No One Said it Was Easy

Life came to a head last night. Right there on my front porch steps in the humid Texas heat, mosquitoes biting with tears rolling down my face. I sat there and asked the unanswerable question: Why? It was quickly followed with the inevitable how? How and Why did I get here, ya know the proverbial here.

I took a quick inventory of where my life is, and while its not bad, its not what I dreamed it would be. See when I was a little girl, I had this dream to be normal. Normal, you ask. No one is normal. Yeah, I get that. I know no one is really "normal." But to me, normal was this seemingly Utopian life I would never get to taste. I have spent my whole life in pursuit of normal. You know, married 2.5 kids, 2 dogs and a house. American dream: normal.

So, I lived out life trying to get to normal. I made good grades, was president of anything I could get elected to, did well in every thing I pursued. Sure, I screwed up from time-to-time, we all do, but I did it all in the name of normal. I wanted to have a normal boyfriend, relationship, etc... so I did what they wanted. If they wanted pretty, I was pretty, if they wanted smart I was smart, if they wanted fun, I did the fun things. I adapted, changed and formed myself into whatever was normal for Mr. Right Now. But for me, he was always Mr. Right. Because having Mr. Right meant I was normal, right?

In college I just wanted to be normal. Sorority, clothes, shoes, purses, anything that would make me fit in and not stick out. Do right, be right, achieve right so that I would just be normal.

I hid so much of my life for so long because it wasn't normal. It wasn't normal to have a convict for a father, or to come from a single-parent home where eviction notices were the norm. It wasn't normal to shop the clearance rack instead of having name-brand jeans, shoes and purses. I didn't even know what most of the "in" brands were until I was 23! I never dreamed of wearing, let alone owning anything with those two letters on it: LV, or red-soled shoes.

But, now, I realize there is no normal. I don't come from the image of family togetherness. My family is chosen, and in a way handpicked me instead of getting stuck with me via birth. I know that my first marriage failed because of several reasons, but one of which was I wanted so much to be normal, that I missed being myself and falling in love with someone who was what I needed and now what I wanted. I realize that I envy my friends who have their extended family surrounding them at every turn because I will never know what that feels like. I realize I am not normal,  I am only me: stubborn, hard-headed, rule-following, insecure, silly, control-freak me.

No one said life would be easy, and no one warned me the pursuit of normal would only lead me further down the twisty, windy road that is unique.