In An Instant

It’s the snap of your fingers, the blink of an eye--that fleeting moment. It’s the minute when you stare into space and hours seem to pass. The here, the now, and the then.

Life. In the grand order of the universe, our life on Earth is a mere flash. 

The choices and decisions you make each day create an impact. They not only affect you, but those around you. What you set into motion through one word, one step, or one knowing look matters.

Everyone experiences those moments in life when the world changes. Time stands still, the breeze motionless and nothing stays the same. It just takes a second because it all changes, in an instant.

Life Ain't Easy: 31 Days of Lessons

Today is hard for me. For the first time in 7 years I will not celebrate M's birthday with him. I can recall every birthday from his 26th to today, his 33rd. I remember every card, every present, cupcake and brownie with ice cream.

It reminds me how different my life is from one year ago today, or how different it will be in 12 days when I celebrate my birthday. Yes, this year will be different. Holiday traditions will change and I will be reminded in January that my marriage ended. I admit I texted him this morning just to say hello. It seemed so cruel not to, but at the same time, a reminder of what has transpired in the past year.

So, in light of this past year of change I have decided to participate in 31 Days with Nester.

The point? 31 days of writing about something that you want to write about. I thought about this a lot... 31 days to share with you all something about me. I thought about my faith, my daily laughs, food, working out, etc... but instead I decided I would share with you 31 things I have learned over the past year. The good, the bad, the funny, the hard, here is 31 Days of Lessons.

Day 1: It's Ok to Cry

I have always cried.  I have cried when I am happy, sad, upset, frustrated, etc.. you get the point. But I have learned its ok to cry with others. Let them see your pain. I am not good at letting people see me hurt or not "perfect." I had to learn that crying helps you let go of the pain and hurt.

Starting Over

I loved my girl's weekend like so much and it was such a blessing to be with them when I needed them the most. However if I was asked one more time if I was ok I thought I might puke. I know they care, but lord what do you think I am going to say? I'm horrible I want to shrivel up in a hole and die? Yes people I am indeed ok...  Which leads me to this post: starting over.

How do you start over? How do you begin again at 30? I know people say their 30s are the best of their lives, but what do you do when your life re-begins at 30? What do you do after 7 years of having one constant person in your life? What do you do when you want to call them because its natural? Or when you cry or are happy, sad, mad, tired etc...? How do you go about weening yourself off of that crutch? Do you ever?

How do you trust yourself again to make good decision? How do you trust another person with your heart again when its so broken. When does the ache stop? When do you let yourself be totally you again and not so cautious that you envelope into a recluse? When do you let yourself truly feel again?

How do you put all your faith in the Lord to let you heal and love again? I know this road and journey will be long and arduous at times, but I am trusting He will guide my heart and mind. I trust He will place people in my life (like he has done) that will be gentle with my heart and take the time needed to let me open up and trust again.

I'm starting over at 30.

Listen

Its in those quiet moments that you can hear it. Sometimes it shouts at you and other times its so quiet of you breathe too hard you will miss it. It speaks to you, if you listen. When you find this inner voice, and I don't mean you know it exists and you  acknowledge it, but push it aside, I mean when you really listen to it, embrace it, live it, you are freed. When the voice inside your head and heart becomes the voice within your soul and it speaks melodious tones from your lips, you are You.

I was having a drink with a friend of mine last night, and as we talked and shared Christ's love with each other I heard it. It was faint. As our conversation progressed, we reminisced on how we met each other and how it was all apart of God's grand design. He knew before we did that someday the two of us would be sitting there having this conversation. He knew it would be this moment when I understood. He loves me. He suffered and died so that we did not have to. He grants us peace and forgiveness no matter what--His love is unconditional.

Which led me to love. Such a small word with so much meaning. Love, something we search for our entire lives. We do whatever we can to find it, and even more to keep it. We have this preconceived notion of what we think love is, what is looks like, acts like and feels like. We imagine it in places its is not found and force it when its not truly there. We lose ourselves in it. We lose ourselves to it.

