I survived yesterday. It was a day I had been dreading since April 11th. I know it shouldn't matter, and I have a great life and shouldn't think twice about M and our old life, but its hard. Its still hard. I myself often forget its been less then a year since the big D. I mean since then so many wonderful things have happened in my life, so why would this one little day get to me so much?
And to be brutally honest? Part of me kept hoping M would call or text or just reach out just to say hey, I feel as crappy as you do today. But alas, no. In my head I knew it wouldn't happen, but my heart somehow just wants him "make it all better." As if he could somehow place a Band-Aid on all the hurt and pain and I could get my life back. My life. Crazy because that's not my life anymore. I am not the wife. I do not live in the suburbs, drive an hour or more to get to and from work each day, there is not a Mr. and Mrs. or the talk of starting a family. Its sad to see my dream as the past.
Yes, I dwelled last night. I ignored calls and texts, forwent group and just wanted to mope on the couch. Le guy came over and tried to console, but how do you console this? I felt guilty at first and then realized, I am human. I feel and hurt and get down sometimes and its ok. I need to be able to be sad and not conceal my emotions so as to make others feel better. I was hurt that le guy did not try to do anything to take my mind off it. I know that sounds awful and its not his job, and why on earth would he want to, but it does not change the fact that I needed it. I needed a gesture that says I know you are hurting and I love you. Sometimes, words just aren't enough. And guess what? That is ok too.
I think we are told as women that we shouldn't need any "thing." Love should be enough. News flash, we all love and need to be loved in different ways. We all deal with emotions in different ways. Its ok to need a gesture or a thing to aid in the showing and feeling of love.
I also want to thank everyone who reached out to me yesterday. Your words, texts, emails and comments truly helped.
So, today I will let go, I will let M go.
Glad its behind you and you're gonna let go. Dont be too hard on le guy. It was nice that he was there and he probably just didnt know what to say or do.
ReplyDeleteThere is nothing wrong with having a Sad day and keeping to yourself! Good for you for just laying low and feeling the emotions.
Now today is a new day and Rejoice! Too bad its not sunny but either way have a great day. :)
It is TOTALLY ok to let yourself grieve. Your life changed and it took a different path than you had planned. But, you already know, that different doesn't mean BAD or WORSE. Your life is what you're making it, and that's pretty awesome. You have an amazing guy in your life (who may need some guidance as to what you need in times like this, but that's ok), and you have great friends and family who are here for you no matter what! You can always lean on us!
ReplyDeleteI love you so much sweet friend! It is completely okay to feel the way you do and to want that gesture. Unfortunately men aren't wired the way we are so it's something we have to tell them. I am glad he was there physically for you though.
ReplyDelete<3
I definitely think you have the right to grieve, and everyone does it in their own way. Don't feel bad about it at all, sweet girl! You are amazing, and great things will come, even if you do need a day here and there to mope around, we all do!
ReplyDeleteIt's okay to feel sad. Thinking of you!
ReplyDeleteIt's definitely okay to feel sad, and I'm glad you made it through the day. Here's to letting go this year!! xoxo
ReplyDeleteIt is definitely ok to feel sad about things. And it's important to allow ourselves to feel sad sometimes. It's part of the healing process. Proud of you for admitting this instead of trying to shove your feelings under the rug or ignore them. I'm sure your mister wished he could have been of more help yesterday, but probably just wasn't sure what to do. Guys can be like that sometimes when it comes to us women. And that's why you have us to vent to!:)
ReplyDeleteI love you, dear friend. Am thinking about you!