Playing the Christmas Game

I had a moment in church today. It had been a couple weeks since I had been due to work, icemaggedon and such. I realized it had been a month since my last Redemption Group meeting. I had been going through the motions for the last month or so. I was tired, confused, angry, exhausted and honestly, just kind of "over" it all.

Its so easy to get this way, apathetic and vaguely Christian. Part of it stems from the grueling 10 weeks of RG and reliving every moment of the past 10 months of my life over and over again; part of it stems from not wanting to give up what I know I should and lay down for what I know is right; and part stems from the hustle and bustle that has been my life as of late. So, as I sat there listening, I realized our pastor was speaking to me. My hardened, cold heart was much like the Disciples in Mark when they again asked what they were to eat with only one loaf. I have seen the Lord do so much in life the past 10 months, yet when I was tired and no longer wanted to listen I turned away. Did He? Did He turn His back? No. He never left the Israelites side as He led them out of Egypt, yet I did when other things got in the way.

I think this time of year its easy to lose sight of what it's all about. We get tied up with buying the perfect gift for everyone on our list, getting the Christmas cards out and to everyone who sends us one, to attending all the parties and baking the perfect treat. Have we decorated just right? Have we the best meal planned; plotted out how to see everyone that day.... Its exhausting. Its so much and yet, every year we all indulge in this game of "Christmas."

When I got home I reflected a lot on this. Am I guilty of playing the game? of engaging in feel theology and vague Christianity? Duh! We all are. But what have I done to change this? What have I done to truly thank Him and show my gratitude for all the blessings in my life? I sat down on my couch and began to cry. I cried for the past year of my life, for M, for my future and for forsaking Him when I should have been turning towards Him. The tears turned into sobs and the sobs gave way to pleading and then into prayer.

I am by now means perfect, nor the perfect example of the Christian life, but I am trying. I made a list of all the things that I needed to reprioritize and then slept. I realized I had been so exhausted from trying to keep up with the Game, that I had neglected what was important: myself and Him.

So, today, thing about "the reason for the season." Stop playing the game for a moment and reflect on why we do it. Commit yourself again to putting what is right first and know that even if you do or don't tie the perfect ribbon upon your gifts, if its not done for His glory, it means nothing.

I leave you with a quite by C.S. Lewis our pastor shared with us:

"The Christian way is different: harder, and easier. Christ says “Give me All. I don’t want so much of your time and so much of your money and so much of your work: I want You. I have not come to torment your natural self, but to kill it. No half-measures are any good. I don’t want to cut off a branch here and a branch there, I want to have the whole tree down. I don’t want to drill the tooth, or ...crown it, or stop it, but to have it out. Hand over the whole natural self, all the desires which you think innocent as well as the ones you think wicked—the whole outfit. I will give you a new self instead. In fact, I will give you Myself: my own will shall become yours.”

It is both harder and easier than what we are all trying to do. You have noticed, I expect, that Christ Himself sometimes describes the Christian way as very hard, sometimes as very easy. He says, “Take up your Cross”—in other words, it is like going to be beaten to death in a concentration camp. Next minute he says, “My yoke is easy and my burden light.” He means both.” - CS Lewis

Sunday Kind of Love

I'm sitting here Sunday preparing for the week, ya know... laundry, cleaning, meal prep, dog walking, yard work.... all the sexy things. As I was reflecting on my weekend and watching numerous reruns of Devious Maids (lord I am addicted to it) I got to thinking about how for the first time in a very long time I am happy. I was trying to think about something for me to complain about and nothing came. Sure work has been super busy and stressful, but that's life and sure I am driving in overspeed towards my 31st birthday, but I am ok with it and sure I am unmarried with a mortgage and two dogs, but it makes me happy.

This is my life lately. I.AM.HAPPY!!!!

I began a 10-week program through my church this weekend called Redemption Groups. Its described as the rest stop along the highway of living out the gospel. A Redemption Group is an intense small group that digs deep into difficult and seldom-discussed areas of life, such as abuse, addiction, and trials of all sorts. The participants are in the midst of all sorts of struggles and sin from addictions, eating disorders, abuse, marital struggle, pride, and self-righteousness. I laugh at the term rest stop as I don't feel restful, but I get it.

The weekend starts with each of us telling our "story." Imagine a room full of people you don't know baring it all--the good, the bad, the ugly and the shameful. All.Out.There.

Its emotional and exhausting and emotionally exhausting, but I am excited. I am excited to see how the Lord works in my life the next 10 weeks. I am eager to see what He shows me and tells me and hoping He will further open my heart to him.

I have been extremely loved as I begin this process. My city group and church family have poured love in my heart and have been so supportive. I have also found support in the people I hold close.

Its what got me thinking about love and good ole Etta James popped into my head. We all want it. That Sunday Kind of Love. We search for it, hope for it and many even Pray for it.

For some of us we have thought about it since we were little girls, playing wedding or coupling up at school. We put posters of boys on our walls and draw hearts and flowers and pretend writing their last name with our first... (ok so I may still do this...) But the thing is, we want it, crave it, need it to feel complete. Love that is true, genuine and lasts through Sunday. Real, honesty unconditional Love. Christ's love.