So, later that evening when I was home alone and had time to reflect I heard it again. He was telling me its ok. Its ok to grieve, its ok to be scared and confused. Its ok to cry and be sad. See, He would heal all of these in me. I found so much clarity when I listened. I realized that when you truly give your life to Him you do not need to worry because he will provide. He will guide you, hold you, show you how to live. Its not easy and we each falter and stumble (believe me). He will always give you what and who you need in order to follow His plan for you. His plan. His grand design. Much like he gave me my sweet friend that summer, He is now giving me peace. He is showing me the love I have always craved and wanted. He is showing me what it means to be loved and shown true love. I did not have to chase it, force it, or will it--He gave it to me freely when I needed it the most.

So, what did I hear? I heard that I am a precious creature of God. I am strong beyond measure, and I have a voice, My voice and its powerful and can do great things. It should not be stifled or quieted, I should not be afraid of the words it speaks and others should Listen.

Come and hear, all you who fear God;
let me tell you what he has done for me.
I cried out to him with my mouth;
his praise was on my tongue.
If I had cherished sin in my heart,
the Lord would not have listened;
but God has surely listened
and has heard my prayer.
Praise be to God,
who has not rejected my prayer
or withheld his love from me!

~Psalm 66:16-20

 

And for those of you who need something a little more tangible:

Listen

Have you Ever?

Have you ever had one of those weeks, months, days, years where nothing seems to go as planned, and you find yourself spending $355 on dogs? (yikes I need to be a vet not a laywer)!

Seriously though, its as if I woke up one morning and life looked back at me from the other side of the bed and said "No soup for you!" So, what do you do? Cry uncontrollably on the floor of your kitchen Roll with the punches!

Start over, press rewind, take a mulligan in your life. Live in the moment, literally I am taking it moment by moment. Sometimes the moment is filled with angst, tears and fear, and others in fabulous self-exploration or with the Glory of God at work in my life.

We have become so complacent and tend to take any twist or turn as a sign of bad things to come instead of God sending a message that we have taken the road less travelled (and not the proverbial one). Its a chance to recourse and make changes for the better. Is it easy? Heck no! But anyone who told you life was easy flat-out lied to you honey! (Much in the same way our parents lie to us when they say we can be anything we want to, 'cause pretty sure I will never be a pro-soccer player or prima-ballerina or princess for that matter, Thanks mom....)

So, when you hear those words in your head, or feel that swell of overwhelming tears in your throat, don't fear. Let it out, but then use it as fuel. See it as the sign you have been given the chance to a new day.

Trying Something New

I could recount all the mundane details of my weekend for you, as most bloggers do each Monday, or I can be real, honest, and raw with you my readers.

Things have been less than perfect in my life as of late, I'm sure you all have noticed the posts that have been less than sunshine and lollipops. Truth is, life is not all dandelions and ice cream with no calories attached. Truth is, marriage is work, work is work, maintaining a healthy lifestyle and weight is work, personal happiness is work. But the key is, nothing will work in your life if you are not seeking and finding personal happiness. YOU alone are the key to your life being a well-balanced machine.

Often we, and I mean women, try to find happiness by adapting to what we "think" men or the world want or expect of us. When we date we do what he likes to do, we wear what makes him happy and often forget what we need to make ourselves happy. We do this to attract me, or friends, or well just attract about anything. We look for what is missing or for approval in our personal lives through other people.

What we should be doing is focusing inward. Looking for personal satisfaction and growth. Having inner happiness and peace. When we are honest with what we need and want for ourselves then we can make good wives, mothers, mates, friends, etc... When we achieve personal happiness we excel in all other endeavours. When we listen to our inner needs, we become whole.

So, I have been trying something new. I have been looking for happiness from within. Removing toxic people and thoughts from my brain and life. Putting God first, letting him guide me from day-to-day has allowed me to see things from a different view. I'm not saying its easy and there are times when I would rather do what is easy or fun rather than what is right and good. I stumble daily. I falter and cry. Some days are good and others bad, but its all part of a journey.

I have put myself and my needs first. What do I like to do? What makes me happy and fulfilled? What relaxes me and rejuvenates me? What books ease my mind or make me think? What drives me?

