I admit the past couple days have not exactly been all sunshine and roses. Add in the abysmal rain and dreariness and its just been flat out hard to find a reason to jump out of bed in the morning. I have had a lot on my plate as of late and trying to juggle several balls has caught up to me. I am frustrated.
Yup, just frustrated. Are things bad? No? Are things perfectly the way I want them? No, and therein lies my frustration. See, I am a control freak. I want things to go according to my perfectly thought out plan and I want them to go that way... Now. Funny that life does not work that way. In fact, it seems life is the antithesis to any of my perfectly laid out plans.
I think my past experiences has aided in this pursuit of perfection. For so long I felt out of control when it came to life decisions and even little things like what to eat for lunch. I try to micromanage and that failed miserably. Then I was in a marriage that was seemingly perfect from the outside, but inside was a constant battle. My opinions were not valued, my voice silenced and my plans placed second to his. I was so tired of wanting that I just gave up. I quit caring. So, after my divorce I went into control overdrive. I could now control everything from where I lived to what I did each waking moment. I felt freedom in this until I realized I could only control my own actions. I wanted so much to control everything: M's feelings, work life, dating, other's perceptions of me, etc.. you get the point. I was trying to be the mastermind of the universe. I failed miserably again.
So, why do I return to this place? Because I am not perfect. I will experience times of frustration, pain, and suffering. But I can rest in knowing that He is always present in this and when I turn to Him, I will find comfort. I also know that keeping that frustration bottled up does me no good and only breeds hostility towards those I love.
I want life to move at my speed, which tends to be warp-speed. I want things to go and go now, move and move quickly, and be in line with my timeline so to speak. I was humbled last night at Redemption Group when we recounted the story of the Israelites continued sin time and time again after God shows them grace... I was like come one people get with the program. And then I realized I was quite the hypocrite. I am guilty of this as well. I balk when things do not go my way, or more often, I run. Rather than face the problem or have that tough talk I tend to just say never mind, this is too hard or not going my way so I would rather not endure it. But now, I can see that if I stick with it, repent, confess and have those tough moments, I can rest in His will and plan and just let life play out.
He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.”
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.”
Psalm 46:10
Oh, friend. We are seriously so similar in the things that we struggle with. Every time I read a post like this from you, I feel as if I could have written it myself. Every day, I find myself fighting my own control freak tendencies. It's truly a daily battle for me. I always think that I know best, and I stress myself out trying to plan my life out to the 't' instead of just enjoying the here and now. This said, I completely understand where you are coming from. And I will be praying for you - and for me - so that we can both hopefully just learn to do as God says and be still. Love that verse!
ReplyDeleteStillness is so hard to find and listen to but it is so gratifying once we are still. Good for you for realizing your tendencies and for asking for God's help :)!
ReplyDeletexoxo
I feel like I have struggled (and still do, with a lot of this). I was definitely the person who didn't confront things because I didn't want to deal with it. But things always got worse, or I ended up in situations that were not healthy for me.
ReplyDeleteThere are always going to be trying times, but you figure out who you are, and make you the best you, by going through and learning from it all!
I feel the same way... I struggle with depression and just feeling restless in my life. Just know you aren't alone!
ReplyDeleteI struggle with this so much. My dad is always telling me to "Let go, and let God" and it's something I still can't do. I need control over every little aspect in my life, and it's exhausting. Praying for you, friend!
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