Yesterday in my brief post I posed a question to you all about what you would change in your life. A lot of you, well excuse my rudeness, totally copped out and said nothing... I say you all took the pageant patty approach and said the PC thing. One of you said you would have left your ex sooner... kudos to being honest.
I can look back on my life and say wow, had I only or if that would have gone this way or that... its easy to say and I know where you all came from that said you would not change things because its led you to the here and now. I'm there, I get it. Although at times I still struggle, I know that my life today is better than it was a year ago. I am stronger, more confidant, have a renewed sense of purpose and meaning and my walk with the Lord is as strong as ever.
But, just for argument's sake, if I could turn back the clock to say, umm first year of college and wow how different life would be. I could have stayed with Robby my high school bf and the person I followed to TCU. I imagine how different my whole 4 years at TCU would have been. I probably would not have done orientation staff or travelled to London my senior year. I probably would have been married right out of college and not competed at Miss Texas.
This would totally change the course of my life. I would not have the same friends, my sister would not be my sister, I would not have ended up at law school, not married to M, not living back in Fort Worth in my house that still has the critter in it... and I would not have the amazing people in my life whom I have right now.
Even if I just go back 7 years ago to when I met M and changed that... or left him the million times I saw the signs or had I just not gotten back with him in law school.... where would I be?
The truth is, our stories, our journeys are pre-charted, pre-destined... ordained so to speak. Each decision, turn at the fork in the road it designed to lead us to a certain place and time. This resonated so much with me after last night's Redemption Group. I thought about how many times I try to control things and life and force life into my little pigeon-hole of perfection and comfort, and how He constantly pushes back at me, overtly saying I am bigger, I am in control.
I am taken back to a speech my brother gave when we were in elementary school and he competed in the oratorical competition one year: These two words put together often to mean I could have, I should have, but I procrastinated and didn't: If Only.
if only... small words... so much in them. But today I have decided I will only live for today. I will be thankful for the blessings in my life, relish the glory that is each sunrise, each meal, each breathe, every smile and nod hello, every kiss upon my forehead or arm around my shoulders, even each task at work. See each of these moments it my chance to live out His plan, for His glory. So I chose not to rewrite my story, but instead change my heart.
Okay fine missy, call me out already!
ReplyDeleteIf I was promised that I would still be here with C as my husband I would change the two following things.
1] I would have found internships for sports broadcasting in high school and pursued that dream.
2] I would have lived abroad in Brazil working on a mission project instead of just going for a week.
xoxo
I think we all have something we would have liked to change, even if it's, I wish I never did this, I wish I never said that, I don't think anyone lives there lives without wishing they had done something differently. I have many of them, I wished I realized sooner that I was in an controlling and emotionally abusive relationship, I wish I would have listened to the therapist when he told me that I shouldn't marry my ex husband (ha, if only...) I wished I also would have sought out professional help sooner, I was required to go during marriage therapy, and attend on a personal basis and it did wonders for me.
ReplyDeleteI was just talking to my mom about this this morning. And she said such similar words as what you've written above - she said, "One day at a time, Jessica. One day at a time." So, like you, I am reminding myself to live for today too - to not be anxious about the future (which I struggle with ALL the time!) and to give over my regrets from the past to Jesus and to leave them with him. Because I have a few.
ReplyDeleteSpeaking of which...Somehow missed your post yesterday. Heading over to read it now!