Pink Elephants

I'm living with a giant pink elephant in my room. It followed me from my apartment to my new house. It sits in the bedroom and watches me sleep; cooks dinner with me; curls up on the couch and watches TV with me--its a parasite sucking the life out of me. Her name is depression.

She comes and goes from time-to-time--hell even moment-to-moment. Sometimes she forces candy and cookies down me or sits on my chest and doesn't allow me to breathe. She taunts me and holds me down when I try to get out of bed. Sure, I can overcome her most days. I simply push forward until she moves because I have to. I cannot sit in bed all day, or eat til I'm 150 pounds-- I have to function. I have to eat, sleep, workout, work, take care of puppies. I cannot shop her away, though I have tried.

People ask if I have talked to her, asked her why she was here. I look at these people dumb-founded, like WTF? As if you have no clue why I would have a giant pink monster following me around for the last eh, 9 months of my life. yeah I seem to have it altogether, what else am I supposed to do?

I cannot crack at work, cannot lose it with my friends, I have to function and appear normal. I am she-woman, remember? The truth is, I have suffered from this looming pink elephant most of my life.

I have tried therapy, counseling, meds, praying, writing... I have turned towards my friends and family more, but its still hard. I mean its hard to call someone and say I have no reason why I am down, I just am and I need to cry, wanna listen? I know I have people who would do this for me, but it seems so weak. Its seems silly, or worthless. I feel ashamed, dumb and embarrassed.

I remember when I first told M I was depressed. He looked at me like I was some strange being from outer space. He scoffed and acted like only crazy people said that. I  mean, he had never met anyone who was depressed. I think this is when I started to hide it more. I became more introverted. I stopped sharing my feelings and it got worse. I fed my depression with negative thoughts and trying to be what he wanted. I know he just did not know how to cope with it. But it only made me drown more.

Post-D, I have swam better some days than others. I have been able to tread water. Holding myself up and trying to take deep breaths. I have turned upward instead of inward. I have relied more on friends, but its still hard. There are just those days when that pink elephant seems to hop on my back and hold me down.

I haven't gotten "real" here in while. Well, this is about as real as it gets. I am 3 1/2 months post-D and still just trying to keep my head afloat. I have thoughts of what if, or did I do the right thing. I miss parts of my old life and let my head get filled with woulda, coulda, shoulda. I lose sight of what lies ahead. I turn away from those people who love me and care about me because I don't want them to see me suffering. I run in fear from new things that seem to good to be true. I fear a repeat. I stand looking at my life and wonder why? And how. How did I get here. Why did things not go as planned? What do I do now?

I stand at a precipice and I can either jump or be transfixed in time. I can  unleash the elephant or carry it forward. But right now, I just have to get through today.