End of Blogtember {Something Old}

I would like to point out that this month FLEW by! I mean like a jet plane. So, to celebrate the end of this month and the beginning of my Birthday month I bring you the very last Blogtember post:

 

Monday, September 30: Share a photo of something old. Maybe something that has personal history for you, that was passed down to you, and that has special meaning to you. Tell us about it and why it's special.

 

 

See that stuffed dog in that picture? That my friends in Jamie. He is a bona fide Pound Puppy who will be 27 years old this December. He came into my life on my 3rd Christmas. (He is named after my cousin Jamie, whom I have not seen since I was umm I dunno a kid, but apparently I had quite the crush on him when I was 3.) But, Jamie, the dog, is my best friend, confidant, secret keeper, dream catcher, tear dryer, all-round comfort-giver.

 

He has been everywhere with me, yup everywhere. He came to every twirling competition, went to college, law school, London, my wedding and yup, even my honeymoon. I'm not quite sure how he came to be my best friend, but he is. He has been lost, misplaced, washed, repaired more times that I can count, but he is still alive and well. He has been chewed, spit out, buried in sand, stuffed in a suitcase, slept on and manages to keep on loving me. He knows me better than anyone else. He is the inspiration for everyone's "Jamie." V calls anyone's thing they carry with them all the time, their "Jamie." But he is the one and only, original.

 

Did you have a best stuffed friend as a kid? or a blanket? I would show you  my blankie, but Im pretty sure he finally died after college. Alas, goodbye September, its been swell, but hello October, hello 31 and hello blates!

 

Sunday Kind of Love

I'm sitting here Sunday preparing for the week, ya know... laundry, cleaning, meal prep, dog walking, yard work.... all the sexy things. As I was reflecting on my weekend and watching numerous reruns of Devious Maids (lord I am addicted to it) I got to thinking about how for the first time in a very long time I am happy. I was trying to think about something for me to complain about and nothing came. Sure work has been super busy and stressful, but that's life and sure I am driving in overspeed towards my 31st birthday, but I am ok with it and sure I am unmarried with a mortgage and two dogs, but it makes me happy.

This is my life lately. I.AM.HAPPY!!!!

I began a 10-week program through my church this weekend called Redemption Groups. Its described as the rest stop along the highway of living out the gospel. A Redemption Group is an intense small group that digs deep into difficult and seldom-discussed areas of life, such as abuse, addiction, and trials of all sorts. The participants are in the midst of all sorts of struggles and sin from addictions, eating disorders, abuse, marital struggle, pride, and self-righteousness. I laugh at the term rest stop as I don't feel restful, but I get it.

The weekend starts with each of us telling our "story." Imagine a room full of people you don't know baring it all--the good, the bad, the ugly and the shameful. All.Out.There.

Its emotional and exhausting and emotionally exhausting, but I am excited. I am excited to see how the Lord works in my life the next 10 weeks. I am eager to see what He shows me and tells me and hoping He will further open my heart to him.

I have been extremely loved as I begin this process. My city group and church family have poured love in my heart and have been so supportive. I have also found support in the people I hold close.

Its what got me thinking about love and good ole Etta James popped into my head. We all want it. That Sunday Kind of Love. We search for it, hope for it and many even Pray for it.

For some of us we have thought about it since we were little girls, playing wedding or coupling up at school. We put posters of boys on our walls and draw hearts and flowers and pretend writing their last name with our first... (ok so I may still do this...) But the thing is, we want it, crave it, need it to feel complete. Love that is true, genuine and lasts through Sunday. Real, honesty unconditional Love. Christ's love.

I have found that love. Its wonderful. It wraps me in its arms at night, kisses me good morning, holds my hand and fulfills me. Its real and raw. It knows all my secrets, fears and insecurities and continues to love me. Its a love like no other because it asks nothing in return. Its my Sunday Kind of Love.

