Life Ain't Sunshine & Roses

I had a conversation yesterday with someone who, well means the world to me. I sat and listened to them. They sounded just like me. I have sat and said so many of the same things. "I don't understand how I got here" "Why would anyone want me" "I'm afraid I'll screw it up" "What if things don't work out?"

 

Wow, how many times had these same words passed through my own lips, or been memorialized on paper in my journal or blogs. How often have I sat in my office and cried because I just didn't want to do "this" anymore. (don't ask me what "this" is, but its just this, ya know). How many times had I sat in city group and been jealous of these wonderful couples and thought why can't I have that? or why don't I get what I want? How often have I sat at home and just wallowed in my own self pity.

 

I have embraced my depression, my anxiety, my worrywhortness, my pessimism and that life isn't fair. Life is just this crazy thing we get to endure each day. Yeah, I have good days and bad days, I have wonderful minutes and cry the next. I can go weeks without thinking about M and then all of a sudden it hits me. One day I'm ready to move on and the next I am running like a bat out of hell to avoid anything close to a relationship.

 

As I listened to my friend's words and I offered advice I was kind of taken aback at myself. Here I was telling them my advice. How you have to just stop worrying about everything and just live. That life isn't fair, it isn't perfect and you cannot control everything. When did I become this person? When did I realize all this and when the heck will start taking my own advice?

 

I guess I had not realized how far I have come. Yeah, I still have some sh!tty days (i.e. yesterday when I just wanted to jump in a hole and pull the hole in with me), but life isn't all that bad. Yes, I am still angry with how things have transpired, yes I doubt and wonder and run and tend to stay guarded. But I have also seen the wonder and glory of God. I have been shown grace and given grace and will continue to see it.

 

I have seen God at work in the little ways. He has placed people in my life just when I need them--some permanently and others just a passing lesson to be learned.  I have been amazed by His capacity to love, comfort and ease my pain. I have "bought in" so to speak. I have embraced that for those things we cannot explain, the struggles, suffering, pain, hard-learned lessons, He is behind them, charting our paths.

 

The more I talked to my friend, the more I realized that though life may not be fair, its not all that bad when you stop trying to control everything and live. And truly live, let life take you where it wants, let people in, open your heart--learn to love again.

 

So, if you're reading this today friend here is what I know:

 

You are sweet and kind, smart and funny, and you have a great capacity to love, not only others, but yourself. Its easy to look backwards and think life seemed grand, but the past is just that, what you have now is the future, this vast, blank canvas ready to be filled with whatever you want. Sure, its scary because you don't know where to start and have no clue how it will end, but the joy is all the moments in the between--life. I see you not as you do, but through His eye, a precious gift that has been given to the world and to me. So, don't think what if (insert any array of awful things that could happen) and think what if (insert array of all the good things). Have a little faith and know, I am here for you even when you say nothing at all--I love you.