No One Said it Was Easy

Life came to a head last night. Right there on my front porch steps in the humid Texas heat, mosquitoes biting with tears rolling down my face. I sat there and asked the unanswerable question: Why? It was quickly followed with the inevitable how? How and Why did I get here, ya know the proverbial here.

I took a quick inventory of where my life is, and while its not bad, its not what I dreamed it would be. See when I was a little girl, I had this dream to be normal. Normal, you ask. No one is normal. Yeah, I get that. I know no one is really "normal." But to me, normal was this seemingly Utopian life I would never get to taste. I have spent my whole life in pursuit of normal. You know, married 2.5 kids, 2 dogs and a house. American dream: normal.

So, I lived out life trying to get to normal. I made good grades, was president of anything I could get elected to, did well in every thing I pursued. Sure, I screwed up from time-to-time, we all do, but I did it all in the name of normal. I wanted to have a normal boyfriend, relationship, etc... so I did what they wanted. If they wanted pretty, I was pretty, if they wanted smart I was smart, if they wanted fun, I did the fun things. I adapted, changed and formed myself into whatever was normal for Mr. Right Now. But for me, he was always Mr. Right. Because having Mr. Right meant I was normal, right?

In college I just wanted to be normal. Sorority, clothes, shoes, purses, anything that would make me fit in and not stick out. Do right, be right, achieve right so that I would just be normal.

I hid so much of my life for so long because it wasn't normal. It wasn't normal to have a convict for a father, or to come from a single-parent home where eviction notices were the norm. It wasn't normal to shop the clearance rack instead of having name-brand jeans, shoes and purses. I didn't even know what most of the "in" brands were until I was 23! I never dreamed of wearing, let alone owning anything with those two letters on it: LV, or red-soled shoes.

But, now, I realize there is no normal. I don't come from the image of family togetherness. My family is chosen, and in a way handpicked me instead of getting stuck with me via birth. I know that my first marriage failed because of several reasons, but one of which was I wanted so much to be normal, that I missed being myself and falling in love with someone who was what I needed and now what I wanted. I realize that I envy my friends who have their extended family surrounding them at every turn because I will never know what that feels like. I realize I am not normal,  I am only me: stubborn, hard-headed, rule-following, insecure, silly, control-freak me.

No one said life would be easy, and no one warned me the pursuit of normal would only lead me further down the twisty, windy road that is unique.

Happily Ever

So last Friday came and went. I did not lose it, cry myself to sleep, or do something dumb like call or text. Maybe it was because I was in DC surrounded by BOFF and her family, or because my feet hurt so bad from walking our nation's capital all day, or perhaps its because I am happy.

Yeah,  happy. That word that seem to allude me for so many years. Was I a happy child? I think so, at some points. Teens? Surely no. College? There were moments. Law school? Seriously? My 20's? Yes and no. Happy. Its just not a word I ever associated with me. Content? yeah, I often just felt content. But is content enough?

I admit, I have always been one of those girls who believes in Prince Charming, fairytales and happily ever after. I think growing up in a disjointed home can do that to you. My journal, thoughts, and wishes were for "normal," whatever the heck that meant. But to me, normal meant marriage, house, kids, 2 dogs, good job, want for nothing, surely no divorce--normal. I look back and can see so many things, choices, decisions that I made because it was on my path to normal, my pursuit of something better than what I knew growing up. I tried so hard to control, force, push, and where did it land me? I settled for content. Now, don't get me wrong, I loved and still love M. He will always be a part of me, and I don't regret my life with him for one moment. But. had I known then what I know now, I can't say I would have made the same decisions. In fact, I had myself convinced that I was never to know happiness, that somehow I was missed when the happy fairy waved her magic wand.

Then I realized that happy isn't what I thought it was. Its not sunshine, lollipops and cupcakes (although those things make me happy). Its waking every morning knowing  my wrongs have been forgiven and I have a new day granted to me to begin again. Its accepting my faults and shortcomings and striving to do better. Its putting aside myself wants and needs for others. Its being ok in the wilderness knowing He will lead me out of it, in time. Its accepting the things I cannot change and relieving myself of the burdens of others that I was never meant to carry. Its opening my heart and letting someone in, and I mean really in.

