Letting Go

I survived yesterday. It was a day I had been dreading since April 11th. I know it shouldn't matter, and I have a great life and shouldn't think twice about M and our old life, but its hard. Its still hard. I myself often forget its been less then a year since the big D. I mean since then so many wonderful things have happened in my life, so why would this one little day get to me so much?

And to be brutally honest? Part of me kept hoping M would call or text or just reach out just to say hey, I feel as crappy as you do today. But alas, no. In my head I knew it wouldn't happen, but my heart somehow just wants him "make it all better." As if he could somehow place a Band-Aid on all the hurt and pain and  I could get my life back. My life. Crazy because that's not my life anymore. I am not the wife. I do not live in the suburbs, drive an hour or more to get to and from work each day, there is not a Mr. and Mrs. or the talk of starting a family. Its sad to see my dream as the past.

Yes, I dwelled last night. I ignored calls and texts, forwent group and just wanted to mope on the couch. Le guy came over and tried to console, but how do you console this? I felt guilty at first and then realized, I am human. I feel and hurt and get down sometimes and its ok. I need to be able to be sad and not conceal my emotions so as to make others feel better. I was hurt that le guy did not try to do anything to take my mind off it. I know that sounds awful and its not his job, and why on earth would he want to, but it does not change the fact that I needed it. I needed a gesture that says I know you are hurting and I love you. Sometimes, words just aren't enough. And guess what? That is ok too.

I think we are told as women that we shouldn't need any "thing." Love should be enough. News flash, we all love and need to be loved in different ways. We all  deal with emotions in different ways. Its ok to need a gesture or a thing to aid in the showing and feeling of love.

I also want to thank everyone who reached out to me yesterday. Your words, texts, emails and comments truly helped.

So, today I will let go, I will let M go.

Wordless Wednesday

He Reminds Us

So yesterday I had a bad day. I had no hot water, well water for that matter, in my shower due to the frozen tundra called Texas. So I "showered" in my sink and sported a ponytail to work. I grudged through the day getting some discovery out the door and doing some research on a rather interesting topic,  but mostly I just wanted to go home, lay in bed and sleep.

I am dreading tomorrow. I know I shouldn't, but its still there looming in my head. And then I was reminded. Right there as I yelled at Chloe for digging another hole in the yard and almost escaping and finding hot water in the shower He reminded me He cares.

There was a small package in my mail from my sorority sister and former roommate. Its amazing what mail can do for you. I knew she asked me for my address but I figured it was for holiday cards or something. I turned over the envelope and it said open January 7th. I sooo wanted to tear it open right then, but I waited. Somehow, just seeing her name and knowing she was thinking of me reassured me that He loves me. I jumped in the hot shower, stood under the running water and cried. Yeah know, one of those cathartic let it all out cries. Amidst my stress, house problems and dog issues, He was reminding me that I am not alone.

I opened the package as I ate my breakfast this morning. I was overwhelmed with emotion as I saw Hil's handwriting and sweet words. Sure, I have watched her get married and her kids grow up before my eyes on facebook, but I haven't actually talked to her in years. We have exchanged "likes" and the occasional comment, but there she was, in between chasing two toddlers and pregnant with her third writing me a sweet note and sending me a lil package of joy.

I think I often get caught up on looking for the big signs in life. The milestones or dog-ears as our Pastor calls them. But right here, this note was my sign. It was a sign that I am loved, thought of and being lifted up daily even when I can't see it. So, thank you Hil. You do not know how much I needed that note. Tomorrow may not be what I wanted it to be 3 years ago, but I know I will not be alone. LITB.

The Time it was Cold in Texas

I'm not complaining because, let's face it, 14 compared to -40 something in Minnesota is nothing. But, its Texas. We live here because its supposed to be warmer. Which, I guess in comparison, it is today. But 14? Yes 14 is what that little thermometer said on my dash this morning as I trekked to the gym at 5am. Its also the temperature of the water that was tricking out of my shower this morning post workout. Yes, frozen pipe somewhere, but really does this surprise me with everything else that has gone on in my house? No. But I could not shower with one water drop per minute and at 14 degrees so I did the lovely wash cloth and soap outta the sink routine and will just have to sport dirty nasty ponytail again. And thus begins my week. I.give.up.

