Love

Today I devote a little post to Love and relationships. I am  hooking up with Taylor from the Daily Tay to tell you why me and my significant other, well just work. But first, I bring you this. Not only is February Black History Month, but its a month to remind us to love one another.

 

So.... my significant other and I are like peas in a pod, bread to my butter and He holds the key to my soul. He loves me like no one else can, and sees me like no one else does. He never judges me, always forgives me, and continuously grants me grace. He guides me with His gentle whisper and forces me to face my darkest hour, and always has a firm hand on the small of my back to steady me when seas are rough. His love is unwavering and unconditional. He finishes my sentences and answers my prayers. He never turns His back on me, even when I turn my back on Him. He is my ray of sunshine on the gloomiest of days and the warmth on my cheeks in the deep of winter. He fills a whole in my heart that no one else dares touch. He loves me on purpose and chose me--adopted me as His own. His love is perfect.

         

For your steadfast love is before my eyes, and I walk in your faithfulness. Psalm 26:3

The Tough Stuff

I admit the past couple days have not exactly been all sunshine and roses. Add in the abysmal rain and dreariness and its just been flat out hard to find a reason to jump out of bed in the morning. I have had a lot on my plate as of late and trying to juggle several balls has caught up to me. I am frustrated.

Yup, just frustrated. Are things bad? No? Are things perfectly the way I want them? No, and therein lies my frustration. See, I am a control freak. I want things to go according to my perfectly thought out plan and I want them to go that way... Now. Funny that life does not work that way. In fact, it seems life is the antithesis to any of my perfectly laid out plans.

I think my past experiences has aided in this pursuit of perfection. For so long I felt out of control when it came to life decisions and even little things like what to eat for lunch. I try to micromanage and that failed miserably. Then I was in a marriage that was seemingly perfect from the outside, but inside was a constant battle. My opinions were not valued, my voice silenced and my plans placed second to his. I was so tired of wanting that I just gave up. I quit caring. So, after my divorce I went into control overdrive. I could now control everything from where I lived to what I did each waking moment. I felt freedom in this until I realized I could only control my own actions. I wanted so much to control everything: M's feelings, work life, dating, other's perceptions of me, etc.. you get the point. I was trying to be the mastermind of the universe. I failed miserably again.

So, why do I return to this place? Because I am not perfect. I will experience times of frustration, pain, and suffering. But I can rest in knowing that He is always present in this and when I turn to Him, I will find comfort. I also know that keeping that frustration bottled up does me no good and only breeds hostility towards those I love.

I want life to move at my speed, which tends to be warp-speed. I want things to go and go now, move and move quickly, and be in line with my timeline so to speak. I was humbled last night at Redemption Group when we recounted the story of the Israelites continued sin time and time again after God shows them grace... I was like come one people get with the program. And then I realized I was quite the hypocrite. I am guilty of this as well. I balk when things do not go my way, or more often, I run. Rather than face the problem or have that tough talk I tend to just say never mind, this is too hard or not going my way so I would rather not endure it. But now, I can see that if I stick with it, repent, confess and have those tough moments, I can rest in His will and plan and just let life play out.

He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
    I will be exalted among the nations,
    I will be exalted in the earth.”

Psalm 46:10

I'm Alright

Has anyone else heard this Jo Dee Messina song? If not, well ya should because its quite wonderful. And so am I! Yup, I mean other than a broken hot water heater, mice dancing around my laundry room and walls during the night and the occasional muddy-footed pup terrorizing my home (and white bedspread, who thought that was smart?) I am doing pretty good.

This realization came in a text yesterday. I left work and pretty much sped to yoga. Yup, I decided there was some much needed hot yoga in my future. I got out of class and saw a text from my wonderful friend K. She asked how RG group went and honestly I had to say good. It got me thinking that I am doing pretty ok these days. Sure, I have my moments from time to time (i.e. last week when I called M in a mice-induced fright), and work is busy (which is a good thing), but all in all things are looking up.

