Have you ever rolled your yes at someone when they say, "stop worrying yourself to death?" Yeah, I just raised my hand and denoted myself captain of the worry club. I can worry you under the table my friends, hands down, eyes closed.
However, this worry will be the death of me or rather lots of other things in my life. I worry about work and it tends to induce a stress ball of fun who ends up crying in her office. I worry I am not perfect enough, or Christian enough (which induced me literally running from group last Tuesday and crying in the hall, as in all out toddler-type years of frustration and exhaustion), and I worry I will end up alone and childless with 20 cats.
This worry reared it ugly head last night. I am returning to RG tonight and worry what the others will think of me after my tantrum of sorts. I am embarrassed and loathing their stairs. I know they love me and care about me, but its never easy to look at people in the eye when you feel shame yourself. I also managed to worry myself into an awkward conversation with le guy. (Yes P!inky I am quasi-stealing your name). So we sat on the couch watching a random assortment of TV shows and talking and I did it. I worried myself into a tizzy of awkward, hair-twirling, fidgeting hands death. My head was saying don't say it, don't go there you baby-crazy, garbage toting, ball of a mess of a woman who needs to just shut your pie-hole and let life take its course. (yeah cause that works so well with me). I felt like my mouth was moving, and I could not stop it. I just laid all my life's worry right out there (even the stuff that I feel like you just don't tell people, unless its your best friend who already knows you're crazy). I felt like I was that woman who sits on the first date and says "Hi, my name is Lynn and I would like to be married, have a kids and boat, a pony, a house with a pool... oh and I would like to know exactly when you be putting said imaginary ring on my finger and such because if that's not in your plan, eh let's say in the next year, I'll be moving on now." Yup, I totally pretty much did it. (ok, so it wasn't that bad, but man it felt like it).
As I laid in bed last night, I got to thinking about why I am this way. I hate unexpected, unplanned, chaotic life. I have been there, done that, have multiple postcards and emotional scars. I want to know. Yup, know. I would rather you tell me hey, not gong to happen then drag me along. Its like the guy I went on multiple dates with who suddenly stopped calling and returning my texts. Hey dude, that's fine if you don't want to see me, but just let a girl know why. (random I totally saw this guy at the tailgate I was at two weeks ago and it was totes awkward/funny all at the same time).
I just don't know how much more uncertainty I can handle. Its like if someone would just show me my life timeline I would be ok. Just let me know its going to happen. Like, not even hard dates, but just a general, here is what will happen in the next year of your life. I know I have to be patient and wait and see and have faith, but man, I have experienced so much turmoil I just want to know there is a light at the end of my tunnel of life.
Poor le guy.... he had no clue what he was in for by agreeing to hang out with me last night.
Which leads me to my 31 days of Lessons: Don't be afraid to know what you want. This time around, at least I know what I want and I am somewhat not afraid to let potential suitors know (for better or worse). I'm resigned to the fact that I will be 31 on Sunday and I am not getting any younger. I'm not going to waste time chasing that which will never be in line with my wants/needs. It's ok to want to be a wife and mom (yup I just said that).
You take that nickname girlie, le guy sounds awesome!
ReplyDeleteAnd I agree, knowing is so much better than wondering. Guys forget that we are sound people and sometimes the truth of 'no thanks, it's not working' may be harsh, but at least we know.
I used to be a mega worrier, but have toned it down and am so much happier. I love the rocking chair comment, it's the truth!
sending you <3 and prayers lovie
It's TOTALLY okay to want to be a wife and a mom - both are things which you will be great at! And it will happen - the hardest part is being patient.
ReplyDeleteOur worries are of a different variety right now, but I just want you to know that you aren't alone in struggling with worry. You know that B and I are facing some huge uncertainties right now, and it's literally killing me (as in hair falling out from stress). I wish I could just pull up a chair with God and have a little chat. But, then I have to remind myself that this is why I am not God. I totally couldn't handle it!!! So, sweet friend, since we can't plan out our futures just to our specifications, we are just going to have to support each other and remind each other not to let the worry get the best of us. So, here's your reminder: Don't let it get you, friend!!! I know it's hard, but you can do it. You are strong! Love you!
It's TOTALLY fine to want to be a wife and mom. I think accepting that can be especially hard in this career path as well. I've finally gotten to the point where I'm okay admitting that if I had it all to do over again, I probably would not have gone to law school. But here I am, and I'm here for a reason, and I don't know exactly why yet. And I worry about that constantly - so there we are, full circle back to the worry. And I feel like God has said over and over, "I've never let you down so far - why are you doubting now?" And then I feel like that tearful toddler who says, "I know! I don't know!" So yes. All of that to say that you are normal and not alone.
ReplyDeleteI have often asked GOD why he cursed me with the super strength of worrying. I am the Queen of worrying and no amount of praying has ever stopped it. Praying has had me calm down but not completely given up on worrying. I posted back in August about my worrying because i actually feel guilty for worrying so much, like i dont have total trust in God or something. As far as Le Man goes- i doubt he hasnt already heard a girl do spillage from the mouth before. LOL. If he is sincerely trying to get to know you, he wont think twice about your nervousness. You are doing the right thing by PROCLAIMING you are ready to be a wife and mom!
ReplyDeleteYou are not alone! Like you, I am a divorced attorney (only turning 33 in 2 months instead of 31 in a few days) and my fear over being alone/my uterus growing cobwebs and my ovaries shriveling like raisins has caused me so much worry. In fact, that desire, and my vocalization of it, recently caused a guy I was seeing for 5 months to break it off. He said he didn't see marriage or kids in his life for a long time and knew that I wanted it sooner than he did. Better that we vocalize our needs and wants now rather than waiting until it really is too late. As hurt as I am, better that I knew we weren't on the same page 5 months into the relationship than 5 years into it.
ReplyDeleteI am praying for you!
I am the queen of worrying, so I can TOTALLY empathize here. AND I love knowing what's up...I hate change and unpredictable stuff, so I also TOTALLY get you in this post.
ReplyDeleteAs easy as it is to say (and EXTREMELY hard to do), you do just kind of have to let it go...at least the timeline stuff. I still struggle with this from time to time (I should be married by now, I should have kids by now, etc etc), but it all happens when it's supposed to (cliche I know). I'm glad you at least put it out there and stood up for what you want. There's no shame in that :)
If it's the right guy, it won't matter that you have diarrhea of the mouth, if it's the wrong guy? There's your answer! Don't beat yourself up over it!
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