5 on Friday

Today I want to share something special with you all. As I approach the 1 year mark of the Big D, I am reminded of how far I have come. However, I know I would not have made it without some important people. So, today I share with you 5 of the most influential people in my life the past year.


1. V&D - yeah they can count as 1.I have had the unconditional love and support of these two people for well with V as long as I can remember and with D since I was 18. They have shared my ups and downs, triumphs and sorrows, the good, the bad, the ugly. They are there to give me the truth, even when I don't want to face it.

2. Aunt K. Its funny to think I used to be scared to death of this woman! I mean literally scared the snot right out of my young little nose. But she is someone I have grown to respect. She challenges me to think and act far beyond my wildest dreams. I have grown to look forward to our monthly lunches and I know that even when I don't tell her, she knows what is really going on in my head.

3. KW or K as I think I have called her. This woman is awesome. She is truly the epitome of what it means to be a lady, a Christian and a friend. She has walked with me through so much of my professional life and now has been a steadfast guide as I have renewed my walk with Christ and ventured into the unknown of being single again. She is a listening ear, a helping hand, a shoulder to cry on and the speaker of truth. God truly knew what He was doing when He put us both in that summer clerkship.

4.My guy friends. I know this sounds silly, but I have been gifted some pretty awesome men in my life. Some I had had for ever, others since law school and others have made their way into my life via other avenues. But, they have been wonderful. From sweet texts of encouragement, to reminding me that I am still worthy and beautiful, to mowing the lawn, fixing stuff, sending flowers (or fruit) to just reminding me that not all men suck.

5. Jenn, P!nky & Jessica. I have developed such a wonderful and unique friendship with these three women via this little piece of the interwebs. Though I have only met Jess in person, and hopefully the other two soon.... They are friends. They know so much about my life and have taken a vested interest it amazes me. They laugh with me, cry with me, share in my joys and sorrows. We have shared a miscarriage, a baby, a wedding, homebuying and soon another wedding. Its more than a superficial commenting, its a friendship.

Its Ok to Cry

this face

So work has been stressful as of late, as in the kind where you have so much going on you think your head might explode, but you know its good because you're busy and one minute its 8am and the next 5:16pm... yeah that stress. Or the kind where the house you bought becomes a living nightmare of constant repair and a drain on your wallet, but you keep telling yourself its a good investment, kind of stress. Or the kind where you look down at your sweet sleeping, dreaming pup and remember how your ex used to talk to her like she was a human and a huge tear rolls down your face which turns into buckets and huge throat clenching sobs, kind of stress.

And those tears and sobs turn into questions, and the questions turn into prayers and at some point you fall asleep and wake up to a new day, the sun creeping over the horizon and that sweet puppy face inches from you and realize those tears were not in vain, the fears not unheard and the prayers not unanswered. And much like the rains of April usher in May's blooms, the tears will wash away your fears and stress and angst and make way for a new season of your life.

Yes, its ok to cry.

A lil Reflection

I know I have talked about how different my life is from a year ago, but I had some great reflection time last night. I had a friend over who is contemplating a divorce and so we sat down to talk about everything from how she felt to the legal issues concerning it.

I listened to her talk about how she felt and I interjected with my own experiences and thoughts. We have so much in common, not only with our marriages, but our past experiences and lives. Often I see so much of my 22 year old self in her. I want to hug her and hold her and tell her she is so young to be so miserable. Yet, I know how that feels so I just listen. I was raw and honest with her.

Divorce sucks. Its like having a death in your family. You ache like you have never known, and its literally a physical ailment. You second-guess, feel shame, guilt, you reason with yourself and often run and hide. People, especially your spouse think you just woke up one morning and said I don't want to do this, let's divorce, simple. Its not simple. It hurts just as much to be the one who files as the one who receives the papers. It was something I thought about long and hard and sought counsel on from those I love. I wrestled with it emotionally and spiritually. I ache for her. I know the sorrow and strife she has bottled up in her. I know how this is eating her alive and yet making her dead inside.

