"Good" in Goodbye

I was running this weekend when this song came on my ipod. I admit I never paid much attention to the words until it was just the pavement and me. I often use my runs as time with God and my thoughts. I get a lot of thinking done and usually gloss over the songs on my headphones. Somehow though, this one rang threw loud and clear.

I stopped in my tracks (partly from the song partly from the extreme hangover I was nursing) either way, I was taken back and heard Him speaking to me. Yup, right there between the heat, my headache and Camp Bowie, I got a sign that I needed more than I knew.

For so long I was angry with everything: M, God, life, and myself. I couldn't comprehend why I was in this state of unrest, suffering, discontent. I kept asking why... why now, why did this happen, why give me a taste of what I wanted so much growing up only to take it away. I doubted His path. I doubted my decisions and actions. I found myself struggling to say goodbye.

Sure, I had let go of what I thought my life would be, but I had not let go of what I thought I deserved and wanted. Somewhere in the back of my mind I just kept thinking I would wake up and the past months would be a dream. I could not see the "good" in goodbye.

So, again I just stopped for a moment and let tears roll down my face and I got it. Life is full of choices, decisions, chances and goodbyes. But, just when you think you have been looked over and left again, you find yourself given that window, that light. I know I wrote about this last week, but there it was again this resounding voice telling me it was ok to say goodbye and be happy. I was so afraid saying goodbye meant it was all for nothing.

M will always have a place in my heart. He, for better or worse, helped shape so much of who I am now. He taught me to stand up for myself, to go after what I want and allowed me to see that I was pretty and worth more than I gave myself credit for. Those are the good in my goodbye.

People come and go in our lives. I remember by first boyfriend, Lee Davis, circa 1st grade Miss Lingo's class. I was smitten. He even made me this fab mixed tape for Valentine's Day in the third grade (he sang Uptown Girl to me, so romantic). My point, is, when he broke up with me I was devastated, but that led me realize that goodbye is not a bad thing. Its just opening a new door. That first goodbye allowed me move on and learn how to deal with each subsequent relationship in life, both romantic and otherwise.

So, yes I thank God I didn't get what I thought I deserved because He has a different plan for my life. Amazing what you realize somewhere between a hangover, a good run and a perfectly timed text. This may not be what I thought, but the good has shown itself to me in the form of awkward moments, apologetic texts, miscommunication, and a mocha frappacino.

Here's to finding the good in my goodbye.