I was angry this morning and then depressed, followed by stressed, annoyed and now just flat out exhausted. My head is spinning. The resounding voice says, "you are not good enough." What does it mean though? Good enough for....
Truth is, I don't feel good enough. I don't feel like a good enough lawyer when I don't bill for every second I am in the office. I often feel inadequate when it comes to family life and not being a good enough daughter, sister, niece, etc... I don't feel good enough for certain groups of people. I never felt good enough for M and I find myself wondering if I will be good enough for le guy. And to top it off, I don't feel like a good enough Christian.
I walk around feeling like I am supposed to do this or that or feel like this or experience that. I try so hard to fulfill everyone's expectations of me whether its at work, home or church. Pleasing people and trying to head advice, and warning. Be leery of this and go slow and give yourself time. Work harder, bill more hours, stay young and in shape. Love your neighbors, bake cookies, host parties, remember birthdays and get good gifts, and on and on and on... you get the point?
In the past year I have radically changed my life. I have gone from self-loathing and depresses to alive, awake and pursuing my hopes and dreams. But I have also continued to stay in the place of trying to do what everyone expects of me. As one friend asked me, "when was the last time I just had fun? not planned, just said 'eff it' and did what I wanted to do" I couldn't answer. I don't do things just for me. I do them because its expected, or right or Christian or out of obligation. I am rules kind of girl and often let societal "norms" dictate my life. I work hard because its what you should do, and I workout because being overweight or fat is not acceptable (yeah I know dumb, but when I decided to compete in Miss Texas again and lost 20 pounds amazing how M tended to like me more). I find myself going to RG or church because its what I should be doing to grow closer to the Lord.
But the truth? Sometimes I just don't want to do anything. I want to slough off at work, skip church and stay in bed, drink too much, eat too much and have relations with men! (pg-13 kind of blog here).
Will I? No. I will refrain from drinking, watch what I eat and maintain decorum. I will go to church and continue to pursue Him and let him pursue me. I will work long hours and stressful cases, I will make appearances and keep up my bubbly personality just so I can be good enough.
Oh sweetiepie, you need to come up to DC stat so we can let our hair down, have some drinks and just lounge ALL DAY together while watching girlie silly movies!
ReplyDeleteI totally know what you mean. Our culture is so go go go be this be that and it can really get to be too much. Unless you already have plans, make this saturday YOUR DAY! turn off the phone, and the comp and just watch football, make fun food and just be.
I LOVE YOU BOFF!
Wow...first of all, I'm so sorry that you're feeling these things. I think since you said you made a HUGE change, you're probably in the midst of finding that balance between the old and the new. I'm a people pleaser too. I hate people to be mad at me or think less of me, so a lot of times I do things that I SHOULD do, and not necessarily because I WANT to. I've sacrificed myself many many times (have you read my wedding drama on my blog? Enough said!). But, what I've realized is, you need to do you. Maybe not all the time being a slacker, but you need to do those things that make you happy, even if it's sitting around in sweats and not doing ANYTHING. If you can't make yourself happy or feel like "enough" no one else will. It sounds cliche, but it's true. Definitely time for some letting loose! And, if you're up in DC, I will gladly let my hair down with you and Pinky!
ReplyDeleteDo the people you work with read your blog?
ReplyDeleteSome do, some don't, some don't even know I have it.
DeleteI think at some point we all don't feel good enough. but it sounds like you are doing all good things, so good things will hopefully come out of it!
ReplyDeleteWe are on the same wavelength today I think. I just wrote about something SO similar - and totally know how you feel. The truth is: You ARE good enough. You are wonderful and perfect just the way God made you. I think we all try to live up to certain expectations, but at some point we just have to sit back and realize that we can't meet every single expectation of every single person every single time. Just not possible! Love you, sweet girl. You are not alone in feeling this way!
ReplyDeleteI struggle with this a lot. That little voice inside my head tells me that I'm not good enough on an almost daily basis. But we have to remind ourselves that we ARE good enough and we do deserve to have fun and just take a day to do nothing if we want! Anytime you want to have a "me day" call me - I'm down :)
ReplyDeleteWanting to be or feeling like you have to be good enough for everyone else is setting yourself up for failure. You only have to be good enough for YOU. You're allowed to have those days where being lazy/antisocial/unproductive wins - when you can do them without a heavy heart. The days you know those choices aren't really the ones you want to make, the days you feel like you CAN'T get out of bed (opposed to not wanting to) are the days you absolutely have to. :D
ReplyDeleteLittleBirdBlogs
ReplyDeleteVery interesting blog........
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