Taking Chances

Every day we each make a million choices. We choose to get out of bed, we choose what to eat and what to wear. We choose how to proceed through each day. We choose when to be happy and when to be sad. We choose to believe and have faith. We choose to take chances or sit on the sidelines and watch everyone else play the game of life.

 

True life, I spent a lot of time on the sidelines. I did the whole I could have, should have, but chose to not to. I let fear guide my heart and head. I let my head speak for my heart. I lived in the past and guarded every part of myself. I often chose the easy way out  because it was safer, easier, and didn't require my to be vulnerable.

 

I hid myself from the world, only letting people see small glimpses of who I really am. I covered the hurt and pain and fear. I clothed my pain in smiles, an outgoing personality and a drive for success. If you appear to have it altogether, you must, right?

 

I only took calculated risks. Ones that I knew the benefits outweighed the costs and came with quick and instant results. I planned and plotted and often gravitated towards the safe, sure thing. I didn't take any chance I couldn't predict the outcome.

 

I found myself falling back into this same pattern as of late. I went into defense mode, fight or flight. I guarded, put up walls and refused to let anyone see the pain and hurt. I said "I'm fine" more time than I can recount. I didn't take any chances because the D was a huge chance. It was leaving behind a sure thing so to speak. But I was transfixed again. I was scared, afraid. I felt pulled towards my old ways.

 

I have thought so much about what other people would think if I took a chance. What would people say if I let myself feel again, be again, fall again. Would they judge? Would they say its too soon? Would they think I had lost it and gone off the deep end? And then came the naysayers of oh, you need to wait, or don't seem to anxious or available. And there was just keep busy, don't sit home alone, go out, do things.

 

I listened to all the voices in my head, except mine. Only I know how I feel, only I know what's right for me and what I need or want. I had that moment when I had to take a chance a jump. It was staring me right in the face. I could fall or stand planted in the past.

 

Take chances. Don't be afraid. Tell people how you feel about them. Don't worry about how anyone else will react, if they love you and care about you, they will support you. Let people in. Tell them they are important and make them feel that way. Let yourself take chances and fall. We only get once life here on earth. We can spend it standing on the sidelines, or playing the game. I'm ready to play.