I have been asked if I regret it or would change how it happened and that is just the opening of can of worms and caused the butterfly effect. Sure, I could see how time might have helped or let us "fix" things,  but at the end of the day I knew in my heart and soul that we just didn't work, we were not fixable to the extent I needed in order to be truly happy. Now, all you marriage lovers can say I didn't try hard or that marriage is work and no marriage is perfect, I hear you and I know that. But I also know that its not worth being miserable, depressed, and empty inside for someone. At 30, I was too young to spend my life trying to fix something that should not have been broken so quickly and so easily.

As I listened to her I heard her say the words that I clung to and helped me be at peace with my decision "It shouldn't have come to this." Yes! I wanted to scream. I had often told M this and felt this way, that only when I got upset enough or actually filed, did he want to fix things, work on them and show me he could love me well. It was too late. How could he not see that his wife had long left her body and only an image of her remained? How did he not reach out sooner and say where did YOU go? There are a million reasons why, and none of them is right or wrong, but at that point I was too far gone and no essence of me remained to salvage the relationship we had for 7 years.

So, as I sat and reflected and remembered all those emotions and feelings I felt at peace. Do I still have moments of what if? Yes I probably always will. Will part of me always love him and care about him? yes, and that's ok. But now, the woman I am faces each day knowing that I have peace in my decision and God has greats plans for me. He has given me angels in the form of friends and family  to show me what true everlasting, unconditional love looks like.

The Scarlet Letter

Sinner. Divorcee. Harsh right? I mean it’s like being called some politically incorrect racial slur. But, it’s true. I live an inextricably intertwined web of sin. I judge at first sight, I think ill of others, I lie outwardly and by omission, I have strained familial relationships, and I am divorced. Brand me with a scarlet “D” and send me to hell.

I can remember thinking about this when I filed. What would others think? How would they look at me? Would they judge me? What would people say? How would my boss react? My friends? My biggest fear? Would anyone want me at 30 and divorced? Would I ever get married again, have a family, be normal?

I also thought about how I would be perceived by others in the Christian community, and probably more so. In fact, I sat in a small group for weeks without saying a word because I wanted so much to be accepted by these people. There I sat judging—judging people that today I call my family. I just “knew” they would think I didn’t try hard enough, or entered into it too lightly, or was taking the “easy” way out. Heck, I had been there, done that. I have sat in judgment staring at my Facebook feed when I have seen others divorce and thought; oh man what happened that was quick. (talk about pot calling the kettle black)

But honestly, I judged myself the worst. I created this image that I would no longer be good enough that somehow I was unworthy of love. Unworthy of anyone's love, not only His love, but unworthy of my own love. I mean, how was I supposed to live with myself? I was wrought with guilt. Was I doing the right thing? Did I try hard enough? Would I be ok? Wouldn’t life be easier if I just stayed in my comfort zone? (This is the biggest lie we tell ourselves).

I have distinct memories of when I felt the guilt and shame. Telling my small group was the first. I couldn’t even look at anyone in the eye. I didn’t feel worthy of them to even look at me. (Thank goodness for the caring, loving eyes of K staring back at me from across the table). I was shocked by the outpouring of love and support. These women who barely knew me, but loved me anyway. They loved me more than I loved and cared about myself.

I remember seeing a friend from college out and she asked me about me M and I wanted to lie, but just said it out loud. And proceeded to walk sprint to my car as fast as I could. I skipped a wedding held at the same church I was married in. I nearly threw up telling a guy I was divorced because I didn’t want him to write me off at first meeting. I saw a woman who was at my wedding and knew M growing up, she asked me how he was and I just said fine. People assumed when I moved back to Fort Worth, that “we” had moved back. I had concocted this this world where everyone was staring at me, shouting "sinner!"

What do all these things have in common? My guilt, my shame, my fear. I self-branded my chest with a scarlet D, I didn’t need anyone else to do it for me. I engaged in self-pity, depression and wallowing on my own accord. I was my own worst judge and jury; I found myself guilty before I even started.