No, I have not stopped believing in fairytales, its just that my definition and picture of what one is has changed. See, in every fairytale, Disney story or lifetime sappy movie, what we forget is the struggle. Each character suffers from some trial, tribulation, pain. They suffer through to the ending, to their happily ever after.

I no longer look at my suffering as punishment. No, its merely party of my journey, its the curves, turns, and twists on my fairytale--to my Happily Ever.

5 on Friday

Today I want to share something special with you all. As I approach the 1 year mark of the Big D, I am reminded of how far I have come. However, I know I would not have made it without some important people. So, today I share with you 5 of the most influential people in my life the past year.


1. V&D - yeah they can count as 1.I have had the unconditional love and support of these two people for well with V as long as I can remember and with D since I was 18. They have shared my ups and downs, triumphs and sorrows, the good, the bad, the ugly. They are there to give me the truth, even when I don't want to face it.

2. Aunt K. Its funny to think I used to be scared to death of this woman! I mean literally scared the snot right out of my young little nose. But she is someone I have grown to respect. She challenges me to think and act far beyond my wildest dreams. I have grown to look forward to our monthly lunches and I know that even when I don't tell her, she knows what is really going on in my head.

3. KW or K as I think I have called her. This woman is awesome. She is truly the epitome of what it means to be a lady, a Christian and a friend. She has walked with me through so much of my professional life and now has been a steadfast guide as I have renewed my walk with Christ and ventured into the unknown of being single again. She is a listening ear, a helping hand, a shoulder to cry on and the speaker of truth. God truly knew what He was doing when He put us both in that summer clerkship.

4.My guy friends. I know this sounds silly, but I have been gifted some pretty awesome men in my life. Some I had had for ever, others since law school and others have made their way into my life via other avenues. But, they have been wonderful. From sweet texts of encouragement, to reminding me that I am still worthy and beautiful, to mowing the lawn, fixing stuff, sending flowers (or fruit) to just reminding me that not all men suck.

5. Jenn, P!nky & Jessica. I have developed such a wonderful and unique friendship with these three women via this little piece of the interwebs. Though I have only met Jess in person, and hopefully the other two soon.... They are friends. They know so much about my life and have taken a vested interest it amazes me. They laugh with me, cry with me, share in my joys and sorrows. We have shared a miscarriage, a baby, a wedding, homebuying and soon another wedding. Its more than a superficial commenting, its a friendship.

Its Ok to Cry

this face

So work has been stressful as of late, as in the kind where you have so much going on you think your head might explode, but you know its good because you're busy and one minute its 8am and the next 5:16pm... yeah that stress. Or the kind where the house you bought becomes a living nightmare of constant repair and a drain on your wallet, but you keep telling yourself its a good investment, kind of stress. Or the kind where you look down at your sweet sleeping, dreaming pup and remember how your ex used to talk to her like she was a human and a huge tear rolls down your face which turns into buckets and huge throat clenching sobs, kind of stress.

And those tears and sobs turn into questions, and the questions turn into prayers and at some point you fall asleep and wake up to a new day, the sun creeping over the horizon and that sweet puppy face inches from you and realize those tears were not in vain, the fears not unheard and the prayers not unanswered. And much like the rains of April usher in May's blooms, the tears will wash away your fears and stress and angst and make way for a new season of your life.

Yes, its ok to cry.

When to Shut Up

I am on a perpetual quest. My mission, collect as much information as I can about what I want to know and use it to control predict the future. Yes, ladies & gentlemen (if there any of you out there reading this), I am a woman and I have this intense need to  talk about my feelings and yours. I will ask you asinine questions, pepper you with "what if's" and "how do you feel about...." I will tell you my life story, life plan, timeline, how I feel about just about anything there is to feel about in an attempt to make you then pour our your heart and soul so I am not caught off guard or enter into the land of the unknown--you know that land where you have to actually just let life happen and see what the future holds for you? Yeah, that really scary one where I end up frustrated, confused or hurt.

