That One Time I Emailed in Anger

Here is the disclaimer to this entire post *I was sick with the flu, as in fever, shakes, throat sore, body aching, awful, flu* So my actions cannot be held against me.

So, Monday whilst sitting at my desk feeling like death warmed over, I got a little email in my inbox from one of my favorite paralegals. Its subject: Best Actress Award. Hmm interesting. I open it and proceed to read. Yes, yes, I see, I'm reading, ok, let's get to the point... Oh I see it now... Baby! Yup, baby. She is pregnant.

I know I should've been happy as a clam, overjoyed as I love her to death and was at her wedding, etc... Nope. Anger, flush of anger. It just swarmed over me. Tears welled up in my eyes and I did it, I hit forward. Yup, forward, not reply (you totally thought I replied and was mean to her? I'm not that cray). Nope, I forwarded to the ex. Yes M. Lord help me!

I emailed in anger. I forwarded that email to M and was angry at him. Yup, 30 year old, baby crazy me. I cannot believe I just admitted to doing this... I have a half a mind to delete this whole post as I am pretty sure anyone who reads it will turn and run. But, ya know what, its the truth. I realized it wasn't M I was mad at, it was the ugly head of jealousy abounding.

It wasn't her, it was what it symbolized to me. How would she, who got married after me and makes less than me (reason M wanted to wait apparently we just didn't have enough $) get what I wanted so much? Why? I realized I was angry with life and Him.

I stopped, shocked and appalled at myself for sending the email and realized because that wasn't His plan. My life is supposed to take a different road. Funny how things turn out. I took about a million deep breaths and hoped M would not reply... (He totally did and wasn't mad, probably because he knows me too well). I apologized blamed my fever and went home.

On my drive I thought about it again, why I was upset. I mean, had I continued to be stuck in the place with M I would never have been truly happy. I would have gone through the motions and built up more and more anger. I would not have found my wonderful church home, let new friends into my life and opened my heart to feeling & loving again.

Things will happen when they are supposed to. You can't rush them, push them, or force them. They will be scary, like scare the  H E double hockey sticks out of you. But you can either stand still too scared to move or jump in the water and see where the tide takes you.

In a funny end to this story, I had to run to Sam's Club later that day to pick up ice cream for our city group block party. I could not find my card. So I went to customer service for them to look me up. They could not find me. I had to call M to get the number of the account. Talk about eating humble pie. He was sweet and gave the number to me.

Moral of the story, don't email in anger and laugh at yourself.