When

Ah yes, the proverbial "when." Its much like the proverbial "if," but this when has a new meaning. If you are (there it is again) anything like me (which most 30 year old woman are) you are constantly wondering what if, and when. As in, if I do this he will like me, or if I cut my hair like this, or if I only eat like that or if I workout more I could.... If.... if only.

Then you have when. When will I (insert any number of things women want)-- when will I

• get married
• have kids
• get the promotion
• lose weight
• buy a house
• like my body
• like my hair
• get all the things that I want out of life

When. If. Two small words that ruin run our lives. So, who says when and if have to reign supreme? They don't! Because "when" is powerful and gives you power.

When I--

• workout
• eat healthy
• see the beauty in myself
• chose not to listen to negative thoughts
• surround myself with Christian men and women
• chose to love myself
• refuse to engage in self-sabotage
• let myself be loved
• turn to His word to make me whole

I am complete.

When.... I have decided that when is not bad. When is the time at which things come and we all know good things come to those who wait. When you are still, confident, sure, patient, kind, loving, when you do all these things instead of wondering if, life is grand. When I live one day at a time, and trust  in myself, when is positive. Because when my time comes, its going to be magnificent.

This year has been trying to say the least. I have  experienced so much, but have grown leaps and bounds. I have hit the bottom and worked my way back up. Today I know I stronger and in a better place. I not only know myself, I know the Lord. Getting older sucks. Its sucks even more when we say if and when instead of being content knowing that when it happens it will be good. I don't know about y'all but song gets me through much of life. I have listened to this song since about my second year in law school. When I thin back to what it meant then I laugh. I thought I had life figured out. Now, I know life is about so much more. I get to choose. I get to be heard. I get to love and be loved. I am saved because He died for me. So, yes getting older is hard, and grey, but it just means I am one day closer to my "when."

Finding Superman

"faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, and able to leap tall buildings in a single bound"

After yesterday's post I sat down and reread all your sweet comments. Thank you. Thank you for supporting me and letting me have this outlet. Thank you for allowing me to share a piece of me with you all each day. I strive to be real and raw. Its not always easy, but who said life was supposed to be. But the more I thought about  my past the more I thought about my future.
As women begin planning our weddings as little girls. We think about the dress, the cake, what it will be like to be a wife and a mom. We want the American dream. We want the perfect day where we get to be the princess and look beautiful. We want GI Joe, Ken, and Superman all rolled into one. We dream of this perfect man waiting there for us who will become our future husband. He is tall, dark, handsome, perfect job, falls in love with us instantaneously and does all the right things. He knows when we are upset, sad, picks out the perfect gift and always knows what to say to make us feel better. Yup... Superman. He is rough and aggressive, yet brave, kind-hearted with a strong sense of justice, morality and righteousness. He is the ideal. This is what women are taught is what we should find. Its not wonder men think women are crazy. We have been looking for this man who just does not exist. We want to form men into this perfect ideal. We fantasize and when we can't find this "man" we begin to think there is something wrong with us. Men aren't perfect, women aren't perfect, and no relationship, or marriage is perfect for that matter. So, as I enter this new stage of my life I sat down to think about my ideal, my Superman. He's not perfect. He comes with his own "baggage", his own past. He will have good days and bad days. He will disappoint me, frustrate me, leave the toilet seat up, forget to make the bed and be able to eat ice cream every day without gaining a pound. He is imperfect though.
But, he will be honest with me, open, vulnerable. He will seek Christ everyday. He will hold my hand and love me when I'm having a fat day. He'll never understand why I have those fat days though. He will accept me for who I am-- my past, my present and my future. He will understand that I am imperfect just like him. I come with baggage and wear my heart on my sleeve. He will see me when no one else does. He will make the effort. He wants to see me every chance he can. He says he's sorry. He respects me, my thoughts, and my drive. He sees the independent woman who is really a little girl at heart. He will walk hand in hand with me and lead me on the journey of life. Like Superman, he will appear when you least expect him, but need him the most. So, Ill wait patiently, not as a damsel in distress, but as a confidant woman waiting for Him.
10 Things That Make Me Happy
Flowers just because

1. City Group
2. Having a great group of Christian women in my life
3. Cookies
4. Chloe and Sophie
5. A good book
6. the beach
7. finding the answer to a complex research issue
8. the perfect  text message at the right moment
9. Knowing I get to live each day because of Him

Creepin

Yes, I apparently when to a baseball game and ended up on a roller coaster... but if you look closely you might just see the best creepin of all time... And rest assure you better read creepin and say it in the Eric Church voice (and if you do not know who Eric Church is or the reference then I'm not sure we can be friends, or you live under a rock).

But I digress, what's new though... Hmm so in light of my recent life changes I have had a couple of freakouts... including yesterday's I hate the IRS one, which involved my paycheck shrinking to the tune of $300 a month. Yes, you heard me people, the IRS screws single people. Yes, I the single woman who must support herself now must do so with $600 less a month. Tell me how this makes any sense? Seriously? This sticker show was met with tears, anger, a few choice words, and then thinking through things calmly (yeah right, me calm?). I freaked out! How would I pay for the new car I just got? Well, a few tears, prayers and rational thinking (thank you friends and family) I managed to come to terms with this recent dollar development and rework my budget. So, goodbye yoga, massages and well anything fun (unless I want to move into a shack and drive a beat up Honda). I just vowed that God will provide and this forces me to just rethink what is truly necessary in my life right now. (Sorry Chloe and Sophie, no fancy haircuts for you!).

You would think that was enough... until you know Pandora's box opens and life just starts jumping up and kicking you in the patootie. if you have read my blog for any decent time you have inevitably read why I went to law school (parts 1 & 2) and know a lil history on my father and such and so on. Well, I have always been uber curious as to the real story and some things that I was just not privy to. Hello fabu friend who works in the DA's office and helped a girl out. (Pretty sure he may now be thinking oh Lord why did I agree to help this crazy girl?)

Needless to say, this has been a trying week for me. I am clinging to the faithful and encouraging words of my wonderful friends and family. One of my friends sent me a text last night after she went to a celebration at our church and it hit home with me. She told me how we often try to fix ourselves up for God so he will love us, but instead we need not do this. He makes us clean and saves us from sin without asking. It hit me. I have been trying so long to fix myself, to be more reverent, faithful to show Him (and others) I am worthy. I have been so focused on trying to be what I thought everyone wanted that I have forgotten how to be myself. Me, that person He created to serve a greater purpose. Me who was sent here to do great things. Yes I will suffer, but not in vain. Every challenge I face is not Him telling me to fix myself, but preparing me for something else.

So as hard as its been, I have been trying to let go and pray instead of scream, breathe instead of freaking out and seeking help when I know I need to be lifted up.

So, yes only I can go to a baseball game and end up on a roller coaster.