Happily Ever

So last Friday came and went. I did not lose it, cry myself to sleep, or do something dumb like call or text. Maybe it was because I was in DC surrounded by BOFF and her family, or because my feet hurt so bad from walking our nation's capital all day, or perhaps its because I am happy.

Yeah,  happy. That word that seem to allude me for so many years. Was I a happy child? I think so, at some points. Teens? Surely no. College? There were moments. Law school? Seriously? My 20's? Yes and no. Happy. Its just not a word I ever associated with me. Content? yeah, I often just felt content. But is content enough?

I admit, I have always been one of those girls who believes in Prince Charming, fairytales and happily ever after. I think growing up in a disjointed home can do that to you. My journal, thoughts, and wishes were for "normal," whatever the heck that meant. But to me, normal meant marriage, house, kids, 2 dogs, good job, want for nothing, surely no divorce--normal. I look back and can see so many things, choices, decisions that I made because it was on my path to normal, my pursuit of something better than what I knew growing up. I tried so hard to control, force, push, and where did it land me? I settled for content. Now, don't get me wrong, I loved and still love M. He will always be a part of me, and I don't regret my life with him for one moment. But. had I known then what I know now, I can't say I would have made the same decisions. In fact, I had myself convinced that I was never to know happiness, that somehow I was missed when the happy fairy waved her magic wand.

Then I realized that happy isn't what I thought it was. Its not sunshine, lollipops and cupcakes (although those things make me happy). Its waking every morning knowing  my wrongs have been forgiven and I have a new day granted to me to begin again. Its accepting my faults and shortcomings and striving to do better. Its putting aside myself wants and needs for others. Its being ok in the wilderness knowing He will lead me out of it, in time. Its accepting the things I cannot change and relieving myself of the burdens of others that I was never meant to carry. Its opening my heart and letting someone in, and I mean really in.

No, I have not stopped believing in fairytales, its just that my definition and picture of what one is has changed. See, in every fairytale, Disney story or lifetime sappy movie, what we forget is the struggle. Each character suffers from some trial, tribulation, pain. They suffer through to the ending, to their happily ever after.

I no longer look at my suffering as punishment. No, its merely party of my journey, its the curves, turns, and twists on my fairytale--to my Happily Ever.