When He Speaks

So I had a post all planned for today and I promise to share, but then He spoke. Right there in a facebook feed, spoke to me. yeah, I know hearing voices again... but seriously, it was one of those moments where you sit there and you read something and know its meant for you. Funny because the person who posted it said the same thing.

 

"The greatest gift you can give somebody is your own personal development. I used to say, "If you will take care of me, I will take care of you. "Now I say, I will take care of me for you, if you will take care of you for me.”

 

This is something I struggled with. I took care of everyone in my life. I made sure that everyone was ok and no one was mad, I kept the peace and hated confrontation. I spent so much time taking care of others I neglected myself.

 

I ignored my feelings, my thoughts, opinions and even my health. I let myself get run down, stressed out and overwhelmed. I kept it all in and never stopped and said hey I'm suffering here. I failed to take care of myself.

 

It wasn't until months post D that I understood this. How could I love anyone else, or take care of anyone else when I failed to love and take care of me? I sought long and hard to fill the gaps and voids in my life with everything but true love and it left a gaping God-shaped hole.

 

I remember the day I got it. I sat in a Sunday service that I didn't want to be in and listened. I was angry and upset with the world and God. I was mad at my friends for going behind my back, when really they were just loving me. I was mad at the season of my life. And then He spoke. The words coming from our pastor's mouth seemed tailor-made for me. I got it. I had to love me and let Him love me in only a way He can. I had to stop trying to fill the voids with material things and let Him take control. I had to learn to love me and take care of me first.

 

That day wasn't easy by any means of the word. I hurt someone I cared a lot about when I told them I had to do what was best for me which was to take care of me. I knew I couldn't be anyone's all until I was my all. That day changed the course of my life.

 

Things began to fall into place. I stopped worrying about what everyone else thought and only worried about what He thought. I sought to please Him, which in turn was taking care of me. My world changed. I was overcome with a feeling of peace and calmness. I stopped looking and things found me. I stopped putting pressure on myself to be perfect and perfection found me. I stopped forcing life to adhere to my pace and I suddenly was in perfect step.

 

The day I realized that I could only be ready for someone when I was ready for myself changed my life. Everyday isn't perfection and I still struggle and question and hesitate, but submitting to His will for my life and taking steps toward personal growth and healing and done more for me than years of trying to control and force and chart my own path.

 

I was reminded of this last night when I saw this quote appeared. It was a reminder that I need to continue to work on my own personal development, we all do. We all have to take care of ourselves in order to take care of those we love. So, I'm listening.