Pictures Tell a Thousand Words

Today's prompt: only pictures and I created a super cute collage and then work happened and someone sent me this, so alas I share pictures:

Blogtember Dear ___

  As I was sitting at work Sunday, yes I am at work on a Sunday... BOO... I looked up the prompt for today during this Blogtember : Monday, September 16: Write a public love letter to someone in your life. (It doesn't necessarily need to be romantic.) I admit I eye-rolled. I could go so many directions, I could write of the love I have for my savior, or the love I have for my closets friends and family, or the love for my pups, or even share with you the love I will always hold in my heart for M, but instead I decided to share what is truly on my heart right now--a love letter to my future:  

Dear ___:

You may or may not be reading this right now, or perhaps if you are you have yet to figure out its you. You inevitably are an unexpected addition to my life. You walked in suddenly and quickly grew into a mainstay. You have taken up residence in my thoughts and in my heart and even in my dreams.

You should know I am broken. I have experienced pain and struggle in my life and work daily to overcome it. I doubt and fear and worry, Oh I worry. I know I seem so strong and confident to you, but inside, I second-guess and double-think. I want you to see only the perfect picture of a woman, a future wife and mother. I am put together and proper, polite and refined. In reality, I am a mess of emotion and I sin against myself and you.

I want to please you. I want to make you happy. I also need your respect and admiration, but I will often forgo my own comfort to ensure yours. I will see the smile I bring to your face and want to relive it again and again.

I am fragile. Be careful with my heart. It's guarded and needs to be cared for. Be careful with your words and promises-- I take them as truth. Be a communicator. I want to be a good communicator. Right now, it’s something I really need to work on because I keep my feeling under lock and key and tend to clam up when something upsets me or my feelings are hurt. I want to get better at expressing my emotions and talking through my problems. I don’t want to be that woman who says she’s fine when really, she wants to punch you in the face for something you didn't realize would even upset me let alone bring on a full-court meltdown. Communication is such a huge part of any relationship, be it romantic or otherwise. This needs to be one of the cornerstones of ours. I have seen firsthand when a relationship has either very little or no communication.

See me. I don't mean just look into my eyes (though you should); I mean look into my soul and see me. Who I am and what I stand for, where I want to go and who I want to be. Know when to let me shine and when to hold me tight and tell me its ok.

Be my champion, best friend and soul mate. I want to have fun with you. All too often, I hear people complain about their significant others in derogatory ways (I admit I did this in the past). They engage in spouse bashing, talk down about them, and you wonder why they even married them at all. I don’t want to be that type of woman that goes running to my friends to bash you whenever we have a fight. I want to respect our relationship, respect that we will have disagreements, and respect your role as the leader of our relationship. I want our relationship and future marriage to look different than many of the ones I see on a daily basis. I want us to actually like each other as friends and want to be with each other every day til we're 85.

Be romantic. It doesn't have to be flowers and candlelit dinners, its about knowing those little things that elicit that sparkle in my eyes and doing them. Its the note I find hidden in my bag or mirror, the text that simply tells me you are thinking about me. Sure, I still need big moments, but romance is about showing me that you choose to pursue me everyday, long after the "honeymoon."

I am a child of God, His daughter. Support this and know its important. We may not always agree or see eye-to-eye here, but see that I must first satisfy my life with Him before I can satisfy my life with you. I pray for you often and for our future. I pray we walk together hand-in-hand facing life as one.

Know that I love you. I love you for you and not for someone I hope you to be or expect you to become, but for who God has shaped you into. He has brought you to me to show me what it means to experience unconditional love. Forgive me because I will forget this and try to force you to do things that are against you nature (like putting the toilet seat down or foregoing the game for some pageant thing) and I will expect you to just know, ya know why I am mad, or sad, or upset...

So ___, when the day comes and the time is right I will stand before God everyone and profess my love for you, but right now I profess my love for God that He brought you to me. I will continue to be His daughter and live my life out as I should so I can be the best me for you.

Fabulous Friday Confessionals

Yup, its Friday and time for a little fesh sesh, but first, today's Blogtember prompt:

A self-portrait:   Yeesh, I am not good at these, but if you truly want to see the epitome of me then I will share with you this lil montage I sent a friend the other day to entertain him while at work

This pretty much sums me up, silly, crazy all in the comfort of my very purple office

 And now, back to this edition of Confessional Friday:

 

I confess....

