Closing Doors, Opening Windows

It's with sorrow that I am writing my last post on Illegally Blonde. It's been a wonderful, wild, glorious last three years of blogging here in this space of the inter webs. I have shared my first years as baby lawyer, the ups & downs of my marriage and divorce, finding new love, and changing jobs.  This blog has allowed me to grow as a person. I have shared my love, my faith journey, my trials and tribulations. I have made some wonderful friends and formed last friendships. I have met some of you IRL and have memories to last a lifetime. I have met my BOFF, Jessica, Jenn Neely, and Amber. This is what blogging is about. It's about finding yourself, exploring your passions, and friendship. But this is not the end of me. I'm not leaving blogging, just making a few changes. See, where God closes one door, He opens a window. I hope to see you in my new window of the world tomorrow. I have all kinds of exciting things happening in my life and can't wait to share it with you.

5 on Friday

It's Friday! Its supposed to be 80 here today and well this week managed to turn out alright! Like...

1. March Madness - This is the first year in forever I am not a basketball widow. Yup! Nope man has deserted me for Vegas to watch copious hours of basketball in a smoky casino sports book with his BFF. Nope, I filled out my bracket, by myself, (not that Ohio St. or Cincinnati did me much help) and I don't plan on watching one solitary moment of basketball!

2. I came home to these babies on my doorstep! Made my little heart so happy. What is better than flowers? Flowers from one of your BOFF!

 3. Lattes, when I can make them from the comfort of the Keurig in our office kitchen.... I love the Gevalia mocha lattes!

ignore that my mousepad is nasty we had a coffee incident

4. SPRING! As in its finally looking like its lovely face will stay for more than 24 hours! Rain, shine, as long as its above 32!

5. Food! Yup, its amazing. This is perhaps the first time since hmm 2006 that I have just not worried so much about food. Yes, I watch what I eat, and only indulge when it matters, but I do not count every calorie, look at every fat gram, weigh myself 3-4 times a day, and oh I eat! Like 6 times a day. Its freeing to not see food as the enemy anymore! I let myself splurge every once and while, don't shame run 4 miles when I eat bread or dessert.... Who knew life could be so good and I would actually look better than I did 10 pounds ago!

5 on Friday

Today I want to share something special with you all. As I approach the 1 year mark of the Big D, I am reminded of how far I have come. However, I know I would not have made it without some important people. So, today I share with you 5 of the most influential people in my life the past year.


1. V&D - yeah they can count as 1.I have had the unconditional love and support of these two people for well with V as long as I can remember and with D since I was 18. They have shared my ups and downs, triumphs and sorrows, the good, the bad, the ugly. They are there to give me the truth, even when I don't want to face it.

2. Aunt K. Its funny to think I used to be scared to death of this woman! I mean literally scared the snot right out of my young little nose. But she is someone I have grown to respect. She challenges me to think and act far beyond my wildest dreams. I have grown to look forward to our monthly lunches and I know that even when I don't tell her, she knows what is really going on in my head.

3. KW or K as I think I have called her. This woman is awesome. She is truly the epitome of what it means to be a lady, a Christian and a friend. She has walked with me through so much of my professional life and now has been a steadfast guide as I have renewed my walk with Christ and ventured into the unknown of being single again. She is a listening ear, a helping hand, a shoulder to cry on and the speaker of truth. God truly knew what He was doing when He put us both in that summer clerkship.

4.My guy friends. I know this sounds silly, but I have been gifted some pretty awesome men in my life. Some I had had for ever, others since law school and others have made their way into my life via other avenues. But, they have been wonderful. From sweet texts of encouragement, to reminding me that I am still worthy and beautiful, to mowing the lawn, fixing stuff, sending flowers (or fruit) to just reminding me that not all men suck.

5. Jenn, P!nky & Jessica. I have developed such a wonderful and unique friendship with these three women via this little piece of the interwebs. Though I have only met Jess in person, and hopefully the other two soon.... They are friends. They know so much about my life and have taken a vested interest it amazes me. They laugh with me, cry with me, share in my joys and sorrows. We have shared a miscarriage, a baby, a wedding, homebuying and soon another wedding. Its more than a superficial commenting, its a friendship.

This is Why We're Friends

I have the best group of girl friends. We're a mix of sorority sisters, friends from college, fiancés of husbands, and younger sisters and her friends. We have grown and changed over the years, but its moments like last night that explain our friendship.

