being fearless

Today I am happy to be linking up with my friend Liz @ The Fitness Blondie to share my story.  If you have never visited her blog, well you should. She is an amazing woman who has gone through a transformation through diet, exercise and the right mindset. But today, we are sharing out stories about how we live fearlessly.

I have shared my story about why I went to law school here & here before. Those two posts were perhaps the hardest and most raw posts to write. They put so much of my life that I tried so hard to hide for so many years.

I was taught as a kid to not tell people about my father, or share my story about what we endured. It could "ruin my reputation" or cause people to not like me. So I walked around ashamed for so many years. It made me bitter. Holding onto that kind of pain and anger for so long takes a huge toll on a young girl, teen, and young woman. It wasn't until I was 22 that I really started to speak out. I no longer saw my father's choices as a reflection on me. What he did had nothing to do with the woman I was becoming.

But, the damage was done. The years of having no closure, not talking about it, and living in secret made me insecure. As I really began dating and getting serious with M, I turned into someone who needed someone. I had conjured up this fairy tale in my head about what the perfect life would be. I wanted so much to be normal, but I didn't know what normal was. I wanted to get married, have kids and live this life I never had. I went on a downward spiral where I became needy and dependent on someone for my happiness. Don't get me wrong, I loved M with all my heart and he is a huge reason I am the woman I am today. He showed me that I was better than where I came from, he loved me despite my past, and always saw something in me that I could never imagine. He wanted what was best for me when it came right down to it. He pushed me past my limits and challenged my idea of life, family and friendships. He showed me that I did not have to be the family doormat. (now Im not saying he went about it the right way all the time, but it came from a loving place).

Eventually, I realized I should be proud of who I am. Where I came from is nothing to be ashamed of. What I endured--my life experiences and journey have made me this Fearless woman. Sure, I have failed and faltered along the way, but every misstep provided me an opportunity to redirect and begin again. It as the same with my divorce. I was ashamed. How could this happen to me? This was not what I ever imagined my life would be like at 31. But, its life. Things happen. It doesn't mean I am not worthy of love, or that I didn't love M or that I am branded for life with giant scarlet D, it just means I have the chance to begin again.

I know that life will never be perfect, and I will continue to struggle with insecurities and issues, but I am now equipped with the tools to deal with anything. I know I have nothing to fear, but fear itself and God.

I am a 31-year old, divorced lawyer, mother to two furbabies and I am Fearless.