I have experienced a lot of changes in my life as of late. I am not quite ready to spout it all out, but some of you out there know what I am talking about and well thanks for all the support. Anywho, between moving back to the Homeland (aka Ft Worth), finding a church home, and well re-connecting with me.... I have realized I am so awkward!
Yeah, you heard me right. That I have been coached since I was 4 to be polite, conversational and the interview queen, is awkward. Somewhere between 4 and 30 I turned into this person who: 1) does not like to talk to people on the phone or in person when it involves asking them anything (like hey would you take our picture?); 2) I send random texts that probably should be questions on the phone and then get mad when people call to talk about them. (ok not mad embarrassed); and 3) is very insecure (hello I would rather have someone tell me what to do then make a decision these days).
I often ask when did I become so me circa 1994? What happened to confident, outgoing, talk to a brick wall me? Did I suddenly wake up and go, oh wait its not appropriate to make friends in the checkout line? or did something or someone force me into a small quiet corner? Or did I simply grow up, conform to the world and become boring? When did I become.... awkward?
I would like to blame law school. See, BLS (before law school) I had things to talk about. I went to movies, concerts, saw people other than my co-workers and had interesting things to talk about. Now, I see lawsuits and I talk about briefs (not the underroos), repsonses, motions, depos, insane opposing counsel.... AGHHHH!!! I see torts and lawsuits abounding around me! I spend more time at my office than at home and my dog, well she looks at my like little orphan Annie! My friends, well they look at me strangely too. I think the only friend I have more than 5 words to say to is a fellow lawyer and most of our conversations revolve around... yeah you guessed it.. work (I admit we often lament/vent more than we have intelligent, thought-provoking conversation). And BLS, well I didn't sit all day and wear boring suits. I drank.... for fun and not for stress relief!
So, if you see me walking down the street, engage me in conversation, but be aware.... I may go all Law & Order on you or turn and run ya never know these days!
I'm kind of the same way now. I used to be miss personality, would talk to anyone about anything [not inappropriate though] and would just say HI!
ReplyDeleteBut somehow, after college and party time in my early twenties, I found myself closing up my personality. Now, I really could care less about small talk. I say no to parties or going out to bars unless there is a REASON for being there.
I think instead of my open bubbly personality, I now come off as aloof or uncaring because honestly, I don't care to chitchat with someone who doesn't care.
WOW, I sound like a class a biach, but who cares. Life is too short to waste time.
I love this post! Not because you're awkward, but because you're not afraid to admit that you're awkward. I think we are all awkward in our own ways. I know I am! I think, as we grow up, we learn to censor ourselves more and grow to care more about what people think of us. It stinks because it does hold us back from interacting with people like we could if we weren't so insecure. I used to be so unafraid to share my thoughts and opinions - unequivocally - regardless of what people would think of me. Now I find that, if my opinion could possibly cause a disagreement or ruffle someone's feathers, I keep quiet. I don't know when I became that way and I don't like it!!! I even struggle with this on the blog sometimes.
ReplyDeleteI think you are great! And I think that through all of the growth you are experiencing right now, you will find your way out of some of this awkwardness. And if I ran into you walking down the street, I would run up to you and hug you, awkward or not:)
I AM THE SAME WAY! I didn't think I had "changed" very much since the college days. But there have been times that my husband will tell me I'm very introverted, but when we met, I was very extroverted.
ReplyDeleteWhy do we change? Who even knows? Why can't it just be OKAY that someone who would once talk to a brick wall - as you say - doesn't talk much anymore?
Thanks for sharing this! :) I'm inspired to do a similar post!!
I think law school changed me too. Blah! Hope you have a good day ma'am! Sending positive vibes your way......
ReplyDeleteWoW!!! Bless your heart! I have several atty friends (was even married to one) and they've never had this problem. Hope things get better for you Doll!!
ReplyDeletewww.fiercesouthernbelle.blogspot.com
I can empathize. In a way, I feel like I'm less comfortable in my own skin than I used to be be. Isn't that supposed to go the other way around as you get older? I do think law school, and legal careers in general, are partially to blame. One of the things that strengthens friendships is shared experiences, and when you have none because you always have to say no or are always in the black hole of the law, you don't have that. I'm thinking of all the other attorneys I know in general, and they're all friends with....other attorneys. Two attorneys that I know got married recently, and so of course, their wedding reception was filled with other attorneys. Sadly, it was the most lifeless reception ever. Of course they drank, but no one danced, and everyone stood around comparing cases and talking about work. What must we do to get OUT of the rut?
ReplyDeleteOh gees, friend. Well, first of all... I am so glad I responded to your text with a text rather than a call!! Whew. Woulnd't want to make you mad OR embarassed! And seriously... BLS I was a much more fun and carefree girl. I, too, see torts happening all around me when I am out and about. Its sick how our mind works after law school. We just need to find a groove. You are finding yours. I am finding mine!
ReplyDeleteI'm so the same - wtf is a phone call? I have my phone to text you, obviously. Don't call me.
ReplyDeleteYou crack me up - and I do hate it when people call you instead of texting back!
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