I was sitting at le guy's post workout, and we were just talking about our days and how he was feeling ( he's been under le weather). Then my phone chirped at me. I looked down and saw it was from one of my friends. I picked it up and this is how the exchange went:

 

I died laughing. When I got home and was laying in bed, I reread our text exchange and smiled. I mean, so ridiculous, yet so .... us. Our next adventure, Rodeo Purple at the Fort Worth Stock Show and Rodeo tomorrow! Yes, totally cliché, totally TCU and Texan. Anywho, just a shout out, I have the best friends!

Life Ain't Sunshine & Roses

I had a conversation yesterday with someone who, well means the world to me. I sat and listened to them. They sounded just like me. I have sat and said so many of the same things. "I don't understand how I got here" "Why would anyone want me" "I'm afraid I'll screw it up" "What if things don't work out?"

 

Wow, how many times had these same words passed through my own lips, or been memorialized on paper in my journal or blogs. How often have I sat in my office and cried because I just didn't want to do "this" anymore. (don't ask me what "this" is, but its just this, ya know). How many times had I sat in city group and been jealous of these wonderful couples and thought why can't I have that? or why don't I get what I want? How often have I sat at home and just wallowed in my own self pity.

 

I have embraced my depression, my anxiety, my worrywhortness, my pessimism and that life isn't fair. Life is just this crazy thing we get to endure each day. Yeah, I have good days and bad days, I have wonderful minutes and cry the next. I can go weeks without thinking about M and then all of a sudden it hits me. One day I'm ready to move on and the next I am running like a bat out of hell to avoid anything close to a relationship.

 

As I listened to my friend's words and I offered advice I was kind of taken aback at myself. Here I was telling them my advice. How you have to just stop worrying about everything and just live. That life isn't fair, it isn't perfect and you cannot control everything. When did I become this person? When did I realize all this and when the heck will start taking my own advice?

 

I guess I had not realized how far I have come. Yeah, I still have some sh!tty days (i.e. yesterday when I just wanted to jump in a hole and pull the hole in with me), but life isn't all that bad. Yes, I am still angry with how things have transpired, yes I doubt and wonder and run and tend to stay guarded. But I have also seen the wonder and glory of God. I have been shown grace and given grace and will continue to see it.

 

I have seen God at work in the little ways. He has placed people in my life just when I need them--some permanently and others just a passing lesson to be learned.  I have been amazed by His capacity to love, comfort and ease my pain. I have "bought in" so to speak. I have embraced that for those things we cannot explain, the struggles, suffering, pain, hard-learned lessons, He is behind them, charting our paths.

 

The more I talked to my friend, the more I realized that though life may not be fair, its not all that bad when you stop trying to control everything and live. And truly live, let life take you where it wants, let people in, open your heart--learn to love again.

 

So, if you're reading this today friend here is what I know:

 

You are sweet and kind, smart and funny, and you have a great capacity to love, not only others, but yourself. Its easy to look backwards and think life seemed grand, but the past is just that, what you have now is the future, this vast, blank canvas ready to be filled with whatever you want. Sure, its scary because you don't know where to start and have no clue how it will end, but the joy is all the moments in the between--life. I see you not as you do, but through His eye, a precious gift that has been given to the world and to me. So, don't think what if (insert any array of awful things that could happen) and think what if (insert array of all the good things). Have a little faith and know, I am here for you even when you say nothing at all--I love you.

 

All You Need is Love

Yea I know its cliche and all, but I am a sucker for it... LOVE. And before you all think I am about to delve into some mushy story about how I love storybook romances and have always wanted the fairytale, I am talking about the love you feel when surrounded by family and friends. Yesterday I was lucky enough to get to celebrate the life of Nannie. Now she is not my nannie, and you guessed it, I am not even related to this woman by blood or marriage, but the joy I felt when she started to sing Happy Birthday to Me... is indescribable. Nannie is amazing, she is happy, loving, and just about the most fashionable lady I know! So it should be no surprise that about 20 people, lots of whom are not related to her, gathered yesterday to celebrate her 88 years... though she would be quick to remind you that her birthday is technically Tuesday.

The Birthday Girl

Valentine's Card Time

As I stood around Mrs. M's kitchen yesterday and looked around, I was reminded how much love can do. I saw the love between husband and wives, most of whom have been married once and for many year. I saw the love between siblings, mother and child, friends, cousins and the love between friends. The people in that room share a love for each other that is like no other. It warms your body on a cold day and refreshes your soul after a tough week. It is proof that All You Need is Love. ~The Illegal Blonde

Friends