Dating After The Big D

This is a touchy subject. You would think that its my life, therefore my dating life. Oh the contrary my friends, on contraire! Seems everyone has an opinion regarding my post marriage life. And not just on dating, they have opinions on everything from homes, lifestyle, spending, clothing , thoughts, you name it, I have heard an opinion on it. But we are here to talk about dating.

First of all, let me put it on the record that I had not really dated since I was 23. Yup, I met M when I was barely 23. He was basically all I knew for 7 years and most of my real adult, post college life. He shaped most of my thoughts regarding grown-up relationships and my self-esteem as a young woman. So, when I found myself suddenly single again, I was at a loss for how to do it again. But that gets ways ahead of the story.

First, I have those that think I should not date, well  not any time soon. Yes, I should sit, stew, "get over it" "deal with it" or my personal favorite "figure out who I am." I get where these people are coming  from. They want me to have time to heal and really look at myself and see where I am, who I am, and what I truly want in someone. I lost so much of myself during my marriage that they just want to ensure that I am looking for someone who fulfills the real me.

But come on, I am 30! I cannot just sit on my butt and wallow. These people would also have me just not do anything sometimes I think. They fall into the do go out, don't hang out with guys alone, just hang out with groups and your girlfriends. Well this is all fine and dandy, except most of my friends are either married or coupled up. So.. yeah of course its a little hard. And who wants to sit alone by yourself. I am 30 people not 50! I am young, no children and for once in my life can pretty much come and go as I please.

Next we have the people who think I can date but don't get into anything serious. I'm with these people, I can grasp where they come from a little more. Get your feet wet, see what you like, but be careful not to rush into something just to satisfy your comfort. These people kind of go with the get it out of your system people. Those who think I should just jaunt around town coming and going as I please with whomever cause I can. In general, this group thinks I just need to be single and have fun to avoid any emotional attachment too soon. Its hard people. You find someone you really like and connect with them and you want to see where it goes. Its in our nature to couple-up and be monogamous. So, while I understand where this groups means well, its hard to follow through and let's face it, I was never the "player" type. I tried, it failed miserably. But, I do feel like this group has some good thoughts. ( I mean I just moved again, bought a house and work has ramped up, so I am a little overwhelmed too say the least.)

We have the you need something totally opposite from M. People, M was not a monster. Sure we had our differences and there were things (obviously) that I couldn't live with (literally) but I fell in love and married him for a reason. I was drawn to him for lots of reasons. So to go totally opposite from him would be asking me to find someone I am not compatible with. Yes, I need to look for someone who has things he did not, but let's not go from what I am naturally attracted to, to well I dunno, the hard-core punk type ( no offense to you all, just not my thing). I will always be attracted to athletic-build, sports-loving men. Its just what I go for. However, I do need one who wants to make me his number 1, who can live with every college football game every Saturday, and wants a Jesus-centered relationship.

Then there are those who weigh in regarding whether I should date someone who is divorced, single, has kids, is older, younger, etc... than me. Ok, so let's face it, I am kind of an old-soul. I grew up way before my time and tend to gravitate towards older men. So, how old is too old? I mean, 35? 37? 43? 52? Yes, these are the ages of men who have pursued me. ( I know you see 52 and think what?) This is a story for a whole other blog. But the point is, how old is too old? I mean when we get into the 40's my thoughts are, well if you have kids they are approaching teens and do you want more kids? cause I want my own. Then you get into the 52 year old and he has daughters closer to my age than I am to his. Mid-30's they have little kids. Ok, so again, do they want more? Or why are they single if they are not divorced?

I am ok with kids. Bring on your own kids I will grow to love them as my own--you just have to want or be able to have more. (Yes be able to... what is with men and having their manhood taken away who want to date 30 year old women?). If you know anything about me, than you know I want to be a mom more than anything in the world. And I want that with my own, not that I will not love yours, but I want to have my own little ones to raise and screw up. But what about your kids that are older? Will they accept me? Will they see me as the other woman? Will they hate me? I think about all these things.

Age - so hard here. I mean I don't want or need a sugar daddy, but then again men my age I tend to worry about sometimes. I mean why are you single at 30-something? Do you have the I am just never getting married and will waste your time attitude? Are you flawed in some way that I cannot see until a year in? Are you annoying as all get out? 10+ years older than me and I am like what do we have in common and why on earth are you dating someone half your age? And what do I look like? Gold-digger? or perhaps I am the old soul that completes you?

And when did dating become all texts and social media heavy? I mean call a woman. And how do you find people? Online? (yes I have gone there), church, grocery store, bar, mutual friends... Its not like I am in college and these things happen organically. At least I can quasi-screen these people via FB....

But mostly, I have realized in all this dating is that it will have it ups and downs. I will falter, fail, screw up, move too fast, move too slow, jump too quickly, look like an idiot,  and I am scared. Scared I will make a mistake, find myself back in the same place I am now. If I have said it once, I have said it a thousand times I am the master of self-sabotage. I find something good and out of fear screw it up. I find myself doing the I am not good enough, or the what-if dance. I self-doubt and self-hate and end up in a mess. I want to be loved. I want to get married again and have children. I want someone who wants me--plain and simple.

So, what do you think? Advice? Thoughts? People you think I need to meet? lol. Happy Hump Day all!