 I have found the world to be a tad more understanding. My friends, well they love me still. Those true friends, they have stuck by me and loved having “me” back. I have been welcomed into a family of people who have walked with my on my spiritual journey. They have lifted, held, and even dragged me up on even my worst days. Men? Yup, there are those who do not see me as tainted (and if they do I don’t want them anyway).

If you had told me a year ago what my life would look like today, I would have laughed at you. But, what a glorious ride its been. I am learning to be whole again and not because of any person or thing, but because of me and my desire to move closer to Him to fill the gaps and voids. I have learned to let go of the guilt and shame. I have learned to open my heart to the endless possibilities that lay before me.

 I have removed my scarlet D and put on my golden L. I am Lynn—take me or leave me.

 

Dating After The Big D

This is a touchy subject. You would think that its my life, therefore my dating life. Oh the contrary my friends, on contraire! Seems everyone has an opinion regarding my post marriage life. And not just on dating, they have opinions on everything from homes, lifestyle, spending, clothing , thoughts, you name it, I have heard an opinion on it. But we are here to talk about dating.

First of all, let me put it on the record that I had not really dated since I was 23. Yup, I met M when I was barely 23. He was basically all I knew for 7 years and most of my real adult, post college life. He shaped most of my thoughts regarding grown-up relationships and my self-esteem as a young woman. So, when I found myself suddenly single again, I was at a loss for how to do it again. But that gets ways ahead of the story.

First, I have those that think I should not date, well  not any time soon. Yes, I should sit, stew, "get over it" "deal with it" or my personal favorite "figure out who I am." I get where these people are coming  from. They want me to have time to heal and really look at myself and see where I am, who I am, and what I truly want in someone. I lost so much of myself during my marriage that they just want to ensure that I am looking for someone who fulfills the real me.

But come on, I am 30! I cannot just sit on my butt and wallow. These people would also have me just not do anything sometimes I think. They fall into the do go out, don't hang out with guys alone, just hang out with groups and your girlfriends. Well this is all fine and dandy, except most of my friends are either married or coupled up. So.. yeah of course its a little hard. And who wants to sit alone by yourself. I am 30 people not 50! I am young, no children and for once in my life can pretty much come and go as I please.

Next we have the people who think I can date but don't get into anything serious. I'm with these people, I can grasp where they come from a little more. Get your feet wet, see what you like, but be careful not to rush into something just to satisfy your comfort. These people kind of go with the get it out of your system people. Those who think I should just jaunt around town coming and going as I please with whomever cause I can. In general, this group thinks I just need to be single and have fun to avoid any emotional attachment too soon. Its hard people. You find someone you really like and connect with them and you want to see where it goes. Its in our nature to couple-up and be monogamous. So, while I understand where this groups means well, its hard to follow through and let's face it, I was never the "player" type. I tried, it failed miserably. But, I do feel like this group has some good thoughts. ( I mean I just moved again, bought a house and work has ramped up, so I am a little overwhelmed too say the least.)

We have the you need something totally opposite from M. People, M was not a monster. Sure we had our differences and there were things (obviously) that I couldn't live with (literally) but I fell in love and married him for a reason. I was drawn to him for lots of reasons. So to go totally opposite from him would be asking me to find someone I am not compatible with. Yes, I need to look for someone who has things he did not, but let's not go from what I am naturally attracted to, to well I dunno, the hard-core punk type ( no offense to you all, just not my thing). I will always be attracted to athletic-build, sports-loving men. Its just what I go for. However, I do need one who wants to make me his number 1, who can live with every college football game every Saturday, and wants a Jesus-centered relationship.