Its amazing at what happens when you stop focusing on the negative and look towards the future. I am continually amazed at the grace and power of God and His ability to heel all wounds. I am also quite amazed at myself. I had a small come to Jesus meeting with myself and it kinda did the trick. I realized I has been so focused on all the bad in my life, past, present and future, that I was being obsessed with it. I was so caught up in worry I could not see the amazing things He has been doing in my life. I had been asking Him all the wrong questions and expecting all the wrong actions.

So this is my lesson learned. I know I have so slacked on the 31 Days of Lessons. But, oh well, no one is going to die if I don't post it, there are no repercussions and its OK to not be perfect. Let Him work in your life and good things will come, I promise.

In other news: I am uber stocked for the TCU/UT game this weekend and I have some exciting news to share with you all soon. OK so two exciting things...

Have a blessed Thursday!

When He Speaks

So I had a post all planned for today and I promise to share, but then He spoke. Right there in a facebook feed, spoke to me. yeah, I know hearing voices again... but seriously, it was one of those moments where you sit there and you read something and know its meant for you. Funny because the person who posted it said the same thing.

 

"The greatest gift you can give somebody is your own personal development. I used to say, "If you will take care of me, I will take care of you. "Now I say, I will take care of me for you, if you will take care of you for me.”

 

This is something I struggled with. I took care of everyone in my life. I made sure that everyone was ok and no one was mad, I kept the peace and hated confrontation. I spent so much time taking care of others I neglected myself.

 

I ignored my feelings, my thoughts, opinions and even my health. I let myself get run down, stressed out and overwhelmed. I kept it all in and never stopped and said hey I'm suffering here. I failed to take care of myself.

 

It wasn't until months post D that I understood this. How could I love anyone else, or take care of anyone else when I failed to love and take care of me? I sought long and hard to fill the gaps and voids in my life with everything but true love and it left a gaping God-shaped hole.

 

I remember the day I got it. I sat in a Sunday service that I didn't want to be in and listened. I was angry and upset with the world and God. I was mad at my friends for going behind my back, when really they were just loving me. I was mad at the season of my life. And then He spoke. The words coming from our pastor's mouth seemed tailor-made for me. I got it. I had to love me and let Him love me in only a way He can. I had to stop trying to fill the voids with material things and let Him take control. I had to learn to love me and take care of me first.

 

That day wasn't easy by any means of the word. I hurt someone I cared a lot about when I told them I had to do what was best for me which was to take care of me. I knew I couldn't be anyone's all until I was my all. That day changed the course of my life.

 

Things began to fall into place. I stopped worrying about what everyone else thought and only worried about what He thought. I sought to please Him, which in turn was taking care of me. My world changed. I was overcome with a feeling of peace and calmness. I stopped looking and things found me. I stopped putting pressure on myself to be perfect and perfection found me. I stopped forcing life to adhere to my pace and I suddenly was in perfect step.

 

The day I realized that I could only be ready for someone when I was ready for myself changed my life. Everyday isn't perfection and I still struggle and question and hesitate, but submitting to His will for my life and taking steps toward personal growth and healing and done more for me than years of trying to control and force and chart my own path.

 

I was reminded of this last night when I saw this quote appeared. It was a reminder that I need to continue to work on my own personal development, we all do. We all have to take care of ourselves in order to take care of those we love. So, I'm listening.

 

 



Life Ain't Sunshine & Roses

I had a conversation yesterday with someone who, well means the world to me. I sat and listened to them. They sounded just like me. I have sat and said so many of the same things. "I don't understand how I got here" "Why would anyone want me" "I'm afraid I'll screw it up" "What if things don't work out?"

 

Wow, how many times had these same words passed through my own lips, or been memorialized on paper in my journal or blogs. How often have I sat in my office and cried because I just didn't want to do "this" anymore. (don't ask me what "this" is, but its just this, ya know). How many times had I sat in city group and been jealous of these wonderful couples and thought why can't I have that? or why don't I get what I want? How often have I sat at home and just wallowed in my own self pity.