See, I am that species of woman who had this grand plan for her life and could just "see" it all unfold before her eyes, until it didn't and I turned into control freak woman who will scare away the ever elusive "good guy" because of complete insecurity complex. Yes, people, I need to learn  when to shut up.

But in all honestly, I know where this stems from. I was that woman who thought she could change man, that marriage would all of a sudden produce this man who put me before him, did sweet little things just  because, and well caused a complete 180 attitude change. I ignored the cautionary
"you cannot change him." So now, I am so scared to end up there again, or not get what I want from life that I have turned into overbearing, let's make up problems and issues so we can talk about them woman.  I.AM.SCARED. Yup, scared. Not of moving on, or a new relationship, but that it will turn out like the last. That I will somehow find myself in the same situation and then end up alone again and more heartbroken than before. I want so much for my plan to get back on track that I am driving people nuts.

I know I can't control life, its outcome, and especially other people. I know that, I hear it, I understand it, but I do an awful job of living it out. In my mind life is pretty simple, find a good thing, and do whatever you can to keep it; make a plan and stick to it; and don't stall, keep moving forward. I move at warp speed and have to remember not everyone does and if I don't slow down I will miss lost of life experiences along the ride.

A lil Reflection

I know I have talked about how different my life is from a year ago, but I had some great reflection time last night. I had a friend over who is contemplating a divorce and so we sat down to talk about everything from how she felt to the legal issues concerning it.

I listened to her talk about how she felt and I interjected with my own experiences and thoughts. We have so much in common, not only with our marriages, but our past experiences and lives. Often I see so much of my 22 year old self in her. I want to hug her and hold her and tell her she is so young to be so miserable. Yet, I know how that feels so I just listen. I was raw and honest with her.

Divorce sucks. Its like having a death in your family. You ache like you have never known, and its literally a physical ailment. You second-guess, feel shame, guilt, you reason with yourself and often run and hide. People, especially your spouse think you just woke up one morning and said I don't want to do this, let's divorce, simple. Its not simple. It hurts just as much to be the one who files as the one who receives the papers. It was something I thought about long and hard and sought counsel on from those I love. I wrestled with it emotionally and spiritually. I ache for her. I know the sorrow and strife she has bottled up in her. I know how this is eating her alive and yet making her dead inside.

I have been asked if I regret it or would change how it happened and that is just the opening of can of worms and caused the butterfly effect. Sure, I could see how time might have helped or let us "fix" things,  but at the end of the day I knew in my heart and soul that we just didn't work, we were not fixable to the extent I needed in order to be truly happy. Now, all you marriage lovers can say I didn't try hard or that marriage is work and no marriage is perfect, I hear you and I know that. But I also know that its not worth being miserable, depressed, and empty inside for someone. At 30, I was too young to spend my life trying to fix something that should not have been broken so quickly and so easily.

As I listened to her I heard her say the words that I clung to and helped me be at peace with my decision "It shouldn't have come to this." Yes! I wanted to scream. I had often told M this and felt this way, that only when I got upset enough or actually filed, did he want to fix things, work on them and show me he could love me well. It was too late. How could he not see that his wife had long left her body and only an image of her remained? How did he not reach out sooner and say where did YOU go? There are a million reasons why, and none of them is right or wrong, but at that point I was too far gone and no essence of me remained to salvage the relationship we had for 7 years.

So, as I sat and reflected and remembered all those emotions and feelings I felt at peace. Do I still have moments of what if? Yes I probably always will. Will part of me always love him and care about him? yes, and that's ok. But now, the woman I am faces each day knowing that I have peace in my decision and God has greats plans for me. He has given me angels in the form of friends and family  to show me what true everlasting, unconditional love looks like.

The Tough Stuff

I admit the past couple days have not exactly been all sunshine and roses. Add in the abysmal rain and dreariness and its just been flat out hard to find a reason to jump out of bed in the morning. I have had a lot on my plate as of late and trying to juggle several balls has caught up to me. I am frustrated.

Yup, just frustrated. Are things bad? No? Are things perfectly the way I want them? No, and therein lies my frustration. See, I am a control freak. I want things to go according to my perfectly thought out plan and I want them to go that way... Now. Funny that life does not work that way. In fact, it seems life is the antithesis to any of my perfectly laid out plans.