Then there are those who weigh in regarding whether I should date someone who is divorced, single, has kids, is older, younger, etc... than me. Ok, so let's face it, I am kind of an old-soul. I grew up way before my time and tend to gravitate towards older men. So, how old is too old? I mean, 35? 37? 43? 52? Yes, these are the ages of men who have pursued me. ( I know you see 52 and think what?) This is a story for a whole other blog. But the point is, how old is too old? I mean when we get into the 40's my thoughts are, well if you have kids they are approaching teens and do you want more kids? cause I want my own. Then you get into the 52 year old and he has daughters closer to my age than I am to his. Mid-30's they have little kids. Ok, so again, do they want more? Or why are they single if they are not divorced?

I am ok with kids. Bring on your own kids I will grow to love them as my own--you just have to want or be able to have more. (Yes be able to... what is with men and having their manhood taken away who want to date 30 year old women?). If you know anything about me, than you know I want to be a mom more than anything in the world. And I want that with my own, not that I will not love yours, but I want to have my own little ones to raise and screw up. But what about your kids that are older? Will they accept me? Will they see me as the other woman? Will they hate me? I think about all these things.

Age - so hard here. I mean I don't want or need a sugar daddy, but then again men my age I tend to worry about sometimes. I mean why are you single at 30-something? Do you have the I am just never getting married and will waste your time attitude? Are you flawed in some way that I cannot see until a year in? Are you annoying as all get out? 10+ years older than me and I am like what do we have in common and why on earth are you dating someone half your age? And what do I look like? Gold-digger? or perhaps I am the old soul that completes you?

And when did dating become all texts and social media heavy? I mean call a woman. And how do you find people? Online? (yes I have gone there), church, grocery store, bar, mutual friends... Its not like I am in college and these things happen organically. At least I can quasi-screen these people via FB....

But mostly, I have realized in all this dating is that it will have it ups and downs. I will falter, fail, screw up, move too fast, move too slow, jump too quickly, look like an idiot,  and I am scared. Scared I will make a mistake, find myself back in the same place I am now. If I have said it once, I have said it a thousand times I am the master of self-sabotage. I find something good and out of fear screw it up. I find myself doing the I am not good enough, or the what-if dance. I self-doubt and self-hate and end up in a mess. I want to be loved. I want to get married again and have children. I want someone who wants me--plain and simple.

So, what do you think? Advice? Thoughts? People you think I need to meet? lol. Happy Hump Day all!

Pink Elephants

I'm living with a giant pink elephant in my room. It followed me from my apartment to my new house. It sits in the bedroom and watches me sleep; cooks dinner with me; curls up on the couch and watches TV with me--its a parasite sucking the life out of me. Her name is depression.

She comes and goes from time-to-time--hell even moment-to-moment. Sometimes she forces candy and cookies down me or sits on my chest and doesn't allow me to breathe. She taunts me and holds me down when I try to get out of bed. Sure, I can overcome her most days. I simply push forward until she moves because I have to. I cannot sit in bed all day, or eat til I'm 150 pounds-- I have to function. I have to eat, sleep, workout, work, take care of puppies. I cannot shop her away, though I have tried.

People ask if I have talked to her, asked her why she was here. I look at these people dumb-founded, like WTF? As if you have no clue why I would have a giant pink monster following me around for the last eh, 9 months of my life. yeah I seem to have it altogether, what else am I supposed to do?

I cannot crack at work, cannot lose it with my friends, I have to function and appear normal. I am she-woman, remember? The truth is, I have suffered from this looming pink elephant most of my life.

I have tried therapy, counseling, meds, praying, writing... I have turned towards my friends and family more, but its still hard. I mean its hard to call someone and say I have no reason why I am down, I just am and I need to cry, wanna listen? I know I have people who would do this for me, but it seems so weak. Its seems silly, or worthless. I feel ashamed, dumb and embarrassed.

I remember when I first told M I was depressed. He looked at me like I was some strange being from outer space. He scoffed and acted like only crazy people said that. I  mean, he had never met anyone who was depressed. I think this is when I started to hide it more. I became more introverted. I stopped sharing my feelings and it got worse. I fed my depression with negative thoughts and trying to be what he wanted. I know he just did not know how to cope with it. But it only made me drown more.