 

I have embraced my depression, my anxiety, my worrywhortness, my pessimism and that life isn't fair. Life is just this crazy thing we get to endure each day. Yeah, I have good days and bad days, I have wonderful minutes and cry the next. I can go weeks without thinking about M and then all of a sudden it hits me. One day I'm ready to move on and the next I am running like a bat out of hell to avoid anything close to a relationship.

 

As I listened to my friend's words and I offered advice I was kind of taken aback at myself. Here I was telling them my advice. How you have to just stop worrying about everything and just live. That life isn't fair, it isn't perfect and you cannot control everything. When did I become this person? When did I realize all this and when the heck will start taking my own advice?

 

I guess I had not realized how far I have come. Yeah, I still have some sh!tty days (i.e. yesterday when I just wanted to jump in a hole and pull the hole in with me), but life isn't all that bad. Yes, I am still angry with how things have transpired, yes I doubt and wonder and run and tend to stay guarded. But I have also seen the wonder and glory of God. I have been shown grace and given grace and will continue to see it.

 

I have seen God at work in the little ways. He has placed people in my life just when I need them--some permanently and others just a passing lesson to be learned.  I have been amazed by His capacity to love, comfort and ease my pain. I have "bought in" so to speak. I have embraced that for those things we cannot explain, the struggles, suffering, pain, hard-learned lessons, He is behind them, charting our paths.

 

The more I talked to my friend, the more I realized that though life may not be fair, its not all that bad when you stop trying to control everything and live. And truly live, let life take you where it wants, let people in, open your heart--learn to love again.

 

So, if you're reading this today friend here is what I know:

 

You are sweet and kind, smart and funny, and you have a great capacity to love, not only others, but yourself. Its easy to look backwards and think life seemed grand, but the past is just that, what you have now is the future, this vast, blank canvas ready to be filled with whatever you want. Sure, its scary because you don't know where to start and have no clue how it will end, but the joy is all the moments in the between--life. I see you not as you do, but through His eye, a precious gift that has been given to the world and to me. So, don't think what if (insert any array of awful things that could happen) and think what if (insert array of all the good things). Have a little faith and know, I am here for you even when you say nothing at all--I love you.

 

Future!

Yup, this is seriously posted to my monitor in my office. Its from my secretary. To most its a sweet message reminding me that I have so much to live for, that my past is just that and my future is yet to done.

Its this word that drives me. Future. It also scares me. The future is that unknown universe we cannot control. Its wonderful and beautiful, yet scary and fear all rolled into one.

As I sat at City Group last night listening to our family share God's word with each other, I made a vow--I vowed to let Him win. Win might be a bad word choice, but it makes sense in my head. He is supreme--think about it, He is supreme over all. Crazy huh? We do not have to him and haw over choices and decisions because He does it for us. He gives us the tools we need to live life according to plan.

This is hard for me--the planner. I have had my life "planned" out since I was err ummm 5? I had this dream of life at 30--married, good job, house, dog(s), and kids. I had this view of this glorious life that I would lead because I had worked hard for it and designed it to end this way. I spent so much time and effort forcing and pushing and sacrificing to get this plan and to keep it on track. I went against what I knew was right and good for me and focused on the trees instead of the forest of my life.

I worshipped materialistic wants instead of His wants for me. It seems so simple, I know--just give it all up to Him and life will live itself out how it was designed. yeah I know, not so easy. We are tempted daily to divert, worship false idols (shoes, purses, etc...) and control that which we inevitably have no control over. We force ourselves into a state of panic and stress when things "fall apart." We get caught up in the little things that step in our way instead of stepping backwards and marveling at the grandeur of life.

I am guilty of this. I have dwelled on the pain of the past 5 months of my life instead of looking at what good and awesome things I have been given. I have been given His word, shared with me by His messengers. I have been provided a new start surrounded by a family of believers and a family of people who love me. I have a job where I am living out His plan; two precious pups who bring joy and show me the simplicity of green grass and sunshine on my tummy; Christian women who are showing me what a marriage is, what a wife is and how to be whole again through Him; a loving man who is walking the steps with me each day, leading with a gentle hand, forgiving heart, and patient mind; and V&D who God has blessed me with to show me the glory of love and unconditional support.

God is good. Today is good. Future looks good.