 

• I have cried in my office more than once this week out of stress and sheer frustration
• I have the best support system of friends who have bent over backwards to help me with things in the single-gal homeowner life and I could not be more grateful
• I still find myself almost texting or calling M to ask him how to do thing out of habit
• I am really a tad jealous of all my friends who are pregnant, yup... still baby crazy here (I'm hoping this passes)
• I have thought about packing Sophie up and sending her to China labeled "Meat" (she drives me crazy)
• Some days I want to pack up my office, head home and open up a bakery
• I totally took advantage of Banana's 40% off yesterday in a fit of work-related retail therapy
• I am completely happy with where my life is.... yup, you heard me... I AM HAPPY!! Head over heels, let's jump out of bed and face the day with a smile happy. *yes I still have those crappy days like let's say err.. Wednesday where I want to pull my hair out due to  life

Happy Friday y'all, even though my Frogs lost last night, I can still day my team won so sun's up, gun's up Wreck 'Em Tech.

 

 

Blogtember: One Moment in Time

Tuesday, September 10: Describe a distinct moment when your life took a turn.

 

 

 

Wow, one moment? one distinct moment in which my life took a turn... I could describe a thousand moments from choosing TCU, coming home from London instead of staying, leaving my job in Austin for TCU, choosing Tech for law school and my marriage, the Big D... but the one moment that has taken my life on a totally uncharted path all started with a message to K on gchat about church.

 

A couple weeks later I had lunch with her and shared what was going on in my life with her and that Sunday I met her and her hubs at The Paradox. Looking back I had no idea how much my life would change or how God was literally pushing me forward towards this. I can't even remember why I asked K about it, I just was compelled to do so.

 

My faith had always been important to me, but I admit I strayed from it after law school and during my marriage. It was hard because M was not religious at all, nor raised that way, so it was often easier to just become a holiday Catholic. Yes, I prayed and had my quiet devotional time with God, but it wasn't the same as having that constant Christian family surrounding  me. Little by little, I just gave up on trying to get M to come with me and I quiet going altogether.

 

So, back to my story... I showed up at The Paradox with full warning from K about how things would be and how it would be different than what I was used to. I admit at first it was strange. The music was different, the people were different, the message was different, heck I was wearing jeans. I looked around and just felt home. I was amazed at the glory of God inside this small ballroom, filling people with joy. It wasn't the typical Mass scene where everyone went through the motions and couldn't wait for communion so they could sneak out.

 

The people were compelled by Christ, moved by His spirit and wanted to be there.

 

I joined K and B that Wednesday for City Group and I was just hooked. I felt most at peace when I was surrounded by the people here. Sure, I was scared and often didn't say much when we sat down to discuss that week's sermon or subject matter, but I felt safe. Each week I felt more and more called to open my eyes, ears and mostly heart to the truth spoken and the message  put forth. Some days I think it was just comforting that no one there "knew" my struggles, they just knew me. The more they got to know me and my story, the more they loved me and cared for me and truly became my family.

 

I know my turning to Him during my divorce was shocking to some people. I know I had experienced some pushback and worry from people very close to me. I know they just worried about me and mostly hoped I wasn't being swept up into some sort of cult. Cult... I looked up the word cult:

 

5

a : great devotion to a person, idea, object, movement, or work (as a film or book); especially : such devotion regarded as a literary or intellectual fad

 

b : the object of such devotion

 c : a usually small group of people characterized by such devotion

 

Well, if my devotion to Christ and His beliefs are bad, then I guess I'm going to hell heaven.

 

My point, that moment, the one where I decided that my life could go one of two ways and I choose the road less travelled, the harder course so to speak, it changed my life. It set me on a path of finding myself and learning that in this dirty place we call the world, cleanliness is provided, grace is given, and a fresh start is only a prayer away.

