Letting Go

I survived yesterday. It was a day I had been dreading since April 11th. I know it shouldn't matter, and I have a great life and shouldn't think twice about M and our old life, but its hard. Its still hard. I myself often forget its been less then a year since the big D. I mean since then so many wonderful things have happened in my life, so why would this one little day get to me so much?

And to be brutally honest? Part of me kept hoping M would call or text or just reach out just to say hey, I feel as crappy as you do today. But alas, no. In my head I knew it wouldn't happen, but my heart somehow just wants him "make it all better." As if he could somehow place a Band-Aid on all the hurt and pain and  I could get my life back. My life. Crazy because that's not my life anymore. I am not the wife. I do not live in the suburbs, drive an hour or more to get to and from work each day, there is not a Mr. and Mrs. or the talk of starting a family. Its sad to see my dream as the past.

Yes, I dwelled last night. I ignored calls and texts, forwent group and just wanted to mope on the couch. Le guy came over and tried to console, but how do you console this? I felt guilty at first and then realized, I am human. I feel and hurt and get down sometimes and its ok. I need to be able to be sad and not conceal my emotions so as to make others feel better. I was hurt that le guy did not try to do anything to take my mind off it. I know that sounds awful and its not his job, and why on earth would he want to, but it does not change the fact that I needed it. I needed a gesture that says I know you are hurting and I love you. Sometimes, words just aren't enough. And guess what? That is ok too.

I think we are told as women that we shouldn't need any "thing." Love should be enough. News flash, we all love and need to be loved in different ways. We all  deal with emotions in different ways. Its ok to need a gesture or a thing to aid in the showing and feeling of love.

I also want to thank everyone who reached out to me yesterday. Your words, texts, emails and comments truly helped.

So, today I will let go, I will let M go.