I'm A Survivor

If you  have been reading this blog for any given amount of time you have probably heard me talk about 1) pageants; or 2) my personal story and again. And if you not, then welcome and I talk a lot about being a former crownhead and domestic violence awareness.

Well, last night I had the honor of being the keynote speaker for the Safe Haven's Safe Living graduation. Safe Haven is a local battered women's shelter and resource center in my hometown. They offer a two year program to women who comes from abusive relationships. This program gives these women the skills and resources to pay off debt, educate themselves and begin new lives. I met 5 inspiring women last night who have overcome obstacles and together paid off over 62,000 in debt in just 24 months! Kudos to these women. They truly inspire me.

I was overwhelmed with the response I got from the audience about my story and my life. I get asked sometimes if its hard for me to talk about my past, and the answer is a mixed bag. I guess over time I have become somewhat immune to the emotions and others its like it all happened yesterday. Speaking is cathartic for me. Its one way to heal and move on. Its also a way to give back. I truly feel that its God's calling for me to continue to spread my message in hopes that other women, children, etc... will never go through what I endured. I am His messenger of hope.

I challenge all of you today to do something for me. Look around you, at the women you care about and realize that 1 in 4 of them will be affected by domestic violence in your lifetime. Remember they are women just like you and me, they walk amongst you. They do not all have bruises or scars from abuse... they do, however, have emotional scars that they will carry with them for a lifetime. Don't judge, be kind. Lend a hand, an ear, a smile.

Rihanna: Role Model or Example?

On the eve of the Grammy's three years ago Chris Brown beat his girlfriend Rihanna. It was the hit heard 'round the world. But here we are three years later and rumors are flying that the two have reconciled and may getting back together. I  have mixed feelings on this issue. Part of me says, girl what the HE double hockey sticks are you thinking? and the other part of my understands because I watched my mother do this time and time again. Abusers are like a freaking magnet people! They suck you in, attach to you like an amoeba.

The truth is abuse is colorblind, gender neutral, and not class-biased. Its comes in all shapes and sizes. It may not show up in the form of a bruise on one's face, but a bruise on the heart. It takes a toll on more than the victim, it affects family members, friends, and children. You see children, those tiny people who witness abuse become a part of a cycle. That abuse is tattooed on them like a rose. Children, our most precious gift are the ones that perhaps suffer the most.

Children who either suffered abuse or come from abusive homes are more likely to suffer from emotional, cognitive, or social difficulties later in life. During the formative years of a child's life, they saw abuse. They did not learn that adults are supposed to love and nurture you. They do not learn what healthy relationships are. They do not learn how to express emotions and feelings in an appropriate way. No one gave them the tools to be functioning adults.

And those children who grow up to be "normal," they are the lucky ones. See children from abusive homes do not have to grow up to  be abusers themselves, or crazy, or have bad relationships. With the help of protective factors (thing I learned about today, thanks BFF), these kids can grow into successful adults. We can stop the cycle of childhood delinquency by being there for kids. Its being a role model, lending a helping hand, supporting these kids with community.

I was lucky. I was surrounded by protective factors. I had V, and a whole slew of people who built me up, showed me how to be a smart, successful person. Did I have ups and downs along the way, yeah, everyone does. Did I revert back to what I learned as a kid, yeah. But I someone around me to always give me a swift kick in the butt and put me back on the right path. I was protected.

So back to Rihanna. Our children look up to her. Pop star, gorgeous, but what are we teaching our kids when she gets back with her abuser? Are we telling kids its ok to hit someone and then make up? Are we showing them what a healthy relationship is? Is she a role model or an example of the cycle?

If you or someone you know is the victim of abuse, seek help. Don't be ashamed, or embarrassed. Help end the cycle. Be the change you want to see in the world. ~The Illegal Blonde