I have found that love. Its wonderful. It wraps me in its arms at night, kisses me good morning, holds my hand and fulfills me. Its real and raw. It knows all my secrets, fears and insecurities and continues to love me. Its a love like no other because it asks nothing in return. Its my Sunday Kind of Love.

Entitled

I had every intention of blogging for Blogtember again today as I love a good creative writing prompt, but then life got in the way and work ate me for lunch and dinner and so I sat frustrated last night in city group. I arrived in a huff after a hellacious day, a horrible trip to the store and a half done breakfast pizza in hand. Flustered is an understatement.

I shleffed through conversation as we sat and ate and caught up on everyone's week. I laughed and giggled a little with our host's son, who just brings joy to a room, but I just was not right. I found myself jealous at the growing pregnant belly on one of the girls and knowing there was another one soon to be popping and just tried to smile. I was disgruntled with the smiles of the faces around me and just was not very inspired by the sermon last week, so all in all I just felt like it would have been better for me to sit at home and rest.

Urg....As we begin to talk about the sermon and delve into Mark, I felt myself come around a little. The topic: scandalous grace and one-way love. One-way love... this is so hard for me to give and receive.

It is hard for me to think that people just love me for me and except nothing in return. I often turn down things from people because I do not want to feel obligated to them or I constantly feel like I cannot say or do anything to upset them after because I "owe" them something.

On the flip side, I expect other people to love me or care for me a certain way. I excpect my mother to love me like a "mother" should. You know, you feel entitled to be cared for the way you think that should look like. We expect our spouses, friends, significant others to love us how we need to be loved. We feel entitled.

When Jenny said that I was dumbfounded. Entitled... Ouch, it stung in my soul. That was it. That was what got to me. I feel entitled. Not that I should be given certain things for praise for a job well done, but entitled to be loved a certain way.

I feel like my mother, brother, family should love me like a "family" should (you know conjure up the Walton's or the Brady Bunch). I feel like my friends should know when things are wrong and include me in things to show they care for me and love me. Even as I walked into my CG last night I felt entitled for them to see how frustrated and down I was and love me.

I listened more to what Jenny was saying and thought about it. Does Jesus expect me to do, act or be a certain way to earn His love and Grace? No... that is the whole meaning of scandalous grace. Its meant for those who are dirty, broken and seemingly unworthy of love, forgiveness--grace. Does Jesus feel entitled to my love? For me to love Him a certain way? Of course not. He gives me this love and grace and steadfast support no matter what I do or so in return. I can forsake Him any number of times and He is still there, every present and ready to continue to love me.

So why do I feel entitled? What about our society has made us so selfish that we feel that we are owed anything by anyone? Why is one-way love so hard for us? No one can love and care for anyone perfectly, except Him.

We cannot love our family, friends, spouses exactly how they need. Sure we can try and we accommodate that, its part of compromise and a healthy relationship, but its not the giving of this love we struggle with, its accepting it. Its saying this is the love this person has to give me, just as He provides and I need to accept it for what it is and be thankful I have it.

Shedding that sense of entitlement is no easy task and I don't think you can truly escape it. It creeps in so easily much like greed and envy.

As I got in the car last night and drove I began to cry. Part of it was pure exhaustion and stress and part of release of emotion. The tears fell and I prayed. I asked for forgiveness and thanked Him for continuing to love me perfectly--perfectly scandalous.

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast. Ephesians 2:8-9.

Blogtember: One Moment in Time

Tuesday, September 10: Describe a distinct moment when your life took a turn.

 

 

 

Wow, one moment? one distinct moment in which my life took a turn... I could describe a thousand moments from choosing TCU, coming home from London instead of staying, leaving my job in Austin for TCU, choosing Tech for law school and my marriage, the Big D... but the one moment that has taken my life on a totally uncharted path all started with a message to K on gchat about church.

 

A couple weeks later I had lunch with her and shared what was going on in my life with her and that Sunday I met her and her hubs at The Paradox. Looking back I had no idea how much my life would change or how God was literally pushing me forward towards this. I can't even remember why I asked K about it, I just was compelled to do so.

 

My faith had always been important to me, but I admit I strayed from it after law school and during my marriage. It was hard because M was not religious at all, nor raised that way, so it was often easier to just become a holiday Catholic. Yes, I prayed and had my quiet devotional time with God, but it wasn't the same as having that constant Christian family surrounding  me. Little by little, I just gave up on trying to get M to come with me and I quiet going altogether.

 

So, back to my story... I showed up at The Paradox with full warning from K about how things would be and how it would be different than what I was used to. I admit at first it was strange. The music was different, the people were different, the message was different, heck I was wearing jeans. I looked around and just felt home. I was amazed at the glory of God inside this small ballroom, filling people with joy. It wasn't the typical Mass scene where everyone went through the motions and couldn't wait for communion so they could sneak out.

 

The people were compelled by Christ, moved by His spirit and wanted to be there.