But, in other news.... Happy 30th Birthday to my should-be sister Laura! Yes, should-be... as in we should have been sisters, but we aren't (well technically, we are sorority sisters). So happy 30th Laura, welcome to the 30's club! Love you!!

Sunday Social

I have not done a Sunday Social in forever! But alas, here I am hopping on the bandwagon again for 2014! So grab some brunch and a mimosa and join in the fun!


1. Do you plan to change any of your eating habits in the new year?

Yes and no. I have a fairly plain diet (leftover from pageant days) and I admit I like it. Its easy, I know what I am eating and how much and it keeps me on track. What I am going to change is my pre and post workout diet. Adding in a shake to enhance the gym.

2. Any workout tips to get us back in shape after the Holidays?

Just before Christmas I was feeling the workout rut and got great advice to add in some HIIT workouts! They have been great!! Quick, easy and done in less than 30 min. And the best part? They kick my booty!

3. What is your favorite thing you did over the Holidays?

Spent time with this guy!

4. What is something you hope that you accomplish in 2014 that you did not in 2013?

Saving money!

5. Name 3 things happening this year you are excited about and why.

- Neely gets married!!! Well because duh, she's getting married!
- 3 of my good friends are having babies! So excited to be Aunt Lynn over and over again.
- My first trial.

See ya'll next week!

Confessional Friday 2014 Edition

Its a new year and time to confess a few itsy bitsy things.... I mean what better what to begin the year then cleansing the soul! Linking up with Leslie to tell you that I confess....

1. I was gifted a new chair at work from a partner who got a new one. Its so comfy! Its like butter in the form of a chair. And the best part? I can sit indian style in it (and sometimes I do this and take off my heels and just feel at home).

2. I ordered my bagel with light cream cheese and they just dolloped a huge scoop on it, and I ate every single whip of it.

3. I have been going longer and long between shampoos. Amazing what a little hairspray, teasing an and a clip can do.

4. When people speed past me I secretly hope they get stopped by the popo.

5. I am a clothes whore.... or hoarded.... or obsessed. I need to clean out my closet.... which means.... SALE! Look for some wonderful items coming to this blog next week! Some of which I have never worn, or barely worn!

6. My fingers and toes are in desperate need of a mani/pedi (hint hint mom.... mani/pedi when you get into town tomorrow?)

7. Next week, the 8th to be exact, would have been my 3rd anniversary and I am rather dreading it. I'm thinking wine and pancakes in my pj's? Can I take a personal day from work? Prayers please.

8. Sophie, my lil monkey dog, has been with my mom since Christmas Eve and I miss her like whoa... and so does Chloe, as in Chloe decided to dig under the fence and go on an adventure to find her yesterday morning. (Thank you to my friend and neighbor's husband who brought her home).

Happy 1st Friday of 2014 lovelies!

Ringing it In

2014. Yikes. Sounds so future.... I mean as in when I was like 14 and 1997 was like way cool and anything past 1999 sounded like the end of the earth. Yet, here we are. So, how did I ring in the New Year? On the couch, watching copious episodes of Orange is the New Black, drugged up on anything that  made me feel better and tissue galore. Nope, no party with my Bunco girls, or night out. I dined upon a fabulously delicious balsamic chicken over angel hair pasta made by le guy and was in bed at 12:05 (barely awake).

I have been sick for a week now. It went from cold, to flu (think shaking in bed my body hurt so bad flu) to hacking, burning cough bronchitis. I am now somewhere in between cough with snotty nose and death. My co-workers love me. But, I would not trade my night for the world. I rang in it with someone special and managed not to feel hungover the next day! (Score).

With New Years comes resolutions. I thought about mine the last couple days and managed to spout out the same ole eat healthy, stay fit, don't worry so much hum drum I normally do. And then I started to work on my 2014 budget and it hit me. I need to save more. Sure, I make decent money and can provide for myself, but with the purchase of the house and doing things "just for me" I manage to waste a lot. I have also depleted my savings due to home costs (aka overflowing washers, rodents, insulation....) you get the picture. So, I have dubbed 2014 the year of Save More Spend Less. I am going to take a page out of my girl Neely's book from last year and only spend this month on the necessities (unless I have a giftcard or something). My goal is to replenish my savings account and only put on my cc what I can pay at the end of the month. Ya'll keep me accountable and I have a lil cushion to fix up the house.

What did you do NYE? What are you resolutions? Happy 2014 everyone. I cannot wait to see what this year has in store for me!