 

It hasn't always been easy. There have been times of trial and tribulation, doubt, anger, even resentment, but then I can look back and see why. Why He put me there or placed a person in my life or sent me through a time of struggle and suffering.

 

So, now 7 months later, my life is so different and not just the obvious. I can breathe without nausea, drive home without having a panic attack, let my shoulders relax; I love myself and my life; and I have been blessed with a second change at life. I am now surrounded by a family of believers (who showed up in masse Sunday at the housewarming), my friends who are truly my friends, my family and colleagues who have been supportive and a person who loves me for me. To say I am blessed is an understatement really. For the first time in a very long time I am truly happy.

 

So, thank you K for being that constant source of love, spiritual guidance and never-failing support. Thank you for bringing The Paradox into my life and more importantly for showing me that I am worthy of His love.

 

I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. Galatians 2:20 

 

 

 

 



Blogtember: Changing the E for an I

 

Monday, September 9: Take this short personality test and respond to your results.

 

well, this one surprised me. This is the first time I have ever taken this and come out as an introvert!

 

INFJ

 

Introvert(11%)  iNtuitive(19%)  Feeling(38%)  Judging(33%)

• You have slight preference of Introversion over Extraversion (11%)
• You have slight preference of Intuition over Sensing (19%)
• You have moderate preference of Feeling over Thinking (38%)
• You have moderate preference of Judging over Perceiving (33%)

To say this surprised me, is an understatement. I have always been, on paper, and in my mind and extrovert. But I have realized the older I got, and due to  being in my last relationship and marriage that I became more inward focused. I tended to shy away from outspokeness and being the "center of attention." I prefer quiet moments at hone to loud party atmosphere. But here is what INFJ means for me:

INFJs are distinguished by both their complexity of character and the unusual range and depth of their talents. Strongly humanitarian in outlook, INFJs tend to be idealists, and because of their J preference for closure and completion, they are generally "doers" as well as dreamers. This rare combination of vision and practicality often results in INFJs taking a disproportionate amount of responsibility in the various causes to which so many of them seem to be drawn.
INFJs are deeply concerned about their relations with individuals as well as the state of humanity at large. They are, in fact, sometimes mistaken for extroverts because they appear so outgoing and are so genuinely interested in people -- a product of the Feeling function they most readily show to the world. (This is totally me...) On the contrary, INFJs are true introverts, who can only be emotionally intimate and fulfilled with a chosen few from among their long-term friends, family, or obvious "soul mates." While instinctively courting the personal and organizational demands continually made upon them by others, at intervals INFJs will suddenly withdraw into themselves, sometimes shutting out even their intimates. This apparent paradox is a necessary escape valve for them, providing both time to rebuild their depleted resources and a filter to prevent the emotional overload to which they are so susceptible as inherent "givers." As a pattern of behavior, it is perhaps the most confusing aspect of the enigmatic INFJ character to outsiders, and hence the most often misunderstood -- particularly by those who have little experience with this rare type.

Due in part to the unique perspective produced by this alternation between detachment and involvement in the lives of the people around them, INFJs may well have the clearest insights of all the types into the motivations of others, for good and for evil. The most important contributing factor to this uncanny gift, however, are the empathic abilities often found in Fs, which seem to be especially heightened in the INFJ type (possibly by the dominance of the introverted N function).

This empathy can serve as a classic example of the two-edged nature of certain INFJ talents, as it can be strong enough to cause discomfort or pain in negative or stressful situations. More explicit inner conflicts are also not uncommon in INFJs; it is possible to speculate that the causes for some of these may lie in the specific combinations of preferences which define this complex type. For instance, there can sometimes be a "tug-of-war" between NF vision and idealism and the J practicality that urges compromise for the sake of achieving the highest priority goals. And the I and J combination, while perhaps enhancing self-awareness, may make it difficult for INFJs to articulate their deepest and most convoluted feelings.

