Have you ever rolled your yes at someone when they say, "stop worrying yourself to death?" Yeah, I just raised my hand and denoted myself captain of the worry club. I can worry you under the table my friends, hands down, eyes closed.
However, this worry will be the death of me or rather lots of other things in my life. I worry about work and it tends to induce a stress ball of fun who ends up crying in her office. I worry I am not perfect enough, or Christian enough (which induced me literally running from group last Tuesday and crying in the hall, as in all out toddler-type years of frustration and exhaustion), and I worry I will end up alone and childless with 20 cats.
This worry reared it ugly head last night. I am returning to RG tonight and worry what the others will think of me after my tantrum of sorts. I am embarrassed and loathing their stairs. I know they love me and care about me, but its never easy to look at people in the eye when you feel shame yourself. I also managed to worry myself into an awkward conversation with le guy. (Yes P!inky I am quasi-stealing your name). So we sat on the couch watching a random assortment of TV shows and talking and I did it. I worried myself into a tizzy of awkward, hair-twirling, fidgeting hands death. My head was saying don't say it, don't go there you baby-crazy, garbage toting, ball of a mess of a woman who needs to just shut your pie-hole and let life take its course. (yeah cause that works so well with me). I felt like my mouth was moving, and I could not stop it. I just laid all my life's worry right out there (even the stuff that I feel like you just don't tell people, unless its your best friend who already knows you're crazy). I felt like I was that woman who sits on the first date and says "Hi, my name is Lynn and I would like to be married, have a kids and boat, a pony, a house with a pool... oh and I would like to know exactly when you be putting said imaginary ring on my finger and such because if that's not in your plan, eh let's say in the next year, I'll be moving on now." Yup, I totally pretty much did it. (ok, so it wasn't that bad, but man it felt like it).
As I laid in bed last night, I got to thinking about why I am this way. I hate unexpected, unplanned, chaotic life. I have been there, done that, have multiple postcards and emotional scars. I want to know. Yup, know. I would rather you tell me hey, not gong to happen then drag me along. Its like the guy I went on multiple dates with who suddenly stopped calling and returning my texts. Hey dude, that's fine if you don't want to see me, but just let a girl know why. (random I totally saw this guy at the tailgate I was at two weeks ago and it was totes awkward/funny all at the same time).
I just don't know how much more uncertainty I can handle. Its like if someone would just show me my life timeline I would be ok. Just let me know its going to happen. Like, not even hard dates, but just a general, here is what will happen in the next year of your life. I know I have to be patient and wait and see and have faith, but man, I have experienced so much turmoil I just want to know there is a light at the end of my tunnel of life.
Poor le guy.... he had no clue what he was in for by agreeing to hang out with me last night.
Which leads me to my 31 days of Lessons: Don't be afraid to know what you want. This time around, at least I know what I want and I am somewhat not afraid to let potential suitors know (for better or worse). I'm resigned to the fact that I will be 31 on Sunday and I am not getting any younger. I'm not going to waste time chasing that which will never be in line with my wants/needs. It's ok to want to be a wife and mom (yup I just said that).
