A lil Reflection

I know I have talked about how different my life is from a year ago, but I had some great reflection time last night. I had a friend over who is contemplating a divorce and so we sat down to talk about everything from how she felt to the legal issues concerning it.

I listened to her talk about how she felt and I interjected with my own experiences and thoughts. We have so much in common, not only with our marriages, but our past experiences and lives. Often I see so much of my 22 year old self in her. I want to hug her and hold her and tell her she is so young to be so miserable. Yet, I know how that feels so I just listen. I was raw and honest with her.

Divorce sucks. Its like having a death in your family. You ache like you have never known, and its literally a physical ailment. You second-guess, feel shame, guilt, you reason with yourself and often run and hide. People, especially your spouse think you just woke up one morning and said I don't want to do this, let's divorce, simple. Its not simple. It hurts just as much to be the one who files as the one who receives the papers. It was something I thought about long and hard and sought counsel on from those I love. I wrestled with it emotionally and spiritually. I ache for her. I know the sorrow and strife she has bottled up in her. I know how this is eating her alive and yet making her dead inside.

I have been asked if I regret it or would change how it happened and that is just the opening of can of worms and caused the butterfly effect. Sure, I could see how time might have helped or let us "fix" things,  but at the end of the day I knew in my heart and soul that we just didn't work, we were not fixable to the extent I needed in order to be truly happy. Now, all you marriage lovers can say I didn't try hard or that marriage is work and no marriage is perfect, I hear you and I know that. But I also know that its not worth being miserable, depressed, and empty inside for someone. At 30, I was too young to spend my life trying to fix something that should not have been broken so quickly and so easily.

As I listened to her I heard her say the words that I clung to and helped me be at peace with my decision "It shouldn't have come to this." Yes! I wanted to scream. I had often told M this and felt this way, that only when I got upset enough or actually filed, did he want to fix things, work on them and show me he could love me well. It was too late. How could he not see that his wife had long left her body and only an image of her remained? How did he not reach out sooner and say where did YOU go? There are a million reasons why, and none of them is right or wrong, but at that point I was too far gone and no essence of me remained to salvage the relationship we had for 7 years.

So, as I sat and reflected and remembered all those emotions and feelings I felt at peace. Do I still have moments of what if? Yes I probably always will. Will part of me always love him and care about him? yes, and that's ok. But now, the woman I am faces each day knowing that I have peace in my decision and God has greats plans for me. He has given me angels in the form of friends and family  to show me what true everlasting, unconditional love looks like.