Usually self-expression comes more easily to INFJs on paper, as they tend to have strong writing skills. (Ya think? hello I blog...)  Since in addition they often possess a strong personal charisma, INFJs are generally well-suited to the "inspirational" professions such as teaching (especially in higher education) and religious leadership. Psychology and counseling are other obvious choices, but overall, INFJs can be exceptionally difficult to pigeonhole by their career paths. Perhaps the best example of this occurs in the technical fields. Many INFJs perceive themselves at a disadvantage when dealing with the mystique and formality of "hard logic", and in academic terms this may cause a tendency to gravitate towards the liberal arts rather than the sciences. However, the significant minority of INFJs who do pursue studies and careers in the latter areas tend to be as successful as their T counterparts, as it is *iNtuition* -- the dominant function for the INFJ type -- which governs the ability to understand abstract theory and implement it creatively.

I read this several times and just keep thinking, yup that's me. I can remember taking this in college during orientation staff training and even this time I found myself wanting to pick the answers that made me sound more fun or outgoing, but this time I didn't. I realized that there is a difference between how I want to be perceived and who I truly am. I think that is perhaps the biggest realization on my life right now. I have worked so hard to be who I thought I needed to be or act  how I people expected me to, but that I was never truly happy because I was always putting on an act.

Sure, I am outgoing at times, and silly, and loud and can be a bit obnoxious I'm sure. But truly, I like to look in from the outside, enjoy quiet times, and I feel, a lot. I feel for myself, for other people, even for those I don't. I think and analyze... I like rules. I like to live between the lines 99% of the time. This is why I think some relationships have failed for me. I have tried to be someone i'm not and only those people who can realize that and see it can really see me. I think M tried, but he also never adapted with me. As I got older and more educated I evolved and he stayed the same. I needed someone who could see me.

As a good friend said to me I need someone who respects me and my feelings, who listens and values my opinions, who stands up for me, but knows when to let my take the spotlight. This person needs to get the diverse nature of my personality: hold me when I'm sad and let me fret when I'm upset.

Funny how one small letter can put life into perspective for you. Realizing that its ok to be an introvert and it doesn't mean I'm not fun, just means I express myself differently than I did at 20.




Blogtember: Be Afraid

Today's prompt: Friday, September 6: A story about a time you were very afraid.  

Though there have been so many times I was very afraid, from childhood tragedy of a trial involving my father, to high school fears, and most recent fear of life after D, today I am going to share another story with another kind of fear.

 

It was a Wednesday night this past March. It started out like any other Wednesday City Group, we sat around and ate a delicious meal together and enjoyed the fellowship of others. This night, however, we split into two groups, men and women. We were ready to get real and be vulnerable with each other. So, the guys headed outside and the girls nestled around the dining room table and we began to talk.

 

Katie shared her fear of her grandmother's illness and about her not being at the wedding. She poured out and let us pour into her. Laura shared about her struggles with working in a place with non-believers and how she could share her faith. I sat there and listened. I had not said much at this point at all in group let alone shared anything on my heart. After someone shared, I looked across the table at Kate and it was as if she knew what I was thinking. She nodded at me and smiled. It was this smile like your mother gives, that reassures you that you can do this and all will be ok. I felt Him calling me to tell my story.

 

Every part of me trembled. What would these people think? How would they react to someone who was going through a divorce, who questioned God's love and grace, who had strayed so far from the church and was fighting to find her way back in His arms? Would they judge? Would they even understand? Our group at that time was so young--we were blessed with so many college women just starting their lives.

 

I was so afraid of what they would think, but more of what would happen next. As I began to tell my story, I could barely look up. I was afraid to meet my peers eyes. The tears flowed freely and that's when I realized they weren't just coming from my eyes, but everyone on the room. These women, who some had only met me that night wept for me. They wept for the hurt and pain, for the anger and resentment I harbored. They wept not out of pity, but with me.

 

The words came quickly, and seemed so natural. I poured out to them. I trusted. I can remember Taylor sitting next to me, her sweet soul and warm smile and hand on my back never letting go, never letting me feel alone. It was cathartic. I felt so free, but afraid.

