorce and so we sat down to talk about everything from how she felt to the legal issues concerning it.

I listened to her talk about how she felt and I interjected with my own experiences and thoughts. We have so much in common, not only with our marriages, but our past experiences and lives. Often I see so much of my 22 year old self in her. I want to hug her and hold her and tell her she is so young to be so miserable. Yet, I know how that feels so I just listen. I was raw and honest with her.

Divorce sucks. Its like having a death in your family. You ache like you have never known, and its literally a physical ailment. You second-guess, feel shame, guilt, you reason with yourself and often run and hide. People, especially your spouse think you just woke up one morning and said I don't want to do this, let's divorce, simple. Its not simple. It hurts just as much to be the one who files as the one who receives the papers. It was something I thought about long and hard and sought counsel on from those I love. I wrestled with it emotionally and spiritually. I ache for her. I know the sorrow and strife she has bottled up in her. I know how this is eating her alive and yet making her dead inside.

I have been asked if I regret it or would change how it happened and that is just the opening of can of worms and caused the butterfly effect. Sure, I could see how time might have helped or let us "fix" things,  but at the end of the day I knew in my heart and soul that we just didn't work, we were not fixable to the extent I needed in order to be truly happy. Now, all you marriage lovers can say I didn't try hard or that marriage is work and no marriage is perfect, I hear you and I know that. But I also know that its not worth being miserable, depressed, and empty inside for someone. At 30, I was too young to spend my life trying to fix something that should not have been broken so quickly and so easily.

As I listened to her I heard her say the words that I clung to and helped me be at peace with my decision "It shouldn't have come to this." Yes! I wanted to scream. I had often told M this and felt this way, that only when I got upset enough or actually filed, did he want to fix things, work on them and show me he could love me well. It was too late. How could he not see that his wife had long left her body and only an image of her remained? How did he not reach out sooner and say where did YOU go? There are a million reasons why, and none of them is right or wrong, but at that point I was too far gone and no essence of me remained to salvage the relationship we had for 7 years.

So, as I sat and reflected and remembered all those emotions and feelings I felt at peace. Do I still have moments of what if? Yes I probably always will. Will part of me always love him and care about him? yes, and that's ok. But now, the woman I am faces each day knowing that I have peace in my decision and God has greats plans for me. He has given me angels in the form of friends and family  to show me what true everlasting, unconditional love looks like.

Friday's Letters {to God}

In case you missed it or are not friends with me on Facebook (my personal one not the blog) then you may not have noticed that I have been quite the state of reflection this past week. I have been looking inward and analyzing my life. I guess its apropos at this time of year to stop and have a moment (or 5) of deep thought about where you went in this past year and where you want to go in the next one.

For me, it includes a lot of writing, soul-searching, and one-on-one time with God. Instead of silent prayers, I have found myself writing and then I realized I was writing to Him. It is yet another cathartic experience.Although I would love to share my inner thoughts with all of you, I decided instead I would share something my best friend shared with me. It makes you stop and realize that sometimes what we ask God for he gives us just not in the way we wanted. He knows us better; He gives us what we need, even when we don't ask. So, whatever holidays you celebrate, whatever faith you subscribe, take time during these last few days of 2012 and reflect. Take a self-inventory, set goals, vow to make a change for the better whether in your life or another's.