I think my past experiences has aided in this pursuit of perfection. For so long I felt out of control when it came to life decisions and even little things like what to eat for lunch. I try to micromanage and that failed miserably. Then I was in a marriage that was seemingly perfect from the outside, but inside was a constant battle. My opinions were not valued, my voice silenced and my plans placed second to his. I was so tired of wanting that I just gave up. I quit caring. So, after my divorce I went into control overdrive. I could now control everything from where I lived to what I did each waking moment. I felt freedom in this until I realized I could only control my own actions. I wanted so much to control everything: M's feelings, work life, dating, other's perceptions of me, etc.. you get the point. I was trying to be the mastermind of the universe. I failed miserably again.

So, why do I return to this place? Because I am not perfect. I will experience times of frustration, pain, and suffering. But I can rest in knowing that He is always present in this and when I turn to Him, I will find comfort. I also know that keeping that frustration bottled up does me no good and only breeds hostility towards those I love.

I want life to move at my speed, which tends to be warp-speed. I want things to go and go now, move and move quickly, and be in line with my timeline so to speak. I was humbled last night at Redemption Group when we recounted the story of the Israelites continued sin time and time again after God shows them grace... I was like come one people get with the program. And then I realized I was quite the hypocrite. I am guilty of this as well. I balk when things do not go my way, or more often, I run. Rather than face the problem or have that tough talk I tend to just say never mind, this is too hard or not going my way so I would rather not endure it. But now, I can see that if I stick with it, repent, confess and have those tough moments, I can rest in His will and plan and just let life play out.

He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
    I will be exalted among the nations,
    I will be exalted in the earth.”

Psalm 46:10

Life Ain't Easy: 31 Days of Lessons

Today is hard for me. For the first time in 7 years I will not celebrate M's birthday with him. I can recall every birthday from his 26th to today, his 33rd. I remember every card, every present, cupcake and brownie with ice cream.

It reminds me how different my life is from one year ago today, or how different it will be in 12 days when I celebrate my birthday. Yes, this year will be different. Holiday traditions will change and I will be reminded in January that my marriage ended. I admit I texted him this morning just to say hello. It seemed so cruel not to, but at the same time, a reminder of what has transpired in the past year.

So, in light of this past year of change I have decided to participate in 31 Days with Nester.

The point? 31 days of writing about something that you want to write about. I thought about this a lot... 31 days to share with you all something about me. I thought about my faith, my daily laughs, food, working out, etc... but instead I decided I would share with you 31 things I have learned over the past year. The good, the bad, the funny, the hard, here is 31 Days of Lessons.

Day 1: It's Ok to Cry

I have always cried.  I have cried when I am happy, sad, upset, frustrated, etc.. you get the point. But I have learned its ok to cry with others. Let them see your pain. I am not good at letting people see me hurt or not "perfect." I had to learn that crying helps you let go of the pain and hurt.

If I could Turn Back Time

Yesterday in my brief post I posed a question to you all about what you would change in your life. A lot of you, well excuse my rudeness, totally copped out and said nothing... I say you all took the pageant patty approach and said the PC thing. One of you said you would have left your ex sooner... kudos to being honest.

I can look  back on my life and say wow, had I only or if that would have gone this way or that... its easy to say and I know where you all came from that said you would not change things because its led you to the here and now. I'm there, I get it. Although at times I still struggle, I know that my life today is better than it was a year ago. I am stronger, more confidant, have a renewed sense of purpose and meaning and my walk with the Lord is as strong as ever.

But, just for argument's sake, if I could turn back the clock to say, umm first year of college and wow how different life would be. I could have stayed with Robby my high school bf and the person I followed to TCU. I imagine how different my whole 4 years at TCU would have been. I probably would not have done orientation staff or travelled to London my senior year. I probably would have been married right out of college and not competed at Miss Texas.

This would totally change the course of my life. I would not have the same friends, my sister would not be my sister, I would not have ended up at law school, not married to M, not living back in Fort Worth in my house that still has the critter in it... and I would not have the amazing people in my life whom I have right now.