 

When I finished my story I looked up and around at the faces around me. I opened my eyes and saw not disdain, or judgment, but love. These women, these hearts and souls so filled with His love stared back at me with love. Kate prayed for me. I wept more and this time not out of fear or anger, but because I had witnessed God's love and His grace.

 

His grace is powerful, yet so scare for lack of a better word. Its something we cannot understand because its not tangible. We cannot touch it, feel it, taste--not how we think of normal tangibility. But we touch, feel, and taste His grace everyday. Its the smile from a passing stranger, the embrace of loved ones, its found in the quiet moments in the car, the steady pace of my run, and in the start of each and every day when I get to start over.

 

The fear I experienced that night was unlike any other. It cut to my heart and changed me forever. Allowing His love and grace to enter my heart through the smiles and words of a family of believers was the most scary thing I have ever done.

 

 

See how great a love the Father has bestowed upon us, that we should be called children of God; and such we are. For this reason the world does not know us, because it did not know Him. 1 John 3:1 

 

Blogtember: My rant on Trust

  Today's prompt: What is the best piece of advice you have been given.   Trust your instincts.  

It's amazing how you just know. You know when something isn't right, feels funny or off. You have that sixth sense that makes the hair on the back of your neck stand up or causes you double check the locks. Its an innate feeling that says trust this person and not that person. Your intuition tells you the better choice without you even asking it.

 

Doesn't mean I always listen to it. Man oh man, can I look back and say so many times if I had only trusted myself. Hindsight is 20/20 right? But, its true, your body naturally knows things. Its from experience, adaptation, survival so to speak. Your brain is this complex muscle that has great capacity and reasoning and memory. Its senses things we cannot that allows the brain to tell us what the right choice is. Amazing huh? Smart lil thing that lies between our ears....  It communicates through emotions, body sensation, (like a gut feeling), pictures in your mind, words, hunches, instincts and dreams.

 

But I often wonder why we don't listen to our instincts. What causes us to second-guess and doubt? Fear. Yup, a little four-letter word. Its not something we are born with, but its a learned thing. The older we get the more experiences we have to rely upon. But as we step out more into the world, meet more people – some disingenuous, others outright shady – we begin to realize that not everyone thinks and acts the same as us. Heck, I don't even act how I want to err 99% 75% of the time.

 

I used to be such a trusting person. I believed in the inherent goodness of most people, most of the time. But I’d like to think I’m also discerning. I didn't extend trust to everyone I met, and I sometimes met people who I wouldn’t trust as far as I could kick them. It’s often got nothing to do with their history. Rather an indefinable feeling I get about them.  But as time wore on, and my life experiences grew, I grew more and more distrusting. I stopped listening to my gut and just didn't trust anyone, and especially not myself. I had been conditioned to be leery and guarded.

 

Over the past few months I have tried to be more trusting, letting people in, allowing myself to be vulnerable, listening when He speaks. I have triumphed and failed all in the same sentence at times. Why? I have to trust myself listen to my intuition. What gets in the way of benefiting from our intuition with people and decisions is the fear of what will happen if we listen to it. Sometimes you have so much invested in the status quo its easier to avoid anything that threatens it, giving people the benefit of the doubt far too long.  I fear the reaction of others if I question their integrity – whether it be causing them offence or an outright confrontation (cause we all know how much I love confrontation). More often, we fear how our own life will be impacted if our suspicions are proven correct. Tuning in to your intuition takes courage because it requires that you risk losing something you want and facing a reality you don’t. Humiliation. Being alone. Ugly press. Others judgments. Social ostracism. Loss of face, friendship, and the identity we had of ourselves and whoever violated our trust.

 

You cannot live in fear. I have to trust that just because things didn't turn out how I wanted them to in the past, doesn't mean they won't in the future. That, simply because my marriage or other relationships failed doesn't mean all future relationships will too. Its not that I pick the wrong people, its just I don't listen when my instincts tell me who the right one is.