Post-D, I have swam better some days than others. I have been able to tread water. Holding myself up and trying to take deep breaths. I have turned upward instead of inward. I have relied more on friends, but its still hard. There are just those days when that pink elephant seems to hop on my back and hold me down.

I haven't gotten "real" here in while. Well, this is about as real as it gets. I am 3 1/2 months post-D and still just trying to keep my head afloat. I have thoughts of what if, or did I do the right thing. I miss parts of my old life and let my head get filled with woulda, coulda, shoulda. I lose sight of what lies ahead. I turn away from those people who love me and care about me because I don't want them to see me suffering. I run in fear from new things that seem to good to be true. I fear a repeat. I stand looking at my life and wonder why? And how. How did I get here. Why did things not go as planned? What do I do now?

I stand at a precipice and I can either jump or be transfixed in time. I can  unleash the elephant or carry it forward. But right now, I just have to get through today.

On Being OK

It's the question everyone will ask you post D, "Are you ok?" Ok, what does ok mean? Webster defines it as all right. We use it to mean yes, as in do you want to hangout tonight? ok. We use it to mean WTF? As in when you get upset with someone and then look at you and say Okay... (drawn out). But what does it mean to be ok? and who wants to be just ok?

I am not crazy, I am about to lose it or go off the deep end. I am divorced, not dead.  I have accepted the things I cannot change and decided to move forward. I am 30, not 80. I am single, not an alien. Yes people I am ok.

Yes, there are times I step backwards and miss things. Things, not people. Like having another person in the house to help with the pups or take the trash out, or just another warm body that takes up space. I miss conversation and always having someone to eat out with or go to the movies with. I miss companionship.

But, guess what? I have those things. Single does not mean alone. It means growing closer to my friends and family, renewing my walk with Christ and focusing on me. Yeah, that person that not neglected. I get to realize what I like, what's ok for me.

Like, I like flowers, running after work, I snort when I laugh, get embarrassed easily and have quite the sense of humor. I like wine with dinner or before bed. I like to snuggle and and hold hands. I enjoy random shows on reality TV and stolen glances.

I need a man who can lead me as well be lead. I need a man who wants to share my faith walk and wants to go to church. Someone who can show what it means to love and be loved. Who never takes me for granted and pursues me everyday.

I know these things because I am ok. Its been a journey. Its meant forgiving and apologizing, its meant frogs and toads, its meant tears and smiles. Its meant letting go and being vulnerable. Its looking forwards and not backwards. Its finding a super hero in the most unexpected place.

The D is never easy. Its like death. But after the mourning and grieving, you see the sun rise, step outside and your heart is warmed with the grace and glory of God. He gives you what you need. He gives you hope. He gives you the ability to be OK.

May I have Your Attention

 

Today's Blog every day in May prompt: Issue a public apology.... Hmmmm, Just one, I only get 1? This could be good or bad, but here we go:

 

Dear M--

 

I'm sorry for so many things. I am sorry you hurt. I am sorry I hurt. I am sorry that things ended the way they did. I am sorry we didn't get to do things on our bucket lists and live out those hopes and dreams together. I apologize for all the times I yelled and screamed, for the times I expected you to know what was wrong and then got mad when you didn't. I am sorry for holding a grudge and for bringing past anger into our future. I am sorry for taking out my past on you. I apologize for not speaking up and telling you what I needed and wanted. I am sorry I let it get to this. I am sorry I became complacent. I am sorry that I failed to meet your needs at times and often forgot to ask about them. I am sorry for being scared... of you, of life, of letting go. I am sorry I didn't live up to my end of the bargain at times. I am sorry the way things ended. You will always hold a special place in my heart and I want nothing but the best for you, its all I ever wanted--to see you happy.