Even if I just go back 7 years ago to when I met M and changed that... or left him the million times I saw the signs or had I just not gotten  back with him in law school.... where would I be?

The truth is, our stories, our journeys are pre-charted, pre-destined... ordained so to speak. Each decision, turn at the fork in the road it designed to lead us to a certain place and time. This resonated so much with me after last night's Redemption Group. I thought about how many times I try to control things and life and force life into my little pigeon-hole of perfection and comfort, and how He constantly pushes back at me, overtly saying I am bigger, I am in control.

I am taken back to a speech my brother gave when we were in elementary school and he competed in the oratorical competition one year: These two words put together often to mean I could have, I should have, but I procrastinated and didn't: If Only.

if only... small words... so much in them. But today I have decided I will only live for today. I will be thankful for the blessings in my life, relish the glory that is each sunrise, each meal, each breathe, every smile and nod hello, every kiss upon my forehead or arm around my shoulders, even each task at work. See each of these moments it my chance to  live out His plan, for His glory. So I chose not to rewrite my story, but instead change my heart.

Its a Purple Kind of Day

Ya know its going to be a good day when you wake up the sun is shining and its Game Day... well except that some creepy man parked behind my backyard last night and I had to call the cops to come check it out and was up til 2am  because I was rather freaked out.... Did I mention that I was then up at 5:30 am to workout because its umm Game Day and there will be game watching this evening. People have asked me if I am torn as to whom to root for... I get that I attended law school at this other institution that we will play this evening, but people, I bleed purple! And since its Thursday and a Go Purple one at that here is a lil throwback fun of my twirling days at TCU.

my last game ever to twirl at was a basketball  game, and that is the illustrious V, coach & just wonderful woman

This was 2003 SMU/TCU game and that was the BF at the time

But, back to my regularly scheduled post. I saw this wonderful lil ditty over on Helene's site and it just stuck with me. If you know me well, you know that I am a writer, but that I also love to write poetry and song. I use music to express so much of my life and feelings. I have often shared some songs with you all that epitomize my life at the moment. So, here are the songs that define me:







Uptown Girl - no joke my second grade boyfriend Lee Davis made a mixed tape with this on it for me on Valentine's Day (he totally sang on it too) and it has kinda been a mantra for me. I did not come from anything so it always surprises me when people think I am so "uptown" but I suppose its as much an attitude than anything. Act classy, be classy. But I have always been drawn to the hardworking guy, perhaps its because I have always worked hard for me stuff.


Girls Just Wanna Have Fun - I mean come on, how does this just not get you in a good mood.


Holy Water - If ever a song defined my life and struggles and journey, its this. I come to this song when I am lost and alone and need Him to pick me back up. This song reaches so many levels of my life.



Listen - This song got me through my divorce. If I could sing it to M I would everyday. It just puts me in a good mood now. It just defines how I was at the end of my marriage and now coming into my own. I often feel like its me singing this. Strange. I used to get so mad at M when I heard this song and wished he would have just listened to me for so long. Now I can see that I needed to listen to myself.


Ready to Love Again - I shared this one not too long ago, but it defines where I am today. Though I still have some pain and hurt and I always will I know that I am ready to open my heart again and let someone else in. Sure, I will always love M, its inevitable, but I know that God has placed people in my life to show me that I deserve to be loved and to love someone unconditionally.

Life Ain't Sunshine & Roses

I had a conversation yesterday with someone who, well means the world to me. I sat and listened to them. They sounded just like me. I have sat and said so many of the same things. "I don't understand how I got here" "Why would anyone want me" "I'm afraid I'll screw it up" "What if things don't work out?"

 

Wow, how many times had these same words passed through my own lips, or been memorialized on paper in my journal or blogs. How often have I sat in my office and cried because I just didn't want to do "this" anymore. (don't ask me what "this" is, but its just this, ya know). How many times had I sat in city group and been jealous of these wonderful couples and thought why can't I have that? or why don't I get what I want? How often have I sat at home and just wallowed in my own self pity.

 

I have embraced my depression, my anxiety, my worrywhortness, my pessimism and that life isn't fair. Life is just this crazy thing we get to endure each day. Yeah, I have good days and bad days, I have wonderful minutes and cry the next. I can go weeks without thinking about M and then all of a sudden it hits me. One day I'm ready to move on and the next I am running like a bat out of hell to avoid anything close to a relationship.