 

So, how do you solve it? Me, I have had to simply pause from my busy-ness, take a few deep slow breaths and observe what I am feeling about a particular person, situation or decision I need to make in work or life. I pray. I listen for that quiet murmur in my head or the queasiness in the pit of my stomach. Sometimes its just a subtle inkling or quiet sense of foreboding, or maybe something more distinct, ya know when every atom in your body screams at you to pay attention, change direction, or run straight for the nearest exit. About face, do not pass go, do not collect $100.

 

So I feel I have digressed, but the truth? Trust is the cornerstone of our relationships yet it exists on a spectrum. Living on either end of it – trusting blindly or refusing to trust anyone – exacts a profound price. Blind trust and distrust are equally expensive. While refusing to trust anyone because someone we once trusted betrayed it doesn’t serve us in the long run. Whichever end of the spectrum we gravitate toward, we must all be discerning about who we trust, what we trust them with and when we should withdraw it. All people deserve a chance to prove their trustworthiness; no-one should expect to keep it if their actions prove them lacking.

 

I need to learn to trust myself and trust others. I need to listen to my instincts. And I apologize for my rant on this subject. Perhaps someone is trying to tell me something.

 

Where I Come From

Its September... yes September. Wow where did summer go? I mean just yesterday it was June and I as on a beach in Mexico. But alas, the fall is upon us and its time to get back to grind... haha I've been at it all summer no rest for this wear lawyer. But I am going to do a linking up with one of my favs this month for Blogtember.

   

Yup, you heard me, a month of blogging fun. So let's begin with this topic:

Tuesday, Sept. 3: Describe where or what you come from. The people, the places, and/or the factors that make up who you are.

For those of you who don't know, I am a yankee. Yes I know, bad word down in these parts. I was born in small town Pennsylvania. I am second to last of a million grandkids, my mom is the oldest of 7 children.. I have a large family... that I don't know.

See, when I was almost 2, my mom had the crazy idea to export us to another country... aka Texas. Yup, she up and moved myself and my brother to this great southern land of cows, BBQ and rodeo. She loaded up the car and with the help of my uncle, started anew.

We landed in Arlington, Texas and I have not moved more than 20 miles from there since, well except for the dark years of law school, but  I try to forget those.

But I am so much more than that. Yes, I have a mom and dad and cousins, aunts, uncles, etc... but if you have read this blog for any amount of time you know I am so much more. See, I have this unique family of people who chose to love me.

I am blend of my blood and my adopted family.

I learned how to be independent and strong, but also poised and graceful from V. She  never let me wallow in self pity, even when I wanted to, and told me that I had to work hard if I wanted to go places. She gave me the tools I needed to be successful in this world and look good while doing it. She imparted knowledge well beyond twirling--she ingrained in me the importance of honesty and integrity even when its hard or easier to lie. She also taught me that when someone truly loves you they don't care where you come from and what past you have experienced.

My mom taught me that family does matter. We may not always like them, but they are a part of us. She has showed me that sometimes you just gotta dust yourself off and try again, and again, and again.

D has showed me what it means to be a loving father, good husband and a real man. He instilled faith in me that I can and will find someone who worthy, and that good  men are out there, sometimes you just gotta search a little longer or harder. He taught me the importance of investing in my future and respecting myself first and foremost. He also taught me that when all else fails, talk about the flowers.

Aunt K has taught me its ok to have real feelings. I can think and act and feel. She taught me about good books and gin, and how to really enjoy a meal. She forces me to think everyday and never loses a chance to challenge me. She has shown me that love comes in many forms. Funny, she used to scare the heck outta me and now I can't think of what I would do without her.

I also have the intricate network of other people who have shaped me. From twirling moms, who cheered me on and put me in my place, to my best friends parents who loved me like their own and had the sex talk with me in the car, to the ladies at TCU who have watched me grow from 18 to 30 and continue to be present in my life, I have been surrounded by love. Now, I can see more than ever that I am product of so much more than genes--I am a product of love.

I may come from small town, backwoods Quaker country, but I am the strong, confidant, successful woman I am today because of those people who do not have to love me, but choose to everyday.