I was angry this morning and then depressed, followed by stressed, annoyed and now just flat out exhausted. My head is spinning. The resounding voice says, "you are not good enough." What does it mean though? Good enough for....
Truth is, I don't feel good enough. I don't feel like a good enough lawyer when I don't bill for every second I am in the office. I often feel inadequate when it comes to family life and not being a good enough daughter, sister, niece, etc... I don't feel good enough for certain groups of people. I never felt good enough for M and I find myself wondering if I will be good enough for le guy. And to top it off, I don't feel like a good enough Christian.
I walk around feeling like I am supposed to do this or that or feel like this or experience that. I try so hard to fulfill everyone's expectations of me whether its at work, home or church. Pleasing people and trying to head advice, and warning. Be leery of this and go slow and give yourself time. Work harder, bill more hours, stay young and in shape. Love your neighbors, bake cookies, host parties, remember birthdays and get good gifts, and on and on and on... you get the point?
In the past year I have radically changed my life. I have gone from self-loathing and depresses to alive, awake and pursuing my hopes and dreams. But I have also continued to stay in the place of trying to do what everyone expects of me. As one friend asked me, "when was the last time I just had fun? not planned, just said 'eff it' and did what I wanted to do" I couldn't answer. I don't do things just for me. I do them because its expected, or right or Christian or out of obligation. I am rules kind of girl and often let societal "norms" dictate my life. I work hard because its what you should do, and I workout because being overweight or fat is not acceptable (yeah I know dumb, but when I decided to compete in Miss Texas again and lost 20 pounds amazing how M tended to like me more). I find myself going to RG or church because its what I should be doing to grow closer to the Lord.
But the truth? Sometimes I just don't want to do anything. I want to slough off at work, skip church and stay in bed, drink too much, eat too much and have relations with men! (pg-13 kind of blog here).
Will I? No. I will refrain from drinking, watch what I eat and maintain decorum. I will go to church and continue to pursue Him and let him pursue me. I will work long hours and stressful cases, I will make appearances and keep up my bubbly personality just so I can be good enough.
