Full Circle

Today is the end of a chapter of my life. Today is my last full and official day at my firm. I admit I cried this morning at the gym then again in the shower and once more over cereal. Its sad, its scary, its just a lot of emotion going on over here.
How do you say farewell to the firm that took a chance on you as a baby lawyer and has helped you grow and learn? To say so long to people who have stood by you as your marriage ended, you bought a house, and tried to find love again? What words do you use to tell them how much they mean to you and you will forever be grateful to them for how they have touched your life.
You will miss the laughs, lunches, cake, the baby talk and all the other in between times when you have made my day livable. Thank you. Thank you for being wonderful colleagues and friends.
I know that I am scared because I have no idea what the future holds, but I know that mine is bright.

Lacking

I have sat here stating at the screen for the last umm I dunno 20 minutes trying to come up with words to write. I feel the need to be prophetic, but alas, the words are just not coming. This should be the point where I pull out some already written planned post, or find some link up to give me a prompt or motivation, but the truth is, this is just where it is this morning.

I am wordless... yes me, the one who can always find something to say is wordless... Honestly, I have been this way for a lil bit lately. I have done a lot of reflecting in the past 3 days. Reflecting on life the past year and how different it is for me. This time last year I was married, anticipating my 30th birthday and Hubs and I were trying to have a baby.... and going through the struggles of Chlomid.

My, oh, my how time flies and things change. So I'm going to leave you with this: if you could go back in time would you change anything? If you could rewrite your story how would it end?

Future!

Yup, this is seriously posted to my monitor in my office. Its from my secretary. To most its a sweet message reminding me that I have so much to live for, that my past is just that and my future is yet to done.

Its this word that drives me. Future. It also scares me. The future is that unknown universe we cannot control. Its wonderful and beautiful, yet scary and fear all rolled into one.

As I sat at City Group last night listening to our family share God's word with each other, I made a vow--I vowed to let Him win. Win might be a bad word choice, but it makes sense in my head. He is supreme--think about it, He is supreme over all. Crazy huh? We do not have to him and haw over choices and decisions because He does it for us. He gives us the tools we need to live life according to plan.

This is hard for me--the planner. I have had my life "planned" out since I was err ummm 5? I had this dream of life at 30--married, good job, house, dog(s), and kids. I had this view of this glorious life that I would lead because I had worked hard for it and designed it to end this way. I spent so much time and effort forcing and pushing and sacrificing to get this plan and to keep it on track. I went against what I knew was right and good for me and focused on the trees instead of the forest of my life.

I worshipped materialistic wants instead of His wants for me. It seems so simple, I know--just give it all up to Him and life will live itself out how it was designed. yeah I know, not so easy. We are tempted daily to divert, worship false idols (shoes, purses, etc...) and control that which we inevitably have no control over. We force ourselves into a state of panic and stress when things "fall apart." We get caught up in the little things that step in our way instead of stepping backwards and marveling at the grandeur of life.

I am guilty of this. I have dwelled on the pain of the past 5 months of my life instead of looking at what good and awesome things I have been given. I have been given His word, shared with me by His messengers. I have been provided a new start surrounded by a family of believers and a family of people who love me. I have a job where I am living out His plan; two precious pups who bring joy and show me the simplicity of green grass and sunshine on my tummy; Christian women who are showing me what a marriage is, what a wife is and how to be whole again through Him; a loving man who is walking the steps with me each day, leading with a gentle hand, forgiving heart, and patient mind; and V&D who God has blessed me with to show me the glory of love and unconditional support.

God is good. Today is good. Future looks good.