 

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. ~Ephesians 4:32

Prop 8 Debate

So in case you have been in a hole somewhere for the last 24 hours, then let me fill you in: The Ninth Circuit upheld the lower courts ruling the Prop 8 is unconstitutional!!! This does not mean that there will be a sudden rush of same-sex marriages in California, as there is much more legal mumbo-jumbo that has to occur before its official. The ruling, however, is important nonetheless. It's a step in the right direction towards equal rights. Ironic that this ruling came down the same day that I wrote about the sanctity of marriage. Ironic that in an age of quicky marriages and divorces we deny people the same rights. I know plenty of same-sex couples who have been in committed relationships for longer than some marriages. Yet in our country we deny these people the same rights as heterosexual couples.

Sure you can argue that the Bible says marriage is a union between one man and one woman, but hello people this is the USA. Home of seperation of church and state. Marriage, although traditionally a union by the marriage, is now no more than a contract between two people and requires a license in most states. Basically, its a contract between two people and the state. This union, however, comes with certain rights, but only for heterosexual people. Same-sex couples who cannot marry are denied rights such as tax breaks, community property, visitation in hospitals, etc... In a country that claims to be the melting pot, the land of the free and home of the brave, we sure do hide behind traditional, conservative views sometimes. In a country that allows people to marry and divorce on a whim, yet denies people who love and care for each other the same union and rights. I am amazed by those who speak out against same-sex marriage, yet have been divorced several times, cheated on their wives/husbands, or even asked for open marriages (Newt Gingrich). "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." John 8:7.

Regardless of your views on same-sex couples, remember they are people too. Don't these couple deserve the same access to rights as others? It's time that our government and courts stopped hiding behind the guise of the 14th amendment and stand up for the rights of ALL people. I applaud the Ninth Circuit for having the gull to stand up and demand justice. Just my humble opinion. ~The Illegal Blonde

Divorce Full-Court Press

It is no secret that half of all marriages end in divorce. I mean who has not heard of Kim Kardashian's infamous 72 day marriage to Kris Humphries. But when did divorce become "news?" People get divorced everyday and it is not glamourous, happy, or all about money. Reality TV and the ease of divorce seems to have lessened the bonds and vows of marriage. Every day you hear about celebrities and their short-lived marriages and their public spectacle divorces. Demie Moore and Ashton Kutcher, Heidi Klum and Seal, Kim K., even the gorgous Olivia Wilde. But why are we fascinated with this thing that ends what is supposed to be sacred?

The truth is divorce is expensive and not only monetarily, but its taxing on a person's emotions and family. Couples going through divorce start to fight over things they never cared about simply to feel like they won. That lamp that you hated, you now cannot live without, and where you never minded his poker nights, you now claim neglect and abandonment. Now, I know that sometimes divorce is the right choice. No one should be forced it live in violent or abusive conditions (either physical or emotional). And no person has to forgive someone who cheats on them. But what concerns me more, are the people who just suddenly realize they didn't think the whole marriage thing through. I admit, the transition from relationship to marriage is tough, especially the first year. But that doean't mean the whole marriage will be that way. So many people give up before they have really given it a try. A good marriage takes work. It should not be entered into lightly, but once you have you have the duty to really try and make it work.

I admit its hard to know what you are really getting into when you get married. No matter how long you date someone, there is just something different about being married. There is compromise and a certain period of getting used to each other. You are sharing everything with one person. You have to give up a little bit of your independance in order to make it work. I think this scares so many people. They jump in because they are in love, but then they are faced with living with the same person everyday and adjusting to that person's strengths and weaknesses. Even the most perfect couple will admit they have struggled at some point in their relationships.

Perhaps in today's world of instant gratification and on demand entertainment people can take the easy way out--divorce. It's easier to run from problems, rather than face them head on. I mean how many of you have start and ended a fight over text message or email rather than face to face because it was easier? Social media has allowed our society to become less about interpersonal relationships and intimate conversation. I am amazed at how much faster I can accomplish things by simply walking up to the person and getting the answer from them face-to-face.

 So I challenge you to not engage in the hype of divorce. Don't read the tabloids that expose someone else's pain. Think hard about it before you enter into the sacred bond of marriage. Try to solve problems or issues face to face. ~The Illegal Blonde