 

I joined K and B that Wednesday for City Group and I was just hooked. I felt most at peace when I was surrounded by the people here. Sure, I was scared and often didn't say much when we sat down to discuss that week's sermon or subject matter, but I felt safe. Each week I felt more and more called to open my eyes, ears and mostly heart to the truth spoken and the message  put forth. Some days I think it was just comforting that no one there "knew" my struggles, they just knew me. The more they got to know me and my story, the more they loved me and cared for me and truly became my family.

 

I know my turning to Him during my divorce was shocking to some people. I know I had experienced some pushback and worry from people very close to me. I know they just worried about me and mostly hoped I wasn't being swept up into some sort of cult. Cult... I looked up the word cult:

 

5

a : great devotion to a person, idea, object, movement, or work (as a film or book); especially : such devotion regarded as a literary or intellectual fad

 

b : the object of such devotion

 c : a usually small group of people characterized by such devotion

 

Well, if my devotion to Christ and His beliefs are bad, then I guess I'm going to hell heaven.

 

My point, that moment, the one where I decided that my life could go one of two ways and I choose the road less travelled, the harder course so to speak, it changed my life. It set me on a path of finding myself and learning that in this dirty place we call the world, cleanliness is provided, grace is given, and a fresh start is only a prayer away.

 

It hasn't always been easy. There have been times of trial and tribulation, doubt, anger, even resentment, but then I can look back and see why. Why He put me there or placed a person in my life or sent me through a time of struggle and suffering.

 

So, now 7 months later, my life is so different and not just the obvious. I can breathe without nausea, drive home without having a panic attack, let my shoulders relax; I love myself and my life; and I have been blessed with a second change at life. I am now surrounded by a family of believers (who showed up in masse Sunday at the housewarming), my friends who are truly my friends, my family and colleagues who have been supportive and a person who loves me for me. To say I am blessed is an understatement really. For the first time in a very long time I am truly happy.

 

So, thank you K for being that constant source of love, spiritual guidance and never-failing support. Thank you for bringing The Paradox into my life and more importantly for showing me that I am worthy of His love.

 

I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. Galatians 2:20 

 

 

 

 



Blogtember: Be Afraid

Today's prompt: Friday, September 6: A story about a time you were very afraid.  

Though there have been so many times I was very afraid, from childhood tragedy of a trial involving my father, to high school fears, and most recent fear of life after D, today I am going to share another story with another kind of fear.

 

It was a Wednesday night this past March. It started out like any other Wednesday City Group, we sat around and ate a delicious meal together and enjoyed the fellowship of others. This night, however, we split into two groups, men and women. We were ready to get real and be vulnerable with each other. So, the guys headed outside and the girls nestled around the dining room table and we began to talk.

 

Katie shared her fear of her grandmother's illness and about her not being at the wedding. She poured out and let us pour into her. Laura shared about her struggles with working in a place with non-believers and how she could share her faith. I sat there and listened. I had not said much at this point at all in group let alone shared anything on my heart. After someone shared, I looked across the table at Kate and it was as if she knew what I was thinking. She nodded at me and smiled. It was this smile like your mother gives, that reassures you that you can do this and all will be ok. I felt Him calling me to tell my story.

 

Every part of me trembled. What would these people think? How would they react to someone who was going through a divorce, who questioned God's love and grace, who had strayed so far from the church and was fighting to find her way back in His arms? Would they judge? Would they even understand? Our group at that time was so young--we were blessed with so many college women just starting their lives.

 

I was so afraid of what they would think, but more of what would happen next. As I began to tell my story, I could barely look up. I was afraid to meet my peers eyes. The tears flowed freely and that's when I realized they weren't just coming from my eyes, but everyone on the room. These women, who some had only met me that night wept for me. They wept for the hurt and pain, for the anger and resentment I harbored. They wept not out of pity, but with me.

 

The words came quickly, and seemed so natural. I poured out to them. I trusted. I can remember Taylor sitting next to me, her sweet soul and warm smile and hand on my back never letting go, never letting me feel alone. It was cathartic. I felt so free, but afraid.

 

When I finished my story I looked up and around at the faces around me. I opened my eyes and saw not disdain, or judgment, but love. These women, these hearts and souls so filled with His love stared back at me with love. Kate prayed for me. I wept more and this time not out of fear or anger, but because I had witnessed God's love and His grace.

 

His grace is powerful, yet so scare for lack of a better word. Its something we cannot understand because its not tangible. We cannot touch it, feel it, taste--not how we think of normal tangibility. But we touch, feel, and taste His grace everyday. Its the smile from a passing stranger, the embrace of loved ones, its found in the quiet moments in the car, the steady pace of my run, and in the start of each and every day when I get to start over.

 

The fear I experienced that night was unlike any other. It cut to my heart and changed me forever. Allowing His love and grace to enter my heart through the smiles and words of a family of believers was the most scary thing I have ever done.

 

 

See how great a love the Father has bestowed upon us, that we should be called children of God; and such we are. For this reason the world does not know us, because it did not know Him. 1 John 3:1