I challenge all of you to try something new. Put you first, put your life into perspective. Take a long look in the mirror and ask yourself if you are happy with you. Because you cannot make anyone else happy, you cannot fix or change anyone else, but you can make YOU the YOU.

The End of the World {as we know it}

Yeah yeah I know the world is still turning and that song is the cliche of the century today. So what did I do on my "last day on earth?" Well, I went drastic people, I'm talking waaaaay drastic!

After my hellacious morning yesterday.. if case you miss the post, it was baaad with a capital "aaad." I tried to get focused on work, but man my heart was pounding, and I think I was in full on panic attack mode. After a little chick fil-a chicken mini bisuit and some coffee, I was a little calmer and set down for a loonng day's work. I am knee deep in depo summaries, pretrial reports, discovery requests, discovery answers, trial prep..... I am on overload!

So.... back to my story.... I left the office a tad early for a little pampering, hey a girl's gotta work it in sometime. I headed to the salon! And here's where things get interesting. I knew I wanted a lil change, maybe a chocolate lowlight instead of caramel... And then I did it... I said nope, all over color! Natalie(the greates hair stylist ever) said... OK! We discussed shades, skin tones, etc.... and decided on something a little deeper in color. Alas, the Illegal Blonde is no more.... Say hello to the new me! How's that for the end of the world? Hope you all have a blessed Holiday!

I also participated in the Christmas Secret Santa Swap! I have not gotten my gift box yet, but looking forward to it! I also was a bad santa and work sucked, so the gorgeous Kaity at (Bee)autiful Blessings will be getting hers a tad late... opps! I am sorry. But please go check out kaity's blog! I love her free spirit and well just everything about her!

When Life Gets You Down

I need to vent here for a moment, so hold tight. Quit complaining people! And this goes for myself included. If you are unhappy with something, rather than stand around complaining, whining,  moping, do something. You are the controller of your destiny. I'm not saying we don't all  have the occasional bad day, unhappy thought, I'm talking about the constant moper. The person who always seems unhappy about (insert complaint of the day). If you hate your job, look for something new, if you hate your weight, get moving, eat healthy, if you hate your relationship, say something, or look at yourself and see if you are the cause of the unhappiness.

My point is, standing around discussing the same problem or issues day after day does nothing but make you more depressed and annoys me your friends. I admit I do have done this more than once. I found myself doing it just yesterday. And then I looked backed over the series of texts and thought, wow I sound depressing. But the thing is I have done nothing to change the situation I was "depressed" about. You can only move mountains if you actually stand next to the sucker and push.

Perhaps this is more than a vent and more self-reflection. Happiness is created. So, I guess I should get to moving and creating insteading of griping. Happy Tuesday everyone!

Things Are A Changin'

I have been in a rut! Yes, you heard me rut. I have eaten the same thing for breakfast since 2007, and same lunch since 2008. I do the same workouts, had my hair relatively the same, and have even shaved my legs in the same pattern since like I dunno 1994? So I decided some things needed to change, change is scary good right?

1. I decided this summer no extreme blonde highlights, I opted for copper lowlights. 
2. I did not do cardio first in my morning workout! I went not to the second level to hop on the dreadtreamill, I stayed in the weights and got my lift on, then embarked upon my cardio session. Goal: get in my optimal fat burning zone!
3. I got microdermabrasion and a Retin A peel. My skin has been looking blotchy, ruddy, zit-proned. So I grabbed a super great Groupon and took a chance! Loving the results BTW. Basically I have a whole new face with minimal side affects (little red and some peeling)
4. I am starting the Tone It Up plan! I was turned on to this site by Leslie over at The Bargain Blonde, seriously check chica out, she rocks! anywho, she blogged about this amazing site and needless to say I was hooked. I bit the bullet and got the plan. Check it out!
5. I am letting things go! From the things that hubs does, to annoying people in general! I do not need any more stress in my life, so if you rub me the wrong way, I'm not letting it bring me down!

So, here is to embracing the change, in with the new, old with the tired and weary!