 

As I listened to my friend's words and I offered advice I was kind of taken aback at myself. Here I was telling them my advice. How you have to just stop worrying about everything and just live. That life isn't fair, it isn't perfect and you cannot control everything. When did I become this person? When did I realize all this and when the heck will start taking my own advice?

 

I guess I had not realized how far I have come. Yeah, I still have some sh!tty days (i.e. yesterday when I just wanted to jump in a hole and pull the hole in with me), but life isn't all that bad. Yes, I am still angry with how things have transpired, yes I doubt and wonder and run and tend to stay guarded. But I have also seen the wonder and glory of God. I have been shown grace and given grace and will continue to see it.

 

I have seen God at work in the little ways. He has placed people in my life just when I need them--some permanently and others just a passing lesson to be learned.  I have been amazed by His capacity to love, comfort and ease my pain. I have "bought in" so to speak. I have embraced that for those things we cannot explain, the struggles, suffering, pain, hard-learned lessons, He is behind them, charting our paths.

 

The more I talked to my friend, the more I realized that though life may not be fair, its not all that bad when you stop trying to control everything and live. And truly live, let life take you where it wants, let people in, open your heart--learn to love again.

 

So, if you're reading this today friend here is what I know:

 

You are sweet and kind, smart and funny, and you have a great capacity to love, not only others, but yourself. Its easy to look backwards and think life seemed grand, but the past is just that, what you have now is the future, this vast, blank canvas ready to be filled with whatever you want. Sure, its scary because you don't know where to start and have no clue how it will end, but the joy is all the moments in the between--life. I see you not as you do, but through His eye, a precious gift that has been given to the world and to me. So, don't think what if (insert any array of awful things that could happen) and think what if (insert array of all the good things). Have a little faith and know, I am here for you even when you say nothing at all--I love you.

 

How do you Know?

How do you know?

Its when you wake up and realize how far you have come? When you is the real you and not the person you became. When you have embraced the fact that not everyone will be like him and you do not have to be like that you. Is it when you have given yourself enough time to recover, to grieve, be angry, scared, upset. It is when you know the person you are today, is truly the person you are.

How do you know?

Its when the feeling of guilt goes away. When that person who used to be one-half of another person lets you go. When that guilt loosens its grip and say to you, its ok. Is it when you stop feeling like you are a bad person for finding something or someone that makes you happy.

How do you know?

Is it when the anger subsides and the bitterness slides away? Is it when you no longer them all as evil and exploding canons waiting to hurt you? Is it when you say his name and anger no longer quells in your heart.

How do you know?

It is when you finally stop thinking of your life in terms of when M and I or "we" used to, or man this one time... or in "our" house. Is it when you finally lay his ghost to rest, when you put that part of your life away.

How do you know?

Is it when you are happy... on your own. When you can fill up your own time with things you like and are content. It is when you sincerely enjoy your life as you, and not one-half of another person. Is it when you are not trying to fill that void, but are looking to complement you.

How do you know?

Is it when you can do things alone? Eat, movies, go out, sit at Starbuck's and read.... alone. When you have filled your life with His love and not his love.

How do you know?

Is it when you are emotionally ready? When you have found resolve in your situation and have decided to live in the now and not in the past? Is it when you let your guard down? When you don't suspect every person will be just like him. Is it when you can see that most people are inherently decent, loyal, loving and are looking for you just as ardently as you are looking for them? Is it when you trust you heart to someone else?

How do you  know?

Is it when you don't compromise anymore. Well you do but not the things most important to you. When you  can put your foot down early and say, no, this isn't what I want. When you realize you cannot change them and that's ok. Is it when you can see that you do not have to give up what you really want for someone else.

How do you  know?

Well, you just do. It may take some time and trial and error and you may hurt people along the way. You may revert into old habits, move too fast, move too slow, take 5 steps back for every forward, but then you get it. You stop pushing on the proverbial "bruise" on your heart and realize its not there.

How do you know when you're ready to love again?